Chapter Nine
By the time the Tahoe actually pulled to a stop in front of the ruins of the barn, I had tears running down my face. I slowly climbed out of the car and walked with my arms wrapped around myself to where the barn had once stood. I didn't want anyone to see me cry, but it was just so awful. I'd lost Reid, and Sarah, and probably Caleb.
"Fuck!" I screamed it until my throat was raw and my body sung with tension. So, I was being melodramatic, but I was scared. I tried to pull myself together, but only succeeded in crying harder. Pogue wandered over to me after a while and kneeled beside me.
"Karli?" I didn't respond. "Karli, Caleb told me what happened. Look, I know it seems bad but you've got to hang on long enough to ascend."
"If I make it through this ascension, I plan to kill Reid Garwin," I muttered. Pogue cracked a smile and pulled me into his arms. "I don't want him to know that he's hurt me."
"He thrives on that."
"Which makes me sick. Why does he have to be the one I end up with?"
"Maybe he's not, you know?"
"But he's so amazing when it's just me and him, Pogue. He's so sweet and he acts like he actually likes me and wants to be with me."
"He's just so jealous of Caleb."
"I know."
"Does he have a reason to be?" I pulled back from him and just stared. "No, don't look at me like that."
"Whose side are you on?" I got off my knees and walked away from him a little.
"Karli, come on, I'm just asking," he called after me. I ignored him and walked to the center of the barn. I knew it was close to time, I could feel the energy building. I looked around to locate everyone else and saw Caleb and Sarah arguing far off. Reid was leaning against the Tahoe looking like he could use a cigarette, and Tyler and Celeste were standing beside Tyler's Hummer, obviously talking about me. I turned back around and nearly screamed when Pogue was standing right there. I tried to move past him and he just moved in my way.
"Pogue, don't."
"Karli. Look at me and listen." I did as he asked, but with a dramatic sigh and my arms crossed.
"I know you're pissed. I know you're hurt, but you've got to chill out. You've got like 12 minutes until you ascend, and you've got to be strong. Do you hear me?" I said nothing, only stared through him.
"Karli?" I heard Caleb behind me. I sucked my front teeth and turned my head to look at him. "Got a minute?"
"I have 12, actually," I said, noticing Pogue's roll of his eyes. He looked at me once and walked away, giving Caleb and I faux-privacy. "What's up?" He said nothing, only searched my eyes. "Caleb?"
"I really have no idea what to say to you." He turned his body a little and put one hand on his hip, the other he pushed through his hair.
"I refuse to beg for forgiveness, so if that's what you're expecting, you're out of luck."
"So it's true?"
"Fuck yes, it's true, Caleb." I was getting ballsy. "How can you not see it in my eyes every time I look at you, hear it in my voice every time I talk to you. Hell, feel it when you hug me and it takes everything I have to let go." He stared at me in disbelief.
"Are you kidding me?" I shook my head. "How is that fair to me, Karli?"
"What?"
"How can you do this to me? Right after you and Sarah became friends, man?"
"I didn't do this. Reid did this."
"These are definitely your feelings, not his."
"Whatever. It doesn't matter."
"It does matter, Karls. This changes everything."
"Which is why I didn't want you to find out."
"So, what, you were just going to pretend you felt nothing for me?" He got really quiet and moved a little closer to me. "What if I'd have felt something for you back?"
"You've got Sarah."
"That doesn't mean I'm emotionless towards you." I raised an eyebrow and walked away from him. "Where are you going?"
"If I'm going to not die, I really can't deal with this right now." He nodded and walked back towards Sarah. I was circling the still-dead grass when Celeste walked over.
"Just a few minutes now, babe." She had tears in her eyes and a tissue in her hands. "Are you scared?"
"Yeah." It was a lie. The ascension was the last thing on my mind. I was concerned about losing my friends. I looked past Celeste at Sarah to see her just sitting in the grass in the moonlight. Even with all of the commotion going around, she looked serene, beautiful. She deserved Caleb and I didn't. That was what it all boiled down to, wasn't it? I just plain and simple didn't deserve Caleb. I deserved Reid: the guy who was nice to me when he wanted, but was completely frigid around his peers. I didn't deserve to be loved all the time.
"Karli?" I looked at her. "Stop."
"What?"
"Downing yourself. If you're meant to be with Caleb, God will find a way to bring you two together." I opened my mouth to say something but quickly closed it. "Get to middle of where the barn used to be. It's time." As soon as she uttered those words, I could feel that insane heat. It felt like it was ripping through my body, but I wanted to be ceremonial and ascend whilst in the barn. Everyone gathered around me and just watched. Their faces blurred to me, their figures melted into one another.
