A/N: I know I said pirates for this one, but for the chapter I want to do on it, I have research I need to do. I need a little bit more information on mythology and the plant Amaranth (which is the name of the song I'm doing for that chapter) until I can write it confidently. I feel really bad for what I did to Sakura in this chapter, but I felt it was something CLAMP would really do. (Because, goodness knows, they love that angst.) This is another story in the Gothix universe. Check out chapter six for the introduction to them. I spent so much time constructing that universe that I didn't want to let it go; I actually have four more songs taking place in this universe. (I'm actually toying with the idea to just spawn an entire story on them.) This chapter's to SixxAM's "Life is Beautiful".

Chapter Eight: Life is Beautiful

You can't quit until you try,

You can't live until you die,

You can't learn to tell the truth

Until you learn to lie;

Fai hated summer. It was then that the stage was even warmer, and the air was even more stifling. Heavy smog from the city settled into his lungs, and his clothes stuck to him like glue. "It's so damn hot," he whined, twirling the microphone in his hands.

"I'll second that," Watanuki grumbled, leaning over his music stand. "I have to go out and wait for the idiot to finish practice every other day. Between that and running errands for her I'm surprised I've not collapsed."

Shaoran chuckled, leaning back on his stool. "Y'know why you two have it so hard? Your boyfriends are in sports."

"Don't you have to go wait on your brother?" Fai asked, looking over at his drummer, frowning. For the longest time, Shaoran and his twin, Syaoran, were the closest things ever. It didn't make sense that the two were suddenly so far apart that Shaoran didn't give Syaoran rides to and from practices.

Sakura looked up from her keyboard, frowning quietly. "I don't think Syaoran-san likes me all too much," she whispered.

Fai stared blankly at Sakura, wondering if the heat had caused him to hallucinate that the cutest, sweetest girl at Koryo High had just said someone didn't like her.

"Sakura-chan! That's ridiculous," Watanuki cried, shaking his head.

Okay, so he didn't hallucinate. "Did he say that directly, Sakura-chan?"

The girl dropped her head to the side, brushing her hair out of her face, her many bracelets and charms chinking quietly. "Well, no, but he's been avoiding Shaoran and myself, and—"

"That's enough," Shaoran cut off. "Let's finish this practice and go home," he snapped.

Fai shrugged, wondering if the heat was making them all twitchy.

After practice, he wandered to Kurogane's apartment, stripping his shirt off as soon as he closed the door. God, it was hot out. He continued to shed his layers, dropping wristbands, chains, earrings, chokers, tank tops, shoes and socks until he stood in the bathroom in his jeans.

He looked in the mirror, and, like always, was sickly fascinated by what he saw. His entire body, crisscrossed with scars. That one, he remembered, touching the mirror over the image of a long, jagged scar across his chest, was from when his father… This one, over here, was from when he ran away.

He dropped his hands from the mirror, and his slim fingers dragged down the long section of pearly white, raised skin that marred his forearms. "I should have died then," he murmured, pushing his forehead against the cool glass.

Even with Kurogane by his side, life was beginning to choke Fai. It was his junior year, bogged down with tests, expectations, and everything that Fai didn't want to deal with. How was he supposed to fill out college forms? He had no parents to teach him. Kurogane couldn't help either; he was already accepted to a college because of his skill in sports. And school hadn't even started yet—even so, he still had homework due fairly soon.

Everything began to weigh in. He longed for it. The feel of it. "I promised Kuro-sama," he whispered pitifully to his reflection.

They eyes of the addicted stared back. Once more, then gone forever, his eyes promised.

Everyday, this was the battle Fai endured. Whether to give in, or stay firm in the promise to his lover.

Today was the day he broke.

He slid to the floor, his hands searching his pockets until his fingers closed around his pocketknife, the blade flipping out skillfully. He placed the blade up by his shoulder, pressed, then slowly dragged it across.

The edge went smoothly into his skin like a warm knife into butter. The membrane offered no resistance; much like it was complying with his wishes. There was no pain, only a slight burning as air met with the sudden canyon into his body. He let the knife sit there, at the edge of the cut for a moment, then he moved it sharply down, tearing the skin.

