A/N: Ah! Hi! -shuffles around blushing and wringing hands- So, this is the... ah... chapter that finally bumped the rating. I figured it would be -clears throat- safter to just... Aw, screw the innocent act! I finally decided to write some heavily implied sex. God knows Fai would be so much less of an emo-muffin if he got laid as much as we want him to! -kicks Infintity and Celes arcs- (Whatever persuaded me to read them again!?) Anyway, with the 'sex' (it's more lime than lemon) in this chapter (In the first line, no less!) some stuff in the earlier chapers, and what's coming up with the next Gothix chapter... I figured it would be safter to bump the rating to M. Go tell all your friends now, and leave good reveiws!! The song is "WthYou" (Remix from Reanimation) by Linkin' Park, featuring Chairman Hahn and Aceyalone.
Chapter Nine: WthYou
(Come on!)
I woke up in a dream today
To the cold of the static
And I put my cold feet on the floor
(Forgot all about yesterday)
Remembering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore
Fingers grasped at his skin, sliding with the slick sweat. He knew he couldn't keep going any longer, and as the man writhed beneath him, he came violently, collapsing against the thin frame pressed so damn close…
Suddenly, a harsh ringing brought him out of his dream… "A dream," he grunted, rubbing his eyes viciously with the palms of his hands. He slid out of his bed, his feet connecting to the cold wood with a soft thump.
The taste of alcohol from the night before burned like acid in the back of his throat. He swallowed, feeling like he'd been stuffed with cotton. He rubbed his temples angrily. For a second there, he had thought he was back in Yama, fucking Fai into the ground, then holding him close afterwards.
A bitter laugh escaped Kurogane's throat, and he fell back onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling. In truth, it had probably only been a year or so since they were in Yama… That half a year together was wonderful, even from Kurogane's unromantic point of view. There was barely any communication between himself and Fai, save the few pictures drawn into the ground and gestures. He closed his eyes again, losing himself in the dream.
"K…kuro-sama," the blonde breathed, wrapping his arms around Kurogane's shoulders. He mumbled something else in the gibberish that was his language, but the ninja silenced him with a kiss. He'd no clue what the magician was saying, but from the look on Fai's face, it was something that was breaking his heart. The ninja didn't want to put him through that.
Fai easily let Kurogane dominate him and the two slid easily into their passions once again.
With a sigh, he opened his eyes once more.
A little taste of hypocrisy
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake
Slow to react
Even though you're so close to me,
You're still so distant, and I can't bring you back
He rose to his feet once more, getting dressed quickly, trying to get away from the dream as fast as he could. He could still feel the ghost of Fai underneath his fingers, and he tried to shake it away, but it didn't work. It never did. The damn mage got under his skin and stayed there.
It was so hypocritical. He kept castigating Fai for holding onto whatever past he had, but here he was holding onto their past. "This is this and that is that…" he muttered irritably.
He knew he Fai probably shirked off the memory as an accident, or maybe some warped way of communicating in Yama… Kurogane snorted; that wasn't true at all. They continued screwing each other senseless well into Lecourt.
It wasn't until Tokyo… Kurogane sighed, letting his hand rest on the doorknob, dreading what would happen in the next hour until the children woke up. A chilly hour with him trying to persuade Fai into eating, then afterwards, watching him dedicate himself to Sakura and no one else.
Even though he'd be in sight the entire day, it was like Fai had completely left the world… He'd changed so completely that he wasn't the idiot anymore.
Kurogane gripped the handle harder. What did the fool want him to do? Let him die? Then explain to the little princess that he'd died trying to do the impossible for her? Sakura already felt bad enough about what happened in Tokyo. And what about the other Syaoran? He blamed himself for the total breakdown of the kid.
He brought Fai's body back, but it was like the mage had died and he'd brought someone entirely different back to life.
But what else was he supposed to do? Let their family disintegrate? Yes, their family. Like hell he was going to let himself lose a family again. It might've been completely selfish of him, but at least it kept them all together, and all somewhat sane…
He opened the door, and stepped into the cold living area.
Fai sat on the couch, staring absently out the window at the industrialized skyline. His eye darted to Kurogane, then fell back to the window. "You're up late."
"I'm up at the same time as always."
"The children have already left," he muttered dryly.
"Together?" Kurogane asked incredulously.
"No. Alone," a worried frown crossed Fai's face, "Sakura-chan wouldn't let me come to the training with her…"
"Where's the kid?"
"Out; he said he'd do reconnaissance with Mokona."
"We already know how to get the feather."
Fai gave a soft grunt of annoyance, like the conversation bored him.
