In the commotion, they'd forgotten about the actual implants. Janeway had covered hers with her hair but Tom's was visible. The Doctor had numbed the area to stop the discomfort, but when they walked into the mess hall, they drew some attention. Chakotay had briefed the crew on this new development – Janeway could tell because a hush fell over the room when they entered.
"Captain! Lieutenant!" Neelix broke the ice. "Nice to see you back!"
"Thank you," Janeway said.
"Can I get you anything?" he asked, ushering them down into seats at their own table.
"Coffee," Tom said. "Black." Janeway smirked at him. "What? It sounds good," he defended.
"I'll say," Janeway said. "Make that two and whatever you're serving for lunch."
"Of course," Neelix said.
"Am I going to start craving pizza?" she asked.
"Maybe a bowl of tomato soup," he chuckled.
Neelix came back with their meals. He set them on the table and waited with his hands behind his back.
"Thank you, Neelix," Janeway said in a much kinder voice than she felt. Tom smiled and ducked his head to hide it.
"You're welcome," he said and grinned.
"Was there… something else?" Tom asked.
"As morale officer, it's my duty to make sure our two most important officers are doing all right," he said.
"Have you been talking to the Doctor?" Janeway asked. Tom cleared his throat.
"He may have mentioned that he released the two of you from sickbay," Neelix said.
"We're fine," Tom said. "But if we need something, we'll let you know."
Neelix nodded and let them be but Tom could see him watching them from across the room.
"One would think we'd be used to gossip about us," Janeway said, prodding at the meal on her tray.
"No one gossips about you, Captain Janeway," Tom said, his face stoic for a moment before she saw the flicker in his eyes and felt the mirth coming from him.
"Yeah," she said. "Sure."
"At least not while you're in the room," he added.
"The truth," she said.
"You may as well take a bite," Tom said, changing the subject. "It's not so bad."
"Not so bad isn't exactly a ringing endorsement," she said, shoveling some food onto her fork.
"It's got a weird texture but the flavor isn't terrible," he admitted. She tried it and shrugged.
"I'll eat it," she said. "But I don't have to enjoy it."
oooo
"Chakotay!"
The Commander turned around in the corridor to see B'Elanna walking toward him.
"How are you?" he asked.
"Fine," she said. "I think. Do you have a minute?"
"Of course, I was just heading into my office," he said. "Join me."
B'Elanna settled into the chair opposite his and waited for him to get ready for a good talk.
"What's on your mind?" he asked.
"I saw the Captain and Tom in the mess earlier," she said.
"The Doctor mentioned that he'd released them from sickbay," Chakotay said. "I was going to go by after the shift change."
"They ate lunch together," B'Elanna said.
"The implants force a certain amount of proximity," Chakotay said.
"They came together and left together," B'Elanna said. "Harry said they were… chatting."
"I'm sorry, what exactly was your concern?" Chakotay asked.
"I've never seen Janeway be… chatty before."
"You don't spend a lot of time with her off-duty. Or on, for that matter," Chakotay pointed out. "She's more than the sum of her pips, B'Elanna."
"I know!" B'Elanna said. "But it was strange. I couldn't hear them but they seemed totally at ease."
"That's a good thing."
"If someone was reading my mind, the last thing I would be is comfortable with it," she said.
"You want to know what I think?" Chakotay asked. B'Elanna nodded. "They aren't like us."
"What do you mean?"
"The Captain and Tom are both so steeped in Starfleet that they surely think the same way. It's probably uncomfortable for them, but not impossible," Chakotay said.
"Janeway, yes, but Tom?" B'Elanna asked.
"Oh yes," Chakotay said. "When I agreed to be second in command, I spent a lot of time looking over everyone's personnel files. Tom's was most enlightening."
"I know Tom as well as anyone," B'Elanna said testily.
"Anyone except Kathryn Janeway," he said. "She spent years under the command of his father. The Paris's and Janeway's have been in Starfleet for generations."
"Tom hates his father," B'Elanna argued.
"If you ask the Captain," Chakotay said. "Tom is just like his father."
B'Elanna took a moment to consider this.
"What is your real concern, B'Elanna?" Chakotay asked.
"I guess," she sighed, looking suddenly sheepish. "I guess it's that Tom walked right by me and didn't say a thing."
