The Titan Nerd Game Show Vault
The premise of this one is that when Charles Tolle made his agreements with the TV station, he had to reluctantly go to his vault. While he was more than happy to pull out the old tapes of the first and so far only episodes of his show Dare to Be Stupid, he had to get the other game shows, like Jeopardy, among others. This will feature two more original game shows, some other parodies of real ones, and a Jeopardy clip here and there. I own none of the characters or game shows I lampoon except for the Titan Nerd employees. Enjoy, my allies.
Recorded live on Monday, January 19, 2009
Weakest Link I
Part I
"And welcome to the Weakest Link!" Charles announced before his smile leaped to its death off of his face. "Okay, our first game show, which was my favorite was a flop. Our second game show, which I did not like as much was also a flop. And our current main game show is a success, but I hate it. Oh, well, the sooner I begin this piece of shit, the sooner it's over. Welcome to an idea spawned from our current game show. If you're watching this, I presume you've seen the original Weakest Link, so I won't tell you how the game works. We're playing with six anime character-actors who are raising money for charities. And because I am not the devil like Anne Robinson, the losing characters will win a dollar for their charities. I don't know who they are yet, so let's hope they're some of the smarter characters. State your name, series, and charity."
"Captain Kuchiki Byakuya from Bleach, playing for Make a Wish Foundation."
"Higurashi Kagome from Inuyasha, playing for WWE."
"Wait, wait, wait," said Charles. "That's the wrestling organization. Don't you mean WWF, the World Wildlife Federation?"
"No," said Kagome. "I'm playing for WWE."
"Okay," said Charles. "Continue."
"Shindo Hikaru from Hikaru no Go, playing for Finding a Cure."
"002 from Cyborg 009, playing for Everyone in the World against AIDS."
"Hold it," said Charles. "Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. What the hell is he doing here? Honestly, what the hell is he doing here? I reluctantly agreed to host this, but I know I told the guards not to admit him, Ash, L, or Kame Sen'nin for any reason. How'd you get in here?"
"I walked in the door," said 002. "You know, seeing as this isn't Jeopardy, you should give me a fair chance here. Besides, you claim to be a fan of my series."
"That I am," said Charles, "But I like your character better than I like you the actor. Go fuck your mother."
"My mother is dead," said 002.
"I don't give a rat's ass. Moving on..."
"Miss Doublefinger of One Piece, playing for Baroque Works."
"Uh, Miss Doublefinger, that's a criminal organization, not a charity."
"Well, we need money."
"Note to self, do not let her win. And our last person is..."
"Kuwabara Kazuma from YuYu Hakusho, playing for Give a Dog a Bone."
"That sounds like a nice charity, finding homes for dogs, I presume?"
"Yes," said Kuwabara. "By the way, how hard are the questions?"
"They're about the same level as Jeopardy," said Charles, "Maybe dumbed down a bit so that you morons can get the answers! And some are open ended, meaning there is not a right or wrong answer, so if you get these questions wrong consistently, you're really fucking retarded! Put two and a half minutes on the clock, and begin! Byakuya, name something that starts with the letter R!"
"Uh...," Byakuya began, "I don't know."
"Then you're an idiot," Charles responded. "Kagome, spell DMV."
"Y-O-P?"
"No, DMV, you dumb girl. Hikaru..."
"Pass."
"You pass? I haven't even read you the question."
"Don't want to risk it and look like an idiot."
"Wow. 002..."
"Bank."
"You know there's no money to bank. 002, what F. Scott Fitzgerald book is about the great man named Gatsby?"
"That would be..."
"You don't have all night."
"Don't rush me."
"You know what, fuck you. Miss Doublefinger..."
"Rattlesnakes!"
"I didn't ask the question."
"Sorry."
"What color is an orange?"
"Blue, right?"
"No, they're purple."
"Dammit, that was my backup answer!"
"And that was my backup sarcasm. Kuwabara, how many sides on a rectangle?"
"Two."
