A/N: Lol, I made the Gothix sound like a cult… But aren't most cliques cults anyway?? Anyway, this is to Three Day's Grace: "Pain".
(My high school has Bradford trees, and god, they STINK! Mostly they're really pretty but a few of us are really sensitive to them, and so they smell bad to us. … The test, also, is real. The one Kurogane's grumbling about? Yeah, that's the GHSGT. Those of you college-bound juniors who live in the state of Georgia will recognize those horrible initials and inwardly cringe in fear! How did your testing sessions go? I'm not a junior myself, but I take all junior classes, so I feel your pain. :smiles: I hope you all get pass plusses!)
Warnings: Self-mutilation. If you don't like it, then I caution you to not read, because it's the main theme of the chapter. (But to those who do decide to read, no worries, it's got a happy ending!)Chapter Six: Pain
Every day, Kurogane passed through the back entrance of the school. Therefore, everyday, he encountered the most mysterious clique of the entire high school.
They were called the 'Gothixs' by the rest of the school. They always stood in a tight little group, discussing all sorts of things from music to Voltaire; they always wore some combination of the colors black, red, and white; even the boys wore jewelry in the Gothixs. They were the school's smallest clique, rotating members of the outside crew frequently. However, the main group always consisted of the same four people—rumor was that they were in a rock band together.
… Not that Kurogane cared, however. He occupied the farthest clique from the Gothixs: the academically lazy jocks. Not to say that the teen was exclusive; he was just a bit reclusive. Even in his own social group, he didn't really say much, being far too irritated with them to actually speak civilly.
It was December when he had his first real encounter with the leader of the Gothixs. It was after school, and his car refused to start.
Already slightly pissed, he stalked over to the only remaining people at school. "Hey," he grumbled. "Do any of you actually have a cell phone?"
A green eyed girl looked up from her book, batting her heavily mascara-ed lashes. "I think Fai has one that works," she said softly.
"He probably does," echoed her boyfriend, a brown-haired kid with mismatched eyes. Kurogane dimly recognized him as the twin of a first-year kendo student.
"And this Fai is…?"
A thin boy with long blonde hair stood gracefully, chains chinking around his wrists and hips as he dusted off his jeans. "Me," he said, smiling rather awkwardly. "But, it doesn't work. Shaoran's fault; he dropped it in the sink last night."
The brown haired boy shrugged, and his girlfriend giggled. Kurogane made a face. "Look, I don't want small talk, and I just need—"
Fai held up a hand. "However, I will offer my services… elsewhere." This earned a 'huh' look from Kurogane, a small laugh from the boyfriend/girlfriend, and a snappish 'don't sound so perverted' from a bespectacled boy— Kurogane also recognized him as the boyfriend of the best player on the archery team and the office worker of their crazy principal. "I will drive you home, Kurogane, member of the kendo club and team, who also played basketball in the preliminary games."
A bad feeling sunk into the taller teen's chest; but hell, it was cold, and Kurogane just wanted to get home. "Fine. Just don't pull that stalker shit again."
This earned a laugh from all of the Gothix. "Tough luck; once Fai sticks to you, he stays," Shaoran jeered. 'Like Doumeki,' the bespectacled boy mumbled, and Shaoran shrugged.
Kurogane could feel his lower eye twitch and he paused to briefly wonder what he had gotten himself into. By the time he realized that he'd be better off walking home, the blonde was waving to him from across the parking lot.
The kendo member stalked towards the teen, eyeballing the old car that the Gothix member was getting into. "That's your car?"
Fai grinned, leaning across the passenger seat to pop the lock on Kurogane's side. The black-haired teen crawled tentatively in, wondering if his weight would cause the old station wagon to crumble. He definitely, by the looks of the pale teen next to him, weighed more.
"I love this old thing," Fai said fondly. "Got her for less than two-hundred dollars!"
Kurogane could feel his eye twitch again. "Just take me home; I live over—"
"Near the tavern on Shirasaki Street, right?"
