Chapter 2-Looking Approachable:

As the old folk say, "You either look nice, or you look twice." Well, okay, maybe they don't say that...I do, though, and I count as everything, great and small. And I reckon this is an awesome quote, 'cause it's so damn true! If you go up to 'The Bitch' and try to chat her up looking like a hag, you're practically laying on your deathbed. It might work with 'The Ugly', kiddies, but in the real world, you either look hot, or look not. Ya know what? I like that quote better.

Yeah, your mum's probably told ya beauty only counts on the inside or some crap like that, but I can tell ya one thing for sure. She's a lying bitch. But don't panic, with my help, we'll get you looking sexy and your mum outta the picture, just like that.

We'll start with technique.

Now, don't run wild thinking "Make-up! Save me for the love of Reno!", 'cause really, it aint that bad. Just a dab here and a dab there is all you need. I mean, seriously, you can't tell I wear make-up, can you now? No, exactly.

The biggest advice I can give you, poor sucker, is this. Never, ever, ever ever ever, ask your mum, your sister, or any persona of the female gender, to help you with make-up. They'll make you look like a barbie doll, and we don't want that, do we? Uh-uh. No gays here, thanks. Uh, unless you are gay...Then just skip this chapter and go talk to your mama-She's upstairs in my room, by the way. Unless you don't wanna look gay...Oh crap, I suck at this.

Applying make-up: (Don't try this at home, kiddies)

What you will need:

Skin coloured foundation (most of it comes green nowadays-no, don't blame us innocent Shinrians)

Lip coloured lipstick (see above)

More skin coloured foundation

And a dollop of whipping cream

Method:

1. Cover the face with the skin coloured foundation, being gentle and careful not to miss any spots.

2. Include the eyelids and neck.

3. Put a smear of whipping cream on the lips for that soft feeling and perfect colourlock (you'd be surprised how well it works).

4. Apply the lip coloured lipstick to the lip area and purse those lips (lotsa lips).

5. Check yourself out in the mirror and smile your sweetest.

Ahh...Nothing like a good ol' dose of make-up to ease the troubled heart. Um...Let's move on.

So your face is perfect-if not, give up now, and run home to mum.

What's next?

The hair, my loves, it's all in the hair...The hair is an art, a work of art. Don't let those fools tell you "The eyes are the windows to the soul". It's the hair. The hair, the hair, the hair!

I live with my beautiful red mullet day in, day out, and I don't regret a second of it. I bet you're wondering, 'How the heck does he keep his hair like that!?'. It's really quite simple, when you're a would-be beautician like me.

I DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.

ZOMG!!!! I'm turning gay.

Can we just skip this chapter!?!?!?!?! Whaddya mean it's entertaining, you blonde bitch!? Go get a boyfriend.

Ahem. As I was saying, in my state of tranquility...To keep the hair in perfect stance, you have to think of it as living. It breathes the same air as us, moves with the same gravitational laws like us (unless your name is Cloud), and feels like us.

Now, keep thinking, keep believing...You are the hair...you are the hair...you are the hair...

Now. Style yourself as desired, whilst murmuring, "I am the hair". Finally, use a generous amount of super hairspray (equivalent to super glue, as I like to use) on yourself, not being afraid to use the whole can. I mean seriously, people. It's only 15 gil. Our hair is worth every particle of it.

And now...you are done. To finish off, just keep repeating, "I am not the hair", and within moments, you won't be a beauty crazed maniac like me.

(I am not the hair I am not the hair I am not the hair I am not the hair I am not the hair I am not the hair I am not the hair...)

All better.

Okay, so the head is good to go. We'll just quickly get the hygiene part over and done with. There are several rules that apply to the art of hygiene. Here they are:

Use deoderant, not the flowers in the vase next to her (or the bouquet you bought her, depending on the circumstance).

Have a shower before the meeting, not before the sex.

Strong perfume isn't all that attractive.

A guy with a bit of sweat is actually considered sexy, or manly by some women.

Brushing your teeth works better than just a tic-tac, and the chick probably doesn't want to suck on that.

Nothing too overly extreme, hey? Easy peasy, Japanesy. Heh. Now I feel like singing.

Easy peasy Japanesy, let's go get a lemon squeasy, little wheezy, feeling queasy, beesy, teasy, fleasy...ITCHY!!! AAH!!!

*Cough cough*. All good.

What next? Oh wait, I'm meant to be telling you that.

Oh, duh! The outfit, of course! Without the proper clothes, you may as well be a puddle on the ground. And they aren't all too attractive, in my view.

From a recent survey I took-or rather, information forced outta Elena-chicks really dig suits. Not pirate suits-although that might work-, the traditional wedding sorta suit, ya know? Or a Turk's suit, prefferably ruffled like mine. Actually, they like it neat, sometimes, so they can scruff it all up later. Heh. I don't know, you can decide what sorta clothes you wanna wear. I'm over it.

Okay, so we're all settled with the lookin' good thing. Just a final order. Go check yourself out in a mirror. If you look hot, you're good to go. If not, see ya, bro. Tee hee, I like to rhyme! Like a phyme! If that's even a word! Like a turd! What's that mean? Washing machine! Oh I see...See you pee! Mwahahahahahaha!!!

L8rz, ppl. Cya nxt chptr!!!