Notes on an Aftermath
Chapter Thirteen: Closure
Chester knocks on the door to Olivia's apartment.
"Liv!" He calls through.
Olivia had called him, and the moment she told him what was happening, his heart broke. Now they've really lost everything. Casey's pregnancy had been the only bright spot in their situation, something to look forward to, and now their baby is gone. He blames himself because he's caused Casey so much pain and frustration, and that ultimately affected her pregnancy.
"Liv!" He calls through again, then he sighs as he runs his hand over his face.
Olivia opens up the door, a solemn look on her face, and tears glistening in her eyes.
"Come in," she says and Chester steps in.
"Where's Case?" He asks. "Is she okay?"
Olivia puts her hands on his shoulders.
"Chester," she begins. "She's fine, she's in the tub right now. I ran a bath for her and I just got her to calm down, so you can't go in there upset yourself. I called the hospital, and they said that she should go in and have an exam to make sure that her body terminated all of the baby. The bleeding stopped, but she's still cramping."
He closes his eyes. "God…this is my fault. We wanted the baby so much…"
"This isn't your fault," Olivia insists. "Just…support her right now."
He nods then he goes down the hall to the bathroom and he knocks on the door then he opens it, coming in. He sees Casey sitting in the tub, her knees drawn up to her chest and her head resting upon them, turned to the tiled wall. He approaches her slowly.
"Casey?"
"I don't want you here," she says, not facing him.
"Sweetie, I-I'm sorry-"
She sits up, crying. "Goddammit Chester if you say you're sorry one more time I'll fucking scream!"
"I never thought we'd lose the baby," he says, remaining patient with her. "I wanted us to be a family…"
"Stop it," she says stubbornly.
"I wanted to be a father," he says. "I never meant to hurt you, and-"
"Stop it!" She yells at him. "Just stop it! There is absolutely nothing that you can say to me right now that would make me feel better!"
He sighs. "We have to get through this together."
"What together?" She asks angrily. "We're not together anymore, Chester. God…you're just like him…"
"Who?"
Casey sobs and covers her face.
"You're just like him," she laments through her tears. "You're just like Charlie. I thought that I'd found the love of my life, but then it just turned into a total nightmare from hell. He loved me, then he hurt me, then loved me again…and I wish I could say that I want something different than I wanted twelve years ago, and I wish I could say that I've learned from the mistakes I made, but I haven't. My mistake is wanting a constant in my life, wanting someone to love me all the time and love me enough to try not to hurt me and to be by my side through everything and to hold me…"
She sniffles and wipes her tears.
"But why should I expect anything better from you? Or any man for that matter?" She asks bitterly. "So you can leave now. I don't want you here."
"Casey, I'm not giving up on us," he says firmly. "I love you too much to just let you go like this."
"Okay, maybe I wasn't clear enough," she hisses, tears streaming down her face. "I don't want to be with you anymore. It's over, Chester. We. Are. Done. Now get out."
He gently touches her shoulder, but she pulls away.
"Don't touch me," she cries. "Just go home, and leave me alone."
Chester sighs. "I wish that I can take everything back and be the man that you wanted and needed me to be for you. You're absolutely right, you needed me just like I needed you, and it was unfair of me to expect you to understand why I did the things I did, which were the biggest mistakes of my life. It was completely unfair of me to think leaving you alone was the best thing for us. I should have been there for you every step of the way, I should have been with you when you found out you were pregnant with our baby…"
He pauses and he looks into her eyes, which were pale green, and she had circles around them from just pure exhaustion.
"I'm here now," he continues as he steps back. "And I'm on my knees-"
"I'm in a bathtub, Chester," she hisses. "What the hell?"
He gives her a harsh, scathing look, and she immediately deflates. He's given her that look before and it reminds her of her father, so she shuts her mouth.
"Would you stop being so stubborn and mean spirited for one minute? Can I finish what I want to say to you?"
"Okay," she relents.
"I'm begging you for forgiveness," he says. "For all of the things I've done. You are the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with, from the moment I met you, I knew. I want you in my life, I want to marry you, I want to make a family with you…I love you so much, Casey. Will you please forgive me?"
She begins to cry again and she shakes her head.
"I can't right now," she sniffles. "I can't forgive you."
Chester swallows thickly. "I understand…"
"But that doesn't mean that I don't love you anymore," she explains tearfully. "I do love you. I love you so much, Chester…but right now, it hurts. It really hurts to love you, and it shouldn't. Despite what people may think, it shouldn't hurt to love someone. Love shouldn't cause people pain, and it shouldn't make them sad. There's ups and downs, and painful times, bad times…but it shouldn't be because of love. Love should be safe, and it should be the only thing that will make things better. So I do love you, but it's taken too much out of me, out of both of us and I can't be in a relationship like that. I need to feel safe, Chester. I need time, Chester, and I'm asking you to give me that. Please?"
