Tom was dead. At least, he thought he was. He'd never been dead before so he had no basis of comparison, but there was nothing – no movement, no light, no voice in his head. Kathryn was gone – maybe she was dead too. Maybe he'd find her in the afterlife.
Maybe the afterlife was only this nothingness.
"Wake up, Mr. Paris."
Tom really hoped the Doctor wasn't in the afterlife. If the Doctor was, however, Tom had made one too many mistakes along the way and was now to be punished eternally.
He tried to move and found that he could, slightly, now. He tried to open his eyes and found he could do that too. So not dead, then. Just severely injured. He tried to remember what had happened.
The power relay had overloaded.
"Kathryn?" he asked, coughing. She'd taken the brunt of the trauma and he still couldn't hear her. Was she unconscious?
"Right here, Tom." Her voice was soothing and familiar and he felt her hand on his chest, her palm flat over his heart. He blinked, trying to clear his sight and saw her leaning over him, her brow furrowed with concern.
"I can't… hear you," he said.
"Your little engineering accident solved that particular problem," the Doctor said.
"The implants?" Tom asked.
"The surge short circuited them," Janeway said. "The Doctor removed them both."
"And you're okay?" he asked.
"Just fine," she said. "Been awake for an hour."
"You were a little more difficult," the Doctor said. "The brain is a tricky organ and yours was particularly delicate."
"Take it as a compliment," Janeway said. Tom tried to sit up and she helped him, braced her foot against the base of the bed to offer him some leverage.
"I can't believe a bolt of plasma energy didn't kill us," Tom said, rubbing his head. The implant was in fact missing.
"Oh, it did," the Doctor said. "It completely rebooted your brain. When I revived you, the implant simply did not reactivate. From there, I merely had to remove it."
"It's a lot to take in," Janeway said, noticing how Tom paled a bit at the news of their brief deaths.
"You both need rest," the Doctor said.
"This time, I'm inclined to agree," Tom said. His body felt stiff and sore.
"I'd like to talk to Tom for a few minutes alone," Janeway said.
"Of course, Captain," the Doctor said and went into the Bio Lab to give them some privacy.
"Are you really all right?" Janeway asked, her eyes searching his intently.
"I think so," he said. "I don't know yet."
"What don't you know?" she pressed.
"It's just… I thought I'd be happier when this was all over but now I feel empty, mostly," he said.
"I understand," she said. "Me too. It'll just take getting used too."
"I guess," he said. "What are you thinking right now?"
She smiled.
"I was thinking that there isn't anyone on this ship who knows me better than you do, now," she admitted.
"I guess that goes both ways," he said.
"I guess it does," she whispered. "I know you like old cars, I know you love to laugh and prefer real alcohol to synthetic…"
"Who doesn't?"
"I know you have a good heart and a rocky past and that you're loyal and warm and a fine, fine man." She touched his shoulder, gave it a squeeze.
"Thank you, Kathryn," he said.
"We should get some sleep," she said, taking her hand away. "Should be easier now."
He caught her wrist.
"Don't you want to know what I've learned about you?" he asked. She hesitated, but gave in with a shallow nod.
"You're funny," he said. "You're ambitious and resourceful and have the energy of a teenager."
"You should've seen me as a teenager," she laughed. "I slept three hours a night."
"You love us," he said. "Unconditionally. From the senior officers to the people you rarely interact with, you would die for any of us."
"You could say that of any Captain," she pointed out.
"You love coffee ice cream, you don't really like cheese. You spend far longer on your hair each morning that you'd care to admit, your favorite color is yellow which you're strangely embarrassed about…"
"Officially, it's blue," she said with a lopsided smile.
"And at night, you dream of cornfields," he said. "Running through them."
"All true," she admitted wryly.
"We're friends now, right?" Tom asked.
"Tom, we were always friends," she said.
"Not like this," he said. "I just mean… will you still talk to me now that we're not connected?"
