The Cry of Cicadas

Part Two: Decisions

Rehabilitation. It's something some liberal asshole created in order to help criminals and junkies feel accepted again. Just the thought of it was enough to make me want to vomit again. I didn't want to be lumped in with all those rejects. The argument (if it could be called that) with my Dad ended in me being trapped in my sister's room. Dad said he figured that I had more drugs in my room so I wasn't going to be allowed back in there until he found all of it.

I was alone. Sayu wasn't allowed to talk to me. I doubted she wanted to anyway. One would think that in my situation, I'd search through her stuff for any signs that she was being rebellious too. It was quite the contrary though; I just laid on her bed and stared at the ceiling. I was too exhausted to even get up. I hadn't gotten a hit. All I could think about was how much I needed it. It made me feel alive. It gave me energy. Without it I was nothing but an empty shell; a soulless body. I would give anything to feel it shoot up my nose…to feel it course through my body. I wanted a rush.

No. I squeezed my eyes shut, as if I was trying to squeeze the thoughts I was having out of my head. I didn't want to think about it but it just kept coming back again and again. Pangs of that painful desire shot through my body. I groaned and rolled onto my side. There had to be some way to put myself at ease. All I wanted to do was to get those thoughts away. I just did not want to be reminded of my addiction for once. As I opened my eyes and looked around the room, my mind was flooded with memories of what life was like before I became an addict.

Our family had been a normal, happy one. Yeah, we had our squabbles but they never lasted very long. Dad liked his job and Mom was happy just being a house wife. Sayu used to ask me for help on her homework. I wondered how much things were going to change because of me. Would my parents blame themselves for my stupidity? It really had nothing to do with them. It had been my choice to start snorting crack.

For once, I'd made a bad decision. My desire to be successful had been crushed by my desire to escape reality. As I lay on my sister's bed, I began to ask myself if reality really was so terrible.

I may have been sick and going through all the usual withdrawal symptoms, but even I knew the correct answer to that question.

No.

No, reality was not terrible. I was not a bad-off teenager in need of attention. I had all the love I should of from my parents and my sister. We had everything we could ever want. Then why did I feel the need to start using that stuff? All it did was ruin my life.

As a scared teenager, I thought my parents would never look at me with loving eyes again.

By unknown circumstances, I was able to fall asleep that night. It was probably because I had been so exhausted from the start and once the adrenaline that had built up during my confrontations with Sayu and my Dad wore off, I was out. If I had any dreams that night, I don't remember them. It was like I fell into a black void and for a little while, everything was peaceful.

Until six o'clock in the morning came around, that is. Dad burst into Sayu's room and barked at me to get up, that it was time to go down to the police station. His words did not really sink in as I pushed myself up. It did not take long for the memories of the previous night to come flooding back though. I was being forced to turn myself in. My stomach was doing back flips as I got to my feet. Would I have to go to prison? That was the most likely answer in my mind. Most drug users got sent to jail or had to do some kind of community service. By this point, my fate was no longer in my hands. The police would probably decide what was going to happen to me.

Dad still did not let me back into my room so I had to wear the clothes I'd worn the day before. It was a little irritating but it was only a small problem so I didn't complain. I followed him down the stairs and into the kitchen, where Mom was making breakfast for Sayu before she went off to school. I just stood at the entrance to the kitchen while I watched the rest of my family interact. Sayu was talking to Mom about a math test she was going to have that day. It was hard for me to listen to her; I used to help her with her math and here she was, saying she'd been having trouble with it lately. If I had not been so caught up in my own problem, I could've helped her.

Luckily (or was it really luck, since I was about to go to the police?) Dad put down the cup of coffee Mom had given him and turned his attention back to me. "It's time to go, Raito," he said. He sounded tired. I assumed he'd stayed up for a long time, discussing what to do with me with my mother. I was relieved that I did not have to hear that conversation.

Numbly, I followed Dad out of the house. Mom and Sayu were still talking, but something about their words seemed forced. It was like they were trying to convince themselves that everything was still normal…that nothing had changed.