He nods. "I will."
She rests her head back onto her knees, closing her eyes.
"Now will you please go?"
"Alright sweetie," he says quietly as he gets up. He goes over to her and he smoothes over her hair. "No matter what you decide, just know that I love you and I never meant to hurt you. Right now, just take care of yourself, okay? If you need anything, don't be afraid to call me."
She nods.
With that he heads out.
He goes out of the bathroom and closes the door behind him gently.
Olivia and Dean are sitting at the table in the dining room, having a cup of coffee.
She gets up and goes over to Chester.
"Are you okay?"
He nods. "She needs some time. We both need some time away from each other. I've hurt her too much, Liv. She deserves better."
He walks out of the apartment and closes the door.
Dean gets up from the table and he puts his hands on Olivia's shoulders.
"You okay?" He asks.
"I'm fine," she sighs. "I just…Casey's my friend. I've seen her hurt before, but not like this."
She turns to him. "I don't even know what to say to her…I can't imagine losing a child like that. She's already so hard on herself about everything else…"
"Liv," he says, gently putting his hands on her cheeks. "The words will come to you, honey. You're good with people because you have a heart for them. You and Casey are friends, I'm sure she'll receive any comforting words you give her."
Olivia grins slightly then she leans up and kisses him softly.
He looks at his watch. "It's almost five AM. You want some breakfast?"
"Yeah," Olivia says. "Let me get Casey situated and maybe she'll be up to eating."
Dean goes into the kitchen and Olivia goes down the hallway and into the bathroom.
Casey opens her eyes and she lifts her head.
"Did he leave?" She asks.
Olivia comes over and sits on the toilet seat. "Yeah."
Casey begins to cry again. "I am so sick and tired of putting my heart, time, and energy into relationships because if it's always going to be like this, then what's the point? Why should I even bother? This all hurts so much, and at least I'm at a point in my life where I can handle it. When I broke up with Charlie, I had just turned twenty four…I was a wreck. It all hurt so badly because I trusted him, I gave him my love, my virginity, four years of my life…but he didn't love me enough to get help. Every man in my life has managed to chip away at my heart and I don't want to go through that again."
"Casey, you shouldn't make Chester pay for another man's mistakes," Olivia says.
"Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?" Casey frowns.
"Yes, it is," Olivia nods. "I admit, I haven't been following my own advice, but that doesn't make it any less true."
"He asked me to forgive him…how can he ask me that after I just lost my baby, after everything that's happened?"
Olivia sighs. "Sweets, you've got to realize that you're not the only one who lost your baby. Chester lost his baby too. And the whole situation with the trial and everything else didn't just happen to you, it happened to him too."
"I know," Casey says quietly. "I just can't get through this with an unstable relationship."
Olivia crosses her arms over her chest. "How do you plan on getting through it?"
Casey sighs. "There's a support group at my parish…St. Brigid's Circle. She's the patron saint of babies. St. Edward the Confessor is a mostly Irish and Irish-American parish, so kids are a vital part of life and the community. I've never been…I guess I'll be going now."
"Do you have other friend's there?" Olivia asks.
"Yeah, there's lots of other groups beside AA and boys' baseball, Liv," Casey chuckles slightly. "I'm a part of the St. Edward's women's guild there and I also help to organize monthly mingles for the teenagers there. There's a dinner, a small forum, then a dance, a very tame one."
Olivia furrows her eyebrows.
"Didn't think I had a life, did you?" Casey asks.
"Well, not at your parish, no," Olivia grins. "So, does Chester go to St. Ed's?"
"No," Casey says. "He goes to St. Mark's. Very strict, that parish. I don't know how he can stand it. My parish is a little more progressive, and I've been trying to get him to cross over, but he's been going to St. Mark's since he was seventeen, so…"
Olivia nods. "As long as you've got something working for you…when does the group meet?"
"Every Thursday night at eight," Casey says. "Will you come with me when I go?"
"Honey, shouldn't Chester go with you?"
"Not right now," Casey says quietly. "Please?"
"Alright," Olivia says.
"Thank you," Casey says.
"Dean is making some breakfast," Olivia says. "Are you hungry?"
Casey shakes her head. "I'm too tired to do anything."
"You ready to come out?"
"No," Casey says. "I'll be okay."
"Alright," Olivia says as she stands up. "I'll save you some breakfast for later after you've gotten some rest."
Olivia walks out and she closes the door.
Casey stretches out in the tub, then she immerses herself under the water, then she comes back up, wiping her eyes. She can still feel her tears.
