Author's Note: This chapter proved quite difficult to write. The song expresses Scorpius's thoughts and emotions so well it was difficult to elaborate on that, and it was also difficult to actually think of scenes and action for the chapter, since the song is entirely thoughts and feelings. I also love this song, so I wanted to do it justice, which I don't think I really did, but I am as satisfied with this chapter as I think I'll ever be. So here is the next chapter.

-SQ

Disclaimer: I could not have possibly come up with either Harry Potter or the song Living Alive, I'm just borrowing them.

Chapter Four: Room to Breathe

Scorpius let Montague refill his glass of vodka punch and took a sip of the strong, fruity liquid. He had never much liked alcohol before; his parents only drank very fancy, very dry wine that Scorpius found bitter and not at all nice, but he'd recently discovered that mixed drinks were much more to his taste.

Scorpius did not hold his alcohol well. It only took one drink to get him tipsy, two and he was decidedly unsteady on his feet, three and he was pretty much wasted. Right now he was on his fourth.

It wasn't that he was becoming an alcoholic; he didn't drink every day, or even every other day, but most weekends someone or other in Slytherin house pulled out a few bottles of good stuff and most of the upper years had at it. Scorpius hadn't been a part of this before, but now that he didn't have Albus's group of friends to hang out with, he naturally fell in with his fellow Slytherins.

And Scorpius found that he enjoyed being drunk. It was quite impossible to worry about anything once you had a few shots of hard liquor in your system, and when he went to bed afterwards there was zero chance of being kept up by thoughts or nightmares; alcohol made him sleep like the dead. Of course, the hangovers were a bitch, but Kevin Goldstein made a Hangover Potion that worked wonders.

Kevin himself slid in beside Scorpius on the couch and looked him over. "Man are you ever gonna need one of my potions tomorrow," he said, shaking his head at the other blond. "Maybe I should start charging."

Scorpius gave his new friend an unfocused grin and lifted his glass, sloshing dark pink liquid over the side. "Awww, you wouldn' do tha'," he slurred. "You like see'ng me drunk. Free en-te-ra-tain-ment."

Kevin shook his head in amusement and took a sip of his own drink. "At least you're a happy drunk, Scorp,"

Scorpius frowned. Somewhere in the back of his alcohol-addled brain was a voice telling him that he didn't like this nickname anymore. But the idea slipped away before he could fully grasp it, and he shrugged and took another sip of his punch, as much of it ending up on the couch as in his mouth.

*****LA*****

Scorpius woke the next morning with a blinding headache.

"Kevin..." he moaned, shielding his eyes from the morning light with his hands and attempting to sit up. The movement sent a wave of nausea through him that he barely managed to contain.

"Right here," said Kevin's voice as the boy himself approached Scorpius's bed and pressed a cup into his hands.

"Not so loud," protested Scorpius, wincing at the sound of his friend's voice.

"Just drink it," commanded Kevin.

Scorpius drank. The potion tasted vile, but after a minute or two Scorpius was able to sit up without the world spinning like a top.

"I'll never see what you find so attractive about getting totally pissed." said Kevin, pulling on his trousers.

Scorpius selected a shirt from his neatly organized trunk. "It's fun. No worried, no thoughts, no inhibitions. Besides, I sleep better when I'm drunk."

Kevin shook his curly head. "Are you sure this isn't about Potter?"

"I've told you it's not," Scorpius snapped.

"Because if it is," continued Kevin, undeterred, "then you're probably playing right into his hands."

Scorpius scowled at his friend. "This doesn't have anything to do with Albus," he said. "I just like getting drunk. And I'm not 'playing into his hands'. He's not malicious, Kevin, he hasn't got a mean bone in his body. There weren't any ulterior motives on either side. We broke up. End of story."

"Right," said Kevin, sounding thoroughly unconvinced.

Scorpius mentally groaned. He and Albus had broken up two months ago and still people wouldn't let it rest. Of course "we broke up" wasn't the whole story, but not in the way people insisted on thinking. Everyone seemed to be convinced that either Albus had dumped Scorpius expecting him to return to his old masochistic ways, or that Scorpius had dumped Albus with the intention of hurting the big-hearted Gryffindor. Some even went so far as to say that one or the other of them had only dated the other so that they could "break" them. This resulted in the Slytherins either being sympathetic or congratulatory, and the Gryffindors, who mostly appeared to be of the second opinion, being hostile.

Scorpius descended the stairs into the common room.

"Sleeping beauty awakens," said Xander from the sofa, smiling at Scorpius and beckoning him over. "How did the conqueror sleep?"

"Conqueror?" said Scorpius, whose head was still feeling a little foggy; Kevin's potion was magical, not miraculous.

Xander grinned. "Of course! The only person ever to break the might Potter!"

