Author's Note;
I am not hindered by any topographical knowledge of Seattle, in my universe, a river runs through it
Also, I really love reviews-*blush*
I Can't Help Falling In Love With You
It was a beautiful day. Exiting the hospital's doors, Cristina walked out into the morning sun.
It was only ten o'clock, but as she made her way over to a low wall nearby, the rays of the sun warmed her back through the short leather jacket she was wearing.
Without minding the people around her, she sat own on the stones, legs stretched out before her, crossed at the ankles.
She leaned back, hands on either side of her, and, closing her eyes, she lifted her face up to the sun.
She was only aware of her slow breathing and the warm leather around the naked skin of her arms. She felt some curls softly graze her cheek as the wind played with them, stretching her legs she felt the blood tingle through them as she relaxed , jeans squeezing the flesh agreeably tight. Still, there were no thoughts forthcoming as her attention travelled upwards to her breasts and belly in the cotton t-shirt, sunlight warming her, she could feel the glow on her bare skin, where her t-shirt was pulled up a bit because of the way she was sitting.
She opened her eyes, just looking at her own feet, her head still a void.
She bent her head lower to protect her eyes and felt that she just might sit here forever, the moment stretching on and on.
People were going by, she was virtually in front of the main entrance, but the sharp light didn't allow her to see much around her, she felt separated from them , in her own circle of light.
"You alright Ma'am?", she looked in the direction from where the voice came, squinting. A young nurse was standing there, his worried face coming into view as he stepped closer, "Is there something I can help you with?".
She sat up straight, arms protesting when she bended them to draw her hands over her knees, rubbing the bits of sand and stone away, that had been pressed into her palms under her weight.
"I'm fine", she heard her own words and smiled a little. He seemed reassured and said goodbye, she didn't answer but got up and, gathering the papers she'd been sitting on, walked out of the parking lot and into the street.
It was about forty five minutes walking from here to her house, but she needed to think and she could always take a cab if she got tired.
Walking slowly, the words she'd just said made her brain start up again. "I'm fine". She felt herself smile as she allowed herself to feel what that meant. She was fine, there was nothing wrong, all was as it should be. If she just kept eating healthy, slept enough, and didn't forget to breathe, in seven and a half months time, she could have a child.
***
She stood still, looking around as if to check that everything was still the same. The side walk was mostly empty, this being a week day, the sun was still shining…, she took a big breath and began to walk again.
"She could have a child, Owen's child", the thought didn't cause panic. She knew she should be plotting out a course of action, but somehow the details and doom scenarios wouldn't come to her.
Instead, she was still walking along calmly, aware of her body moving and feeling free, detached from every day life.
All these weeks since they had had to part, she'd struggled not to despair. But lying in bed at night, staring at the fan, it had been so hard not to lose sight of the big picture.
Despite her best efforts, many times she had felt the walls of the hospital and her house close in on her, feeling so alone and small without him. Losing hope that they would have those forty years she wanted so much.
The only times she could breathe free was when they talked, or even when she just looked at him. One wink or smile and she felt secure again, felt that powerful connection.
Thankfully, over the last few weeks there had been more and more smiles and conversations, however fleeting they might be. He was doing better, she could tell, but she didn't want to push him so she tried to keep some distance, leaving him the initiative.
A thought flashed through her head and she smiled in spite of her better judgement. "Maybe she felt so calm because now, she had a piece of him with her all the time". She forced herself to an eye roll at the incredibly mushy thought, but couldn't get her lips to stop smiling. "She had a piece of him with her and she didn't want to get rid of it".
Without realising, she had come to a halt and it was only when a dog came over to sniff her legs that she came back to her surroundings. A quick look around told her nobody had noticed her except the owner of the dog, who shot her a curious look on passing.
Cristina saw she had reached the river, and made her way over to one of the benches along the water side.
Sitting down on it, she let her gaze get lost in the streaming water, sparkling in the sunshine.
"Okay Cristina, let's take this step by step".
***
She had not chosen to get pregnant, she had not chosen to have his baby, but now that the fact of her pregnancy presented itself, she would not choose to end it. She knew that.
The wind picked up a bit, tugging at her hair, but she remained motionless, lost in thought.
It was one thing to choose not to abort, it was another thing to have a baby.
