A/N: So, as promised, here's Chapter Five: The Gag Reel. When I write, I write all the dialogue first and then go back and fill in the rest. But for funsies, I asked my roommate to do it, even though she knew little about my story. These are the hilarious results. All the dialogue is the same as Chapter Five, but everything else is oh so different :) I hope you enjoy! I think she did a fantabulent job! But just a little warning, this chapter could very well fall into the "Crack!" category...haha

Chapter Five (3rd person POV)

"What in the name of all things holy happened to you?" asked James incredulously.

"Shut up." She looked like a hot mess, not in a good way, and that never had a good effect on her temperament.

"You look like were hit by a truck. As a human." He said this through a snoruckle, which is an unfortunate combination of a snort and chuckle. Or would it be a chort?

"You know, you're really lucky the Cullens know who you are, otherwise, you'd be the one having to put up with them and all their 'togetherness' shit. I swear it's like I stepped into an episode of Barney or something. If I hear one more thing about how 'there' for each other they all are, I'm absolutely going to lose it. It's revolting."

Again he was staring at her blankly. As if she had a leprechaun on her head that was right smack dab in the middle of giving birth to a herd of giraffe.

"What?"

"You mean you didn't actually lose it yet?" Again, incredulous.

"What are you, dense? Of course I didn't. Some of us actually have some self-control."

"You didn't harm the girl at all? Not even a little?"

"No. I told you I'd be able to resist, and I did." Angry and annoyed further by his disbelief she growled this statement like a woman in labor whose husband insists that the time he got a paper cut was worse.

He heard her growl but saw it as a game and thusly decided to provoke her further. "I'm not sure I can believe you, especially with such high stakes as the ones we laid out. And besides, the fact that your clothes are drenched in blood tells a different story than the one you're spinning." Was there spinning in Rumpelstiltskin? I think so. Wiki says that the name Rumpelstilzchen in German means literally "little rattle stilt". A rumpelstilt or rumpelstilz was the name of a type of goblin, also called a pophart or poppart that makes noises by rattling posts and rapping on planks.

"Take a whiff." She said offering a variety of body parts in a dance not unlike the hokey pokey. She put her right hand in, she took her right hand out, all that good stuff.

"That is absolutely vile." He said this referring to both the dance and the rank off her sleeve.

"Smell like the girl's blood to you?"

"Obviously not. What is it?"

"Deer." What did he think it was? Yeti?

"Why?"

"Well, I had to tell them something, didn't I? I wasn't about to show up on their doorstep, unannounced, and expect them to welcome me with open arms and without question. So I told them I was interested in learning about their 'vegetarian' lifestyle. But unfortunately, that meant them taking me out to the woods to hunt deer."

"Did the deer win?" He was laughing so hard he fell down and started sliding down a hill. For a vampire with awesome senses he didn't seem to notice he displacement.

"What are you talking about?"

"I repeat, 'you look like you've been hit by a truck.'" He jumped back into postion and picked a twig out of her hair that was almost large enough to be construed as a stick, or better yet an antler.

"Yeah, that'd be a prime example of the Cullens being 'there' for each other. The girl was stressing out over the images I planted in the seer's head, so the two young males in the family took her out for a joyride on these death machines. I had to go along in order to keep up appearances. And once he found out I had never ridden one before, the large one took great delight in making my ride as 'enjoyable' as possible." Those cats were dangerously cute after all but not as dangerous as the ride on that contraption.

"And was it?"

"Does this look enjoyable to you? I swear there wasn't a single hill he didn't fly off of, any tree branches he didn't barrel through and any mud puddles he didn't drive over. And then of course, there was the deer hunt. Even though I'm never one to shy away from a challenge, I can't say that I liked the fact that I had to chase my meal through the woods. Even when I thought I had it, the damn thing would dart out of my grasp and I'd have to start the whole process over again. It was exhausting, and let me tell you, dirty is not a good look for me."

"Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. I think you look quite ravishing."

"Yeah, that's right. Laugh it up. But of course you know what this means, don't you, James?"

"That you are sleeping the hell away from me because you smell absolutely revolting." He pinched his nose in a further attempt, failed, attempt to be humorous.

"Actually, luckily for you, it means quite the opposite." This is getting eyebrow waggling good.

"Continue." He said while waggling his eyebrows the way you would expect someone to when they are pretending to not know when someone is talking about sex.

"It means that I have not killed the human and therefore, have won our bet."

"So I get to be at your beck-and-call whenever you want. Right. Lucky me." We hope he isn't really this stupid but he, the poor vampire has no blood flow to his brain, what can we do?

"Cheer up, James. You have to look on the bright side."

"I doubt there's a bright side to being your slave."Still eyebrow waggling.

"I don't think you're realizing all the possibilities." She slips off her sweater because it was nasty and so was she.

"I don't think you could be any more cryptic." Unless of course she was an Egyptian transcript and he was a two year old.

"You see, in a way, you've also won." She pushes him up against a tree and knocked down half the forest in a dominos fashion.

"Unbelievable! You've done it! You were more cryptic." - this is sarcasm?!

"This is going to be so much fun." Said she as she tied his arms around the tree with sweater.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Does she know I have awesome strength?

"Take it easy, James. It's like Emmett told me before we went out on those bikes: just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride." He doesn't know that this sweater isn't cotton! He is forever my prisoner! Mwahahaha.

