Summary:

Kuga Natsuki thought this is what she really wanted. She had told Fujino Shizuru about her feelings but never about how Shizuru's love for her scared her beyond anything she could ever know. But Natsuki will soon find out that there are worst things in life than Shizuru's love... And that's loosing her love.

Disclaimer:

I do not own Mai Hime or the characters. They are owned by Sunrise and various Companies, Productions and Corporations. I am only a fan who is writing for leisure. So please get your lawyers out of my house before I sick my dogs at them.. I am simply an insomniac anime amateur writer who can't find any decent sleep.

This story is slightly AU and may contain some OOC. This is my first time writing a Mai Hime fic so please be kind.

This story is beta-ed by Hoppy-Chan. Thank you very much.

I've only seen the Anime Subbed Mai HiME so my knowledge of Mai HiME is limited so please be kind with the criticisms.

Italics means thoughts

xxxxxxx

Shizuru watched Natsuki silently far across the distance. It had been almost half a year since the Festival and the ill-fated Carnival that followed straight after. Funnily enough, everything seemed surreal, like nothing happened. The HiMEs involved in the fiasco went on with their lives as though nothing had happened. Pretending nothing happened, for dwelling on such things were just a painful reminder of how, for a brief moment, they lost themselves into madness to save their most precious people.

Forgive and forget.

Those are the best words to describe to what had happened to them, and that's exactly how they acted. But Fujino Shizuru wasn't like the rest. Unlike the rest of the HiMEs, she cannot forget nor can she deny the actions she had performed. She had sullied her hands, stained them with blood. Blood that will never be erased from her mind, neither could she forget the screams she had evoked in the First District while she destroyed the city. She knew exactly what she was doing back then. No matter how much Natsuki and the others had reassured her that all of them were under the influence of the Obsidian Lord or the red star. She cannot forget the evil she had done, nor the joy she felt knowing she did it all for the sake of Natsuki.

No matter how Shizuru looked at it or how Natsuki had forgiven her for the crimes she committed, she couldn't go back or pretend that the festival never happened. She can see the guilt in Natsuki's eyes every time they were together. Try as she might, Shizuru knew the only way she can move on was to leave Natsuki. But every time she looked into her emerald eyes she lost her soul once again. She couldn't breathe, she can't even move. Her heart aches and craves her more, longing to touch her and hold her when she knew she had to keep her distance.

The sad and brutal truth was she can't bear to think of leaving Natsuki. Thinking about not seeing her beautiful face just sends a thousand bullets through her already battered heart and soul. Even though Natsuki has told her that she doesn't love her the way she loves her, she couldn't help but hope. The kiss Natsuki has given her at the ruined church made her hope, made her heart yearn that one day, someday Natsuki will love her in return.

It's foolish really. There were dozens of individuals, particularly her fan club, who would gladly take Natsuki's place, yet her heart remains stubborn. She knew she had to get away, but how?

Shizuru sighed. "It's damn if I do and damned if I don't," she whispered to herself.

So now she had resorted into something she thought she would never do, yet here she was gazing at her from a distance. She had resorted to avoiding Natsuki. Thankfully, Natsuki has yet to seek her company, which also brought pain to her heart.

It wasn't supposed to be this complicated. It wasn't supposed to turn out this way. She only wanted to move on and pretend nothing has happened like her fellow ex-HiMEs. Wasn't it enough that she was driven to madness and was rejected by her love? Why was fate being cruel to her?

Shizuru admits that her feelings may be deemed unnatural by everyone around her, but when did loving someone become wrong?

While she had distanced herself from Natsuki, it never made the pain and suffering she felt vanish. The only thing that kept her alive was by telling herself that it was better off this way. A mantra she kept telling herself until the pain she felt subsides but never really disappears.

She saw Natsuki come out of her protective shell and had become more sociable. Natsuki had made more friends, attended her classes and according to Sakumizu-sensei; had improved her academics gradually. It only made Shizuru contemplate wether being with Natsuki hindered her social and psychological growth, since it radically improved since she was gone.

A lone tear escaped her crimson eyes.

Shizuru believed that if one day she was really meant to be with Natsuki, she needed to make amends to the people she had wronged. So that when that day comes she will be worthy of Natsuki's love, and that's exactly what she did.

It was hard to repent for your sins, especially when it involved sullying your hands with blood all for the sake of Natsuki.

