Chapter 3 – Goodbye

EDWARD POV

(as I was asked, I didn't write the story with bold characters anymore; thanks everyone for your nice reviews, I'll try to upload new chapters really quickly, since I have holiday now so I have more time to write)

Morning finally came; this had been the longest night of my entire existence. Alice was still sobbing, now and then, sitting on my lap, her head on my shoulder. I was there only with my body; my mind was far away, remembering all the happy moments spent with her. I tried not to say her name, because the ache that I felt ripped my already destroyed heart into millions of pieces.

Somehow, I managed to live in the past, to disconnect from the present; I noticed it took me a lot of effort, but I finally made it. And in this state of oblivion I was close to happiness. Not a complete one, though, because the memory of her, lying on the floor, eyes closed and her body motionless, was still fresh in my mind; but something close to the feeling I had every time I was with her.

I've remembered the incredible moments spent in our meadow; the touch of her soft skin, tracing the lines of my face, the brilliancy in her eyes, the touch of her lips against mine… these were my most precious moments, and I had to keep them, no matter what. I've remembered that first night in her room, when she said my name in her sleep, and when I've felt that my love was too strong to be ignored; and all the other nights, in which she said she loved me and repeated my name again and again.

But when I reached to the closest happy memory I had with her, I gasped, unable to control myself. It was the afternoon before her birthday party, when we watched together Romeo and Juliet. She'd told me that, no matter what happened to her, I should still continue to live. It was like she knew or she felt something. But how was I supposed to survive without her?

The sound of the door opening interrupted my thoughts, and the fragile state of happiness vanished. It was Carlisle who entered, his expression sober and somehow calm.

"They found Bella this morning." He announced, and the sound of her name produced me a new pain, harder than the other; the ache pierced my heart. It was physically painful to hear her name. "She was found by a man who was driving to work; he called an ambulance and the police immediately. Charlie arrived there first – he is still in shock. Me and Esme went there, to see if we could help. We called Renee – she and Phil are on their way here. Charlie just wanted to know how she felt before she died; we were the last persons to see her alive. I told him the truth – that she was happy, though a little annoyed by Alice's exaggeration. He wishes to talk to you two, though; he said that you're the only ones who loved Bella as much as he did, but I've told him you're too shocked and there is no way you could handle this right now. I guess the funeral will be tomorrow." He trailed off, noticing that none of us had reacted at his news. Alice still had her head on my shoulder, like she was sleeping. I was looking far away, my eyes blank. He tried to say something else, but gave up and got out of the room.

I've heard every single word; I've also heard his thoughts, and I read the pain he endured when he had to lie to Charlie, knowing that his own son has brought him into this condition. But I just didn't care now. I couldn't find the strength to grieve for her loss anymore. I was empty.

Alice moved a little, just to watch into my eyes. I don't know what she saw there, but she started patting my arm, softly, in another attempt to comfort me.

I don't even have the strength to talk, she thought. We should go, you know. Tomorrow. At the funeral. It will be good for us to see her one last time.

I just shuddered, but I was convinced I couldn't handle another minute seeing her motionless body lying in a coffin.

The rest of the day passed in the same way. I sank into my sea of oblivion, unwilling to feel the pain anymore. When the night came, the cruelty of the truth hit me.

Jasper wasn't the one to blame for Bella's death. I was the only one responsible for everything that had happened to her; if I hadn't appeared in her life, she would've lived happy. It was all my fault that she was even at that party. After all, I was a monster, belonging to the world of horror stories. She was just human – mortal, fragile. I should have left when I still could – I should've ran far away from here and not seeing her again. Instead, as the selfish creature that I am, I let her fall in love with me, unconditionally and irrevocably. The pain that this truth brought with it was so huge, that I felt, once again, the need to run and never come back. Alice felt the change and looked at me, disoriented.

What's wrong?

"I just realized…" I gasped. "I am the only one to blame for her death. This is just my fault! I let myself carried away and didn't think at the consequences!! How could I bring her into this world of vampires? If I would've loved her as I should have, I would've ran away since the first time I felt that attraction towards her blood. I am the only responsible."

Edward. No one is responsible here. It was nobody's fault; it was an accident. Who would've thought this would happen? Do not blame yourself for this. You already suffer so much – why do you insist in torturing yourself even more?

"But can't you see it? Why did I had to fall in love with her? Why did I had to allow her falling in love with me? I am guilty, Alice, and you can say nothing to make me change my opinion."

She watched me in disbelief, terror in her eyes, but kept quiet. The power of this revelation was still strong, and it was impossible for me to sink again into the oblivion. All night I couldn't strop thinking about this; it was only my fault and I couldn't understand how I could've blamed Jasper for this. I was a murderer, I was responsible that she wasn't here with me anymore, smiling her breathtaking smile and touching me with her soft fingers.