/\/\/\/\/\
Chester comes into the squad room with a few boxes in hand.
Fin sees him and he stands up.
"Hey Chester."
"Hey Fin," Chester says.
"You look like hell," Fin says. "How's Casey?"
Chester isn't really in a talking mood, but he needs to talk to someone about all that's happened.
He sits down in the chair and he sighs.
"She lost the baby."
Fin brings his chair over and sits down. "I'm sorry, man. Is she alright?"
"She's fine now," Chester explains. "She's staying with Olivia."
"She's not with you?"
"No," Chester says. "We…broke up. We both need some time apart."
Fin frowns at him. "And you're going through with it?"
"I've hurt her too much," Chester says. "I've hurt the woman that I love, and now that the baby's gone…there's nothing for us to hold on to right now. I need to do this for her."
Chester begins to put the things from his desk into the boxes.
"So has Cragen lined up a new partner, or have you run back to Munch?"
Fin shoves his hands into his pockets. "Nah, that old bastard's still pissed at me for dumping him for you. Now that you've screwed up, Cragen's already got a new hire. He hasn't told me who it is, but I know that it's a woman."
Chester nods. "Well, all I can say is don't make her work so hard to be part of the squad."
"It wouldn't be right if we didn't," Fin shrugs. "It took us a good year and a half to get used to Casey after Alex left. It's a trust thing."
Chester grins. "You're right about that," he sighs. "Look, I just want you to know that I didn't have anything against you…it's a trust thing, like you said. You were a good partner Fin."
Chester extends his hand and Fin shakes it.
/\/\/\/\/\
Casey sits on the bed in the guest room, looking at the sonogram picture of her baby. She traces the outline of the baby with her finger then she places the picture back onto the night stand. She is so tired, and she is still weepy, and moody, even after a week. She has been debating on calling her mother. Her mother needs to know about everything, especially about the grandchild she almost had.
She needs someone familiar, other than her friends here; she needs a familiar voice, and she longs even more for an embrace from her mother or her sister.
Olivia comes into Casey's room, clad in a purple form-fitting tank top, and yoga pants.
"Get up," Olivia demands.
Casey furrows her eyebrows.
"What?"
"Put on something to exercise in," Olivia says.
"I don't want to, Liv," Casey groans.
"Sweets, you need to get outside and do something," Olivia sighs. "You're never going to start to feel better cooped up in here. And you're in serious need of a tan."
Casey frowns at Olivia.
"C'mon, let's go," Olivia says.
"My boobs still hurt," Casey tries.
"Case, I'm not asking you to run a marathon, it's just a walk around the Rambles," Olivia insists.
Casey groans.
/\/\/\/\/\
"Olivia wait," Casey pants as she tries to catch up to Olivia, who is walking briskly.
Olivia stops and she turns.
Casey sits on a bench and slouches against it, completely dejected.
Olivia comes over and sits down.
Casey wipes the sweat from her forehead then she pushes her hair behind her ears. She stares out at the foliage, shaking her head.
"Why does it hurt so much?" Casey asks, more to herself than to Olivia. "I want it all to go away so badly."
"It takes time, Casey," Olivia says.
"I don't want it to take time," Casey huffs. "I just want to wake up in the morning and not feel like I'm losing control of my life."
"Sweets, you can't control everything."
Casey looks down at her hands.
"Judge Donnelly told me I have to appear before the bar in July. I can control that…because I'm not going to go."
Olivia looks at her.
"Of all the times for you to be stubborn…"
"It's not about me being stubborn," Casey huffs, then she stands up. "C'mon, let's just get this stupid walk over with."
"No, Casey, we have to talk about this," Olivia insists as she catches up with the younger woman. "Look, I know that everything is too much right now, but you have to appear. You can't just give up, Casey. They may only suspend you for months if you just explain about your and Chester, and the baby…"
Casey turns to her angrily. "I will not discuss my personal life in a room full of strangers, nor will I use the baby as an excuse for what I did. How dare you even suggest it? That is just…sick."
"That's not what I'm saying," Olivia says, now jogging slightly because Casey is walking faster, to avoid her. "You…Case, you have to own up to what you did. Crane was a son of a bitch, be he wasn't a rapist-"
Casey stops.
"I could give a shit about Thomas fucking Crane!" She yells. "I do own up to what I did. I know that I made a mistake and even though I did it because I love Chester, that's not even a good reason. I went against everything I believed in and it was wrong. I have no intention of justifying what I did."
"You still need to go," Olivia advises. "This could save your career, Casey. They may give you another chance-"
"Just shut up about it!" Casey screams, tears falling down her face. "Shut up! Shut up!"
Casey puts her hands on her hips.
"Don't you understand Liv?"