Fai stole a look at Kurogane's face, then burst into laughter as he started the car. "I'm not stalking you, Kuro-chan! I played a set at the Tavern a few weeks ago and saw you taking out the trash!"
"Kuro… What the hell?!"
Fai gave a smirk, then turned on the old eight-track tape player. Music blared through the speakers, and Kurogane wondered if it was the blonde's band.
"Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all."
"That's the super secret sounds of the Gothix!" Fai chimed, pointing the tape player. "Only heard by certain members of the school population."
After listening to the song for a few moments, Kurogane frowned. "Rather morbid, isn't it?" he grumbled, staring out the window.
Fai didn't answer until the car slowed at a stop sign. "You're cool at this school, Kuro-myan. You'd never understand it… what it takes to stop."
"Try me." If one thing bothered Kurogane, it was people doubting his intellect.
Fai turned and stared at the older teen sadly. "What it's like to be numb. How it feels to go around and wish someone would just kill you, because it seems that you can never find what life's worth living for," he whispered.
Fai stepped on the gas, and the rest of the ride passed without anymore dialogue.
As Kurogane stepped out of the car, he looked Fai square in the eye. "I know. And I want it to stop."
A slow, sad smile spread across Fai's face. "Then join the Gothix; I'll teach you, Kuro-sama… I'll make it so you'll never feel numb again."
You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand,
And I'll show you a world that you can understand.
The next month was a whirlwind; Kurogane's acceptance into the Gothix baffled many people. Not even Doumeki had been part of the clique when he began dating Watanuki, a member of the band and steady member of the group. He was just… there and tolerated. Rumors began to wildly circulate about blackmail and extortion, but everyone's favorite was the one about Fai.
"They say you're a vampire and you hypnotized me," Kurogane grumbled, slamming his lunch tray down at the Gothix's table.
Fai blinked, then threw back his head and laughed. In fact, everyone at the table dissolved into helpless snickers and giggles—especially the real members of the gang. Sakura was reduced to tears at one point, her mascara streaming down her cheeks as she laughed.
"What's the joke?"
"That's our stage persona; someone within the clique started that one," Fai sniggered. "Let's feed it a little more!"
The blonde leaned across the table and cupped Kurogane's face in his hands, his face set in a grin. However, there was something off about his eyes; they didn't reflect the blonde's grin. "Let's talk after school," he whispered into the kendo member's ear.
Kurogane growled, and pushed Fai off of him, yelling obscenities at the sophomore. He got Fai's message.
After school, Kurogane leaned against Fai's old car, waiting for the blond to emerge. The teen swaggered laughingly out of the school, his book bag balanced on his head.
"Yo! Kuro-fluff! Look what I can do!"
Kurogane raised an eyebrow at the boy, reaching out to knock the bag off Fai's head. "That's annoying."
"Aw…"
"What did you want to talk about?"
Fai smiled, then entered into the backseat of his car, "Let's talk in here!"
Kurogane rolled his eyes, climbing in the car after Fai. "What was it that you wanted to talk about," he reiterated.
"I want you to come to one of our shows. We're at the Tavern again tonight."
Kurogane sighed, leaning against the door frame. "I don't know."
"Please? For me?"
"Whatever."
Fai smirked, crawling onto Kurogane's lap. "You'll get it; I swear. You'll get your cure," he breathed, laying his head onto the older teen's shoulder. "Nothing as drastic as drugs, just what will wake you up…"
Kurogane lifted Fai's head and kissed the second-year, enjoying the fact that he could feel Fai's face heat up under his fingertips.
"Why do you not want to come?" Fai murmured, tipping his head back as Kurogane kissed his neck.
"I dunno. I figured they'd not like it…"
"The Gothix are a very welcoming set of people; almost the entire school has belonged to us at one point or another."
"I don't believe it," Kurogane grumbled, pulling Fai back in for a kiss.