"I see."
"What if they never get those things out of their head?" B'Elanna asked. "Will I lose Tom forever?" Chakotay leaned back in his char and rubbed his face.
"I can't tell you the amount of things I've lost to Kathryn Janeway," he said.
This did not make B'Elanna feel any better.
oooo
"You're tired," Tom said.
"A bit," she admitted. No use lying, after all.
"Do you want to return to your quarters?" he prodded. They were in Stellar Cartography and she was pouring over the star charts of the region they were in. He could tell she was desperate – as if knowing more about the planet they'd been found on would lead them to know more about the Agorna.
"Desperate is a little harsh," she said, looking up at him.
"What if we never track them down?" Paris said. "Is that such a bad thing? Those transporters cut right through our shields. Is it wise to engage in more contact with a paranoid, aggressive species?"
"They may be our only hope in removing the implants," she said.
"I wouldn't write the Doc of just yet," he said. "He just needs more time."
"And if he can't find a solution?" Janeway asked. Tom said nothing, instead looking at her searchingly, his mind open and probing.
"Would it be so bad?" he asked finally. "It isn't ideal, but as far as consequences go…"
"We could adapt," she admitted. "But I believe our individuality would suffer. Our relationships would suffer. Having friends or lovers would be almost impossible."
He hadn't thought of that. Come to think of it, he'd barely thought about anyone other than himself or her since the whole thing started.
"You see?" she prodded. "Harry could never tell you something without telling his Captain. And forget about romance – any date you went on, I'd have to be there. Mentally and physically."
"That's a bridge we'll have to cross when we get there," he said.
"Tell that to B'Elanna," she said.
"B'Elanna and I aren't…" He paused. He didn't have to say it. She could see the back and forth, the thrill of the chase and then… B'Elanna had told him she'd loved him? Janeway hadn't known that. Instead of feeling happy about it, Tom had felt panic and the urge to flee.
"You've been leading her on," Janeway scolded.
"I know," he said. "I've been waiting for the right time to… but is there ever a right time with a Klingon?"
"I shouldn't even know this," Janeway said, sitting down at the stool in front of the console she'd been working on. "This is… I don't know. Disorienting."
"And what of your love life?" he said.
"Not a question one should ask one's Captain," she snapped.
"With all due respect, Captain, if your theory is correct, it's going to become my business," he said. She hated it, but it was right.
"Well don't worry," she said. "I haven't got one."
"But I thought…"
He stopped himself before he said it out loud but she could see Chakotay clearly in his thoughts.
"Not that it's any of your business, but no," she said. "Not ever and so help me God if you press me on this issue, I'll find some way to punish you even if it means punishing us both."
"Understood," he said.
"Come on, let's go," she sighed. In the corridor, they headed for her quarters. She could feel him smirking beside her. "What?"
"He made you a bathtub?" Tom said through his smile. She reached out and smacked him on his arm, forgetting that the pain would show up on her self only a moment later.
oooo
In bed, Janeway tossed and turned. Sleep was no use, absolutely no use. Tom's mind was racing.
"Because yours is," he called from her couch on the other side of the wall.
"Because yours is!" she argued. She heard him sigh and get to his feet. He came to her doorway and stood in the frame, his arms crossed.
"We managed it the first night," he pointed out. "On the planet."
"You slept," she said. "I didn't."
"For part of it," he argued.
"Sheer exhaustion," she said. "I don't want to have to run ourselves ragged every single day in order to get a little shut eye."
"And the Doctor has made himself perfectly clear on the daily use of sedatives," Tom added.
"Which leaves us with…"
"A problem," he said. "Don't think it."
"Too late," she said. He sighed.
"Tuvok was right," Tom muttered. He'd offered to give them lessons on meditation and quieting the mind.
"He tends to be which, I know, is frustrating," Janeway said, sitting up in the bed. She pulled the covers around her waist, bunching the blanket. He glanced at her in the low light – she had chosen a blue shift to sleep in. It didn't seem comfortable having something so high up on her neck, but then again, the uniform was the same way and she had worn it nearly her whole life.
"You'll ask him about it?" Tom said, instead. But she looked at him, her hand at her neck. There was no 'instead' these days.