Then there was pain as he let up on the pressure. Blood began to ooze slowly, not spurting. No, he was careful; he only carved into the flesh away from major vessels now.

He watched, fascinated by the blood that was slowly falling out of his body. Finally it hit the limit of the cut, and began to trickle down his arm.

Endorphins raced through his body, mixing with the adrenaline of doing something taboo. He licked the blade clean, and stripped himself of his pants, turning the shower on.

He stepped into the shower, watching the water turn pink down his arm. It hurt now, too. A burning. The cut was dirty.

He scrubbed antibiotic soap all over his body, cringing as the chemicals mixed with the germs and grime that had already seeped into the wound.

He washed his hair, then ended his shower. He got dressed hastily after covering his wound, and then rushed into the small kitchen.

He reached up into the shelves, grabbing a large glass cup. He let it fall from his fingers, watching as the glass shattered. He then swept the pieces up, letting some of it cut up his hands.

There. A perfect excuse.

He looked down at his hands, shaking. "What… have…"

Tears fell from his eyes as he trembled. Slowly, sobs built momentum in his throat, and he sunk to his knees with the weight of it all. Why, why, why was it so hard?

Why, why, why couldn't he stop?! Why didn't his promise mean a thing to his hands, his brain, his knife?

Chills overtook his body, and he curled into a ball on the kitchen floor, convulsing as he cried. He knew he should tell Kurogane about this. Yes, the older teen would be upset, but he needed help.

But he wouldn't. Fai knew that better than anyone; he'd never tell. Ever. He swore, no he promised, Kurogane that he'd never pick that habit back up…

And here he was, breaking glasses to fake it. He stood, shakily brushing his tears away. He grabbed the broom and dust pan, hopping up onto the counter, waiting for Kurogane to come home.

Not too much later, Fai could hear the jingle of keys at the door; he slid from the counter, acting like the incident only just happened.

"Fai?" Kurogane called, "Are you home?"

"In here, Kuro-sama," Fai answered, bracing himself for the lie.

No, not lie… it was the truth. The truth. He really did drop that glass. Yes, he did. He didn't even own a pocket knife. He was simply clumsy…

Yes… that was the truth.

"Be careful when you come into the kitchen! I dropped a glass earlier!"

Kurogane stuck his head through the door, watching Fai 'inspect' the floor for more glass shards. "What happened?"

Fai looked up at Kurogane, and his breath caught guiltily. Kurogane was still dressed in his kendo robes, the material sticking to his skin; his hair was even wilder than normal because of the sweat, and it looked like he rolled in a haystack. Random bits of grass clung to his skin, and Fai knew that the field at school had just been mowed… the rising junior loved the smell, and he could almost smell the green scent now.

Normally Fai would just waltz right over and force Kurogane into taking him, no matter how tired the senior was. But, he had to get through the truth—lie—first, then sit through a lecture. "I was getting a glass for some water, but the glass just seemed to jump, and I tried to catch it…"

"You fell, didn't you?" Kurogane groaned, smacking his forehead. "Are you hurt?"

Fai beamed, holding up his scratched up palms, then pointed to the bandage under his tee-shirt; "A few scratches, but I have all my fingers! But, Kuro-chama, my dignity really hurts; can you kiss it and make it feel better?"

The older teen snorted, "Kiss it, my ass. That's what you get for not using the stool. And didn't I tell you not to put the glasses up on the second shelf? You know you can't reach them that way." He stepped forward, into the kitchen, to survey the scene. He made his way over to the shelves, and to Fai, and began to move all the glasses to the first, more convenient, shelf.

Fai blinked, looking bewilderedly at Kurogane… Was this it? No yelling? And… did the lie actually work. "Oh, um, well…" For once, he couldn't come up with a rebuttal.

Kurogane sighed, surveying Fai. "You knocked your head didn't you? You're not talking back," he complained, drawing the teen into his arms.