"Hey," she said. "There are other ways to be connected to someone without an invasive implant." He raised his eyebrow. "I didn't mean that!"
"Sure," he grinned.
"What I mean to say is, nothing can take away the experience we've shared," she said.
"Promise?" he asked.
"Cross my heart," she said. She reached out and squeezed his fingers with her own.
oooo
Harry grinned when the Captain came onto the bridge and his smile seemed to double, somehow, when Tom jogged on after her.
"Morning, Harry," Tom said, passing the ops station.
"Morning, Tom," Harry said. "Good morning, Captain."
"Hey, hey, the gangs all here," she said, smiling. "What do you say we try to get back into the swing of things?"
"Sounds good," Harry said.
"How are you feeling?" Chakotay asked, as Janeway sat down in her chair.
"Just fine, thanks," she said.
"No more voices in your head?" he teased.
"The sanatorium said I was all better," she said. Tom chuckled at his station.
"Eavesdropping, Mr. Paris?" Chakotay asked, his tone light but his gaze steady.
"Yes, sir," he said. "Have to do it the old fashioned way." Tom didn't have to share a neural link with Janeway to know there was a smile on her face.
oooo
"So, what are we having for lunch?" Tom asked. He'd caught up with her in the long corridor outside of the mess hall. She'd been thinking about just grabbing something to go and eating in her ready room. With Tom she'd been eating three square meals a day and she wasn't sure how much longer she could take all the food.
"Coffee a la ready room?" she said.
"Points for efficiency but I'm going to have to dock you on nutritional value," he said.
"I am swamped, you know," she said. "And in all seriousness, I'm not sure my waistline can stand your idea of nutritional value."
"Your waistline is lovely," Tom said. "I smelled bread baking earlier. I make a mean sandwich."
"I'll make you a deal," she said. "You round up lunch and meet me in my ready room?"
"Lunch with the Captain in her private ready room?" he asked. "My, I am moving up in the world."
"Don't push it," she said.
"You have a deal. I'll even bring the coffee."
Janeway turned around and headed back for the lift, trying to keep the smile off her face. She thought that the first day after they'd had their minds to themselves she wouldn't have seen Tom at all. Instead, he was doing his best to keep up their routine. Maybe he'd been serious when he'd said he'd wanted to remain a confidant for her. Could she do it? Could she keep a friend on a ship where she was the highest-ranking officer? She had Chakotay, but they never shared a meal or spent time on the holodeck without talking about ship's business. With Tom, everything else just seemed to fade.
She was at her desk when the chime rang.
"Come in, Tom," she called, not taking her eyes off her screen. He didn't mind – just set the tray of food and coffee he had on her coffee table.
"I don't know if we're ever going to get that shuttle off the ground," she said, sighing and looking up.
"Not if it keeps trying to kill us," he said. "Come eat, Captain."
She walked over and sat next to him on the couch. The sandwich did look good and when he poured her a cup of coffee, she felt her mood improve considerably.
"Thanks," she murmured. They ate quietly for a while. He seemed content to sit and watch the stars while she divided her attention between her sandwich and a PADD.
"I was thinking that I could just rebuild the impulse engines," Tom said, finally.
"Could you?" she asked.
"It would take some time and probably more than the Cochran's fair share of energy, but frankly the shuttles could all use a serious overhaul," he said.
"Write me up a proposal, Lieutenant and we'll see," she said.
"Yes, Captain," he said, grinning.
"Tom, I… I wanted to ask you something," she said, her tone changing. He nodded. "Have you spoken with B'Elanna yet?"
His gaze dropped to his lap.
"I'm meeting her tonight," he said.
"And what will you say?" she asked.
"Somehow I have the feeling you know exactly what I'm going to say," he said.
"Perhaps," she said. "But you and B'Elanna are both extremely important to this ship, this crew. I need to know you're going to be able to work together."
"I understand," he said.
"I know you, Tom," she warned. "You can't charm your way out of this one."