"Yes," she said.
"Only one of us has to actually be there for the lesson," he said. "He's your best friend."
"Best friend?" she said. It was hard to think of a Vulcan in the way she thought of her close human friends, but he was probably right. Tuvok was trustworthy and dependable. He believed in her.
"I believe in you," Tom said. She sighed, heavy and exaggerated.
"We have got to get some sleep," she said.
"For our busy day of doing nothing tomorrow?" he asked, sounding a little bitter. She threw back the blankets and he saw a flash of bare ankle and small toes. She had such small feet. He turned away while she pulled on her robe.
"Come on," she said. "We're going for a walk."
He couldn't surprise her with the location. The only way he could surprise her with the holodeck program was because she hadn't decided until they stood in front of the interface, scrolling through program options. If it were Harry, he'd suggest a martial arts program, something to tire them out physically.
"You don't think I could beat up a Klingon?" she asked, pausing the list of programs to turn to him.
"I think our bodies could use a full week without getting pummeled. Yours and mine," he said.
"Nice save," she murmured, turning back to the screen. "Horse riding?"
"No."
"Parasailing?" she asked.
"You know what I used to do to tire myself out?" he asked, nudging her aside to gain access to the controls. On a normal day, she'd give him an icy look but they both understand that protocol only works up to a certain level. She can feel that he means no disrespect by his easy conversation, a familiar touch now and then. It's freeing, actually, not having to analyze every little word or movement.
She knows what she's going to see before the door opens, but there it is just the same. The Starfleet Academy aquatic center. A large, rectangular swimming pool made the holodeck humid and warm. The lights above reflected off the water and they walked up to the edge of the water and peered down.
"Laps," she said. "Is this about wanting to see me in a bathing suit?"
"Well," he said. Which wasn't really an answer but she could answer it for herself. He really did used to swim laps in his cadet days.
In the changing area, across the hall from where he went, she found a Starfleet issue swimming suit in her size. It was grey and tight to cut down on resistance. Because of her career track, the suit had dark red piping along the seams. She found it odd, the constant need for classification, even on something as unimportant as a bathing costume but people liked to know where they stood. Or swam, as it was.
Tom's trunks had red on them too.
"I looked better in the blue," she said when they met again at the edge of the pool. It was a throw away thought, something she would have never voiced if he wouldn't have heard it anyway.
"A science officer," Tom said. "You look good in red, too."
"Lucky for me," she said and walked away from him, intent on choosing a lane. She wondered which he would choose once she planted her feet at the edge of the pool. If it were Harry, he'd place the most distance he could between them. Chakotay would give her the space of one lane to keep her close but not crowd her. Tom, she suspected, would walk right up to her and keep her near.
"You know me too well," he said and stood next to her, only a plastic line of buoys separating them. He dove in first and she wasted no time jumping in after him and pushing off the wall. The water felt nice and refreshing. Her limbs were strong and carried her body quickly but Tom stayed ahead of her and touched the wall first. She felt him turn around and shoot past her again.
About ten laps later, the Doctor contacted her. His voice was filtered through the speakers in the pool so she could hear his summons underwater. She stopped herself mid-stroke and started treading water in the middle of the pool. Tom stopped too and swam toward her, hanging on to the lane line.
"Janeway here," she said, relying on the holodeck communications systems because her comm. badge was in the dressing room.
"Captain, I'm concerned. I'm getting some strange readings from your implant. From Mr. Paris's as well."
"Strange?" Tom asked.
"Please report to sickbay," the Doctor ordered. "I'd like to run some tests."
Sighing, they swam to the edge. Tom pushed himself up out of the water first and then helped pull her out. His skin was slippery with water but his grip firm. She made sure not to look at him too closely – the sprinkle of hair across his chest or the defined muscles in his retreating back. She wouldn't say anything about him just as he wouldn't voice his thoughts on her bare shoulders.
The Doctor looked at them oddly when they walked in. They were in their nightwear but both were wet. Janeway's hair was slicked back and her face washed clean.
"We were swimming," Tom said.
"That explains the interesting atmospheric readings I was getting," the Doctor said. "I don't believe I cleared you for full submersion with your alien devices."
"Is that all you were concerned about?" Janeway prodded.