"What?"
"I don't want it anymore," Casey cries. "And I haven't been wanting it. Liz was right…I stopped caring about myself. Even Chester told me that…"
Casey goes over to another bench and sits down, crying. Olivia sits next to her and gently rubs over Casey's back.
"Even though I've been so happy with Chester," she continues. "Inside…deep inside, I just wanted an out because I haven't been happy with myself. All of the cases, all of the horrible things I've seen, the children…it got to me. I don't know when, and I don't know how, but it did. And the further my relationship went, the more I resented what I did because it was taking so much away from me. I thought about my life, and how much I enjoyed being in love again, how much I wanted the things I wanted when I was younger. I've been burning out and I didn't even realize it."
Olivia sighs. "At least you're able to admit that."
"I just never wanted everything to go so badly," Casey sniffles. "I didn't want to leave my job as a failure."
"Honey, you are not a failure," Olivia says firmly. "You have the highest prosecution rate in this borough. You have worked your ass off for the better part of six years for SVU, and you've done a damn good job. You thought you had everything then boom…life happened. You shouldn't make yourself feel bad about wanting more out of life. What you do doesn't make you who you are. You met Chester, and you got in touch with a different part of you, a part that wants that intimacy, that love…the part of you that you left behind eight years ago when you had to leave Charlie. You let your guard down and you saw the ugly things that came across your desk with fresh eyes."
"And look where it's gotten me," Casey laments. "I shouldn't have psyched myself out I-"
"Sweets," Olivia says, putting her hand on Casey's cheeks. "It's okay…it's perfectly okay, you know why?"
"Why?"
"Because you're human," Olivia says with a slight smile. "Welcome."
Casey begins to sob and Olivia hugs her.
/\/\/\/\/\
A MONTH LATER
/\/\/\/\/\
Casey sighs as she leans up against the wall outside of the board room. The proceeding has carried on longer than expected, and now she is getting antsy, and she wants to leave, but she can't right now until she knows the already obvious outcome. It is a closed meeting, and she can't hear a thing that's going on inside.
Cragen comes down the hallway with two carriers, containing coffee.
He gives Casey a cup, then Olivia, Fin, Munch, then himself. Elliot had to leave to tend to his family.
"You should sit down," Cragen advises.
"I'm fine," Casey says. "Thanks."
"How long has it been?" Olivia asks.
"It's going on three hours," Fin says.
Casey closes her eyes.
She has been feeling progressively better lately. She's been going to her parish group to help her deal with the miscarriage, and a few days ago, she'd stepped on the scale and realized that she'd lost fifteen pounds she didn't even know she had. Olivia has been supporting her, that has helped to keep her spirits lifted too. It's still a struggle though. There are some days when Casey doesn't even feel like getting out of bed because she'd much rather shut out the world than deal with it with her set of circumstances. It's definitely taken her a lot of strength to be able to realize that she is deserving of a good, fulfilling life.
The doors open and Chester comes out into the hallway.
He sighs. "I'm a civilian."
Cragen comes over to Chester and shakes his hand.
"No matter what the brass says, you were a good cop. Best of luck to you."
"Thank you," Chester says appreciatively.
Munch and Fin also shake his hand and bid him good luck.
"Bye honey," Olivia says as she hugs him. "Don't be a stranger, okay?"
"Alright," he says. "Bye Liv."
Olivia pulls away then she heads down the hall, leaving Chester and Casey by themselves.
Casey pushes her hair behind her ears.
"They took your shield," she says matter-of-factly.
"Yeah," he says. "Thanks for being here."
She nods.
He looks at her, grinning a bit. "You look nice…I'm glad that you're feeling better, sweetie."
"Thanks," she says. "You look better too."
They are only a few feet away from each other, but considering the strain, now they may as well be a thousand miles apart.
"I've missed you," he says, stepping closer to her.
"I've missed you too," she says quietly.
He caresses her cheek then he kisses her softly. She pulls away.
"I'll um," she begins, stepping away from him. "I'll talk to you later, okay?"
"Yeah," he says.
She turns and walks down the hallway.
/\/\/\/\/\
"Sweets, are you absolutely sure you don't want to appear?" Olivia asks as they sit on the couch, having a cup of tea. "You still have time to get dressed and go."
"I'm sure, Liv," Casey says.
Olivia takes a sip of her tea. "You'll never know what they decided. You might regret it; you should go if not for yourself, or your career, but for some closure, that way you're not always wondering about it."
Casey sighs. "At this point, if I cared about it, it would worry me and I'd go. But I don't want it, and I don't need it."
"Case…"
Casey looks at Olivia.
"Not needing it…that's my closure."
With that, she gets up and she heads to the kitchen.