"Believe me, if charm was going to work on B'Elanna, we wouldn't be having this conversation," he said.
"I won't be charmed either," she said, suddenly. "It's honesty or nothing with me."
"Understood," he said. "You'll have it."
"Good," she said. "Thank you for lunch."
"Anytime," he said.
"And Tom?" she said. "Let me know how things go this evening. As your friend… not your captain."
"I will," he promised.
oooo
Janeway had been putting off going to bed for almost forty-five minutes. She'd finished a stack of work, she'd disinfected her bathroom, and she'd even reorganized her closet now that Tom wasn't storing a stack of uniforms on one of her shelves. She really thought he would have contacted her by now but she'd heard nothing.
Sighing, and mentally berating herself for even thinking about it, she took off her robe and climbed into bed, turning the lights down. She punched her pillow and tried to find a comfortable spot. The first night with peace and quiet and she'd hardly slept a wink. Now, here she was on night two and sleep was proving just as elusive. Her mind seemed undisciplined with no one around to judge her thoughts and her bed seemed big and empty.
Still, she closed her eyes and took deep breaths. Tom would be on the bridge in the morning and she'd see both him and B'Elanna in the noon senior staff briefing. She'd know soon enough.
Her door chimed. She got out of bed and threw on her robe. She rushed to the door and pressed the button to open it manually. Tom stood on the other side, head hung.
"Hi," she said, sounding breathless. He raised his head and she gasped and stepped aside so he could walk in far enough that the doors closed behind him. He was sporting a serious black eye and it seemed to be darkening in front of her. His eye was nearly swollen shut. "What happened?"
"I got punched in the face," he said.
"Clearly," she said. "I thought you were going to be able to coexist!"
"We will," he said. "We are. Frankly, I deserved this. I'm here to see my friend, not the Captain. I'm not asking you to put her on report."
"If that's what you want," she said. "Come on, sit down. I'll get a dermal regenerator."
"I can go to sickbay in the morning," he said.
"No," she said. "That has to hurt like hell." She got the regenerator out of her bathroom and pushed his shoulder so he sat on the couch. She grabbed his chin to hold his face still and ran the regenerator over his eye. The swelling reduced and the purple faded to a sickening yellow but it had to feel better. "Well," she said. "I'm not a doctor."
"No, it helped," he said.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.
"I was honest. I told her that while I valued her friendship, I wasn't in love with her," he said.
"And then she punched you?" she asked.
"Not yet," he said. "She accused me of lying and called me some choice Klingon insults. I agreed that I should've been more honest from the start and said that I was sorry."
"And then she punched you?"
"No, then she blamed you," Tom said.
"Me?" Janeway asked.
"She blamed my change of heart on the implants and called me a suck up and said that you were blind to all my flaws," Tom said. "I told her that it was nice to have someone believe in me and that I didn't have to constantly prove myself to you. I said that it wasn't your fault I felt the way that I did, but our time together inspired my honesty."
"Oh, Tom, you didn't," she said.
"And then she punched me," he said.
"Well, yeah!" Janeway said, crossing her arms. "Way to drag me into this!"
"You were the one who told me to be honest!" he said.
"But I didn't say to throw me out into space!" she said. "B'Elanna and I have a rocky enough working relationship as is without her thinking that I stole her boyfriend."
"That you what?" Tom said. "I didn't mean to imply… I mean I didn't leave B'Elanna because I wanted… I can't…"
"Tom, Tom," she said. "It's all right. It's fine. We'll just deal with this in the morning."
"Right," he said. "Now if I can find my bed I might just live until then."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"My face wasn't the only thing B'Elanna broke," he said with a self-deprecating chuckle. "My mirror, anything that could be snapped or shattered in my quarters… she had a field day."
"All right," Janeway said. "Let me get your pillow."
"Captain I didn't mean to invite myself," he said.