Shizuru closed her eyes as unwanted images bombarded her mind.

So many lives were lost that day and they continually haunted her 'till this very day. Her nights were filled with haunted memories of the First District's agonising cries while her own laughter pierced her ears. They pleaded for their lives, but she ignored them. They were all sinners. They all wanted to harm her Natsuki. Natsuki who no longer wanted anything to do with her.

Another tear escaped her eyes.

Shizuru told herself that it was enough for her to see Natsuki happy. She watched over her when she thinks she's not looking. Shizuru swore to herself that she will change so that she'll be worthy of Natsuki's love one day. Until then she will repent for the crimes she committed.

But the pain never ceased. She tried. Oh by Kami did she try. She tried to shut her out, tried to ignore Natsuki's existence to make the pain she beared bearable but it seemed to get worse. She was like a drug addict. She promised herself that she could live on as she used to. Exist just like before. Before she met Kuga Natsuki.

But back then, existing had felt hollow. Every day was a numbing sensation of knowing that no matter what you did never mattered for her existence was already pre-determined. She was Fujino Shizuru. Heir of the vast fortune, prestige and elegance that was brought about by her name. She was to be exalted, praised and be placed on a pedestal. To be admired for what she was but not who she is.

To be surrounded and admired by many, but to be cursed to be alone. That was the curse of being a Fujino. No one ever wanted to get to know the real her. The one who enjoyed peace and tranquillity. The one that enjoys reading shoujo manga just like many ordinary girls, who wouldn't mind getting dirty while she rested on the grass on a lazy afternoon. Enjoys verbal sparring, dirty jokes and a tad mischievous, which was quite opposite of what was supposed to be the "real" her.

No one dared to speak to her as though she was a person or treat her as a normal high school girl. She couldn't even talk to anyone from her fan club because of the mass swooning and starry eyed looks she received from them. No one really listened. That is, until she crossed paths with Natsuki that one fine day at the garden.

She saw the same emptiness and loneliness she felt being reflected back to her as she gazed at her form, but there was something else that drew her to Natsuki. Maybe it was the misdirected anger that she was going to inflict on the innocent blossoming flower or perhaps the hardened look in her angry eyes as she spoke to her. Nonetheless, the moment Natsuki turned around and faced her, she knew she had fallen.

The way she spoke, the way she knew who she was and didn't give a damn about her stature had made her fond of her. The more she spent time with her, the more she got to know Natsuki. And the more she got to know Natsuki the more she liked her.

Their friendship blossomed and it made Shizuru's feelings soar.

Shizuru smiled as she thought about the little things she and Natsuki used to do.

They would eat lunch together. Natsuki would try and influence her to eat fast food and heavy loads of mayonnaise while she tried to convince Natsuki to eat a healthier diet. When they went out to go shopping, Natsuki would insist on stopping by the arcade and would only accompany her if she hinted of going to look through lingerie. Natsuki would sulk whenever she couldn't answer a question in her homework but would never ask for her help and would stubbornly brush off her assistance until she finally snapped, and her temper would result into trying to throw her notebook as far as possible as though it was something vile and dangerous.

How Natsuki would fuss over her when she had a cold while trying to brush it off, telling her she'd been stupid to leave her sweater at home, and would try to feed her two-minute ramen later on, insisting it would make her feel better when she knew otherwise.

Shizuru couldn't help but chuckle at these memories.

Natsuki made her feel human. Made her feel alive and looked forward to spending another day in her company, but like many good things it has to come to an end.

She had hurt Natsuki. She tried so hard to protect her, but in the end it was she that had caused Natsuki so much pain. Natsuki didn't deserve that. Natsuki deserved better and until she repaid the crimes she had committed perhaps then, she would be able to face Natsuki once again.

She apologised to both Haruka and Yukino. It was a difficult feat to perform since Haruka didn't trust her around her childhood friend. But Shizuru stood her ground. She had let Haruka vent out her anger. Some of the things Haruka had said did hurt and some made her angry but Shizuru knew that she deserved every word of it. Yukino came to her aide and soothed her best friend's ire.

Yukino understood what Shizuru had gone through. After all, she tried to go after and eliminate Tokiha Mai so that she could protect Haruka. In a way, Yukino understood her for she too harboured affection towards her closest friend. A familiar bond of kinship seemed to have manifested between her and Yukino that day. With Yukino's help, Haruka managed to forgive Shizuru but still remained suspicious of her and kept a watchful eye on her just in case.