After a few silent moments of kissing and groping, Fai pulled away, a devious smirk on his face. "We help them and they go back; you don't have to be a member to keep the cure," he whispered. "Besides, I've got ways of luring new members in."
"I hope you don't make out with every new member."
"No, you're special… you're very special, Kurogane," the blonde whispered, sending chills up the junior's spine.
"What's the cure?"
"Take off my shirt and you'll find out…"
Kurogane frowned, but slowly untied the laces on Fai's shirt. The shirt fell easily from Fai's shoulders, and the older teen gasped.
Fai nodded, and Kurogane reached out and traced the lines of scars and cuts along the teen's upper arms. "Isn't that just a little bit stupid?" the kendo member hissed.
"It's safer than getting a piercing or a tattoo, it is," the blonde said, shrugging. "Anyway, come to our show tonight." He pulled his shirt back on and climbed into the front seat, signaling Kurogane to get out. "I'll see you later; you'll get used to the idea."
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out, you'll understand.
Kurogane found himself crammed into the Tavern on Shirasaki Street, waiting for the Gothix to take the stage. There was something in him that screamed to stay away from Fai, that the boy caused nothing but trouble. There was a part of him that wondered how many people at his high school that bore the scars that Fai said was a cure; he wondered just how many felt this numbness—was this recklessness it's only cure?!
There was a side that wanted to abandon Fai all together, but it was repulsed by an overwhelming desire to protect and coddle the younger teen; the absolute forlornness that Fai personified crushed Kurogane and screamed at him to hold the blonde and try and make it alright.
The junior had seen the pain in Fai's eyes when he met Kurogane's aunt a few weeks ago. Soon after, he had found out that the rest of Fai's family was dead. The kid was alone.
Kurogane sighed; that kind of things had to hurt. He couldn't understand how the blonde even managed to smile and enjoy himself.
The teen crossed his arms and grumbled. Maybe Fai was a masochist… ? He didn't seem it, however…
There seemed to be no way out of this now; he'd taken Fai's hand and stepped into such a strange world that he knew he'd never be able to return. He trusted the strange sophomore, and he liked him. A lot.
The lights finally went down, and the Gothix stepped onstage, the music starting up. Kurogane dimly recognized it as the song that played in Fai's car that first time they had met.
"Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all."
It was weird, that such a chance encounter could lead to all of this. Kurogane shook his head and slipped into the back of the crowd.
After the set was over, Fai came bounding up to Kurogane. "Did you like it?"
"It was certainly… interesting," he mumbled, watching Fai's contact-covered eyes brighten. "I think I understand you just a little more now."
The blonde made a face, scrunching his nose like a rabbit. "Well, that wasn't the point, but…"
"It's enough to make you happy, right?" Kurogane grumbled, raising an expectant eyebrow.
"Yes!" Fai cried, hugging onto the older teen's hand. "Hey… come home with me tonight…"
Kurogane spluttered for a moment, and then sighed. "Whatever," he agreed. He flicked over to see Fai's expression, and inwardly cringed. The blonde wore an expression of sheer longing and loneliness that it was all Kurogane could do but not the mumble a quick 'of course'.
And it was times like these that the raven-haired junior wondered if Fai was just a little bit insane for living at all.
Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me, I've got a plan
When the lights go up, you'll understand.
Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
The next few months passed by with a blur, and it was soon late March. The campus of the high school bloomed with Bradford pear trees that made students gag in agony when the temperature reached 60. Of course, the Gothix paid no attention, laughing and goofing off normally, their space being invaded by the beautiful white maelstroms of blossoms that fell in the March wind.
"I hate this stupid test," Kurogane growled, marching outside at lunch.
Fai followed behind docilely. "Kuro-meow, they're written on an eighth-grade level."
"Fucking biology! I hated biology! Who the freak makes 45 out of 85 questions about biology?!"