It worked, easily as that. His secret was safe; he could continue for a few days and pass it off as the same injuries…

You can't breathe until you choke,

You gotta laugh when you're the joke;

There's nothing like a funeral

To make you feel

Alive

Some small part of his mind whispered soft reassurances such as that, and it was finally too much. Tears fell from Fai's eyes, more violently than before, and he pushed his face into Kurogane's chest, grass and cloth sticking to his face.

The older teen moved his arms to Fai's waist, dazed. "You really hit your head hard," he mumbled, holding the blonde close as he cried.

"I… I didn't fall!"

"What?"

"…I lied," Fai whispered. "I did drop the glass, but it wasn't an accident…"

Kurogane stared down at Fai, frowning. Slowly, he put two and two together, and he released his lover. He kept the thin blonde close, holding onto Fai's hip with one hand as he pulled the boy's shirt off. "Don't move," he ordered, gently squeezing with the hand he'd captured Fai with, feeling the familiar jut of bone underneath his fingers. He wished he was holding onto the younger teen under different circumstances; he longed for the anxiety that that was buzzing through his body to be replaced with something more familiar, more pleasant.

Once he was sure Fai would not run away, he let him go, slowly unwrapping the gauze that bound Fai's arm.

"You," Kurogane breathed, staring at the wound. "You promised me, Fai. You told me that you were happy. That you wouldn't hurt yourself anymore in some messed up plight to feel."

The kendo member couldn't quite name the emotions that were filling his chest; fear, anxiety, sadness… but most of all, he was hurt. Wasn't he enough?

Fai looked up at Kurogane's mixed expression. The myriad of emotions that were piling up on the older boy's handsome face made him laugh. Soon, he became hysterical, laughing and sobbing at the same time until he just couldn't breathe anymore.

As he began to choke on his own breath, Kurogane scooped him up onto his arms. He was carried into the bedroom, and laid down on the cool sheets.

Without a word, Kurogane left, leaving Fai suffocating on his laughter and tears. However, he was not abandoned, as the older teen came back with a glass of water.

Kurogane held Fai forward, putting the glass to the boy's lips. "Drink," he commanded.

Fai obeyed, calming at Kurogane's unusually gentle touch.

"Now, tell me—what's so funny?"

Fai trembled, shaking his head. "It's so messed up… I thought I was happy too…"

"Thought?"

"No… I am happy," he said vehemently, turning to Kurogane with a desperate expression. "I don't want Kuro-sama to leave me!"

"Who said that?"

"I thought… that you'd want me gone after this…"

Kurogane sighed; staring at Fai's dejected stature. He pulled the junior into his arms, rolling his eyes as he said; "No, I understand… you can't stop, can you?"

"…Ah…"

"I hit the mark, huh? …Look, I'm begging you; tell me every time you feel like that. I'll yell or curse you out, but that'll be enough to stop you, right?"

Fai nodded, "I hope so…"

Just open your eyes; just open your eyes

Kurogane pressed his lips to Fai's kissing the boy fervently. "Why can't you just see it?" he mumbled against the blonde's lips.

The two kissed, tangling themselves against each other. "See what?"

"That there are things in life worth living for," Kurogane chided, pressing his forehead to Fai's.

The rising junior sighed softly. "There are two things I live for," he murmured, kissing his boyfriend between words. "You… and my friends. Other than you guys… I don't see the worth in living. You and the Gothix will be the only ones who mourn…"

As the days passed, those would be among the words that Fai came to regret the most in the world.

As he stood above the cedar coffin, watching as one of the ones he cared for was put away for eternity… He knew there would always be those who mourned… no matter what the person mourned for thought.

And see that life is beautiful!

"You really don't mind waiting?" Shaoran asked, holding Sakura's hands in his own.

Sakura grinned, laughing at her boyfriend's eagerness. "No, no; I'll wait outside while you go in. The store's a little too musty for my tastes."

Shaoran beamed, leaning forward to kiss Sakura quickly on the cheek before dashing into the vintage music store that they'd just discovered. Sakura laughed quietly to herself, leaning against a light post.