Kurogane sighed, giving up on talking anymore. He stepped into the kitchen and grabbed himself something to eat. He looked at the desolate food, irritated; he'd grown used to the grueling process of shoving Fai's sugar-laden breakfasts down so fast he couldn't taste them. His gaze traveled back to the living room, where the vampire still sat, staring wistfully out the window.
It's true
The way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories,
Even if you're not with me,
I'm with you
That face! It irritated him so much; he wanted to shake Fai until the strain between them broke, and they could go back to the slow progress they were making. Before the incident in Tokyo, Fai had slipped up occasionally.
"I don't want to cause anyone unhappiness by being associated with me…"
Gods, the face he made then. Damn, it was so broken. At that moment, he knew he had to fix whatever it was. He'd do it too, by god. Fai was lonely, he knew it; the thing was, it was such a self imposed loneliness, not even the most physical of all connections could shake it.
He could remember how Fai sounded when they'd first had sex. He didn't understand what he was saying when it happened, but the tone of his voice and his face clearly said; "We may be doing this now, but I'm still going to be alone in the end. I know you'll leave me as soon as we get to your country…"
Kurogane grit his teeth, and stomped into the living room. He'd have a good talk with Fai. He'd always be at his corner. He'd sworn to that in Yama.
You, now I see, keeping everything inside
(With you)
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes
(With you)
You, now I see, keeping everything inside
(With you)
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes
"I'm not hungry," Fai said mechanically.
Kurogane blinked, then sighed. That's right. Lately, when he called Fai out it was because the damn magician hadn't eaten. Not because he finally got angry that he was standing at the corner alone.
"It's not about that."
"Then leave me alone."
"I can't do that."
"Why?" Fai asked, venom in his voice and words alike. "Because you care? Look where caring got me; a human parasite. Do you know how much that fucking hurt?"
Kurogane didn't wince. He knew; he was the one who held Fai down during his transformation. He could hear the screams still echoing inside of his mind—pain-laced and inhuman. He could never forget. But he also couldn't forget the icy indifference that ensued afterwards. He could never forget… that smile…
"Or was it because we fucked once upon a time?"
Fai stared up at the ninja, the blue in his eye being washed out with the vivid gold of the vampire that slept within him. The eye was a warning. It was a clear beacon of the dangers he held. Not even Kurogane could stand against a vampire raging full-force without a weapon. Even so, the swordsman held strong, not letting a muscle twitch.
Fai seethed, angry at not being able to raise a response out of his companion. "I hate you for what you did to me," he hissed, his face clearly saying that he thought he deserved to die.
Kurogane sighed, knowing what he was about to say was probably the sappiest thing on the face of the planet. "I don't care. I did it because I love you."
Kurogane could see the emotions whirling in Fai's inhuman eyes; the pain, the anger, the hatred, the sadness, the yearning, the drowning loneliness and guilt that always fringed his actions.
The taller man closed his eyes, remembering the face of the Fai that began their journeys together and the Fai that stood before him now... Which one of them was real?
This one. Undoubtedly. This hatred was real; this silence was a begrudging way of acknowledging a line passed. A barrier broken. Whatever.
I hit you and you hit me back
We fall to the floor
The rest of the day stands still
When Kurogane opened his eyes again, Fai was shaking in anger, his pupils fully contracted into the cat-like iris of a vampire infuriated. "It's true," he said firmly.
"I still love you."
Fai brought his hand up, his palm hitting Kurogane's face full-force, his half-extended talons scraping long gouges against the tan skin of the ninja's cheek. "I hate you," he raged, withdrawing his hand and balling both into fists.
Finally something snapped. Kurogane grabbed Fai's arm's, shaking the blonde man. "When will it sink in? You don't hate me! You can't hate me!"
"You're so goddamn cocky, Kurogane!"
"Don't say my name!"
The cold grin that Fai gave shook Kurogane to his core. This was egging the man on. How could he stop this and get his point across?
With a sharp growl, Kurogane lunged forward; slamming his lips so hard into Fai's that he tasted blood against his teeth. He felt Fai's hands push against him, struggling to get away, so he gripped the blonde hard enough to leave bruises. He pushed his tongue into Fai's mouth, sweeping it across the magician's tongue. He pulled the man to his chest, his hands falling from Fai's arms to his hips, squeezing until he felt the familiar press of the bone rising from the other man's thin hips.
He felt a small vibration against his chest, and he realized that Fai was screaming. He loosened his hold, but kissed him even harder. The blonde stomped down on Kurogane's foot, he bit the ninja's tongue, he even resorted to scratching, but Kurogane's resolve never wavered: Fai was not getting away.
Suddenly, Fai's tongue was sweeping the inside of his lip, and he winced as the magician prodded at the opening in the tissue from when he split it from kissing. It didn't matter, though; Fai was kissing back.