"You didn't have to, I'm ordering you to stay on my couch tonight. Harry can help you clean up in the morning," she said. She retrieved his pillow and the gray blanket he'd used for the first few nights they'd been roommates. "Go brush your teeth and wash your face," she ordered. "Your toothbrush is still in there."
"Kathryn? Thank you," he said.
"What are friends for?" she asked.
oooo
"It's nearly 0200," Chakotay said. "Don't you have the early shift?"
B'Elanna stood at his door. She was somewhere between anger and disappointment – he'd seen her here before.
"Tom and I broke up," she said, her voice shaking slightly.
"Come in," Chakotay said. Inside, she paced the length of the living room, turning on her heel sharply enough that he worried for his carpet.
"He broke up with me!" she exclaimed. "Can you imagine? He has some nerve, Chakotay."
"You told me two days ago that you knew it wasn't going to last," Chakotay pointed out trying to be helpful.
"This is all her fault," B'Elanna seething, ignoring his last statement.
"Who?"
"Janeway," she spat, as if the name left a foul taste in her mouth.
"Captain Janeway," he corrected. B'Elanna didn't seem to hear him.
"I think reading her mind made him crazy! All of a sudden he wanted to be honest about his feelings. Who does that?" she said, looking up at him, finally expecting a response.
"Tom said he had feelings for the Captain?" Chakotay asked.
"Are you even listening to me?" B'Elanna asked. "He didn't have to say it! Every time he said her name, he got all soft in the eyes. He used to… at least I thought he used to feel that way about me." She sat next to him on the couch with a thump.
"Even if Tom does have romantic feelings toward the Captain, there's no way she returns them," Chakotay said, trying to sound confident.
"She's gotten to you too, hasn't she?" B'Elanna asked. "What's with that woman? Evil succubus."
"All right, I know you're upset, but she's still the Captain. Are we going to have problems?"
"No," B'Elanna said. "I want to get back to the Alpha Quadrant more than I want to sabotage her happiness. Lucky for her."
"Good," Chakotay said. "I think in the morning you'll find you blew these allegations out of proportion."
"Oh yeah?" she said, shooting to her feet. "Computer, Locate Lieutenant Paris."
"Lieutenant Paris is in Captain Janeway's quarters," the computer responded promptly and without emotion.
Chakotay couldn't help letting his mouth fall open.
oooo
"Can I talk to you?" Chakotay said, leaning over the arm of his chair. They were already close, but somehow the acoustics of the bridge made everything easily overheard. He didn't want Tuvok's disapproving glare or Tom's curious over the shoulder glance.
"Sure," she said. "I'm meeting Seven in fifteen minutes so can we make it quick?"
"Of course. I was hoping…" He nodded his head toward her ready room.
"All right. Mr. Tuvok, you have the bridge." In the ready room she stood with her arms crossed.
"Did you hear about Tom and B'Elanna?" he asked, trying to keep it light. Her eyes narrowed slightly – they didn't usually indulge in gossip without a façade.
"She gave him a pretty good shiner," Janeway said. "Personnel is your department, Commander, I'm counting on you to smooth this out."
"Of course," Chakotay said. "Though I have to say, Love Triangles aren't exactly my strong suit. I think I'll be playing this one by ear."
"Triangle?" she asked.
"Well, B'Elanna seems to be under the impression that you are the cause of their break-up," Chakotay said. "Surely Tom told you that."
"Why do you assume Lieutenant Paris told me anything?" she asked.
"He was with you pretty late last night," Chakotay accused.
"Are you checking up on me?" she asked, horrified.
"B'Elanna told me," he said, which wasn't exactly a lie.
"For your information, Commander, Lieutenant Paris spent the night on my couch because our chief engineer demolished his quarters," Janeway said.
"So you're not…?" he said.
"Tom and I are friends," Janeway said. "And not that it's any of your business, but Tom is a good man. He has a good heart and he would never betray anyone by cheating."
"You seem sure about that," Chakotay said.
