Chapter 3-Finding the Girl:

Back for more, I see. It's alright, you can admit your addiction to me, I won't judge you. Okay, so...Where are we up to? It's been a couple days now, I'm not really in a 'writing sorta mood', if you get me...

Uh, gimme a sec to read the chapter title...Got it.

So, you're back to learn how to wind up girls. I'm pro at this. Can I just quickly leave a message for Tseng? Okay, let's see...Tseng, I don't really care if it says finding or winding. They're basically the same damn thing. I left school in grade two, so what? All the real geniouses never got a decent education, and look where they're at! No, they're not all lying in coffins or prison, or in a secret concealed lab with Jenova's remains hiding inside...

Sorry 'bout that.

Finding the Girl. Okay. Let's see. Okay. Right. Um...To find a girl...You must...Look in the right places!

Of course, the location of the girl really depends on the type of girl. Example? You would more likely find 'The Single Female Lawyer' in a library than in a bar. The opposite goes for 'The Bitch'. She wouldn't be caught dead in a library. Unless she was emo...Emo bitch...Hmm, this is getting interesting. I'm learning something from myself! Whaddya know!?

As I was saying, all this 'finding the girl' crap comes down to one factor. Taste, and common sense. Okay, so, two factors, whatever. I can't help you with either. So really, I gotta ask you, why did you even bother reading this piece of s***? Oh well, I'm the one makin' the mula here, so I can't complain...What's that Rude? I'm scarin' off potential customers? What do you know, baldie!? I'm the author here, so back off and go write your own Guide!

I'm getting off the subject. Okay, now, to find the girl, ya gotta do this:

1. Choose your girl.

2. Choose her appropriate setting.

3. Search the appropriate setting.

4. Check out the girl.

5. Decide if the girl is a good one.

6. Read chapter 4.

Okay, so you're probably up to number 3. If not, I can't help ya. If so, read on. Man, this is startin' to sound like a choose your own adventure book. And I hate those things.

To search the setting, you have to switch your internal chick radar on. What this nifty little Hojo experiment does is it makes your brain avoid the 'bad eggs', and once you find a 'good egg', it beeps. Sure the beeping annoys the heck outta ya (I was close to suicide at one point-shh, don't tell), but I say, it's worth it. It's my little secret, ya know? Hojo knew I was freakin' chick magnet potential, so he made me the legendary chick radar.

Oh wait, you don't have one. Hmph, guess you'll have to do it old fashioned. And that means a clean scan of the area 100 times over. Fun fun fun!

Let's move on to number 4. Checking out the girl. The number one rule is to always check head to toe. Not toe to head. Her backside might look useful, but it's the face you're kissin' that really matters. Oh, that and the melons below (prefferably not too far below).

And don't forget this quote, 'cause it's your only valid excuse for perving. "Perving is a natural process. Without it, you wouldn't be alive."

I mean, if I never perved, think of all those poor fatherless kids that would never been brought to life! Whoa, makes me think about how many kids I've got now! Ahh...I've made myself a proud father. Let's just hope no one ever runs any fancy DNA tests on the kid (s).

With perving being natural, and it all coming down to taste, I really can't give you much extra advice-except this. The ten second rule. Any perving to the breasts longer than ten seconds is out of the question, unless you're looking for a nice fat bruise in the morning. Not so fun.

Okay...Number 5...God this is tiring work...Deciding if she's a good egg...Well that's pretty easy. Any of the following symtoms means she's the one for you:

-Drooling

-Staring in lust for over ten seconds

-Touching any part of her body

-In her arms already

-Dizziness (but not because she's hideously ugly)

-Unconciousness (probably means you've forgotten the ten second rule)

-Nausea

-Fever

-Headaches

-Menstrual Pain

And possibly some other symptoms that I've forgotten to read off the back of the medicine bottle. Oh, would you look at that! We're finished already! How time flies when you're having...fun...

Well, guess I'd better...hit the sack...hehe...See you soon...