As painful as it was to realize that they were ignoring the situation, I was trying to put them out of my mind as well. I didn't know when I would get to see them again so I did not want to think about them. Even in my condition, I suppose I was still concerned about my family. That was one thing that was never going to change. They had been supportive of me for so long yet I had the nerve to destroy everything they had taught me.

But let me get back to the story. I certainly wasn't thinking about ways to ask my parents' forgiveness as my father forced me into a taxi. The driver watched us curiously through the rear-view mirror. His eyes met mine for a second but quickly darted away. He was nervous, which was not much of a surprise; Dad shoved me into the car and told me to stay quiet. I stole a quick glance at him. With his arms firmly crossed and his jaw set, he was definitely not ready for any more arguing. Even I was smart enough to shut up.

The drive to the police station was done in an awkward silence. Only the soft jazz on the radio drifted through the ridiculously clean car. I stared down at the mat on the floor, trying to imagine what was going to happen. My mouth was dry and my insides felt like they were trying to rearrange themselves. In my mind, I was trying to come up with ways to explain to the cops what I'd been doing for the past two years without getting myself in too much trouble.

If I lied though, then I'd really put myself in deep. The truth would probably be better, I figured, considering my circumstances. I'd never actually sold any drugs; I just used them. Addicts and dealers were treated differently by the authorities, so maybe I would get off lucky and just have to go on some sort of probation.

Time for thinking abruptly came to an end. The taxi came to a halt right in front of the police station. As my father paid the driver, I stared out the window with wide eyes. My heart was thumping so quickly I felt like I might just die of a heart attack right then. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

Dad got out and went around to open my door. I clambered onto the sidewalk and immediately stumbled. Naturally, I was incredibly nervous and lightheaded from lack of any substantial food. Of course Dad had no patience for my antics; he grabbed me roughly by the arm and dragged me up the stairs. The concrete beneath me looked unusually white, almost like marble. For some reason, I wondered if that was what it'd be like when I die and go to get judged. But then I reminded myself that I was not much of a religious man…and that the very thought that God would have to make up his mind about me was completely stupid.

Ironically enough, my father worked quite often with the police…so he took me right to one who just happened to be a close friend of his; Matsuda.

Matsuda was one of the younger officers but he was just as strict as the rest of them. Regardless of that, as soon as he saw us, he said a happy hello and asked what we needed help with.

I laughed. Help? Don't even start with that…

"Raito, tell him what you've been doing," Dad said softly. The revelation to him about my addiction seemed to have taken a lot out of him, despite the fact he'd just been dragging me around. Now that he did not have to keep a hold of me, his shoulders were sagging and he was slouching more than he did regularly.

Confused, Matsuda quirked an eyebrow and glanced at me. "What's going on?" he asked, an uncertain tone in his voice. Of all the people to bring me to, it had to be him. Before the drug fiasco, Matsuda had said that I would make a fine officer or something else of that sort. Once I confessed to him, he would be forced to eat his words. Maybe he would pretend I did not exist anymore, like Mom and Sayu were doing when I left that morning.

Nervously, I swallowed, although there was nothing in my mouth to swallow, so instead that just created a sickening feeling in my stomach. Even as I began to speak, I could not bring myself to look at Matsuda or my father. "Er…Well…it's kind of complicated, but it started two years ago," I said, my words coming out in a garbled mess, "I uh…started using drugs." In any other case, I could've lied so smoothly that Matsuda and my father would've believed whatever I'd said…But ever since the previous night, my life had been turned upside down.

Both Matsuda and my father were surprised by that statement. After all, Dad had not asked me how long I'd been using, so that was a shock for him too. I could feel both of them staring at me.

"Two years? Raito, why on earth did you start doing such a thing?" Matsuda asked finally, breaking the heavy silence that had fallen between the three of us. His words were slow and hesitant. Perhaps he was having as hard of a time as my father was swallowing all of this information.