Black clouds gathered as a shock of lightening hit right beside me. I squealed and jumped. Reid chuckled. I sent him a dirty look and he sent me one back. I was ready. I was going to survive this. A wispy, blurred finger-like tendril came from the clouds and poked around me before it attached itself to my chest. It burned so bad that I felt tears pouring out of my eyes. I let out a scream that I couldn't even hear, but I could feel it in my throat. That tendril pumped power into me and I could feel all the atoms in my body explode. My body felt like boiling water was pumping through it as I dropped to my knees and everything quickly knit itself back together. It was just a flicker, just a half-second long, but I saw death. I so easily could have jumped into that place and it would have all been over. The physical pain I was in, the emotional pain I was in; the heartache, the general problems of life. It could all be over. I was inching towards that place when I realized what I was doing and literally pushed my body away from it. I fell over and tried to move when Celeste screamed my name. Reid running towards me was the last thing I saw before I blacked out.
: x : x : x :
When I woke up, I knew I wasn't in Heaven. If anything, I thought I was in hell. My eyes flicked open only to close right away. The fire burning beside me was bright and hot, and I had visions of demons dancing in my head. I felt someone run their finger from my temple to my jaw bone so I opened my eyes again. Reid.
"Oh, yeah, definitely hell." He squinted in confusion as he sat back on his heels to give me a little room. I sat up with a little help from them and ended up leaning against one of the wooden chairs. I was in the basement of the colony house. "Could you guys have at least taken me somewhere with central heating and air?"
"We were afraid to move you around too much," Celeste explained, examining me, making sure I was really okay.
"Cel, back off a little?" The words were harsh, but the tone was gentle. She gave me a small smile and also gave me some room to breathe.
"How's she doing?" Pogue asked, jumping down the last few stairs into the basement.
"You could just ask me, you know. I am sitting up, after all." He sent me a smile and walked over to sit in the chair behind me.
"Okay, how are you doing, babe?" I leaned against his legs and thought about it. Actually, I felt fine. I felt great, even.
"I feel amazing." I really did, too. I felt like all of my senses were on high alert, like I could see and hear everything. I felt like a dog. "Doggy sense," I muttered. The boys smiled at me and nodded.
"It wears off in a couple of hours, but until then it's a pretty cool sensation," Tyler explained. I then noticed that neither Sarah nor Caleb were anywhere to be found. I refused to say anything about it, afraid that the slightest mention of Caleb would set Reid off, so I said nothing, but Celeste caught my glance and lowered her eyes. From years of being her sister, I knew that she was saying she'd tell me what had happened later.
"I'm famished," I said, and everyone laughed. Reid helped me up and I looked down at my dress. It was completely ruined. The beautiful satin was now mud-stained with pieces of dried grass stuck everywhere. I rolled my eyes and tried to brush the grass off, but it clung on.
"I was thinking," Reid began, his hands in his pocket. It was a nervous gesture and one that looked quite foreign possessing his body.
"Yes?"
"Maybe you'd like to have dinner with me?" I looked at him and he stared straight back at me. He wasn't embarrassed or ashamed of what he'd done to me. He didn't regret it at all, and I could see it in his eyes.
"Reid, I don't know if that's such a great idea," Celeste butted in. I was torn. I wanted to go home and sleep, but also I wanted to talk to Reid in private. I wanted to rip into his body and tell him just what a jerk he was and how he didn't deserve to even be friends with a person like Caleb, or me, for that matter. He had no right to announce my feelings to the general public, and in effect, destroy the beautiful friendship I'd spent years building with Caleb. He also didn't have the right to tear down what I was trying to build with Sarah.
"I think Celeste's right on this one," Pogue offered, linking my arm through his and leading me out of the basement. I didn't resist and didn't wait for Celeste. Reid wasn't off the hook just because he had touched me in front of Pogue and Tyler. Whether he knew that or not, I didn't know or even really care. I was pissed, but beyond that, I was so fucking hurt that he could even do that to me. It wasn't just what he'd done, although that in itself was such a huge deal. It was the fact that I'd trusted him with that information and he'd spilled it just to hurt and embarrass me. Who did he think he was?
When we got out of the house and to the cars, Pogue finally turned to look at me.
"Look, Karli, we've been best friends since, you know, birth, so I'm going to lay this out for you and you can take it however you want to. I love you, you're very important to me, and I want you to be happy. But, I also feel the same way about Reid and Caleb. We all know you still have feelings for Caleb, and it's not just because of Reid's little announcement. We've all just pretty much chosen to ignore it to save you the embarrassment of being called on it, and to keep from having to deal with," he paused, "well, exactly what we're dealing with right now. Reid loves you, I know he does, but I know that Caleb still has feelings for you, too. But, Reid deserves to have someone who can love him back completely, not just love him for being second to Caleb."
"Pogue, I've never--"
"Let me finish." I fell silent. "Caleb, too, deserves to be loved completely, and as much as I like Sarah and think she's great, lately I've been thinking maybe she's not the one for him."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"I think you and Reid confuse the love that you have for each other as something more. I think that because you don't feel anything more, you fight with each other to feel…something."
"But I like being with him, Pogue. He makes me feel wanted and beautiful and smart."
"Does Caleb make you feel those things?"
"He has before."
"Do you think he could do it again?"
"He's got Sarah, now."
"That's not what I asked." I paused to bite my lip.
"I know he could."