I got bored so I decided to update. I have a majority of this written now, so I just need a reasonable number of reviews to continue. Thanks to everyone that bothers to read the story! :P
Okay, you want to know my crazy plan that could get me sent to Juvy? I'll tell you:
Remember how in the beginning of these memoirs—whoa, I have a memoir—I said Mrs. O'Connor was my neighbor? She has an amazing living room set on her lawn that looks just like the furniture and decorations of Carly's living room. My plan was to jack that living room set—yes, I said jack a living room set for Pete's sake—and take it over to Bushwell Plaza and plant it in front of the apartment complex so that Spencer would see it when he went to run with the Marathon For Life runners. I had to time it just right, though, so spencer would see me as he left, and he had to be the first to see it, or else I'd be in serious trouble with the law, so I had to time it just right.
It was going to be difficult.
Luckily, I had Carly with me to help me out with this escapade. I figured I'd have to tell her sooner or later Spencer was the daddy of my baby, and…I chose then to do so. When I was driving (Carly persisted that she drove, considering she wasn't pregnant, but I refused; my ridiculous scheme, my car, my driving), I broke it to her. She took it reasonably well—she didn't try to strangle me—but I could tell she was shocked—who knew I'd have the hots for her brother? Gross, right—or is it just me that thinks that?
I slowed to a stop in front of Bushwell. I had the entire living room set in my trunk and backseat. We just had to arrange it on Carly's lawn. She even brought a picture of her and Spencer in the living room so we could everything just right. I had to hand it to her, she thought of everything.
We got out of the car and I threw open the trunk. I was driving my mom's beat up green Honda van. Okay, it wasn't beat up, but it wasn't new. Just…used.
Me and Carly struggled to pick up an exact replica of her couch. We made a formidable team. We nearly tripped every three steps. But then again, I was the only one making sure we weren't running into anything (Carly had her back on Bushwell) and I wasn't exactly graceful to begin with.
"Heavy lifting can only help you at this point," Carly said. Did she have to bring up the pregnancy every five seconds? Sheesh.
I grunted. "That is sick, man."
Carly started laughing, doing a perfect impersonation of Freddork.
"So, you were bored? Is that how this blessed miracle came to be?"
"Nah, it was a premeditated act," I replied, careful to avoid a fallen branch on the ground as we walked. I didn't want to trip. Suddenly I realize what it sounded like I said, so I finished in a hurry, "The sex, I mean, not getting pregnant."
"This is awkward talking about my brother having sex with my best friend," Carly said, smirking though she didn't think it was actually very funny.
"Agreed," I said, even though it was my sex life.
"So when did you decide you were going to do my brother?" Carly asked in humor that I wasn't sure if it was genuine or mock.
"Like, a year ago on iCarly."
Spencer had come on iCarly. We had put three bowls—one with golf balls, one with meatballs, and one with warm water—in front of him. I wasn't sure what the point of the segment was, all I remember is that Spencer was blindfolded, but Spencer put his hand on mine, our signal that he was trying to tell me something that he couldn't say out loud. We didn't make it obvious that we touched, it was under the table. I looked down for a split second and saw a note, and gingerly and slyly I picked it up, reading it under the table. I looked up, smiling at Spencer, though it looked like I was smiling at the segment.
Carly stopped walking. I had to dig my heels into the ground to keep from falling flat on my face, as I hadn't expected the sudden stop. "You love him," Carly said matter-of-factly.
"It's extremely complicated, and I'd rather not talk about it in my fragile state," I said, hoping to end it there. However, that wasn't what Carly wanted. We finally put the couch down in just the right spot. We walked back to the van to get the next piece of furniture, which was practically a clone of Carly's coffee table.
"So, what was it like humping Spencer's bony bod?"
I have to admit I was shocked by that question. It was so unlike Carly to ask. Plus, it was about a subject that I had tried to change, and…well, it was private, and Carly's brother! But I couldn't lie to her.
I heard myself cry out, "It was magnificent, man!" If I wasn't helping Carly take the coffee table over, I would have clasped both hands over my mouth. This was Spencer we were talking about, not the latest movie in theaters.
Carly laughed and I nearly dropped the coffee table on her foot.