And then there was Yuuki Nao.

The red-haired enigma.

The girl that not only threatened her Natsuki once but twice.

Shizuru shook her head in both amusement and dismay.

Nao was a hard learner and most certainly stubborn, but with all the chaos the red star and Obsidian Lord created, perhaps Nao was also a victim of circumstance. Natsuki had, after all, defended the red-head from her when she was yet again blinded by her madness and was about to take her life as payment for daring to harm a single hair upon her Natsuki's head. Intrigued as to why Natsuki would even compare herself to the redhead she decided to look into things and try to see people through the eyes of her beloved Natsuki.

So Shizuru did a little background research on Yuuki Nao. Since the girl was aloof and has no close friends to speak off other than her roommate: Senou Aoi, she decided to interrogate her brunette roommate. But even she didn't know the person she shared her room with when she had questioned her.

Shizuru became even more curious of Yuuki Nao after that. A person who acts so innocent around others when underneath all the pleasantness she displays, she hides a vindictive and deep seeded resentment towards the people she deals with. When she asked her fellow students what their impression was about Yuuki Nao, most would say she was just an ordinary girl, others will then relay rumours of her chastity and her nightly rituals to even more scandalous stories bordering slander.

The enigma revolving around the red head drew her like a moth to a flame. Her curiosity getting the best of her, wanting to solve a mystery that was Yuuki Nao. As she observed Nao she realised that Natsuki was right. There was more depth to her character than she let the others see.

Her research on the red head led her towards Yuuki Nao's mother's circumstance. It was then easier to piece all the pieces of information she had gathered. The late night robberies, the assault and the animosity Nao harbours for other people. She began to understand why such a girl could be so angry, cold and destructive. So without another thought she had spoken to the doctor in charge of Yuuki Nao's mother and asked them of her progress.

It wasn't good.

Because of Mrs Yuuki's condition, most of their money had been used up to pay for her medicine and care. Because the hospital itself was a public hospital and was in need of funds, the doctors where forced to downgrade the level of care associated to Mrs Yuuki. While she still received the care she needed, it wasn't exactly the best. The medications she received where low cost generic brands and she was placed in a normal ward instead of a medium-high dependency ward.

Shizuru made a choice then. She arranged for Mrs Yuuki to be placed in a private single room, and be given the very best of care. The costs will be paid and arranged by her in her account. She knew she probably should have spoken to Nao first, but hearing Mrs Yuuki's progress from the doctor moved her. She looked at the hospital itself and decided that investing in the hospital would help more people, not just the people she had wronged, but the general community as well.

For the first time, Shizuru felt good that she had helped a lot of people and her guilt has slightly decreased. That is until Nao charged into the student council room and began yelling at her for her intervention. Shizuru knew and could understand the reason she was angry but she didn't expect Nao to invite her to visit her mother. She had to admit she was curious at the time as to why she would even ask but she was glad she did.

Flashback…

Shizuru didn't know what to expect when she had accompanied the wayward red head to the hospital that day, but had kept silent and merely observed her surroundings.

It was just a typical hospital; white walls, aseptic atmosphere and crowded rooms. She could hear various chatter and children crying. It made her feel uneasy. It wasn't easy the first time she'd come and spoken to Mrs Yuuki's doctor, and it certainly wasn't easy now. The nurses and doctors dashing back and forth, indicating that they had come during a busy hour. What astounded Shizuru, however, was that most nurses who had spare time greeted Nao. It appeared that Nao was known here.

By the time they had entered Mrs Yuuki's room, she felt a little hesitant at not knowing what to expect. The blinds were half-closed and the room was encased in dim lighting. Lying still on the bed was Nao's mother. Her deep breathing could be heard supported by various machines attached to her in order to monitor her progress. There were bandages that covered more than half of her body.

Shizuru tried to pry her eyes away from the pitiful form of Nao's mother, remembering how she had callously defeated Julia without any hesitation, even knowing what the consequences of her actions would be.

Nao, on the other hand, had changed her entire demeanour as she brightly spoke to her unconscious mother. Shizuru pushed down the tumult of emotions that had welled up inside of her as she gazed at Nao's fake expression of cheerfulness in front of her comatose mother. She could feel the pain the red head was going through and it tore her heart apart.

