One fine foggy day in the dismal town of Silent Hill, Herr Kaufmann was waltzing around in his beloved hospital. His bitch Lisa was on a drug high, and passed out in some medicine cabinet screaming about chicken pie. Kaufmann was bored. Awesomely bored, you might say. After a moments debate, he decided to go on an awesome journey, to somewhere as awesome as him. Throwing a coat over Lisa's drugged-up face, he slid on his shiny shiny shoes and skipped out of the door, in a cloud of awesome.
After making his way awesomely past a steaming pile of bacon*, our darling schnookums Kaufmann caught a glimpse of something shiny. Skipping towards it awesomely, he saw it was a watch, which he quickly (and need I say awesomely) pounced upon. Holding it up to his dazzling face, he realized it wasn't ticking, which, of course, was true, as Kaufmann's hearing never fails him, as you should know. Suddenly, the watch made a popping noise, which seemed to give him some sort of insta-brain tumour. Kaufmann screamed an awesome scream, and fell to the floor much more dramatically than needs be.
When Senor Kaufmann woke up, (next to another pile of rotting chopped bacon*), he found himself lying outside a police department. He stood up, brushed his knees off, and was about to cross the road when a glowing, flashing, lump of pure un-awesome fail blocked his path. Kaufmann frowned, an awesome frown. 'No.' He said sternly to the ravey flashing creature, 'Just no.' The creature screamed, a piercing, highly un-awesome, throat cancering yell, and melted into a puddle of shiny fail into the floor at Kaufmann's feet, which our love-muffin used to wax his awesome shiny shiny shoes.
After wandering around awesomely for another minute, Monsieur Kaufmann spied another being walking towards him. Our honeybunch became quite excited at this spectacle, wondering if he'd just found another awesome soul to add to his collection of already vast-growing awesome souls. As the man got closer, Kaufmann let out a tiny, feminine squeal. No longer able to contain his excitement, he sped awesomely towards this man of potential awesome. Kaufmann's hopes were un-awesomely spat on as he realised who the man was.
Alex Shepherd smiled shyly at Kaufmann, giving our Kauffy an eyeful of his hideous tombstone teeth. Kaufmann stared on in horror, looking slightly like Cynthia Velasquez on her death bed-subway. As Alex opened his mouth to speak, Master Kaufmann averted his eyes to the floor - which was caked in the blood of beautifully shiny bacons* - and skipped happily on his way. Alex watched him leave, and a single tear rolled down from his bulging eyes onto his hideously emotionless face vessel.
Lord Kaufmann was luckily home in time for tea.
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MANY ALEX SHEPHERD'S WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS FIC. I REGRET NOTHING.
Love Lillian, x
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Bacon; A shiny, sexual skinless dogpup. Also known as Josh' pet spaniel.
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HE'S NOT JOSH GODDAMN.