Fai laughed, setting his tray down on the table while he contentedly listened to Kurogane rant about graduation standards and tests. "Hey, are you coming to our show tonight?"
Kurogane blinked, then shrugged. "I always do," he answered brusquely.
"How's your cure working?"
Kurogane averted his eyes from the complacent blonde. He'd only tried it once, and he hated it. Fortunately for him, he sustained many injuries from kendo, so he never had to face Fai's disappointment in him. "Meh, same old same old."
"Well you're mad right now," Fai pointed out, lazily stretching across the table, pear blossoms falling into his hair.
"I don't particularly enjoy being angry… But I am happy more often…"
"Because of—"
Kurogane cut the boy off quickly, "Because of you," he answered, not wanting to hear Fai call his cutting a 'cure' any longer. "You're more of a cure than anything."
Fai stuck his tongue out impishly. "You're so corny," he whined.
Kurogane later found himself waiting impatiently at the Tavern later that night, along with many unhappy Gothix fans.
"Kurogane!"
The teen turned, watching in confusion as Sakura stumbled over people, dark lines under her emerald eyes from where her makeup had smudged with tears.
"Hey, what's wrong?"
The girl grabbed at Kurogane's sleeves, shaking. "Fai's… Fai's in the hospital," she whispered unhappily, sniffling. "Shaoran and Wata-chan are with him right now… The doctors are saying awful things about him to his father…"
Kurogane was having problems comprehending what Sakura was saying. "Wait… wait, I thought his parents were dead…"
Sakura shook her head, her earrings jangling harshly; she began to drag Kurogane out of the Tavern, the dazed man stumbling behind her. "It's something he tells everyone so no one will ask. His mother died a long time ago—his father isn't what you'd call sane, so Fai ran away… His father just got out of jail… he was acquitted of murder one on two accounts… Fai's testimonies didn't hold up… And he just found out tonight…"
"Murder… what?"
Sakura stopped, staring up at Kurogane. Her face was pale, and her eyes reflected the horror with which she recalled the tale. "Fai's father used to be a politician out on the west coast, but he was a drunkard. He killed Fai's mother, then turned on Fai's twin brother and Fai… he was only hurt, but his twin died… He stayed over there just long enough to testify, then came to live here with a family friend."
"So Fai just found out that… his father was out of jail?"
"Yes." The poor girl was shaking badly now.
"He hurt himself badly didn't he?"
"B-b-b…Botched s-suicide…"
"Get in my car," Kurogane hissed, rage laced in every breath he took. "Where is he?"
Sakura quietly stuttered the hospital name and room once they were across the street in Kurogane's car. "Are you alright?"
"No; I'm going to fucking kill that stupid sophomore!"
At this Sakura quietly smiled, and laid a hand on Kurogane's shoulder. "He'll be okay, I think, because he has you. It's good to know Fai has someone who loves him…"
For this, Kurogane had no reply, only a quiet nod. Rage and despair battled inside of his stomach, and he let a brief thought slide into his mind; 'What if he doesn't make it…?'
I'd rather feel pain
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know
That you're wounded
You know, you know, you know, you know,
That I'm here to save you
You know, you know, you know, you know,
I'm always here for you
I know, I know, I know, I know,
That you'll thank me later…
Fortunately enough for Kurogane, Fai was awake when he arrived. He was propped up on a hospital bed, bandages and stitches wound all around his arms, and IVs filled with blood and different antibiotics and medicines were stuck in any available skin space. Other than pale and half-mummified, Fai looked almost normal.
However, Kurogane caught a faint dullness to Fai's eyes, and he traced the blonde's gaze outside. A clean-cut man with black hair slicked back into pony-tail was frowning and chatting with a serious looking doctor. Despite the hair, Kurogane could tell that it was Fai's father because of his piercing blue eyes.
So, the junior yanked shut the curtains to the hall, and glared at Fai. Nervously, Shaoran joined Sakura outside, as well as Watanuki, who was in the middle of quietly offering Fai food other than the hospitals.