"Of course I'm sure," she said. "I could read his mind, remember?"
"Right," he said. How could he forget?
"I'm sorry your friend got hurt, Chakotay, but we have too much to do on this ship to deal with bruised feelings and jealousy," she said.
"Seven of Nine to Janeway." She rolled her eyes and tapped her badge.
"Janeway here."
"You are due in Cargo Bay two, did you forget?" Seven said.
"On my way right now, Janeway out," she said and ended the link. "Chakotay, I don't really want to talk about this again. I have faith that Tom and B'Elanna can work out their differences."
"Yes Captain," he said. She paused at the door, just outside of the sensor's reach.
"I think," she said carefully. "I suspect anyway, that this is more about you and me. I don't need this right now, all right?"
She didn't wait for his response.
oooo
She was late to see Seven and thusly was late to Senior Staff. When she rushed into the briefing room, everyone was already in their seats.
"Sorry everyone," she said. "Let's get started. Tuvok, why don't you go first?" She took her seat as Tuvok started to report on the security status. She looked around the room, taking in each strained face. Tom and B'Elanna were pointedly not looking at each other and Chakotay was also avoiding her gaze. When she caught B'Elanna's gaze, B'Elanna looked away quickly, frowning. When she caught Tom's gaze, however, he gave her a small smile. She almost smiled back, but B'Elanna's eyes were burning on her and so she turned back to Tuvok, trying to pay attention.
When everyone was dismissed, Tom hung back a little.
"Something on your mind?" she asked him.
"I just wanted to thank you for letting me crash last night," Tom said.
"Any time," she said.
"I have to admit, I haven't been sleeping well since the implants were removed and it feels odd when you aren't around," he said.
"I know what you mean," she said. "We'll just make an effort to see each other at least once a day off duty, all right?"
"Agreed," he said.
oooo
After her shift, she went to sickbay. It was odd, walking to sickbay without an injury or a summons, but Tom was working there and she wanted to catch him before he got off shift. She wanted to ask his opinion on something.
"Good evening, Captain," the Doctor said. "What's the matter?"
"Nothing, I'm here for Mr. Paris," she said.
"He's in the Bio Lab," the Doctor said. She murmured her thanks and crossed the sickbay.
"Tom?" she called. He appeared from the storage closet.
"You come to spring me?" he asked hopefully.
"You only have seven minutes left," she said.
"And they're seven minutes I'm never getting back," he groaned.
"I have some holodeck time," she said. "I was wondering if you'd come with me?"
"Sure," he said. "We haven't played pool in a while."
"Actually, I had something else in mind," she said.
"I don't care if you want dress me up as Mr. Darcy, get me out of here six minutes early and I'm there."
"Officially, I don't condone this," she said. "Doctor? Do you mind if I take Lieutenant Paris a few minutes early?"
"Can I say no?" the Doctor called.
"Not really," Janeway said.
"Then I'll see you tomorrow, Mr. Paris," the Doctor said. Tom rushed out of the door through the Bio Lab, hoping that Janeway was keeping up because he wasn't waiting around for either of them to change their minds. When he finally looked over his shoulder, several seconds later, she was there.
"So," he said, as if he hadn't just fled sickbay like the place was on fire. "What's the program?"
"Patience," she said. She would tell him, but she was pretty sure he wasn't going to like it and she had her mind set. Outside the holodeck, she used the console to activate the program manually and they entered together.
"NO!" he cried.
"Tom, come on, we had a deal," she said.
"This was underhanded, even for you," he said.
She stood and surveyed the hair salon that was before them.
"Maybe," she agreed. "But it's time. I'm too old for all this hair and I need you to be honest about how it looks before I face the crew."
"Fine," he said. The holographic stylist waved her into the chair and dramatically covered her with a sheet to protect her uniform.
"How short would you like it, Captain Janeway?" the hologram said.
"Short," she said. "Maybe… a bob?" In the mirror, she could see Tom wince but he held his tongue.