First the pregnancy; she'd basically be sick, and partly incapacitated, for the eight months of it's duration and the month or so after. It would definitively hold her back in her residency. She'd still be able to study and research, even observe, but the actual operating would only become harder and harder. She'd have to cut back on her hours, before taking at least the last two weeks off.
She frowned slightly but almost immediately, felt her resolve being born. "I can do that", and nobody could stop her, they couldn't kick her out.
She was the best of their year, Meredith a close second. She had a comfortable lead on most of the others, she would find a way to do this and still be the best. She just had to make sure she didn't barf in any open body cavities, she could do that.
Still, she couldn't help and think of swollen ankles and nausea, cold nights after long days schlepping around all that extra weight. It would be hard and she could use help.
She could do it alone, she could do anything she put her mind to. But having help would be so much better.
Becoming aware of the burning sun, she took off her jacket, using it to cushion her back and head from the hard wooden bench.
Eyes fixed on the streaming water of the river, she was mesmerized by the smooth, steady flow, gently moving to the sea.
Hesitantly she placed her hand over her stomach, feeling her belly button through the thin fabric of the shirt.
Meredith would help her, she knew that. But they would have to have a serious conversation.
Another frown crept over her face, it was time she made her friend see what was going on here. She loved Owen, maybe from the day they'd met, and now they were having a child, Meredith needed to accept that.
Being on Cristina's team meant Meredith would have to be on Owen's team as well, since they were one and the same.
Almost without noticing, her thumb was slowly stroking her belly. She had been left before by people, but she didn't think Meredith would abandon her. So that meant that whatever happened between Owen and her, she would not be doing this alone.
She would still be a surgeon and she would still be Cristina Yang.
Without thinking further, she reached for her phone and called Meredith's cell. They were supposed to meet later in the day to do some wedding planning with Izzie , who was thrilled to have dresses to think about. When Meredith answered, Cristina asked her to meet her at a certain tearoom she knew, fifteen minutes walking downstream.
Her friend seemed surprised but agreed to see her there in an hour.
***
Hanging up the phone, Cristina heaved a deep sigh and forced herself to relax before finally turning her thoughts to the man who had taken her heart, and pretty much her whole life too. "Owen". Seeing his face before her, she was filled with love and longing. Trying her best to stay calm, and not be swept away by the wave of emotions he provoked in her, she whispered to herself. "Take it easy, you've got to get this clear before you talk to Mer", "Come on, think!". "What do you want to do?".
Turning her eyes to the water, she tried to order her thoughts. Thinking back to how they first met, then letting all their subsequent interactions pass her mind, it was hard not to feel that they had been caught up in their own stream from the very beginning. And that, just as this river moved, unstoppable to the sea, they had been swept along to this point of no return.
It was hard not to think this had been somehow inevitable, or even meant to be.
The only problem was; she hated that phrase "meant to be". It implied a kind of pre ordination she had no taste for. She believed in hard work, and shaping your own faith, she believed in choices. But then, it had been their choices, that had gotten them here. His choice to go back, her choice to ask him if he really couldn't remember her name. The things they chose to share, the love they had made.
*
That's where her breath halted for a moment, warmth spreading through her body to rival the heat of the sunshine on her skin.
That part had been meant to be, from the very first time it had been clear that, if they were around each other, sooner or later they would end up making love.
It had been their choices, though, that had made it so meaningful.
She replayed that night in her mind, and smiled, now covering her belly with two hands. Their child had been conceived in so much love, this just had to work out. It could not go wrong, not after starting so right.
She sat there a good half hour longer, until she got thirsty and got up, to make her way down to the tearoom
When she got there, Meredith hadn't arrived yet and she went ahead and ordered a healthy lunch, making up for missing breakfast.
She was just attacking her food with gusto when Mer came in and joined her at the table.
"Okay, so what's going on?".
***
When they got to the hospital later that afternoon they were windswept and a bit sunburned from talking along the riverside.
It had been a surprisingly calm but very honest conversation. Their had been some hard moments, but in the end they'd gotten up to leave for their appointment with Izzie as a team.
Cristina would never admit it, but when the cab pulled away from the curb, she felt tears in her eyes, knowing she still had her Person. That she wasn't doing this alone. She didn't even protest when Meredith took her hand and held it all the way to SGH.