Shizuru felt awkward standing there in the room. It was as though she was interrupting something intimate between the mother and daughter. She saw hope flow through Nao's normally stony eyes and it made her heart ache. At that moment, Nao had the same eyes Natsuki has.

It made Shizuru want to wrap the red head in her arms to make her feel secure, but she didn't. Instead she approached Nao and stood behind her back. She gently put her hands upon Nao's shoulders. Nao seemed to be surprised by her sudden action as she gazed up at her. Nao's aquamarine eyes were full of swirling mixed emotions and unvoiced questions. Shizuru gave her shoulders a soft squeeze to reassure her and then turned her attention towards Nao's mother.

"You'll be so proud of your daughter, Mrs Yuuki. Nao-san has helped many of our students deal with many problems at school giving them sage advice." Shizuru informed the unconscious woman as Nao looked at her with both awe and gratitude.

End Flashback…

Shizuru couldn't understand it, but from then on she found a purpose. She wanted to help Nao. Genuinely help her and guide her to the right path. She gave her all the support she needed. The company and attention she was missing, she also found that she enjoyed spending time with her and in each passing day, her day became more bearable. She still yearned to be with Natsuki, but with Nao's company, the pain and hurt she felt was slowly fading. She also began to notice similarities between her Natsuki and Yuuki Nao.

They were both stubborn creatures, and they let their pride rule them. Both were suspicious of other people and harboured deep-seeded hatred towards those who had wronged them. Most of all, they would never admit needing any help. That was why Shizuru was surprised when Nao had visited her one fateful night.

Nao looked so lost and all alone. It was the day she found out that her mother had recovered. Instead of happiness, fear had gnawed at Nao's consciousness, worried that her mother would find out about all her misdeeds in the past or would no longer recognise her.

She stood there outside her door as she said this. Her heart was on her sleeve as she poured out all her fears, looking vulnerable as she did so.

"I have nowhere else to go," her aquamarine eyes seemed to say to her as tears began to mar her beautiful features.

Shizuru didn't have the heart to turn her away. Not when she needed someone the most. So she opened her arms to her. The ones that were only reserved to comfort Natsuki and a precious few. She engulfed the redhead in her arms and provided her the warmth and the comfort she needed. She took Nao in and eased her worries. Reassured her of her mother's love and that she would always be there for her whenever she needed someone to talk to.

"OY! SHIZURU!" A familiar voice snapped Shizuru from her reverie. So many things have happened. So many things have changed.

She looked for the source of the call and saw a familiar red head making her way towards her.

"Ara? Nao-san?" Shizuru greeted the red head with a wry grin.

Nao merely looked at her dumbfounded. "Haruka has been looking for you," Nao informed her with her arms across her chest, clearly annoyed that she had to be the one to look for her. In truth she didn't really mind, but the loud blonde ordered her to do it and that annoyed her.

"Ara? What did Suzushiro-san want?"

Nao merely shrugged her shoulders. "Don't know. If you ask me, what she really needs is to get a boyfriend. I swear all that pent up frustration is getting on my nerves!"

"I don't think Kikukawa-san would like your idea though." Shizuru smiled at the redhead's blunt assumption of the Executive Director of the student executive team.

"Psst, who cares! I just want that loud-mouth to shut her trap once in a while," Nao replied before noticing where Shizuru's attention was before she had called.

Not too far away from them was Kuga Natsuki accompanied by her two friends, Minagi Mikoto and Tokiha Mai.

Nao could feel the coils of jealousy lace around her but didn't show it. Even now, Shizuru still craved Kuga Natsuki. "Don't tell me you've been here all this time pining for Kuga?" She acidly remarked.

If Shizuru picked up her snide remark, she made no show of it. Instead, she took this moment to tease the already annoyed redhead. "Jealous?"

Nao wanted nothing more than to scream "Hell yes!" but knew she couldn't. There were other ways to answer her question while still maintaining her dignity. She simply raised one eyebrow and matched her teasing tone. "What if I am? What would you do Shizuru?" She bit her lower lip, making her look dejected as though she was a scorned lover asking her for forgiveness, but looking enticing all the same.

Shizuru smiled though it didn't reach her eyes. She was amused by Nao's display but nonetheless intrigued by her choice of words. There was something in the way she said those words and the way she acted. Nao was a very cunning and sly creature and it was always fun to try and find out what she was up to.

The moment Nao saw her smile she knew at once that it was one of her fake smiles. Shizuru didn't want to pursue or continue their conversation any longer but it seemed even she cannot read the Kyoto woman very well for she was surprised by Shizuru's next action.