She hummed quietly to herself; trying not to think of the upcoming school year. Today wasn't for that. Shaoran had specifically planned the day for them, even finagling Fai into letting them out of practice. Of course, this had all been a surprise for Sakura, who was still bummed out over the summer homework and the tenuous relationship between her and Shaoran's twin, Syaoran.

She sighed, having let the subject creep up on her. "I wonder what's wrong," she mused, biting her lip.

As if summoned by thought alone, Syaoran appeared.

He tapped Sakura gently on the shoulder, causing the girl to squeak in surprise. "Oh! You scared me, Syaoran-san!" she exclaimed, beaming at the boy. "What brings you to this side of town?"

Syaoran shrugged, "Just things. Look… Sakura-san, I have something to tell you…"

Sakura blinked, looking down guiltily. "I'm sorry," she mumbled.

Syaoran started, clearly surprised; "Why are you apologizing? Do you already know?"

"You dislike me, don't you?" The girl whispered.

Syaoran shook his head furiously; "The opposite!" he declared. "Sakura-san… I… I really like you," he mumbled, blushing.

Sakura gasped softly, taking a quick glance over her shoulder. "But… Syaoran-san…"

"I know, you and my brother are in love. It's obvious," the boy said bitterly.

"I'm sorry…"

"I know I don't have a chance. I just wanted to tell you."

Sakura shook her head, tears spilling out of her eyes, "But I like you, Syaoran-san! We're friends!"

Syaoran shoved his hands into his pockets, "Yeah, but that's not what I want… Just… forget about this, okay?"

"I can't just do that! Won't that hurt you?"

"I'm past the point where it hurts. So… can you smile for me?"

Sakura nodded, sniffling. "If that's what will make Syaoran-san happy!"

"Promise me something, Sakura-san," Syaoran demanded.

"Wh…what?"

"Will you swear on your life that no one will cry at my funeral?"

Sakura stared at her boyfriend's twin in shock, not quite comprehending the horrible words. "What do you mean, Syaoran-san?"

Syaoran smiled sadly, then turned and walked off.

Seconds later, time seemed to freeze, and a girl's shriek filled the air.

I know some things that you don't,

I've done things that you won't;

Fai was lonely. There was no practice that day (something about letting Sakura and Shaoran out on a date, then it was a chain reaction from there), and Kurogane was out on a kendo-team meet. So, unlike the rest of his band members, he was alone, without his boyfriend. He'd actually hoped for a date, too, but the meet was a last-minute thing.

"I'm so bored!" he whined, sinking into the sofa. Maybe some television would cheer him up.

A man in a black suit waved sheepishly to a crowd and smiled before multiple microphones were shoved into his face. "Mr. Flowright, after all these years in prison, what makes you think that you'll be elected back into office?"

The man smiled again, this time wider, his incisors glinting in the sunlight; "I was proven innocent in front of a group of peers, sir. Therefore, I've committed no crimes; in fact, I believe that my years in jail helped me understand people more."

"What about your remaining family?" A woman reporter asked, holding a microphone close to Ashura Flowright's face.

"I have a son; I hope desperately he'll forgive me for what he believed I did. It's my innermost desire to see us as a family again…"

Fai watched in stricken horror; his body began to shake, and his hands covered his mouth. His stomach turned, and he bolted from his seat into the bathroom, violently ill all at once.

Memories flooded through him, his hallucinations phantasmagorical. Red, blood; the scent of death; his brother holding him tightly; IVs in a steady drip; seeing it all; knowing it all; lying about it all.

"He's going to kill me too!" Fai moaned.

He pulled his cell phone out of his back pocket, ignoring the frantic streams of calls that were incoming—he barely even looked at the number—instead, he called the one person who could save him.

"Fai? What's wrong?" Kurogane's voice came through the speaker. His voice was strong enough to anchor Fai to earth for just a small moment, which was enough.

"I need you! Please, I need you; come save me!" The blonde cried, feeling his vision and grip on the world becoming fuzzy; "Come, please, or I'll do something I'll regret! I want to live," he whimpered; "Please…"

At his kendo-meet, Kurogane was holding the cell phone to his ear so tightly the plastic was beginning to crack; "What do you mean?! Answer me!"

