Chapter Eleven
I woke hours later to a dark, silent house. I sighed as I shifted in my bed and tried to go back to sleep. When that didn't work I got up and decided to head back to the dorms. I got into my sad little car and when I was a little more than halfway there when I changed my mind and turned off down a dark side road. I pulled my sweater tighter as I drove to the edge of the bridge before cutting off the car and climbing out of it. I grabbed my jacket from the backseat and slipped it on over my sweater, shivering as the cloth stole some of my body heat. I walked to the edge of the bridge and sat as I normally did: feet dangling over the open water, back facing the road. I thought about leaving once or twice, but for whatever reason it just felt right to be there; so I stayed.
Okay, so I had to be honest with myself. I was probably going to end up going back to Marion. My mom did need help. And whether I wanted to be that help or not wasn't part of this equation. I knew that Celeste felt guilty for just picking up and leaving Mom, but I couldn't blame her. She wanted to have a baby so badly, and moving was the only solution she could think of. And it had worked, so far. But I wondered if she felt even more guilty for taking me with her, or worse, I wondered if she regretted it. If, in the first case, she did feel guilty, taking me with her probably made her feel even guiltier. I could have stayed behind and taken care of Mom. I wouldn't have liked it, but I could have done it.
Perhaps I shouldn't have spoken like that to my mother, but damn it, she pissed me off. I realized she needed someone, something. If she'd leave the damn house and go to an AA meeting or two, she might find herself cured. But she couldn't just expect me to drop my life and come running home to tend to her every need. She'd ripped my happiness from me once. I didn't owe her anything.
And speaking of my happiness: was I happy anymore? Did I really have anything left in Ipswich? I'd completely ruined my relationship with the boys. Reid resented me for still being in love with Caleb, and Caleb would probably run for the hills if I came within ten feet of him. Pogue was terrified I was going to hurt someone, somehow, and Tyler didn't have an opinion unless Reid gave him one. I was a shitty person for doing that to Reid, okay, I admit it. But I did love him, just maybe not in the way he needed to be loved. And Caleb? Well, I owed it to him to let him be happy with Sarah. They deserved each other, and Reid could always find another girl. There, so I had no reason to stay.
My eyes filled with tears. I had no reason to stay. How sad was that? I was completely unattached to everything in my entire life that I'd grow an attachment to. God, did I even have a reason for existing? I cried a little harder and decided that I was allowed to wallow in my self pity for a bit. I'd just realized that I pretty much had no purpose in life.
"I have a blanket in my car if you'd like it." I jumped at the sound of the voice and nearly fell from the bridge. I pressed my hand against my chest and felt my heart trying to beat through it.
"What the hell, Reid?" I asked, turning to glare at him. "You scared me half to death. What would you have done if I would have fallen?"
"Caught you?" Ooh, good answer. I rolled my eyes at him.
"What are you doing out here?"
"I came to see you."
"Why?"
"Because you've been avoiding my phone calls and I want to talk." Hell, why not? I was tired of fighting.
"About what?"
"You, me, what I did to you."
"Keep talking."
"I'm sorry, Karlissa." Whoa, most definitely didn't see that one coming. I whipped my head around to look at him standing on the road. His hands were stuck into the depths of his pockets and he was toeing at the packed dirt of the road, clearly avoiding eye contact with me.
"Reid? Have you ever apologized to anyone for anything in your entire life?" He gave a short laugh and shook his head. "Well, I feel honored to be the first to receive it." He took a seat beside me on the edge of bridge.
"Karli, I screwed up. I know that, though, you know? I shouldn't have told everyone that you were in love with Caleb, whether you were my girlfriend or just my friend. I betrayed your trust and friends don't do that. I really regret it, just so you know." He looked at me for the first time. I saw complete sincerity in those eyes and I couldn't help but smile.
"I shouldn't have gotten involved in a relationship before I dealt with my Caleb issues."
"I shouldn't have pushed you into a relationship."
"You didn't, Reid."
"Then why does it feel like it?" I shrugged. "Listen, I know you're still really mad at me. I deserve that, okay? But I still love you, Karli. I know that I've pretty much lost you as a girlfriend, but please, please don't make me lose you as a best friend. I need you in my life." Oh, my God! Reid Garwin had not only apologized to me, but he told me that he needed me.
"I'm moving back to Marion." His eyes widened and he blinked at me.
"You're--you're what?"
"My mom called today and we had words."
"Then why would you want to go back?"
"Because she, too, needs me." He went really still beside me. "What? What's wrong?"
"How come every time I'm honest with you and tell you all of my deepest, darkest feelings I get shot down?"
"What?"
"I just told you that I need you and you tell me you're moving back to your mom's place." Wow, it wasn't self-centered or anything that he was turning this whole situation around so that he was now the victim. I kept my mouth shut, though.
"Why shouldn't I, Reid? What do I have left here?"
"Oh my fucking God, if you even have to ask that, then maybe you should leave." He was pissed. He stood up and headed to the end of the bridge. Someone was a drama queen. Rather than let him walk away mad, I, too, stood up from the bridge. I ran over to him and tackled him to the ground. He turned around under me. "Karli, what are you--" I stopped him with my lips. I didn't think, I just let my body do what it felt was right. I may regret it later, but right then, it was what I wanted.
It lasted for about three minutes before he pushed me away. "What's wrong?" I was out of breath and I could feel my how swollen my lips were from his kisses.
"Karli, do you even want this?" I moved off of him and sat beside him on the dirt road. I blew out and watched my breath turn to fog. He pulled his knees up to his chest and laid his arms on top of them; I sat Indian-style.
"I don't know what I want anymore, Reid. No, wait, that's a lie. I want my mother to stop being codependent and needy. I want her to be happy, you know, but I don't want to have to be the one to take responsibility to make sure that happens. I want Celeste to not have to worry about my mom but at the same time, I want her to handle this whole mess. I want Caleb to tell me how he really feels instead of that cryptic bullshit he always hands me. I want Pogue to trust that I won't hurt you guys, and so far I've given him no reason to do so. I want Tyler to grow a personality that isn't a counterpart of yours. I want a healthy relationship with you. I want sex, but I want love. I want freedom, but I want someone else to be in control. I want…"
"What?"
"I want to be able to let go of Caleb and give you the chance that you really deserve."