***
It had been agreed between them that Meredith would talk to Owen and apologize, although that word had not been used by either one of them. They just decided that it would be helpful to take as much stress as possible away from this situation, and away from Owen. Letting him know Cristina's person didn't hate his guts would be a good start.
They weren't on call that night, so they went straight to Izzie's room, no changing into scrubs.
She was having a good day, fortunately, and they dived right in.
Cristina was surprised to find she was kind of enjoying herself. She knew she had taste and was going through the enormous stack of wedding magazines in a respectable pace.
Izzie being sick meant she didn't have the energy to squeal at every bow and sash, it was nice and very sad at the same time.
Who could have thought that she'd ever wish for more squeals from Izzie? Who could have thought they'd ever be sitting here, picking out wedding dresses for Meredith whilst being pregnant?.
She smiled at Izzzie, who was looking at her, "You're looking really good Iz". And she smiled back, pointing at a wedding dress that almost made Cristina gag. "look, isn't it pretty?". She hesitated before opening her mouth, "How hard could she be on a very sick person?". Meredith's amused look gave it away, and she spotted the mocking gleam in Izzie's eyes, "Ha, ha, very funny". But she joined in their laughter anyway, glad to see her joke around.
**
He'd know that laugh anywhere, Owen smiled, and stopped by Izzie Stevens' room. He knocked before entering, a smile on his lips, but froze when he saw Meredith there. "I'm sorry, you're busy, I'll come back another time", and before any of them could react, he had turned and closed the door behind him. Meredith and Cris exchanged a look, "Excuse me", and Meredith got up to follow him.
***
It was almost midnight when Cristiana made her way over to SGH. She'd had chinese food with Meredith, after leaving Izzie to rest early in the evening. All had been well.
When Meredith left however, the thoughts that filled her head drove her crazy, her anxiety increasing by the hour.
She knew Owen was working until midnight and she'd decided earlier that it would be better to wait before telling him about the baby.
As the evening went on however, it became clear to her that that would not be good for her heart, and so she dressed carefully in jeans and a beautiful woollen sweater, before heading out the door.
She had to tell him, now.
***
When she got there she asked one of the nurses if Dr. Hunt had already left, heart beating furiously as she waited for the answer.
When she was told he was in his office, she sighed in relief and controlled her breathing while directing her steps there.
Owen looked up at the soft knock on the door, to see Cristina standing in the doorway. His tired eyes lit up, and he felt his heart lift, "Hey".
He stood there, smiling, eyes feasting on her face and hair.
"Hey", it came out very subdued and Owen realised at once she was nervous, "Can I come in?".
He frowned a bit, and stepped closer, "Of course". He became even more alert, when she stepped inside and closed the door behind her, closing the blinds.
She stayed away from him, fixing him with a look he found hard to interpret.
A hundred thoughts and words were racing through Cristina's mind and for a moment, she had no idea how to begin. When she stayed quiet, Owen opened his mouth to speak, but her hand shot up, silencing him, and she found the words.
"You said you wanted to be around in forty years". He want very still and she knew she had his undivided attention. "Do you still want that?".
Her eyes never left his, watching closely for his reaction. It was immediate, " I do".
He reached out and put his hands on her upper arms, drawing her close to him.
Tears from relief had filled her eyes, and she looked down, blinking them away.
Her hands grabbed hold of the sides of his shirt, looking up in his eyes again, she smiled. "Good".
He stroked her cheek with his fingers, eyes going over her beautiful face.
"What's wrong Cristina?".
She smiled again, and looked away for just one second. "I just needed to hear you say, you'll still want to be with me, when you feel better".
She let her arm slide around his waist and buried her face against his chest. "Sometimes I get scared we won't be together again, that you will not want to be with me anymore".
She mumbled it, but he heard, and wrapped his strong arms around her just a little bit tighter, kissing the top of her head.
"I will always want to be with you, Cristina, you must know that's true". They stood like that, while Cristina was building up the courage to tell him, when Owen spoke first.
"Meredith came to see me this afternoon", he felt her nod, not surprised that she had known. "You put her up to that?". She leaned back far enough to look at him now, "I told her that if she's really on my side, she has to be on our side".
He kissed her fore head, overcome for a moment. "Our side hunh?". She gave him a smile that made his heart gallop, "Yeah, team Yang-Hunt".
He smiled before kissing her passionately, trying to tell her without words what it meant to him, to have her on his side.