If I told him the truth, that I just wanted to have a little fun every once in a while, he would have thought I was an idiot. After all, a first class student should know better than to get wrapped up in cocaine. The first time I'd tried it, I did not think about the consequences that would follow. I knew it was addicting but some how I thought that I'd be able to just use it when I felt like it. The thought that I would FEEL like using it ALL the time afterward never crossed my mind. To avoid embarrassment, I chose a different route. It was a white lie, so in some ways, I suppose it was true.

I tore my gaze away from the floor and met Matsuda's surprised gaze. "I…With all the stress put on me from school, I thought it'd be a good way to relax," I said, "It was foolish of me not to think of what would happen if I got caught…" So it was not a complete lie…Though school had never really stressed me out, I'd been so bored with it that I needed some form of excitement. It had just happened to come in the form of a drug.

As I spoke, one of the disgusting side-effects of snorting cocaine began to kick in. It was happening at least once a day, usually in the mornings…Nosebleeds. I could feel the blood seeping down, out of my nostrils. It was not what I'd wanted to happen at all but I could do nothing to prevent it. I covered the lower part of my face with my hand. Matsuda, however, knew what was going on and handed me some tissue that he'd taken from a dispenser on his desk. Once again, I could not look at him or my father. What was left of my pride and dignity would not allow it.

"Obviously you're in really deep," Matsuda said with a soft sigh, "So I can only offer you two options…"

"Raito can't decide on his own," Dad interrupted, "I'm sure you won't leave it up to him." I glared at him; how dare he assume I was not old enough to make my own choices. Sure, I'd made some stupid decisions in the past, but I was ready to get better. Did he honestly think I'd decide to just go to jail and give up on everything I'd worked so hard on? It made me angry and upset to hear that he had so little faith in me anymore.

Matsuda gave a short nod. "Of course, Yagami-san, you will have a say in what happens to him," he replied, "But Raito is eighteen and is an adult now so he will not be treated as a minor." It was strange to see Matsuda being so serious. The times he had come to our house, he had always been a very cheerful man…But it was because of the situation that he was being different. I really did not like to see this side of him. Still, at least he was treating me like the young adult I was and not some sniveling child.

Dad could hardly argue with that, so he remained silent. I turned my attention from him back to Matsuda and tried my best to stop the nosebleed. "Go on, Matsuda-san," I said, my voice a bit muffled by the tissue and my hand.

"Well, Raito, since you are an addict and you have not confessed to ever taking part in trafficking—"

"I've never done that."

He gave me a small smile that told me that he figured as much. "You have two choices; you can either go to jail for three years or you can take part in Drug Court," he finished. Out of the two, the court deal did not sound too terrible, although I did not know all of what it entailed. Going to prison for three years was hardly something I wanted to do though, so I practically already made up my mind to attend the court, whatever it was.

"What would he be doing in the Drug Court?" Dad asked. Apparently, he felt the same way I did. That was a change.

Matsuda seemed relieved that he was asking about that. I supposed it was the lesser of two evils. "It's a rehabilitation program that we set up with the help of most of the hospitals here in Tokyo," he explained, "So far, seventy percent of all patients came out clean and have stayed clean since their release. In a way, it's like probation, but the patients are not allowed to return to their homes and are kept together…Um, I guess it's like going to therapy, but they do have to meet with a judge once a week and take drug tests frequently…That's because if they do use a controlled substance during their time there, they are thrown out of the program and get sent to jail." He said all of this fairly quickly, but it was easy enough to take in. Really, it did not sound too hard. Just go through the program, leave, and I could go back to how I'd been if I wanted to. If I'd been able to keep it a secret for so long, how hard could it be to do it again?

Dad looked over at me with a calm expression. I could see a desperate look in his eyes; I knew which one he wanted me to pick. "I'll try the court then. I'm sure it'll work for me," I said simply. In my mind, I thought rehabilitation was a joke. Even if so many of their "patients" said that it was such a wonderful program, I bet they all got the itch to use again once they were released.

No one is ever really free from an addiction; it follows them everywhere like a shadow.

(Author's Note: Ok, so I lied. L did not show up in this chapter. Good thing too; it would've been so rushed if he showed up here. Anyway, he WILL be appearing in chapter three! Hope everyone likes it! . Thanks for reading!)