"No, four. Byakuya, name a movie with Sean Connery."
"Man of the Year."
"No. Kagome, name any round object."
"A square."
"No. Hikaru, is an eggplant a vegetable? The answer is yes."
"No. You think I'll fall for that reverse psychology?"
"No, I was telling you the answer. 002..."
"Bank."
"Stop banking, there's no money to bank. Name a country in Africa."
"Europe."
"No, that's a continent. You know what, just stop the clock right now." He took a deep breath, trying hard to control his rising anger. "Okay, in the time we had, you banked a stunning 0. Why the fuck am I not surprised. All right, now vote someone off, and make it quick."
"Statistically, all six contestants sucked. But it's votes that count. Hopefully 002 will remain, because he's really funny."
"I heard that, Greg," said Charles. "I don't care who it is, but one of you will leave and your charity will only get a dollar. Show me your votes."
"Miss Doublefinger," said Byakuya.
"What is that?" Charles asked Kagome.
"It's a lollipop."
"Wow. Hikaru, who did you vote off?"
"No one. I can't read or write."
"I suspected as much. 002, you probably did something obnoxious, so I'm skipping over you."
"You should be fair to all," said 002. "I might have written a name down."
"Only because I should be fair," said Charles. "Okay, nobody here is named middle finger. Miss Doublefinger, it appears you crossed out whatever name you were in the process of writing and drew a middle finger pointing at Byakuya."
"And here are two real ones for him." She flipped Byakuya the bird on both hands.
"Wonderful. And Kuwabara you wrote down 'anyone but me'. Well, I figured I would probably have to cast the final vote, so I already have you in the order I want to get rid of you, and surprisingly, 002 is not at the top of the list. Miss Doublefinger, you are the weakest link. Get the fuck out of here."
"Charles can go fuck himself," Miss Doublefinger said. "Honestly, I'm going to kill him tonight. Once I find out where he lives."
"One moronic pile of shit gone," said Charles. "Five moronic piles of shit left. Let's play, and let's hope I don't have a sudden urge to shoot myself in the head. Put two minutes on the clock. And begin! Kuwabara, what sound does a cat make?"
"Cluck. I mean..."
"It doesn't matter, the second one was probably also wrong. Byakuya, what is Jerry Seinfeld's name?"
"..."
"It's not hard."
"Ha!" 002 laughed. "You said hard!"
"002, shut the fuck up before I stick my foot up your ass."
"How about you stick your fist up my ass instead."
"That is awful. Fuck Byakuya. Kagome, where is South Africa located?"
"I don't think that place exists."
"Neither does your brain. Hikaru, what is the opposite of right?"
"...Pass."
"And passing made you look retarded. 002..."
"Bank."
"Don't bother, you have no fucking money. Great, I just forgot what question we were on."
"Who was the first pres of the US of A?"
"Okay, who was it?"
"Wanton D. Cox."
"Who the hell is that?"
"Who the hell is who?"
"Who the hell is Wanton D. Cox?"
"Sounds like you are."
"Go fuck yourself! Kuwabara...never mind that. Out of a potential $2 000, once again, you banked an impressive zero. Decide which of you fuck-ups is the most fucked up and vote off the weakest link!"
"Once again, all five contestants blew. Me. Just kidding. But seriously, Hikaru blew the worst. Kagome blew the best."
"Greg, stop making jokes up there. Show me who you voted off."
"Hikaru," said Byakuya.
"Hikaru," said Kagome.
"I'm illiterate," said Hikaru.
"Hikaru," said 002.
"Byakuya," said Kuwabara.
"Interesting," said Charles. "Kuwabara, why Byakuya instead of Hikaru?"
"Personally, I dislike both, so I flipped a coin."
"Well, Kuwabara, I don't care for you either," said Byakuya.
"Your problem is that your face is number than Orlando Bloom's."
"Unlike Bloom, I can change my facial expression when I need to. But none of my scenes have called for it, so I'm hoping I can get a part in something else."