"No," the Doctor said. "I'm concerned about your hormone levels. These readings suggest that the longer your implants are in, the more connected you will become. If I don't find a way to remove them soon, they're going to be permanent."
"We knew that," Tom said. "Didn't we?"
"He wasn't sure," Janeway said. "What about putting us in stasis to buy you time?"
"It may come to that," the Doctor said. "Since it isn't life threatening I am reluctant to do so but Mr. Kim has found no trace of the aliens who did this too you. I can't base my research on the idea that we may find more information down the line."
"Agreed," Janeway said. "If Voyager finds still no trace of the ship tomorrow, we'll resume course to the Alpha Quadrant."
"Get some sleep," the Doctor said. "I'll have more for you in the morning."
"About that," Tom said. "We're having trouble sleeping. Any suggestions?"
"Our minds won't quiet down," Janeway offered.
"We know so little about this technology," the Doctor said. "But we do know that the more distance between you, the more activity in the implant. The closer your are, the easier it will be to work together and to control what you send to one another."
The Doctor didn't come out and say it, of course, but the implication was clear.
oooo
In her quarters, it was awkward. Tom went back to the sofa and told her goodnight in no uncertain terms. She retreated to her bedroom and got back in bed, willing her mind into silence. The silence, however, was strained and every time she thought she heard something from his mind, it was yanked away.
Eventually, though, she slept.
She was dreaming about New Earth. She was walking along the river, her feet bare. It was warm and bright and she held her hand at her brow, shielding her gaze from the glare of the sun on the water. She was looking for someone.
"Chakotay?" she called. There was no response. She walked a few more meters and then saw it – the overturned boat, broken and washed up on the shore.
She was alone.
oooo
"Captain?"
Tom's voice helped her rise up through the fog of sleep. She opened her eyes and looked toward the sound. Tom was in his uniform in her doorway.
"What's wrong?" she asked, her voice husky with sleep.
"Nothing," he assured her. "But it's time to wake up." They had an appointment with the Doctor and he didn't want to have to miss breakfast.
"All right," she said. He stepped away and left her to shower and dress. He'd surprised her, being in uniform. Tom was the type to wear civilian clothes at every opportunity, since on Voyager the opportunities were rare. In her closet, she had some civilian clothes – most had been replicated after coming to the Delta Quadrant. Most of her things she'd left at home, with Mark and…
No, no. That was a bad road to go down with someone else listening in. She stepped into the sonic shower, allowing only one longing glance to her bathtub and stood quietly while the shower cycled through. In the mirror, she could see that her hair was going to be out of control today – punishment for falling asleep while it was wet.
She pulled on a uniform and stood in her bathroom looking at her hair with a critical and somewhat hateful eye.
"Don't you dare," Tom said, appearing in the doorway. She could see his reflection in the mirror but she turned around anyway.
"I could have been naked, Mr. Paris," she teased.
"I knew you weren't," he said. "I also know what you're thinking."
"I've been thinking about cutting my hair for six years," she said. "And I every time I voice the thought, the man in my life steps in and has a small fit."
"As the man in your life now, allow me to pitch that fit," he said. "Don't cut it."
"It's just hair," she said, throwing up her hands. "Men. They never do grow up, do they?"
"Maybe not," he admitted with a smile.
"Well, Tom. As the man in my life, consider your opinion noted," she said. "But I think I'm really going to do it this time."
"If we get the implants out," Tom said. "Do it in celebration of that."
"A fair compromise," she said. She picked up her hairbrush and expected him to go but he stayed and watched her brush out the snarls, watched her gather the hair at her temples, watched her fasten the gold clip around her ponytail while the light of the implant blinked and blinked.
oooo
"I've found a way to dampen the effects," the Doctor said and paused for the acclaim he thought he deserved. Tom and Janeway both waited for more information expectantly.
"Go on," she said.
"Seven and I have been developing a dampening field," the Doctor said. "It will help with some of the more severe symptoms and slow the effects that threaten to make this a permanent complication."
"Which symptoms?" Tom asked.
"Shared pain, for one. It should make distance more bearable and it should help you sleep," he said. "You'll have to wear cortical monitors. It isn't a solution."
"But it's a start," Janeway said. "Thank you, Doctor."