"So."
"Are you upset, Kurogane?" Fai asked icily, pointedly looking away from the kendo member.
"You almost died," was his irritated reply.
"No one would miss me; I'm only a burden…"
A smack echoed across the bare hospital room, and Fai was left reeling, clutching his cheek in shock.
"And I'll hit you again for Sakura! You had the poor girl having a heart attack over you! Everyone's worried! Everyone'd care! So don't you dare keep hurting yourself! Don't you dare try to die! The past doesn't matter right now! All that matters is…" Kurogane's voice softened, and he sat down on the bed, his back facing Fai. "… Is that… I was scared, alright? I thought you'd die, and I'd have to… live without you… Then I'd really be numb."
"So my cure's not really a cure?" Fai asked timidly, laying against Kurogane's back.
The older teen shook his head. "No. But you did help me… You were yourself. I don't want this emo-martyr crap. I want you being happy and being truthful with me. I'll stand by you; I won't leave you alone or die on you," he promised, covering his face with his hand so that there was no chance of Fai seeing, "I'll always be here."
"This is where you're supposed to say thank you," Kurogane muttered irately.
Fai chuckled softly, sliding back onto his pillows. "Yeah, but I don't feel like it; I'm sleepy… They drugged me to hell and back, Kuro-pof," he whispered, reaching out for Kurogane's hand. "I'll say it later, I suppose… If I feel like it."
"You'd better, when you wake up."
"Or else…?"
"I'll… I'll subject you to Tomoyo's wrath," Kurogane growled, turning to Fai.
Fai laughed, closing his eyes. "Scary…" and with that, he went to sleep.
Kurogane rose out of his chair, and stepped out into the hallway. "Mr. Flowright?" he asked, stepping up to the man.
The man scowled, and snapped, "What do you want?! Are you one of his no-good ingrate friends? It's your fault that he—"
Kurogane picked up a nearby broom, and leaned against it, ready to use it as a weapon if necessary. "No," he cut off, "I believe it's yours. So if you come here again, which I'm sure is breaking your parole, I will call the cops on you, but before that… I'll kill you," he hissed, his knuckles tightening around the broom. A twisted grin spread across his face, and one could tell that he meant business. Apparently Mr. Flowright wasn't dumb, because he stepped backwards, then left in a hurry.
Sakura beamed and giggled, hugging Kurogane happily. "Fai will be thankful," she whispered.
"It was no problem; I don't want him hurt anymore," he muttered.
Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
I'd rather feel pain!
In the weeks following Fai's exeunt from the hospital, Kurogane and Fai became an official couple at the high school, the band Gothix preformed for the first time for the general public at Graduation, and Kurogane and Fai came to a conclusion on the last day of school.
"Y'know, Kuro-rin," Fai murmured, lazily twirling his drink between his palms, "I think I've figured out something."
Kurogane quirked an eyebrow, and across the table, Shaoran and Sakura looked up in interest.
"I believe I love you," the blonde continued, ginning.
Kurogane rolled his eyes. "Duh," he grumbled.
Sakura grinned happily, leaning against her own boyfriend, listening in interest.
"And I figured it out… Without love, there's nothing but pain…"
"Uh-huuuh…"
"But when you're in love, everything is super-light, and you're happy. But it also hurts, but in a good kind… But when you're not in love, you feel empty. So… I've decided…"
"Oh I can't wait for this," Kurogane muttered, rolling his eyes.
"That if I don't have love, I'd rather have pain, because pain… It makes you see yourself differently. And you feel whole, because you can't hurt if you're not all there."
"You make no sense," Kurogane concluded, pushing Fai away from him. After a moment of staring at the blonde, he sighed. "Well, too bad, because I do too… So, no more pain."
Fai grinned, and snuggled up to Kurogane, his scars shining white against his cream skin as he did so. "I've had enough pain to last a life-time, Kuro-sama. No more…I want to be happy."
END