… but it was too late; the line had already grown dead.

There's nothing like a trail of blood to

Find your way back home;

He could barely feel himself anymore. Slipping away… sliding away… All he knew is that he didn't want this knife to his veins, but it was there. … An escape; no one could protect him now…. Not Kurogane, not the police, not his brother…

Another slice.

Before he drifted again, he held one thought in the second's clarity of the cut. Please, come before I die, Kuro-sama… Save me; tell me again what life can be…

All the way home, Kurogane cursed traffic; it seemed like the fifteen minute drive to the apartment he shared with Fai had been elongated into hours. Every stop light he found was red; every intersection was teeming with people. When he finally got home, he sprinted up the stairs, cussing under his breath.

He opened the door, and was hit with the overwhelming smell of blood. Without even looking, Kurogane fumbled with his cell phone and dialed 911.

He staggered through the apartment, appalled at the lines of blood on the floor. Was this how Sakura and Watanuki felt last year when Fai had tried suicide for the first time? This horrible, sinking feeling in his gut that made himself want to be sick… He followed the blood into their bedroom, where Fai was propped up against the bed, unconscious as he slowly bled out into the carpet.

"FAI!"

Somewhere, Kurogane's shouts triggered memories in Fai's hazed mind.

"One day, you'll crumble just like Yuui," Ashura sneered.

Coming home from running away, to find his mother hacked into pieces, blood bathing the walls.

Hiding in his room, darkness swathing every breath… Then screams, his screams; "FAI! FAI…

"Fai!"

White, lots of white…. Then pain… all there was left was pain… Dying hurt, apparently.

I was waiting for my hearse,

What came next was so much worse

It took a funeral to make me feel

Alive

Later, if he strained, Fai could remember being put into the ambulance, the sirens hurting his ears. He could feel the phantom pressure on his dying limbs from Kurogane' vice-like grip on his hands. He could hear ragged sobs in the background, already weary from screaming. The most curious of all, he felt something warm and wet on his face…

After the ambulance ride, he couldn't remember anything else except for black. Inside of the black, he heard few words.

Then bright. When he opened his eyes again, light was pouring into a white hospital room. His limbs felt heavy, and when he moved, he could feel the numerous needles that poked out of him in a Frankenstein-like manner, pumping him full of all the things he needed to survive.

He settled back into the pillows, then looked over, aware of a warmth next to him.

Kurogane sat in a chair next to the bed, slumped over so his head was on the bed, deep asleep.

A small smile graced Fai's lips, and he raised his hand, grimacing as pain shot through his body. He groaned softly, and Kurogane bolted awake.

"Hullo," Fai said hoarsely.

Kurogane stared at Fai in disbelief for a moment, then sighed softly, "You're finally awake," he said wearily. Fai frowned—he'd never heard his boyfriend sounding that tired before. He studied Kurogane's face, taking in the slightly sunken cheeks and the heavy bags under his eyes.

"How long was I gone?"

"Three days," Kurogane mumbled. "They put you under for all your surgery."

Fai nodded, staring at the wall over Kurogane's head, "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Why, Fai?"

The blonde winced, shaking his head. "My father… was on the television…"

Kurogane stared at him blankly, then shook his head. "I won't press the matter. You're alive, and you're getting therapy."

"Alright," Fai mumbled begrudgingly; "So, what's happened?"

Kurogane's face instantly grew ten times darker. "Sakura was admitted into the hospital about the same time you were."

Fai's eyes grew wide, and he stifled a scream. "Why?! Is she hurt?!"

"Not physically… but mentally, the doctors are worried that she'll never recover…"

"Why?" Fai demanded.

Kurogane lowered his head; "Syaoran committed suicide in front of her eyes. He walked in front of a bus. She thinks it's her fault," he said softly. Fai watched Kurogane try to spit out the words, the muscles in his jaw and throat convulsing as he relayed the news.

Fai sat in stunned hush for a long time before dissolving into tears. He sobbed alone for a long while before Kurogane climbed into the small hospital bed and held him, silent tears falling from his eyes.