When the Doctor activated the dampening field, Tom seemed to move farther away from her even though he stood still beside her. It was harder, though not impossible, to feel Tom's mind probing for hers.
"Pinch me," Tom ordered the Doctor.
"Gladly," he said and pinched Tom's arm. Tom winced and Janeway waited but didn't feel anything.
"Good work, Doctor," she said. "Can we return to duty with these?"
"Limited duty," the Doctor said.
"Bridge duty," Tom said, happily. "Unless you want to do a shift in sickbay too, Captain?"
"You'll have to live without Tom for a while," Janeway said to the Doctor quickly.
When they exited the turbolift to bridge, Tom felt a definitely wave of relief and happiness coming from Janeway. Despite their circumstances, the woman really did love her job. People greeted them with a surprised murmur but no one said anything against their presence. Tom relieved the helm officer and slid into his seat. He was half way through his daily diagnostics when he felt the first prickle from Janeway. Something was getting up her ire up, enough so that he could feel it through the field.
He turned around to look at her and saw Chakotay standing close to her, his brow furrowed with concern. He had his hand on her arm and was whispering.
"Thank you for your thoughts on the matter, Commander, but we're both perfectly fine," she said, a steely note in her voice. Apparently Janeway didn't care for the Commander's overprotection. She glanced at him briefly and her spun back around in his chair focusing on his work.
The Commander was protective of her; they'd all seen it. To be honest, everyone was a little protective of Janeway, from Tuvok all the way down to Neelix. Everyone looked out for their Captain, after all, and Janeway could be reckless. She often lost sight of the bigger picture when she was swept up in the excitement of some new adventure. Every time she went on an away mission, Tuvok lost ten years of his life. She tended to get distracted and wander off without telling anyone or forget about procedure and protocol all together.
Suddenly she was beside him at the helm, leaning over the console as if studying some data.
"Tell me, Mr. Paris, are you going to sit there and contemplate my flaws the entire shift?" she murmured in a low voice.
"I'm not!" he argued. "I'm just thinking."
"Think about flying," she ordered and walked away.
But as the shift wore on, it became harder and harder not to let his mind wander. It was a slow shift. They were moving at a relatively slow speed trying to map the region with as much detail as possible while scanning for any last sign of the alien ship. Everyone seemed a little on edge with the Captain back after an absence so no one was particularly chatty. Usually Tom would be the one to break the silence with a joke or an observation but anytime he thought of something to say, he felt Janeway's eyes on the back of his neck and decided to hold his tongue.
And then it was her mind that was wandering. She was reading the latest engineering report, her legs crossed at her chair. He was getting the data from her in a steady stream but then she began to think about B'Elanna. He got a sharp pang of guilt from her and when he glanced over his shoulder at her, she had turned her face away from him. Was she feeling guilty because she knew that what he had with B'Elanna would never last or was she feeling guilty because she was helping to bring it a swift close?
She was right about relationships. Three was a crowd and if this did become permanent, they'd have to get used to being alone together.
"Mr. Paris?" she said. "I'd like to speak to you in my ready room."
Whoops. His mind had wandered too far. He followed her into the room and she faced him as soon as the door closed and crossed her arms defensively.
"I can't help it," he blurted.
"Neither can I," she said. "I think this is making it worse." She pointed to the monitor that was controlling the dampening field.
"What?"
"It's making it… harder. Instead of just knowing how you feel, I find myself searching for you when I should just be… I mean, it was kind of easy before. Now it's like every feeling I get from you is supposed to mean something!" she sputtered.
"Let's take them off," he said. "I think you're right. It is just complicating things."
"Fine," she said. She tilted her head slightly so he could reach out and plucked the monitor off. As soon as hers disconnected, the field disappeared and he felt a rush of emotion from her. They both swayed and he reached out to grab her arms to steady them both. The contact, however, was perhaps not the best idea because everything just got stronger. Her apprehension about this rash decision, the fear that they'd never truly be themselves again, the secret pleasure that it was Tom this had happened with and no one else, not even Chakotay. Not even B'Elanna. The exhaustion, the frustration, the need to be understood and the realization that now they were.
"He makes me so frustrated," Janeway said, finally. "He talks to me like I'm a child, like I don't know my own limits."
