I'm doing a sort of weird post-a-thon, to make up for the forthcoming lack of stories. Yes, mein darlings, the dreaded exams are nearly upon us. (Well... actually, they're upon me. Not you. Never mind.)
Point is, my first exam is tomorrow, with the others following in quick succession. Don't expect much writing to be done, yeah?
Crazy Bella is incredibly fun to write... :)
My Dearest, Darling B e l l a.
A Twilight FanFiction
by Becky Scarlett-Cullen
Chapter 3
PREVIOUSLY:
"Hello, Bella…"
Wordlessly, I stared. It couldn't be… that was impossible. I would not, could not allow myself to hope.
Just my imagination again.
I decided to humour it, for once.
"Hey, Alice."
She blinked her huge, golden eyes. Apparently, this was not the reaction that my imagination had been hoping for. I noticed then that she held my letter in her hand. Oh well. I didn't mind. She could keep it. I didn't want it.
It would only hurt me, later.
I tried a smile. It made my cheeks hurt. I think I had forgotten how to. Maybe nonchalance was a good idea. I didn't want to scare this hallucination away, of course. That would be awful.
"What brings you here?"
Pretend-Alice just stared. Briefly, I wondered if this was a completely sane response.
Of course not, my mind reasoned, You haven't been sane since he left.
Oh.
Fair enough.
I tried again. "It's nice to see you."
In one of those blindingly fast, disconcerting movements, she had her stone arms around me, and she was sobbing dryly onto my shoulder.
I was beginning to be rather impressed by my imagination. It was doing a marvellous job of replicating Alice's freezing, smooth skin.
"What's wrong?"
Pretty lame question, really. But I had to say something. Hesitantly, I wrapped my own rather soft, warm arms around her tiny body.
"Alice?"
"B-Bella! I r-read your n-note and—oh! It was s-so s-s-sad. B-Bella, I'm s-sorry. We should n-never have l-left you… I didn't w-want to, b-but Ed—"
I cut her off abruptly. His name was not something I wanted to hear. "Why are you sorry? It wasn't your fault."
"I s-should have s-said s-something. I should have s-seen what this w-would d-do to y-you! It wasn't f-fair, Bella… I m-missed you so much, but h-he said t-that we weren't to i-i-interfere…"
Wait, she missed me?
"Wait, you missed me?"
She looked up at me with those wide, golden eyes, looking confused. "Of c-course, Bella! I—"
I cut her off again. "You left, Alice. You and Carlisle and Esme and, and… everyone.I knew it would happen of course, I expected it. But it hurt. More than I thought it would. It still does. In fact this…" I gestured at her, "Will hurt me a lot more. Later, when my mind has stopped playing tricks on me, and my hallucinations stop."
Alice stared. "You think I'm… a hallucination?"
I smiled, pleased by my mind's ability to accept this. Quick, as well as very, very imaginative. Impressive. "Yep."
She looked hurt, but I couldn't imagine why. "Bella, do you truly believe that?"
I considered this, for a moment. "Pretty much, yeah."
Alice was stricken. "What has he done? What has he done to you?"
I tried a smile. I didn't want her to be sad. "Nothing. He doesn't love me, I understand. I knew he was too good to be true, anyways."
Wordlessly, Alice pulled a piece of paper from the pocket of her—probably very expensive—jacket. She held it out to me, and I could not help myself. I took it.
Opening the crumpled paper, a smoothed it out, and began to read…
My dearest, darling Bella. Lucky girl, whoever she was. Couldn't be me.
Firstly, my love, I must apologise. A thousand times, a million times over. If I was not damned before, then I certainly am now, for causing distress to an angel such as you. That's alright, I don't mind. It was worth it to be with you.
Please, know that my intentions were only ever to keep you safe. I am a good liar; I have to be. You always were, even right at the beginning. I'm glad that's working out for you. I cannot begin to imagine what I was thinking, at the time. It was insanity, utter falsehood. I could never live without you, my love, My love?! and now… well, now it is too late. I fear I have lost you forever. Forever is an awfully long time…
Not that I do not deserve it. I never was worthy of you, I know that. You don't see yourself very clearly… you never did. You are perfect, perfect in every way imaginable. Compared to you—perfection, personified? How could I be anything but ugly? Do you remember that day, in the restaurant? No—before that, even. When I held you in my arms for the first time, after Crowley almost crushed you, knowing that you fit there. That you—an angel-- was destined for me. It was a far greater privilege than I could ever have dreamed. The privilege was mine, though…
It was so cruel of me, to lie to you in that way. Not cruel. Kind, I think. I realise now that I could never have you, because you were so much more that I. I had to realise that, sooner or later—a clean break was what I needed. But, after the thousands of times I told you that I loved you, I did not imagine how easy it would be to convince you otherwise. I had thought that I would have to lie to you for hours. That dead look n your beautiful eyes will haunt me forever. It caused my dead heart to shatter, and I will never forgive myself. I've already forgiven you, in my own way.
I love you, my darling. I would do anything to go back, and change things. If I could, I would. No matter the cost. I love you too. But you don't have to lie to me…
I watch you, while you sleep, though I dare not enter the room, as I once did. I hear your screams, and they cause my immortal body excruciating pain. I wish that I could reach you, hold you tightly to me, as if I had never left. Go on, then. Please.
But I know that you are trying to move on. I understand. It is exactly what I intended you to do, though Jacob Black would not have been my first choice. Jake? No, no… it's not like that. Not for me. For him, maybe… but it's not the same.
But your safety, your well-being, is far higher up the list of priorities than my own, selfish happiness. I will not endanger your life again, Bella. If you were killed then there would be no point in living myself. That's ridiculous. Who do you think you are, Romeo? It's not like that any more—you left me, remember? You don't love me. You don't want me. It's okay, I understand. You have made far too great an impact on my existence to merely move on, as you believe I have. As I will believe until you tell me otherwise.
Distractions were not enough. They never were, and they never will be. Maybe you just didn't try hard enough…
I love you, my Bella, although you think otherwise. I always will, until I am killed, or you are. Perhaps we will be reunited in death. I will watch you, in heaven, from the darkest pits of Hell, and I shall be satisfied. As if Hell would allow an angel to enter—never!
Yours, forever. For eternity--literally. As I am yours.
Edward.
I looked up after I had finished reading, with a bemused smile on my face. "It's actually nice to know that I am such an optimist, you know?"
Alice raised a perfectly-sculpted eyebrow.
"I don't think that was entirely the point that he was trying to get across, Bella."
I turned away from her, eyes tracing the words again. I didn't want her to see me cry.
"You mean, my mind was? It's okay, honestly. I know he doesn't want me. That's what he told me. I'll probably never accept that, but I can't do anything else, can I? I love him. I love him… I love him."
And then, an intake of unnecessary breath. Alice. I turned around to check she was alright, but my eyes were distracted when they swept past the empty space in front of my window.
At least, it had been empty. Before.
Now, it was occupied—and a better waste of space, I had never come across.
He looked tired—an impossibility, of course. His bronze hair was windswept and dishevelled, just the way I liked it. His eyes were dark, the bruise-like shadows underneath them obvious.
Edward.