Slowly the blonde's resolve to resist melted, and they were sharing a heated kiss. Finally, Kurogane trusted Fai enough to stop kissing him so violently, and he dragged his mouth away from the blonde's swollen lips, leaving a thin trail of saliva as he kissed down Fai's chin, to his neck. He found a slight welt along the curve of Fai's neck where the Chess collar rubbed against his skin. He ran his tongue against it, feeling Fai wince and shiver against his body.
He squeezed Fai's hips, pulling him forward. His mouth traveled to the small hollow in the middle of the slighter man's neck, right above where his collar bone jutted out. He kissed it gently, and then bit down on the skin over the bone. Fai's throat vibrated beneath his lips as the blonde gave a soft moan.
Kurogane grinned wickedly, remembering the magician's masochistic streak. Nevertheless, he pulled back, attacking Fai's mouth once more.
It had been too long. Too long in the cold, too long without contact.
Fai's hands shook as his nails retreated, and he then reached up and twinned his fingers into Kurogane's hair. He too, had missed this. It was easier to put up the barriers than to fear the future where the ninja would surely be hurt, or worse, killed.
Kurogane's hands left Fai's waist, opting to roam every inch of exposed skin; which was a lot, considering how he dressed.
Their kisses grew hotter, and the touches more intimate. They finally fell to the floor, too wrapped up in the other to bother standing.
They paid no heed of the window, which was wide open; they ignored the fact that they had no clue when the children were coming home—time did not matter, except the measurement of how short the time was that they could continue to pretend to be lovers. It was too much.
Too much. Every kiss brought them closer, every caress took them higher, and every thrust broke apart each boundary that had been drawn.
For some, this would have crumbled all walls built. For Fai, it only encouraged him to build them higher. For Kurogane, it only told him that he had to try harder.
Fine line between this and that
When things go wrong I pretend the past isn't real
Now I'm trapped in this memory
Somehow, in the midst of their 'love-making', they'd moved into Kurogane's room. It had eventually dawned on one of them (the details were lost in a lusty haze) that the living room floor, while kinky, was not an acceptable place to fuck.
Now Kurogane leaned over Fai, breathing softly. The blonde was asleep under him, and the ninja wondered for the world if he was just dreaming again. He raised a hand, tracing all the bruises and bite marks that were a testament between their closeness. His calloused fingers were light against the vampire's smooth skin.
He could swear that the bruises were already fading. By morning tomorrow, there would be no evidence left but the memory.
He sighed softly, his breath ruffling Fai's long hair. The blonde made a face, murmuring something in his sleep as he twitched within his dream.
Kurogane closed his eyes and laid down, resting his face over his companion's heart.
Everything was so wrong. Why couldn't they just put Tokyo behind them? Why couldn't Fai just accept that someone cared enough to keep him alive? That bad luck did not seem to follow him as he claimed?
He slid his hand over Fai's, lacing his fingers between the sleeping blonde's thin, cold ones. He wondered why he let his guard down around Fai. It had given the mage the perfect opening to wound him. Even now, he was vulnerable. When Fai woke, he knew his heart would be pummeled again; it would hurt too. In the last month, his heart had endured a beating that was so similar to the one he had suffered when his parents died; he was surprised that he'd been able to keep his cool. But that was one of the ways he'd changed since meeting the blonde.
He closed his eyes, letting himself be caught up with the familiarity of Fai's body, warmth, and comfort; because he was sure that this was the last time he'd ever be allowed to bask in it.
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake
Slow to react
Even though you're close to me,
You're still so distant, and I can't bring you back
It's true
The way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories,
Even if you're not with me,
I'm with you
You, now I see, keeping everything inside
(With you)
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes
(With you)
You, now I see, keeping everything inside
(With you)
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes
He was right. When he awoke, Fai was gone, leaving only a phantom of himself in his wake.
Kurogane swung out of bed, walking out into the living room. It was dark, but he could still see quite clearly. A silhouette was cut against the window.
"Fai?"
The shadow moved softly, but no answer came for a long time. "I can't see the stars," the black figure said sadly.
"Well, we're in the city."
The silhouette nodded. Kurogane didn't know what else to do, or say, and Fai didn't do anything at all.
"Goodnight, Kurogane," Fai finally said icily, walking back into his room, closing the door behind him. It locked with a firm click.
(No!)
I won't let you control my fate
While I'm holding the weight of the world on my conscience!
(No!)
Kurogane stood out in the cold living room for a long time, trying to make out the stars in the sky. When he failed, he sighed sadly.
What was he aiming at? Trying to find a star for Fai, or for himself? He'd never wanted to wish on a star. That was a pansy move; lazy too. There was nothing you could wish for that you couldn't do yourself. (Well, aside from going through a bazillion different worlds, but he didn't actually wish for that.)