"It doesn't matter," said Charles. "Hikaru, you are the weakest link. Get the fuck out of here."
"I hate Tolle," said Hikaru. "He's a tool. That's his real name. Charles Tool."
"We're going to take a break," said Charles. "When we return, we will keep playing unless something happens!"
Part II
"And welcome back to The Weakest Link!" Charles said. "Because of what happened during the break, we will no longer be serving any popcorn."
"You mean poop-corn!" 002 laughed.
"Exactly," said Charles. "Out of a possible $4 000, our contestants have surprisingly banked nothing. We'll start the second round now. Put a minute and a half on the clock, and let us play...the Weakest Link! Byakuya, what day is it today?"
"...Tuesday."
"No, Monday. Kagome, where is Mexico City?"
"Where is Mexico City?"
"That's what I asked you."
"No, I've never heard of Mexico City. Is that a real place?"
"Forget it. 002..."
"Bank."
"Stop banking! Name an object you'd likely find in a kitchen."
"Hmmm, given how many items are these days, it would be hard to come up with a wrong answer, so I'll go for an emasculating insult."
"No, you won't. Kuwabara..."
"Nice vagina, Charles!" 002 called.
"Shut up, ass-fuck. Kuwabara, what color is a blue whale?"
"I think they're...uh...pass."
"Fine. Byakuya..."
"I have a question for you Charles."
"That's it, stop the clock."
"It's not worth stopping the clock over."
"It is for me. What the fuck do you want to ask me?"
"Do you believe in evolution?"
Charles looked at the camera. He took a deep breath, then threw his cue cards up.
"I stopped the game because one of the idiots playing this goddamn game wanted to ask me about evolution. EVOLUTION! That's it! Byakuya, I'm just going to throw your ass out now! Just get the hell out of my studio!"
"I have no comment on it," said Byakuya, "Because I know who Charles's eleventh grade physics teacher is, and Charles has as much authority here as that man did at his school."
"We'll return," said Charles, "After I consider putting a knife in my head."
Part III
"Welcome back," said Charles. "Once again, I would like to remind our viewers that this show is NOT family friendly. As you may have expected, no money has been banked. I'm now going to talk to the contestants a bit. Kagome. I do want you to know that unlike the others who have been eliminated, you won't win anything. I don't support WWE."
"That's biased, Charles."
"I know. At this point, everyone knows that I don't do these games fairly because the majority of the contestants are idiots. Kuwabara. While I think I like your charity best, you seriously need to win some money."
"But 002 will bank it."
"The bank only goes to whoever wins the game. He's not trying to win. And lastly, Asshole Boy."
"You know, Charles, I don't get why you always say this network is family friendly and you hardly say anything nice to anyone."
"I try to run a family friendly environment. People say what they say here and it's just the same as what they say in the world, and the world is a place that is cruel. Evil. Disgusting. The world is a vampire sent to drain...oh, I thought we were singing. Okay, let's get back to the game so that it's over. Put a minute on the clock and begin! Kagome, what color is purple?"
"I don't know."
"Pa. The. Tic. 002, I'm not asking you anything."
"A stapler."
"I said I'm not asking you a goddamn thing. Kuwabara, name a country involved in the Franco-Prussian War."
"Italy? No, Finland!"
"Both were wrong. Kagome..."
"Bank!" 002 called.
"Arrgh! Kagome, what kind of cheese comes from Switzerland?"
"French toast?"
"Did someone pay you to come up with that answer?"
"Yes."
"Okay, stop the clock." Charles looked at all the contestants. "I quit. Seriously, I quit." He tore up his cue cards and left the studio. He then came back to take Kagome away. "You're not winning anything, and I don't even want to do something nasty to you. The other two can fight or something."
"Let's decide this with Guitar Hero!" suggested 002. He and Kuwabara then spent the remainder of the show trying to survive on Hot for Teacher on expert.
I have no idea if I'll continue this one. It's pretty bad.