Shizuru took a step closer to Nao, invading her personal space. She placed her hands on the redhead's waist bringing their bodies closer, their faces nearer. Shizuru smiled as she saw Nao's face flamed up almost immediately and her eyes widen in surprise. And as though she couldn't help herself she leaned even closer to her and brought her lips incredibly closer to her ear.

Nao's heart stopped beating then. She held her breath. She was sure Shizuru would now be able to hear the erratic beating of her heart as it pounded in her ears. Her eyes grew wide as she watched Shizuru's head descend upon hers. Once again she couldn't help but close her eyes as she felt her face grow warm from both embarrassment and anticipation. A billion questions raced through her mind. Her lips and mouth went dry as she anticipated a kiss that was forthcoming. She could smell Shizuru's flowery scent, her warmth engulfing her making it hard for her to breathe.

"I'd say you're being silly Nao-san." Shizuru whispered in her ear as she stepped away, watching her flush.

Hearing Shizuru almost purr her name in her own ears made Nao's stomach churn restlessly. She couldn't help but shake in impotent anger at such an underhanded manoeuvre.

"I-idiot!" Nao replied at her as she stomped away from the Kyoto woman.

Shizuru merely giggled at her response as she tried to catch up to the redhead and see what Haruka wanted.

Somewhere across the distance…

Natsuki watched Shizuru's retreating back. She didn't exactly know what happened. Only that she heard Nao's indignant cry of "Idiot" and seen a very amused Shizuru trail after the stomping redhead.

A part of her wished that Shizuru was looking for her, but it didn't seem very likely. They were probably just passing through.

"Shizuru." She whispered her name and pain once again struck her.

Mikoto, sensing her friend's dismay, nudged Mai gently with her elbow.

"What is it Mikoto?" Mai asked. Mikoto merely turned her attention to the now dejected looking Natsuki allowing Mai to put two and two together.

Mai sighed. She didn't really know what Natsuki's problem was. She had improved greatly with her attendance and was actually able to catch up on some of the work she'd missed. She had a lot of friends, not to mention she was currently holding a sandwich swimming in mayonnaise. Natsuki should be in an "over the moon" kind of mood, so to speak.

"Natsuki?" Mai asked tentatively. "Are you alright? You look out of it." More like depressed and ready to cry.

Natsuki looked at her companions and tried to look cheerful, or at least as cheerful a look as she could muster. "Yeah I'm alright. Just thought of something."

"Want to talk about it?" Mai asked.

Natsuki shook her head. "No. I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?" Mai insisted.

Natsuki placed her sandwich away, suddenly no longer hungry, and nodded her head.

"Oh well. In any case, don't forget about this weekend ok? You need to look after Mikoto."

"But Mai! I want to go with you!" Mikoto protested.

"I explained it to you before Mikoto, You can't come to work with me anymore." Mai sighed. Besides, it freaks out the customers when Mikoto literally hung around her like a baby koala.

"I won't," Natsuki replied as she gathered her things. "I'll see you guys around alright?"

Natsuki didn't even wait for their responses as she began to walk away, ignoring the look of concern from her friends.

xxxxxxx

Author's Notes:

I hope you've enjoyed the latest update. Many thanks to Hoppy-Chan once again for being my beta. Now comes the hard part.

Since the last chapters were originally suppose to be oneshot stories, it will be a tricky decision of how to progress from this chapter. This means that the next chapter will take a while to be updated. I've got a few ideas of how to proceed but it all rests on how well I can write them. In anycase, I hoped you enjoyed this chapter.

I've also noticed I've written a considerable amount of angst in the last couple of chapters which I find weird since I'm not really an angsty person, so the next chapter will hopefully be more cheerful and actually have more conversation in it. Here's a little teaser for the next chappy:

Natsuki and Shizuru gets to talk in the next chapter because of a certain person. Will Natsuki confess before Nao shows up?

Lol. Well I have to go now and try and write it all out before inspiration runs out.

Oh before I forget. I will need another person to volunteer to beta for me so it will take out some load off Hoppy-Chan's hands. (",) (It will be even better if I can actually write better or at least improve my writing but that will take a miracle.) Sighs.

Well stay tuned and please review. Your reviews to me are like what mayonnaise are for Natsuki or what Natsuki is to Shizuru.

Ja Ne