Chapter 4-Catching the Girl

Miss me? Thought so.

Let's go catch some chicks. 'Nuff said.

So this is the part everyone thinks is so hard. I'm gonna tell you something, and you'd better remember it. The girl wants you. She wants you so bad she's scared of you. And when she's scared of you, she acts drastically. By that I mean she acts like a stuck-up bitch with ten boyfriends. But she got nothin'. Trust me. All you gotta do is stay calm. If you do that, you're already halfway down the highway to a successful night.

Let's see...The Golden Rule. The only way you're gonna end up in bed with the girl by the end of the night, is if the chick gets drunk in the process. If she doesn't get drunk, you got no chance in hell.

So I'm guessin' you've found her. Good. Now, there are an infinite amount of ways you can play out the scene, so get creative. If your brain can't even register the word 'creative', then don't worry. I've got some scenarios here. Though they probably won't ever happen to you, you get the picture. Well, you can hope, anyway. My brain is probably a little more intelektual (Tee-hee!) than yours is.

1) Judy is ridin' fast on the back of a rainbow feathered chocobo, and you're on foot. Damn. How will you reach her? Well this is an easy one. You've got three options.

a) Get out your pistol (don't bother with a tranquilizer, they're more expensive) and aim for the ass. Of the chocobo, of course.

b) Kick the blonde bitch off the motorbike and go catch some chick! (My personal favourite)

c) Shut the retarded Guide and go get some rest. (It's me again-Elena! Tee-hee!)

Not good enough? Fine, tough nuts. This had better be it, 'cause my brain is bursting.

2) Elizabeth is too old-fashioned for your uber modern sex-moves, so she fakes a sickie and runs outta the bathroom, somehow managing to lock the door from the outside and disabling the inside lock. There's no window, how will you escape?

a) Use your uber modern karate skills to one-shot the door. (Foolproof-for me, anyway.)

b) Pray to Aerith she'll save you from Hell.

c) Use your Shinra monitored PHS to call your expert boss to the rescue and beg for forgiveness. (Tseng. Will. Die.)

No, ya aint getting any more, ya spoilt bitches! Go use your own brain for once instead of my oh-so-elite one.

Okay, so the scenarios didn't help. Maybe my awesome pick-up lines might! (For more read 'Reno's Handy Pick-Up Lines'-they're handy!)

"Is it just me or did it just get hotter in here?"

"Sorry, I only like men. Oh, so you're into that, hey?"

"Wow, those breast implants suit you!"

"Hola que tal? Wait no, that aint right...Y tu? Uh, gimme a second...Arigatou! Yeah that's it! It's not? Well sorry Miss Imtoosmartforyou if Imtoodumbforyou!"

*drools* "So...hot..." *reaches for hamburger*

Head...spinning...life...flashing before eyes...asshole co-workers...thinking I'm a drama queen...DRAMA QUEEN!?!?! Oh, they're so gonna pay for that...

Back to the subject. If my last two pieces of advice worked, read on. If they didn't, then throw this Guide down. I don't run well with idiots.

Now that you've gotten into conversation with the girl, you gotta make sure you keep it. Talk about yourself for a bit, and then open up a chance for her to get a word in. But if she tries to talk, don't interrupt her. She hates that.

...Okay, this is boring. I like lists, so I'm gonna type up the 15 stages that lead upstairs (assuming the girl is easygoing, has no friends or boyfriends around her, and is a dumb blonde). Here ya go!

1. Casually bump into her.

2. Use one of my handy pick-up lines.

3. Ask how she's going.

4. Offer her a drink.

5. Briefly talk about yourself.

6. Listen to what she has to say.

7. Make up some jokes.

8. Get a bit closer as she drinks more.

9. Keep chatting 'till she gets drunk.

10. Compliment on her looks.

11. Kiss her on the cheek.

12. Let her kiss you back.

13. Make up some dirty knock-knock jokes.

14. Suggest upstairs to her.

15. Go with the flow of nature.

Bow down, bow down, to the Master of the Woman. I'm so pro, it's makin' you nervous!

If you're still reading this crap, I'm assuming you failed miserably. That or didn't bother 'cause you knew my technique was too epic for you!

You know what? Maybe we should just give up tryin' to spawn a new age of 'Elite Players', and just admit to the world that there's only one 'Elite Player' out there. Me!! Ahaha!!

Ohh boy...I'm tired. Can we end this stupid book yet? THREE MORE CHAPTERS!?!?! That's suicide!!!

Okay, look. Just go try out the skills I hopefully taught you, while I go get some beauty sleep and see ya tomorrow.

Oh hey, and ya know that novel I said I was writing? I've chosen the names for the main characters. Oner (the sexy) and Edur (the brute). How awesome!?

Okay, I gotta go. I smell chocolate. And when a drunk writer smells chocolate, it's chocolate he gets.