However, his ideas on that were starting to change. He briefly wondered what it would cost him for Fai to tell him the truth… to know where he actually stood with the blonde.
Because it tortured him, to feel like he was the only one who felt it. The compelling tug towards the magician. Like he was fated for the man. As if he were doomed to chase after the infuriating blonde the moment he set eyes on his beautiful face that day in the rain.
He knew for certain that since he first heard Fai plead for him, he was tied to the man. He could never turn back.
Now, he had Fai's life flowing through his veins; the screams that were engraved into his brain reminded him constantly.
Two promises, conflicting with each other. Even though he longed to return to Nihon… he would gladly go gallivanting off into an infinite amount of dimensions if it meant being with Fai… If it meant not being, finally, alone.
It was certain. It bothered him to the point of physical pain to see Fai hiding like this, to see him worried, to see him distressed like he was.
I won't just sit here and wait
While you're weighing your options
You're making a fool of me!
(No!)
You didn't dare try to say that you don't care
And solemnly swear not to follow me there
He sighed, knowing he was going to get hell for what he was about to do. He stepped forward, and silently picked the lock on Fai's door. It was easy, between his ninja training and the cheap locks on the apartment doors.
He stepped in, his figure cast in a warm light that came from the lone lamp in the threadbare room.
"Get out."
Kurogane shook his head. Fai might be his fate, but he wouldn't follow him if this was how he was going to be treated. "We need to talk," the swordsman said evenly.
Fai snorted. "We did plenty of that today."
Kurogane grit his teeth, getting the distinct feeling that Fai was making fun of him. "Don't joke about those sort of things."
Fai grinned icily. "Poor Kurogane. Does rejection hurt? Does having your will bent against you and then flaunted in front of your face make you mad?
(No!)
It ain't like me to beg on my knees,
Oh, please, oh baby, please
That's no how I'm doing things
No, I'm not upset.
No, I'm not angry.
I know love is love;
Love and sometimes it pains me
With or without you,
I'll always be with you
You'll never forget me
I'm keeping you with me
"Don't make this about you; it's about us," Kurogane threatened, stepping forward.
"What about us?" Fai stepped forward, pressing his body close. He ran his fingers down Kurogane's arms, the cold, feather-light touch making the taller man shiver.
"There is no us. I don't love you in the slightest," Fai hissed, narrowing his eye. He stepped back, surveying the other man to see if he did any damage.
"…Don't say that. You know it's not true."
"How can you tell me what I feel?"
"It's not true. Don't say that it is."
"Are you begging?"
A cold gleam entered into Kurogane's eyes. "If I do, will you see reason?"
"There is no reason to see! I don't want to love you! I can't love you!"
"What?"
Fai clamped his hands over his mouth, scowling.
Kurogane stepped forward. "What's this about can't?"
Fai hissed quietly. "…I can't. You've made it clear that you don't love me. You hate people like me, don't you?"
Kurogane rolled his eyes and gave a sort laugh. "I'd not be like this if I didn't, you freaking idiot! I get irritated at you, but I don't hate you. Now that I've told you the truth, why don't you try it?"
"I won't," Fai muttered. However, his face softened considerably. "I still don't like you, Kurogane," he muttered
(No!)
I won't let you take me to the end of my rope
While you burn it and torture my soul;
(No!) I'm not your puppet
And no, no, no I won't let you go!
This was how their conversations always ended. With a cold glare and a name. Normally, that was the end of it, and Kurogane would stomp off angry…
Not this time. He wasn't going to let Fai have the last word, the satisfaction of winning. He wouldn't let the blonde control him to that point. He loved the smaller man, certainly, but there was a line that needed to be drawn.
Kurogane shook his head, sighing softly. "Fai…"
No
No matter how far we've come
I can't wait to see tomorrow
No matter how far we've come
I can't wait to see tomorrow
With you
You, now I see, keeping everything inside
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes
You, now I see, keeping everything inside
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes
"Fai," he murmured, purposely repeating the magician's name. Return the courtesy… only… he loved the way the blonde's name rolled off his tongue. … this was what was needed to keep his sanity, their ever changing battle between themselves. For now, he'd leave it at this impasse. "I found the stars."
Fai shook his head, "Don't change the subject," he murmured, but he then walked slowly to the window.
Kurogane followed behind him, and then wrapped his arms around the vampire's shoulders. "Don't move," he whispered.
Fai sighed softly. "I don't see any stars."
"Just stay."
After a while, the sun rose to see Kurogane still holding Fai tightly, while the blonde leaned against his companion, looking less sour and more content.
Far from a happy ending, but it was satisfactory enough for Kurogane.