A/N: Chapter 6. Did I mention how great is our God? Seriously? This Dude is the most awesomest guy ever. Happy Good Friday guys.
Even if Edward comforted me for those very few moments, I went home thinking about God. Esme drove the Volvo, her eyes fixated on the road ahead as if she were searching for something remarkable. I knew she was giving me some privacy so that I could swim in my thoughts, and I appreciated it greatly. I needed some down time anyways.
When we got home, I went straight up to my room. I didn't stop in to greet Emmett who was in his office reading. I know that was weird, I mean, how I knew exactly what he was doing, but I heard him flipping pages, and the slide of his hands as he leafed through the books. He was a fast reader, contrary to popular belief. He often spent hours just in his office reading. Of course, whatever he was reading was totally unknown to me as well as the rest of the family, but we were never without the sound effect of pages being turned.
My room was nothing spectacular, and I didn't bother to decorate it at all. It seemed pointless, seeing as I was planning to leave the Cullens as soon as my thirst had somewhat subdued and I found a way to make a living. Esme had offered me the guest room, which was significantly larger and had a few more windows because it was at the end of the house, but I chose this one. My room only has one window, which is in the center of the back wall, but for some reason my room is always illuminated. My bed is shoved underneath the window sill, my polka-dotted sheets left in a mess on the bed. A bed is unnecessary, I know, and it's not like I need it because I can't sleep. Ever. But I couldn't have a bedroom without a bed. It's part of the word, and without the piece of furniture, it would defeat the purpose.
I used to pray at night a lot. Laying down, staring up at the ceiling, I would gather my thoughts and pray to God. I don't think I was making a connection because I really didn't feel any sort of emotion after I did. It was just something I had to do. God was someone I feared. I couldn't establish a relationship with Him. That was like ... like walking up to your principle and just wrapping your arms around him. It's just not done.
I collapsed on my bed, letting a heavy sigh escape from my lips as I stared up at my ceiling again.
I can't believe I wanted to kill a man.
This is my nature. I can't avoid the calling to kill. I wish I wasn't destined to be a murderer.
Still, I'm different. I am -- was, a Christian. I should know better.
They say I can't help it. Esme told me it was to be expected, that I'd have to fight these cravings.
I hate being who I am.
I wish he'd bitten someone else. I wish he didn't steal my soul from me. I wish I could live with myself again.
"Sophia."
It's Bella. I sit up from my bed, startled slightly. "Hey Bella," I say to her.
"I need your help. Please please please come help me out today, I'm just so overloaded with this bake sale thing for Renesmee's class trip, and I have her appointment today with Carlisle that I think I'll be late for after it -- "
The worlds were tumbling out of her mouth at a thousand miles per second, and by the time she finished explaining her story, I was almost out of breath.
" -- so can you come help me out please?"
"Uh-um, yeah sure Bella," I said.
"OH THANK GOD! You'll be helping me out so much!"
Well, it's not like I had anything better to do anyways.
"No, no, no Aunt Sophie, you gotta do it like this!" Renesmee corrects me. She's sitting in the back seat, the seat belt wrapped around her little body, and her little feet dangling off of the edge. She smiles really widely, and says, "Support Forks Elementary School! Buy a brownie!"
"Oh really?" I say to her, "How come I can't say 'Buy a cupcake?'"
"Becaauuussseee!" She says, "Marissa Stevens made cupcakes and we don't want her to sell more than us."
Bella smiles in a tad bit embarrassment, but I know she thinks it's just as funny as I do.
"Alrighty, you're the boss here."
"Okay, you gotta say it now."
"Do I have to?"
Nessie smiles. "Yes please."
"Support Forks Elementary! Buy a cupcake!"
"Aunt Sophie!" She says, "Do it like I taught you."
"Oh, okay. Support Forks Elementary! Buy a brownie!"
She claps really loudly and enthusiastically, and Bella and I can't help but giggle. We pull into the parking lot of the supermarket, and Bella starts to scan the lot for an open space up front. Renesmee is so excited that she's practically bouncing her seat.
"Remember," Bella says to her, "Ignore the scent honey. Every time you feel like you're getting hungry just grab a brownie."
"Okey-dokey arty-chokey," she answers. "Can we go now?"
The car stops, and I realize that we've found a space already. Nessie's already got her seat belt off and is in mid-jump out of the door. The loveliest scent wafts in the car through the breeze, and instantly the burning returns. Blood. All of this blood rushing, pumping, moving around in these human bodies. I want to taste it again. Venom pools in my mouth.
Destined murderer.