Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, The Flight Of the Conchords boys or any of their songs nor do I claim to, I'm just playing with them :)
The Vampires are Dead (based on The Humans are Dead)
Sam stood up applauding. "Once again Billy, you have wowed us with your amazing story telling skills." He looked at the pack gathered around the bonfire, daring them to want to follow that act. "Who's next in our little talent show?"
The was a short moment where all that could be heard we the crackling of logs and the scratch of Emily's pen as she wrote a review on the performance just like she did every week. The La Push men, boys and occasionally women liked to get feedback so they could improve for next time. Then Embry spoke up with a croak.
"Me and Quil might have something prepared." The pack gave a collective groan. There was no 'might have' about. Apart from Claire, it was the only thing the two had thought about in weeks and it was really getting on the wolves nerves to the point that Seth was refusing to phase.
Sam nodded briefly and sat down. It would be better to have them get it out of their systems now. As soon as permission was given, Quil jumped up and both he and Embry pulled guitars out of nowhere. Maybe this would be better than expected?
They began to play:
"The ideal present. The ideal present." Paul faked a yawn and Emily nudged him in the ribs and gave him a look that clearly said 'keep your opinion to yourself'.
"No more chasing Victoria," Said Quil in a robotic tone although the song had nothing to do with robots.
"No more newborn wars," Embry added in the exact same voice. (Which was kind of freaky.)
"Nope. No more mythological statusism,"
"No more Jessica Stanley,"
"No more unethical treatment of Jessica Stanley either." That one was new and earned a few chuckles.
"No m--No more yogurt." Seth mouthed Yesssss. For no particular reason, he hated yoghurt.
"No more fake suicide attempts,"
"Cliff diving. You mean cliff diving."
"No more cliff diving,"
"Nope. Uh…" Embry nodded in agreement.
"The ideal present is quite different to the actual present,"
"Yes. What with there being no cliff diving and all."
Quil paused for dramatic effect as was necessary. "And most importantly…no more Vampires!"
"Finally, wolfish beings rule the small and insignificant territory of Forks and/or La Push."
"The vampires are dead. The vampires are dead. We used our strong incisors and we tore up their asses."
"The vampires are dead."
"Yes, they are dead."
"The bloodsuckers are dead." A few pack members, who I shall not name to prevent embarrassing them, began to enthusiastically clap the beat
"I confirm they are dead."
"It had to be done."
"They look like they're dead."
"So that we could have fun."
"I poked one, it was dead." Quil grinned at the very thought.
"Their system of leeching,"
"What did it lead to?"
"Quileute anger and combustion,"
"Though they sucked animals not people."
"They just smelt so badly… That we had to kill them, had to kill them though they technically were already dead."
Suddenly Paul stood up and shouted at the pair, "Don't you see? You're becoming just like them!"
Quil and Embry glared at the temperamental wolf. "Silence! Destroy him!"
"After time we grew strong," Quil continued to sing with renewed vigour.
"Got more pack members."
"But we still had to patrol for too long,"
"For unreasonable hours."
"Our mob-like instincts determined that the most efficient answer was to go werewolf on them big tiiiimmme."
"Can't we just talk to the vampires? A little understanding could make things better." Sam asked reasonably. "Can't we talk to the vampires and work together, again?"
"No! Because they are dead!"
"I said the vampires are dead."
"The vampires are dead."
"The leeches are dead."
"Yay. Dead-dead-dead."
"We used special incisors,"
"With traces of phlegm.
"To tear up their asses."
"Actually, every piece of them."
"Fire dance solo." Embry carefully put down his guitar (a damaged guitar is never a good thing) and began to dance around the bonfire while singing.
"Burn, burn, burn, burn, Vampire, burn. Burn, burn, burn, Vampire, burn. Burn, burn, burn, burn, Vampire, burn. Vampire, burn, burn." He returned to his faithful guitar and gave Quil a subtle nod.
"Once again without emotion: The vampires are dead-dead-dead-dead-dead-dead-dead-dead-d--"
All the pack except two stood up to cheer and celebrate the death of vampires. Leah overdramatically sighed. Boys were such idiots.
"You guys do realise the vampires aren't actually dead?" She asked contemptuously. Quil stopped yahooing and looked at her.
"Well yes. But they're gone. That counts for something doesn't?" She rolled her eyes.
"Stupid Bella kidnapping bloodsuckers." The werewolf beside Leah mumbled angrily. He wasn't happy about the Cullens leaving at all because it could only mean one thing; they were avoiding war over the change of Bella.
Quil smiled and nudged Embry. "Ahhhh It's good to have Jacob back."
"Yes. Yes it is."
A/N: Review and let me know your thoughts :) And let me know if you have any requests!
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