"Of course," the stylist said. "Let's go get you washed."
Thirty minutes later, Janeway had lost several inches of hair. She was staring at herself in the mirror shocked.
"Oh my God," she said in a small voice.
"It looks really great," Tom said.
"What did I do?" she asked him, turning her wide eyes to his face.
"Kathryn, it looks fine," he assured her. "I like it!"
"It's so… short," she said.
"The Doctor can always help you grow it back," Tom said. "Remember? Like with Seven?"
"Yes," she said. "Let's go right now."
"Why don't you give it the night," he said. "I think once the shock wears off you'll like it."
"I look old," she groaned.
"Not true," he said. "It's a smart cut. Come on, let's get some dinner. On my rations."
"Why didn't you stop me?" she raved. "You're my guy, Tom, I needed you to be my guy!"
"I'm your guy?" he asked. The stylist who'd been impassively watching this exchange abruptly turned around and walked into the back of the salon where he must've deactivated. They watched him go and then resumed their conversation.
"You're the one who is honest with me, who doesn't stand on ceremony when the truth needs to be told," she said. "Well, you and Seven, but you tend to have a little more tact."
"A little more?" he said, hurt.
"Well."
"You want me to be honest with you?" he asked. She steeled herself and nodded, once. "I was prepared to hate it, but in fact it suits you. There. The truth. You've managed to surprise me once again, Kathryn Janeway."
She turned back to the mirror and studied herself again. She lifted her chin a little and tilted her head. The hologram had cut the bob to follow the lines of her jaw and it did make her look more elegant, somehow, the way a long mane of hair could never accomplish.
"All right," she said. "It stays."
"Come on," he said. "I'm going to replicate us a bottle of wine at the very least."
"You can afford it, too," she said. He managed to blush a bit – apparently she knew about the betting pool concerning Harry and Seven. Harry had been doing his best to avoid the ex-drone but had finally been ordered by Chakotay to work with her and hadn't been able to talk his way out of it. Tom had wisely placed the bet at three and half days and won the pot.
"I'd always planned on sharing it with you," he said. They headed for the door.
"Wait," she said and rushed back to the chair. From the large pile of hair on the floor, she picked out a lock and put it in her pocket. He looked at her oddly. "Something my mother did when I was a child – any time we got a substantial haircut, she kept a lock of it for posterity. I'll save it for her."
"That's sweet," Tom said. "I guess I should get one too, for witnessing the main event."
"I guess you should," she said, leaning over and studying the pile again. She found a lock that was particularly red and retrieved it. He reached out his hand but she didn't give it to him. "All in due time, Mr. Paris."
Since he promised to buy dinner, she followed him dutifully to his quarters. They passed a few crewmen on the way and everyone had smiled at her and two of them had even commented that they liked her hair.
"My quarters are still traumatized," he warned, palming the door open. "I've cleaned up the broken glass and things but… well."
She looked around and noticed what he meant. His desk had been pushed awkwardly against the bulkhead, his chair trapped beneath it. It looked like one of the legs had snapped clean off. She could see through the bathroom where the mirror was missing. In the corner of the room was a pillow with the stuffing spilling out and the dining table was dented on one side.
"How did she even do that?" Janeway asked, running her hand over the indentation.
"I don't know," he said. "I don't think I want to, actually."
"I can't report her myself, Tom, but this kind of destruction should really be noted," she said.
"No. I mean, it was either this or the rest of my face and I think she let me off easy."
Janeway made a disapproving sound low in her throat.
"At first, all that piss and vinegar was exciting but then it was just exhausting. Always defending myself, putting out fires."
"Always negotiating for the upper hand," she murmured.
"Exactly," he said. "No easy rapport."
"Relationships aren't easy," she said. "You have to work for them."
"I understand," he said. "But I also understand the difference between honest hard work and constant triage."
"Touché," she said. "Now, I believe I was promised wine?