"He doesn't trust me," Paris offered. "He's worried about you."
"He's worried about Kathryn, not the Captain," she complained.
"You say it like they're different people," Tom said. She looked up, realized where they were standing and took a step back. He dropped his hands to his side.
"Guess I was holding that in."
"This has been… this experience with you has been good in some ways," Tom said. "It's been nice sharing things with you."
"Are you getting sappy on me, Paris?" she asked with a smile.
"Do you trust me?" he asked.
"More than anyone," she admitted. "But I trusted you before I knew your thoughts and feelings."
"I trust you too," he said. "That's what is going to make this work."
She nodded in agreement. He was telling her that he didn't want to dampen anything.
"Fine," she muttered. "I'll deal with the Doctor but I'm going to figure out some way to get you into a sickbay rotation without my own suffering."
"Evil woman," he muttered heading back to the bridge. He knew he was dismissed without her having to say it.
After an hour of her hiding away in her ready room and him being on the bridge, he was beginning to feel the separation. It was getting more difficult to focus. He scooted his chair a few centimeters toward her closed door, hoping that every little bit would help. He was getting far enough from his helm that he had to stretch almost comically to reach the left nacelle control when the door hissed open and she reappeared. She walked over to him and stood with her hand on his shoulder.
Everyone watched curiously. They waited for her to speak to Tom, to anyone, to justify her reappearance on the bridge.
"Any luck?" she asked Harry, finally. He'd been scanning all day.
"No Ma'am," he said. She frowned and wondered how long she could stand next to Tom for no apparent purpose before that vein in Tuvok's head burst. Tom snickered and the hand on his shoulder squeezed in warning. Thankfully they were saved by the shift change, relieving them for lunch.
"I heard Neelix discovered tofu," Tom said to her.
"If I kill you, would I die too?" she asked, stepping onto the turbolift. Harry and Chakotay got on too, leaving the bridge to Tuvok. Harry smiled at Tom who nudged him with his shoulder.
"I'm still me, Harry, relax."
"Okay," Harry said, but didn't look at all relaxed. Chakotay stared stoically at the doors waiting for them to part.
"Let's all eat together," Janeway said. "The four of us."
"Yes Ma'am," Chakotay said and Janeway frowned.
"It wasn't an order," she said. "Merely an invitation."
"What she means to say is, this has been strangely isolating and we need our friends back," Tom said. Harry's eyes widened at his presumptuous words but Janeway touched Harry's arm briefly.
"He does know what I mean," she said. The doors opened and they stepped out to the busy deck. "Come on. Tofu can be delicious."
"Seasoned with Talaxian spices no doubt," Tom muttered. They stood in line and got their trays and Janeway let Chakotay choose the table. He waited for her to sit and then sat next to her. Maybe it was a power play but Tom didn't mind sitting next to Harry or across from the Captain who told him, though not audibly, not to start anything with the fragile Commander.
Tom argued that he wasn't fragile, he just wasn't used to not having her full attention and she told him that Chakotay wasn't four years old and Tom should give him a little credit.
"Tom?"
Harry was talking to him. He looked at Harry's concerned expression and Chakotay's set jaw.
"Sorry, what?"
"I just asked about how you were feeling," Harry said. "Haven't seen you much."
"We're fine," Tom said, not even realizing he was speaking for the both of them. It was hard to think of how he was feeling without taking her into consideration. In a lot of ways, her feelings belonged to him, too.
"The Doctor's report said he gave you something to reduce the effects?" Chakotay probed.
"He did," Janeway said. "But I can't say it helped."
"I'm sure he'd adjust it for you, Captain," Harry said.
"The device works fine," Tom said. "It just makes things feel weird. Like having a hood over our face and trying to go through the day like nothings wrong."
"Well put," Janeway said fondly.
"What did the Doctor say?" Chakotay asked.
"He's still working on it," Janeway said vaguely. She wasn't lying, he was working on procedure to remove the implants but he hadn't been thrilled about their unwillingness to wear his devices. Tom wisely offered none of this information. "You'll be all right without us for the later shift?" she asked Chakotay.
"We're still on light duty," Tom explained.
"Yes, Captain," Chakotay said though he didn't at all seem willing.