When they broke apart they were both panting, surprising him, she took a step back, and he frowned at his suddenly empty arms.
"Owen", the nervousness was back in her voice and he wondered what was could be wrong?
"I know you are working hard to get better, and I will wait for you, however long it takes", "I know you can't rush this…".
The look she gave him was almost pleading and he waited, trying to reassure her with his eyes that she could tell him anything.
"I don't want to rush you Owen", her voice croaked with tension, "Owen.., I'm pregnant".
***
He felt like somebody knocked the wind right out of him, heat exploding in his body from the shock. His eyes held on to her face as the universe changed around him. Instinctively, he reached out an arm, pulling her against him, his free hand finding it's way to her stomach.
He looked at his hand, trying to understand what this meant. There was joy, but he could not grasp the enormity of it, and his dazed eyes found Cristina's.
She had been watching his face closely, and felt tears rise when she saw the joy in those blue eyes. He looked at her as if he was afraid to believe his luck, taking his hand from her stomach to cup her face. "We're going to have a baby?".
It was the quiet awe that told her they would be alright. Tears started running down her cheeks, she smiled through them, and touched his face.
"You're going to be a father". And then he laughed, a sound so full of happiness, she had to laugh with him, tears still streaming. He pulled her even closer, burying his face in her hair. "I love you Cristina, I love you so much". His voice trembled as he said it, and she turned her head to kiss him, wet lips mumbling against his. "I love you".
After long moments filled with kisses, he drew back just a little, looking at her worriedly. "What about your residency?", she looked back, eyebrow arched, "What about it?".
He stroked her face again, "You'll be tired and you'll have to take time off", "I'm..".
He fell silent, not wanting to finish the sentence, "I'm not sorry, I could never be sorry that you're having my baby".
She gave him an approving look. "But we didn't plan this, and it'll be hard on you".
She wanted to interrupt, but he held a finger to her lips, "I want you to know I'll help you, with anything you need, okay?!".
She smiled, it was good to hear him say that. "Don't worry, I'll take you up on the offer", and pulled him in for another kiss.
It was a very long time before they spoke again. They stood there, holding each other, both of them trying to understand this was really happening.
Cristina allowed herself for the first time, to really picture herself with the baby, and with Owen, she shook her head in smiling disbelief and stepped away from him. "Let's go home, you can sleep on the couch or whatever, but let's go home".
He smiled but when she turned to the door, he held her back.
She looked around questioningly and saw him looking at her very seriously.
"Cristina, you say you don't want to rush this", she was startled and her heart sank, thinking he'd refuse to come with her.
He squeezed both of her hands and she focused again.
"I don't want to rush this either, I want to do this right, so it will last the rest of our lives".
He stopped to emphasize his words, and she felt the dreadful feeling settle in her stomach.
"But Cristina", he gave her hands another little squeeze, blue eyes beseeching her, "Please marry me".
Now she was speechless, jaw dropping just slightly at those words, that she had not been expecting just then.
"Cristina", her mouth really fell open when he lowered himself on one knee, snapping her jaw shut, her eyes shot to his.
"I love you, I think almost from the first time I saw you".
"I tried to tell myself that I didn't need you", they both smiled at the memory of those fiery kisses outside Joe's. "I tried not to need you, but I can't help myself, I can't help loving you".
"I know I still have a long way to go, and I'll probably always be afraid of hurting you, but I can't be without you".
There were no tears in Cristina's eyes now, instead she felt a fierce joy burning through her, as she listened to his words and the way he said them.
"I can't be without you, and I can't be without our baby, marry me?, even if I have to sleep in another room in the beginning".
He looked away, pained, "I know I'm damaged but I'll promise to get better, please marry me".
His eyes were begging her and she didn't let him wait, her answer coming fast and sure, "Yes, I'll marry you".
He got up and starting kissing her again, it was heaven, but this office had a serious lack of beds!
"Let's get out of here", she whispered, and he let her go with a protest. Grabbing his bag from the desk, he took her hand in his as they walked into the hallway, kissing it as they went along.
Just outside the door, Owen stopped and kissed her again. She smiled, thinking of the other hospital she had left only that morning.
It seemed like ages ago. Looking at the man next to her, feeling his strong body next to hers as they made their way over to her apartment, she could almost not believe this was real and she had to stop again and kiss him, just to make sure.
It took them some time to get home that night, but they got there, together.
The End