It only made sense that Kurogane would cry too; he, unlike Fai, had lived in the town his entire life, grew up with Syaoran, trained with him on the kendo team…

"The funeral?" Fai finally managed to choke.

"Tomorrow."

"Why?" Fai demanded, shaking his head, "Why?"

Kurogane shook his head, "Because, some people are like that," he answered.

The blonde shuddered, pressing his face into his boyfriend's shoulder.

Tears flowed freely down his cheeks, and he began to sob horribly, shaking. He hated himself now; wanting to die like that. No matter how horrible everything was for him, he had to live. There were people who didn't want to loose him…

He had to live… he had to live…

Just open your eyes; just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful!

Will you swear on your life that no one will cry at my

Funeral?!

The next day, Fai had to be put in a wheelchair, but otherwise, he was allowed to go to the funeral. Many people were there, crying. Shaoran stood at the head of the group, a stern scowl set onto his face. Sakura stood by his side, shaking with tears.

Fai's heart broke at the sight of her. "Kuro-sama, did you tell her?" he murmured, staring up at Kurogane.

"No. This is the first time I've seen her awake…"

Fai nodded with a small grimace. He lifted himself out of the wheelchair, standing on shaky legs. "Help me out a little here," he said, smiling softly.

Kurogane gave a soft grunt, and he wrapped an arm around Fai's waist, trying to make holding the blonde up natural.

They reached their friends a few minutes later. Sakura looked much worse close up. Watanuki and Doumeki stood behind her, looking much like bodyguards. Fai observed the four quietly. Sakura kept her distance from Shaoran; every time he reached out to take her hand or some small gesture like that, she flinched away. Every time, Shaoran's face grew stonier.

"Sakura-chan," Fai murmured, stepping towards her.

Sakura looked up at Fai with wide eyes, then ran the short distance between them, flinging herself into his chest.

Fai held his friend tight, his knees giving out. "You'll be okay, Sakura-chan," he whispered.

Sakura tightened her arms around Fai's waist. "Fai-san, it's all my fault… I wish it were me; I caused this…"

The blonde hugged Sakura tighter, his arms circling her thin body completely. There was nothing romantic in the embrace, but it was very intimate; like two souls reuniting. "It's not your fault."

Shaoran watched the two with a look of disgust, then turned away, walking off. Watanuki clenched his jaw, averting his eyes from the scene, ignoring their conversation. Only Doumeki and Kurogane watched, both silent. They stood over the pair, Kurogane now added to the role of bodyguard.

"Syaoran-san was always closer to my sister than I… when she died, he… Oh, Fai-san, it is my fault! If I hadn't fallen in love with—"

"Hush," Fai commanded. "Sakura-chan, I want you to listen to me… It is not your fault. It's his for doing it. I want you to open your eyes. Right now, you're hurting Shaoran and Watanuki, as well as Kurogane and myself. We love you very, very much, and would be very sad if you died as well," he urged, squeezing her gently.

"I would be sad too, if you died, Fai-san," Sakura said, shaking her head. "If I will open my eyes, will you open yours too?"

Fai smiled gently at the girl, "Yes, I will."

"So, what you're saying is, you stupid junior, you don't want anyone to cry when you're gone?" Kurogane demanded.

"No… I want them to only remember that I was happy, that my life was lived with no regrets… isn't that right, Sakura-chan?"

Sakura gave a weak smile, then nodded. "A beautiful life lived."

"And don't be wishy-washy about it," Kurogane snapped, looking at Fai.

Alive

Just open your eyes; just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful!

Will you swear on your life that no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes; just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful!

Will you swear on your life that no one will cry at my funeral?

Fai pulled the microphone close, singing for all he was worth. He hoped the message he'd written into the song reached someone; he hoped it saved someone from the pain.

It wasn't worth it to leave behind hurt in the world. This time his resolve was clear; no more pain. He had promises to fulfill, people to love, and friends to talk with. Day by day, life became beautiful again. It was hard, but one day, he hoped that he could have a funeral where no one cried… Because… well, his friends had had enough of that.