The next morning I got a text from Carly saying Spencer was up. I darted to the couch in front of Bushwell. Here goes nothing…
Spencer's typical daily routine was to wake up, put on his Marathon For Life uniform thing, put on some deodorant stick thing, and make a hot pocket to eat for breakfast. Oh, yes, very eventful…
He walked outside, stretched for a moment, clutching his hot pocket in his hand. It looked like he had taken about two bites. Oh, yum, a hot pocket sounded good…but I couldn't get distracted. Spencer looked startled to see me. It was obvious on his face. I sat on the couch, officiously chewing on the end of a pipe. I have no idea why I kept it. It was tucked in between the cushions in the couch I nabbed, and who knows who used it before me?
"Hey Spence," I greeted to his shocked expression. It wasn't every day you saw the girl you 'accidentally' lost your virginity to sitting in front of your apartment complex with an exact replica of your living room around her. That's probably why he gave me the weird look coming out the door. He probably thought I took his entire living room out onto the front lawn of Bushwell Plaza.
"Hey, cool couch. Looks loud," he said, at a loss for words. I don't blame him. It was a strange sight.
"Yeah, I swiped it from Mrs. O'Connor," I said proudly.
"Cool." He didn't have anything else to say.
"Your shorts are looking especially gold today," I said, trying desperately to make small talk.
"Carls uses color safe bleach."
"Go, Carly." I hoped this wasn't bothering him as much as it was bothering me. His eyes bore into my head. He eyed the pipe suspiciously; I cocked an eyebrow. "So guess what?" I said, taking the pipe out of my mouth entirely.
He shrugged. "I don't know…"
"I'm pregnant." Stunned silence filled the air. I put my feet up on the wood armrest of the couch, rotating myself so that I was lying on the couch but still facing Spencer. He didn't know what to say and he looked like he was going to pass out. He was losing color from his cheeks.
"I guess so," he said lamely. He started to fidget with his wristbands. "What are you going to do?"
The Marathon For Life runners ran by. I turned to look at them. They were so lame. They waved and hollered at us, telling Spencer to go join them. I raised my eyebrows quickly, then my eyes darted to their shorts. When I see them running like that, with their…things bouncing around in their shorts, I always picture them naked even if I don't want to. All I see are intrusive thoughts.
"You know I'm supposed to be running," Spencer told me.
"I know."
The silence was more awkward than anything else I had ever experienced, other than sharing my first kiss with Freddie and breaking up with him a week later, then still trying to be friends—yeah, I dated Freddork secretly for a week. It didn't go well so I went to Spencer, and…well, you know where we're at.
"So, what do you think we should do?" Spencer asked nervously.
"I thought I might, you know, nip it in the bud before it gets worse. Because I heard in health class that pregnancy often results in an infant." Wow. That was a really stupid speech. The only time an infant didn't result was when there was a miscarriage or abortion. I was getting the abortion, of course, but still…it was stupid of me to say.
"Yeah, wizard, I guess. I mean that's often what happens when moms and teachers get pregnant. You just do what you think is right, I guess."
"I'm real sorry I had sex with you," I said, getting up and crossing to my bike. Carly and I kept it well hidden. It was in with the furniture but hidden from view, until I picked it up. "I know it wasn't your idea."
"Whose idea was it?" I kicked up the kickstand.
"See you at your apartment," I said, mounting my bike and taking off.
"Whose idea was it…?" Spencer mumbled to no one in particular as I left.
I pushed my crappy bike into the bike rack once I got to Ridgeway, winding my lock around it. My lock was even cheaper than my bike. As I walked into school I passed three nerds playing a live-action RPG. One spoke to the others as I passed.
"…You did not! You don't have the armor. That Orc Armor you bought from the wizard doesn't have the power level to parry my hit!"
I snorted as I passed. "Dorks."
I tried to push through the masses, but the throng of students was thick and unyielding. I often had to shove the people in front of me to get through. No one seemed to notice me. Period.
I unlocked my locker and started to rummage through it. My locker was plastered with pictures of Carly and Spencer, plus a giant poster of Cuttlefish from their heyday. I grabbed my dilapidated physics textbook. A few papers—old assignments half done that I hadn't bothered to turn in—were shoved precariously in the book. I dropped my book and it fell apart. I sighed, kneeling down to pick them up, when none other than Alexander Maxwell—the same asshole who harassed me on my way to the drugstore—passed by. He slowed slightly when he saw me, in attempt to harass me again.
"Hey, your book fell apart!" he said. Real-ly?!
"Yeah," I said, gathering the papers while still looking at him.
"It must have seen your face. PWAH!" he said, finally leaving. I rolled my eyes. What an idiot. He high-fived other jocks.
