Chapter 5-Examples of Relationships

Hungry for more? Good, good. 'Cause I'll be feeding words to you on a spoon this chapter. Well, maybe not literally, 'cause I'm too damn lazy to be bothered, but you get me.

This chapter, we'll be discussing-well, not discussing, that makes it sound too hard. We'll be sharing-wait, no, that's even harder. We'll be chatting, yeah, chatting, about some examples of failed and sucessful relationships.

Maybe we should define that word. Relationship. You think you know what it means, don't you? But really, you don't have a clue. You can look it up in the dictionary, nerds, but ya haven't seen nothin' 'till you've read this Guide. Or met me.

I can't be bothered defining stuff anymore. You shoulda caught me when I was in a good mood...aka, never.

Let's see...to begin this lovely topic, we'll chat about our two favourite heroes *cough cough*. Who, you ask? Why, the rejects of course!

Still don't have a clue? Well, one is a dumbass retard, and the other is a brunette; curvy, hot, gorgeous, freakin' bitchy, and all-round guy's dream. Well, maybe she's not a reject...

Yeah, you know who I mean now, right?

Good.

So let's start this damn thing. Our dumbass retard is lost in love with his-this is oh so cliche-childhood friend, who happens to be a real catch. She of course, wouldn't get paid to kiss him, even if she were a prostitute. Oh, that would be good...Uh, back on topic, yeah.

So, the catch is, the busty brunette is totally in love with this sexy guy, and-no, I'm not talkin' about the dumbass retard, I'm talkin' bout me. I mean, who else? Yeah and, um, dumbass retard is like, uber jealous. So he comes along and gets out his "flashy" or so he thinks, buster sword, and he whacks it at my gorgeous red hair. But he doesn't realise that what he was aiming at was just a hologram of me, and the real me is right behind him, whacking him in the head with my super awesome EMR. And then he falls to the floor and starts crying for his long lost mama, and then Barret comes along and cradles his head, singing lullabies to him. And then dumbass retard falls asleep, missing the sight of his mum and dad kissing, in between soft swearing coming from his dad, the wannabe sky pilot or whatever the heck that dude is.

Well, that was more of an excerpt from my story about Oner and Edur, but you get what I mean. Right? Yeah, that's right.

Actually, that last couple was more of a successful relationship...Hmm. Get's you wondering...

Anyway, the point is, that I'm a super hot womanizer, Tifa is mine, and Cloud-I mean, dumbass retard, is a gay loser who is in love with Sephiroth.

Cloud, don't try to deny it. We all know it's true. Just admit it and we can all get on with our lives.

Yes Cloud, yes. I saw that part in Advent Children when you kissed Sephiroth. I was a witness! Just admit to your gayness, Cloud! It's not that hard, it's in your name! Cloud! Doesn't that say it all!?

Ahem. Now, let's make a list of failure couples that will never, ever work. Ever. Why? Because I like lists. They're easy to write and they're fun to laugh at. Here we go ('round the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush, here we go 'round the mulb...)!

---Vincent and Lucrecia. Need I say more? Yes? Well, for one, she's dead. Two, she's a bitchy betrayer. Three, get over it. And four, well, she'd be mine even if she were alive.

---Tseng and Elena. Because Tseng's an asshole who doesn't deserve anyone. 'Cept maybe Rufus. Oh yeah, and Elena is my blonde bitch. All mine.

---Cloud and Tifa. What more do you want!? I just gave you a whole damn paragraph!

---Aerith and Zack. They're both dead together, which means...uh...heh...um...they suck. The end.

---Yuffie and Vincent. That emo vampire doesn't deserve such a gorgeous trophy! She's mine! Look closely and you'll see my name engraved on her. *pokes tongue out*

---Cissnei and Zack. Don't even mention this pairing to me. Just don't. Cissnei is the only hot redhead I know. She's like, perfect! She's a Turk, she's cute, she's a redhead, and she isn't even afraid to wear a bikini in public! Unlike some people I know...*Glares at Elena*

Okay that's enough chat about failures for one night. Let's move on to examples of sucessful relationships! Yippee, my favourite part of the Guide!

An example of a sucessful relationship would be Elena and I. We've really got somethin' goin' on, ya know? Actually, it more or less involves Elena obsessing over me and chasing me around my apartment in her underwear. Well, that's what I'd call successful, wouldn't you?

She kinda scares me sometimes, I have to admit. Whenever I go into the Shinra hot tubs after our daily target practice, she always follows me in. And when I'm doing my paperwork, she always leans over my shoulder to check what I'm really writing. And when I'm getting myself a coffee, she always asks if I want another teaspoon of...

SUGAR HONEY ICE TEA!!!

Maybe we really don't have a successful relationship! Crap! What have I been wasting my time doing all these months!?

Okay, maybe Elena and me aren't the best example...but there are others! Here, to prove my point, I'll give you another list.

---Tifa and Reno. We're both hot, kick-ass, and downright awesome (we're both sick and tired of Cloud the Emo).

---Aerith and Reno. You know the saying "opposites attract"? Well I'm gonna stick with that and hope to Shiva that it's true.

---Lucrecia and Reno. You don't need an excuse to be with Lucrecia. Vincent didn't have one, did he? Don't answer that.

---Cissnei and Reno. WE'RE BOTH REDHEADED APES!!! WOOHOO!!!

---Yuffie and Reno. We're both hyper, cocky, arrogant little know-it-all's.

---Jenova and Reno. Uh...She's a chick and I'm a dude? At least, I think she's a chick................*awkward silence*

Yes, so. Those were some fascinating examples that touched your heart. Or should have done, anyway. If they didn't, I'm sorry I wasted your time. Actually, I'm not sorry. I'm just bored. Like you must be to read this stupid Guide.

Did I feed you enough junk this chapter to last you the rest of the week? I hope so. 'Cause quite frankly, right now I'd rather be watching the latest episode of "How to look good naked". Not that I'd ever need their nub advice, but whatever. It's entertaining...

Speak of the devil! Look what just popped up on screen! Guess I'd best be off! Ta-ta my loves! 'Till next time!

Hehehe...Suckers...