The response you have all been waiting for…
Harry was in his hidey hole, when a member from the order came up to him.
Order dude: "Harry, here's your mail. This one has 'URGENT' on it, so I'd read that one first mate."
Harry took the bundle of letters and opened the one stamped 'URGENT'.
To the smart ass with stupid glasses,
When I read your letter, I was confused and, although I won't admit it to anyone else, a little flattered. It's not every day I get mail. Before I write anymore, Cedric was hot, but he has nothing on Draco Malfoy. That boy is a complete hottie, don't you agree. It's tough being a great evil wizard like me, but yes, I do sleep. My dreams are filled with hot female Death Eaters, namely Narcissa. Last night we were getting down and dirty in a spa, and Draco happened to walk in. He screamed 'What are you doing?' and with a smirk a replied 'Your mum'. Classy, yes?
Being attached to the back of Quirell's head was not a fun time, for he was lacking in the certain area. Being an evil genius, I gotta have 'em big. A few more inches and we're talking baby! Maybe if we are ever able to put our differences aside, we can compare and contrast in the loo some time.
And don't insult my diary idea! I know you are just jealous because I thought of it first. You're the sissy little pansy boy for holding a grudge against me. I mean, come on, all I did was kill your parents, no big deal. I've moved on and you should too.
In your third year, I must admit, I was a little let down because of my previous attempts to get rid of you, so I thought that I'd sit that one out and let someone else try. And believe me; you came out of that way better than me. Wormtail is no looker, that's for sure.
And I have to admit, the whole switchy thing in your fourth year was great! Unfortunately, I can only be recognised for help the younger Barty how to lie, manipulate and murder. The rest, I sadly can't claim credit for. But the whole Goblet of Fire thing was ALL my idea, genius right? And yes, History of Magic has always bored the hell out of everyone. Let me know if old Binns' falls asleep in class. Considering all my followers are taking this war thing so seriously, I need a good laugh here and there. Once again, I apologise for killing Cedric, if I had known you two had a thing, I would have waited until you guys had already been in the sack together before offing him. My sincerest apologises Potter. And my thingy was only gross because I was a shrivelled up baby thingo for like a second! I have included pictures to show you what a real evil genius looks like. It's great for getting freaky under the sheets.
Let's not mention your fifth year, because I utterly failed at remaining hidden. One Death Eater dares to laugh at me, and let's just say that he is now a dick head, literally. Sixth year was horrendous. Trusting Draco Malfoy with killing Dumbledore? I just wanted to kill the little fucker's dad so I could bang Narcissa, I didn't actually think that Dumbledore would cark it. I didn't even get Narcissa in the end.
You know, honestly, being a super evil wizard isn't what it's cracked up to be. One day I will get you Potter, have my way with you and then dispose of you like a used condom. You will be my little bitch Potter.
Sincerely yours,
Lord Voldemort
P.S. When I have my way with you, I may allow you to scream Tom, maybe.
A/N: There is now a poll on my profile page for if you want another chapter to be added to this story. If enough people vote yes, I'll write another chapter. The poll will close on the 1st of December, so started voting!!!