This is where the gratuitous sex scene happens. It was so awesome that unicorns were blinded, mostly though because their phallic symbols could not stand up to the power and strength of a woman/vampire/dead person who is manipulating a man/vampire/dead person with sex. All that unicorn horn and men being superior was just a dudes way of feeling better.

"Well, I can't say I was expecting that. But you were wrong earlier. Dirty is a good look for you."

Because they were now covered in mud, soot (from the fire they started with the friction from their stone bodies) and bird poo (from the pigeon tourists from New York who thought they were action art, and we all know pigeons hate art.)

"You're complaining?"

"I didn't say that." Because it was awesome!

"That's what I thought. No one ever resists me."

"Cocky much?" That's what she would normally say so it is ironic that he said it because no, in fact she is not THAT well endowed. Or is she?

"No, it's just a statement of fact. I know what I want and I do whatever it takes to get it." Phew, she isn't that well endowed.

"And you wanted me?"

"Not exactly. I just wanted someone I could have a little fun with without…hurting. You were the best candidate for the job."

"Thanks."

"What?"

"You could've have lied a little? Telling someone he was 'the best candidate for the job' is not exactly what guys like to hear after sex."

"Aww, poor little James! Did I hurt your fragile male ego?"

"No."

"Liar. Do you want me to kiss it and make it better?"

"Hey, hey, hey. Down girl. Put some ice on it for a minute. Don't you think we should talk?"

"Talk? You really are the girl in this relationship, aren't you? Well actually I HAVE been meaning to ask you something. How is it we can have sex if you have no or very little blood?"

Ignoring her question but he made a note that he should ask Carlisle next time they were about to show down… He needed the sex talk. "Don't get me wrong, as much as I love being used as one of your play things, I think that now that you're in with the girl, we should strike and strike fast. Why waste any time?"

"Says the guy who spent a year wallowing in self-loathing in Brazil while he waited to take action."

"That was before I had you to teach me any better."

"I figured you would be a quick learner."

"Impressed?"

"No."

"Liar."

"Hmm. I take that back. You're a very quick learner."

"So what's the next step in your fantastically evil plan?" More sex?

"That's the easiest part. I simply take Bella for a little 'nature walk' in the woods. Edward will come rushing to her rescue and BAM! We finish them both."

"You never did tell me exactly why you have it in for our poor little Romeo."

"I didn't?"

"No. All you told me that you met him in Italy about a year ago and that the rest was a story for another time. Don't you think now's the time?"

The fact that she was hesitant in answering was worrying to him. Inconceivable as it was.

"Rhiannon, what happened in Italy? He didn't…he didn't hurt you did he?"

"Saint Edward? Oh God, no. At least not in the sense you're implying."

"Well, what then?"

"You know, I'll never forget that first time I saw him. It was like seeing an anjo- an angel. If I had had a beating heart, it would have stopped. He was devastatingly beautiful."

James snorts

"Hey, don't judge."

"I wasn't judging." Except he was. That damn Edward was always stealing his girls.

"You so were. And if you want to hear the rest of this story, I'd keep your comments to yourself."

"I didn't say anything!"

"Surely you're aware you say a lot when you don't say anything."

"What?" That was a stupid statement.

"You have a very expressive face, James. Your expressions are worth a thousand words."

"I thought that was a picture." (That's what I thought)

"Do you want to hear the rest of this or not?"

"By all means, continue."

"I'm serious. You have to keep your mouth shut."

"Are you gonna make me?"

"Don't tempt me."

"What if I want you to shut me up?"

"Look, you're the one who said he wanted to talk."

"Can't a guy change his mind?" Actually on a biological level, at least when he was alive for realsies his body would always want to mate. After all, of all the primates, humans are the only ones who mate face to face, but that is because they are the only ones who stand upright. Like other primates though the size of the package (not of the specific person but of the species) relates the promiscuity of the males. Chimps for example are very well endowed but the males are ladies men… um chimps, and gorillas are a quarter of the size of the average human but they mate for life. Also as a side note humans are one of the only species that don't have an actual bone in their… ermm… "Throbbing member." But I digress.

"He could, but not if he wants to hear the rest of this story because I'm thinking that I'll only be willing to tell it right now, at this very moment."

"Tease."

"Take it or leave it."

"Fine. I'll take it. Go on with the story."

"If you insist. He wasn't drop dead gorgeous, at least not in a feral sense of the word. He was so much more than that. He was captivating, mysterious, intoxicating. And he was beautiful. It's almost indescribable. The attraction was instantaneous. I couldn't help but be drawn to him. It was like a moth to a flame. I just couldn't take my eyes off of him. I wanted him. I needed him."

James tried to hide his gag reflexs.

"I watched him for a few days, plotting my next move. And the more I watched, the more intrigued I became. He was always alone, just aimlessly wandering. It was as if he was psychically there, but not mentally. His golden eyes were empty. He looked broken."

"And you wanted to fix him? How very cliché of you, Rhiannon."

"Just look at the man. Who could blame me?"

"I thought you of all people would have higher standards than that pathetic excuse for a vampire. He's weak, too emotional."

"For the love of God, James, I am a female."

"And?"

"And you have to forget your male-driven, fact-based logic for a minute here and look at things from a woman's point of view.

He said this next part expecting to get into trouble but he couldn't resist. "If I were a woman I would want to be in my pants again."

FIN.