When the second morning without my love came, I was devastated. My whole body hurt, and my heart ached me every two minutes. Alice had tried all night to make me feel better, but there was no way. I've decided to go to the funeral, though, because I wanted to do something for her – something special.

Downstairs, I could hear all my family preparing, so there was no much time left. Alice ran to her room to get dressed, and, after one minute, we were both downstairs, where it seemed to be a little conflict. Rage overwhelmed me again when I saw everybody dressed in black – except from Rosalie. She was hissing something at Emmett, who was trying to convince her.

"Why should I go? She meant nothing to me. Just another annoying human; it's not my fault she died. I don't want to go and pretend to be suffering for her loss; as a matter of fact, I think it's better she's gone."

I roared, showing my teeth at her. Emmett placed himself in front of her immediately. I could see it in his thoughts – though Rosalie's words had hurt him too, he was going to protect her, no matter what. I wasn't planning to destroy my family more than I already had, so I tried to calm myself. Alice hugged my shoulders and Esme took my hand into hers.

"Rose." Carlisle said. "If you don't want to go, nobody is forcing you. But do not talk like this about Bella when she's not here to defend herself. Do not besmear her memory."

I didn't want to listen anymore; I turned around and darted out of the room, went to the garage and got into my Volvo. As I was about to drive away, Alice came and sat down on the passenger seat.

"I want to go with you", she whispered. "The others are in Carlisle's car. Rose's not coming."

"Better." I hissed. "Bella wouldn't want her to be there."

She just nodded as I was driving fast though the city. When I reached at the chapel, pain hit me again. I was about to see her lying there, without moving. My whole world was gone forever. I put my head into my palms and stayed like that for a couple of minutes, with Alice sobbing quietly next to me. Finally, we got down; Carlisle and Esme were talking to Charlie and Renee. Renee was crying, devastated, while Charlie was trying to be strong. When he saw me and Alice, he ran to us and hugged us tightly.

"Thank you so much, Edward, for making her last months of her life so happy. If it hadn't been for you, she would've died without knowing how real happiness felt like. And thank you, Alice, for being like a sister to her. I know how much she loved you both." He trailed off, unable to speak about her anymore.

If it hadn't been for me, she wouldn't have been dead now. She would've been healthy, going to school like any other day. I refused to think about this anymore, because I was going to collapse right there, in the middle of the street. I looked around, noticing for the first time how many people came to bring her one last tribute. People that didn't even knew her, some neighbors, and almost everybody from school. I saw Angela and Jessica crying , while Ben and Mike were holding them into their arms, trying to comfort them. I wasn't able to comfort my Bella anymore. I will never be able to keep her in my arms and hug her when she cries.

Alice patted my arm, softly.

Edward, Charlie said the family will get the chance to see her first. He wants all of us to go with him. Do you think you can handle it?

I nodded, then followed her into the little chapel. In the middle of the room, there was a coffin – nobody near it. I made a few more steps until I reached to it, but seeing her there, lying without life in her body, destroyed me irremediably. I collapsed next to the coffin, into my knees, watching her face for the last time. It still had that peaceful expression; her eyes were closed. It was like she was sleeping and dreaming happy dreams. I noticed that she was wearing my favorite blue top. I sobbed deeply, then put my head onto the edge of the coffin to calm myself. I then stretched one hand to touch her face. She was so cold. I bent my head, getting closer to her, then touched her soft lips for one last time.

Knowing that I wasn't going to be able to resist much longer, I searched into my pocket for something I 'd brought for her. I took her hand into mine, and placed onto her finger a delicate golden ring.

"It had always belonged to you, my love. Since the first time I met you." I whispered. "I love you, my Bella. Wait for me." I said, even more quietly than before. I kissed her hand then let the others say goodbye, feeling that if I'd spend one more minute there, I wouldn't be able to control myself anymore. I saw Emmett approaching her coffin, terror on his face and into his thoughts. Bella was already like a little sister to him and he felt the need to protect her. Now, that she was dead, he thought that he had failed into his mission, and that he was the one responsible.

If I was more careful, Jasper wouldn't have escaped and wouldn't have bitten her. It's only my fault, and now she's dead! She's lying here, and she'll never make me laugh again. Only my damn fault!

Alice approached too, but at the sight of her best friend lying there, she crashed – she fell onto the floor and screamed.

"Bella, please, don't leave me! Bella, come back!"

Jasper ran to her and took her into his arms, taking her out of the chapel. I followed them, letting Carlisle and Esme say their goodbyes. As far as I was concerned, I just wanted to go home and continue grieving for her loss.