The funny thing is that Alexander Maxwell secretly wants me. Jocks like him always want freaky girls. Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and Goth make-up. Girls who play the cello and wear Converse All-Stars and want to be children's librarians when they grow up. Oh, yeah, jocks totally eat that shit up. They just won't admit it because they're supposed to be into perfect cheerleaders like Carly. Who, incidentally, pretends to be into teachers so they'll leave her alone.
I looked down the hall at Carly. She was talking with a teacher, and in the distance, I could make out a fuzzy sentence of their conversation:
"Me too! I love Woody Allen!
Alexander—I mean Maxwell, I reminded myself for the bazillionth time—looked back at me for a moment, with a look of mixed feelings on his face. He then continued on.
I slammed my locker as I went to my first class, physics. I got there in the nick of time—I walked in about ten seconds before the teacher did, and the bell rang as the teacher waltzed in. I walked towards my desk and set down my bag as the teacher started talking.
"People!" he said, getting attention that he really shouldn't have wanted. "We're doing our photo magnetism lab today, so find your partners and break out into fours."
My partner was Freddie, and we still haven't officially gotten over the whole dating thing yet, so this class was awkward. Sound the gong of awkwardness!
We head separately over to an available lab station and unpack our bags in silence. Like I said, awkward.
"Well!" I said, breaking the silence in mock and real interest combined. "Nothing like experimenting."
"I did the prep questions for this lab last night," Freddork says, taking a paper out of the rings of his binder. "You can copy my answers if you need to." He slides the paper over to me. He doesn't look at me.
"Oh, I couldn't copy your work," I said, even though I copy his work every week.
"But you copy my work every week," Fredweird reminds me.
"Oh, yeah, I'm kind of a deadbeat lab partner, huh?" I asked, thinking to myself, What am I saying?
"I don't mind. You definitely bring something to the table."
"Charisma?" Ironic, a synonym of charisma is magnetism, and the lab we were doing was photo magnetism. Ha. The irony.
"Or something," he muttered as another pair joined us at our lab station. They were a humorless couple. It was Jonah and Wendy. I wanted to punch Jonah in the face—not only did he want to kiss Carly while we were dating, but he was also seeing Wendy behind my back. Not happy.
"So, who's ready for some photo magnificence?" I asked, breaking the silence.
"I have a menstrual migraine so I can't look at bright lights today," Wendy said. TMI, much?
"Wendy, I told you to go to the infirmary and lie down. You never listen," Jonah said vehemently. Catfight. Both me and Freduardo pretended not to be interested.
"No, Jonah, I don't take orders. Not from you and not from any man." Ooh, that one was cold…
"You know, you've been acting like this since I went up to see my brother at Mankato. I told you, nothing happened!" I could only imagine what did happen that Jonah was keeping from her.
"Something happened. Because your eyes? Are very cold. They're very cold, Jonah. They're cold, lying eyes." How could someone's eyes be lying? I made a mental note of it for the next time I lied.
"What? My eyes are not lying!" Oh. So maybe it was fake.
"Yes they are Jonah. Since Mankato, they have been lying eyes." Or maybe it was real…
Fredward and I observed the argument like tennis spectators, fascinated by the dynamics of a real couple. If we'd only know that junk when we were a couple…
"Okay…" Freddie said, trying to change the subject and get on task. "…I'm going to set up the apparatus. Sam, want to get a C-clamp out of that drawer?"
Before I had a chance to respond, Wendy said, "I'm going to the infirmary." To me it seemed like she was just trying to get out the lab rather than recover from a migraine.
"Good! Call me when you're off the rag!" Jonah said. A few people turned to look at him.
"Fine. Call me when you learn how to love just one person and not cheat at your brother's college just because you had four Smirnoff Ices and a bottle of Snow Peak Peach Flavored Boone's!" She stormed off.
"Good, I'll be sure to do that, Wendy. I'll make a note of it." He scribbled a note violently in his notebook, slamming his pen down when he was done. Yikes.
Trying to lighten the mood, I said, "I've heard peace is the best flavor of Boone's. Is that right, Freddork?" I added, just to make sure I didn't make a mistake.
Freddie reddened and continued to set up the apparatus thing. Wendy came back, snatched her bag, and stalked off dramatically. Freddie shook his head and rifled through his textbook.
And yes, it was a long period that day.
Okay, that's all for now. Please review.
Eeveelution-Fangirl: I love Juno and iCarly too. Best shit made. :) And a lot of characters are going to be OOC in this story, but mainly Carly and Freddie, with the occasional Sam and Spencer. Thanks for reviewing! :P