Scorpius scowled. "Nobody broke anybody," he said. "That was never our intention."

These protests fell on deaf ears, however; it was impossible to get people to believe that the goal hadn't been to leave one of them broken. They had both sacrificed something. Albus had given up his own half of the relationship in order to break it off, something Scorpius admitted he had been unable to do. And Scorpius knew it hurt Albus to do it. At least it had then. But it hadn't been Scorpius who had hurt him. Not directly anyway, and not intentionally.

Scorpius sighed. The whole idea in breaking up with Albus was so that they would have some space. But there was barely room for Scorpius to breathe without some mention of Albus, which was making it incredibly difficult for Scorpius not to think about his ex-boyfriend.

In truth, Scorpius was still adjusting to life without Albus. It had taken him a good while to become accustomed to life with the Gryffindor as his boyfriend, and now he had to un-accustom himself to it; not the easiest thing to do. He felt incomplete without Albus, as though a vital part of himself were missing, probably because so much of who he was had been shaped by the other boy. Scorpius saw couples breaking up left and right, and they always seemed to find their feet fairly quickly; so what was wrong with him?

The most frustrating thing about it was that he liked his life now, he really did; he had friends, enjoyed his classes, liked most of his teachers; he was finally a normal teenager. He would have been perfectly happy, with a life that was better than he could have ever hoped just three years ago, if it wasn't for his memories of what he no longer had with Albus.

Albus himself certainly seemed to be adjusting fine. Somehow breaking up with Scorpius had turned him into a teenage heartthrob, someone girls were almost afraid to approach because of his potency, and yet whom they were inexorably drawn to.

"Er...h-hi, Albus," said a Hufflepuff third year breathlessly, gazing almost in awe into Albus's face. "I—I just wanted to tell you...great job in the Quidditch game yesterday. You were amazing."

"Er, thanks," said Albus, smiling down at the girl.

She blushed and fled back to her group of friends.

Scorpius shook his head, trying to control his laughter. They didn't know Albus at all, obviously. Albus wasn't comfortable with this hero worship thing, and he wasn't intimidating or awe-inspiring. Adorable, yes, but where had he gotten the dangerous reputation? Albus wouldn't hurt a fly.

Scorpius laughed again, this time without humor. Who was he to judge how dangerous Albus was? He was exhibit A: an example of what happened to people who got too close to the metaphoric sun which was Albus Severus Potter.

Scorpius watched Albus sit down at the Gryffindor table, surrounded by his gang of family and friends. When will this end, Albus? He asked silently. Every day he looked toward Albus, hoping that that would be the day that he no longer felt the pull of the other boy, no longer felt the connection between them, binding them together even at this distance; hoping that today would be the day that he could no longer feel Albus's presence when he walked into a room. So far that day hadn't come.

We have our whole lives ahead of us, he told himself severely. And we're both better off without the other one to hold us back. Eventually my heart will realize that. I hope.

*****LA*****

"Scorpius," said Kevin, catching his hand as he stirred his potion, "that was twenty stirs, time to go counter-clockwise."

"Oh. Right. Thanks," said Scorpius, flushing and hurriedly turning his gaze back to his potion and away from a certain black-haired Gryffindor.

What is your problem, Scorpius? He asked himself angrily. You're like a moth with a flame; like all those other idiots who fawn over precious Potter. He gave his potion his best Malfoy sneer. He has no power over me anymore, he told himself. And, really, he could almost believe it.

*****LA*****

It was Friday afternoon. Scorpius was supposed to be in Transfiguration, but he hadn't been in the mood, so he was skipping out to take a solo stroll around the grounds. This was one of the things he had missed the most without even realizing it: having time to himself; simply being alone. Before Albus (and why did he always date things in his life as 'before Albus' and 'after Albus'?) he had, of course, been too alone, but after Albus (again. Maybe he should create a new calendar system) he had rarely had a moment to himself. He hadn't even realized how much he had missed the solitary times until he had them back.

It was late April; warm during the days but still cool in the evenings. Scorpius had changed out of his robes and only wore a pair of jeans, a T-shirt, and a zip-up hoodie, as the sun had yet to go down and the air was still pleasantly warm.

Suddenly someone came up and linked arms with Scorpius.

"Would you like some company?"

Scorpius looked down at the smiling redhead.

"Shouldn't you be in class, Lily?"

"Class," said Lily with a contemptuous snort. "If you can call sitting through that old ghost's dismally boring lectures 'class'. Anyway, shouldn't you be in class?"

Scorpius shrugged. "I didn't feel like going."

"Well neither did I," said Lily.

Scorpius shook his head. "I'm a bad influence on you."

"I can make my own decisions, thank you very much," said Lily sniffily. "I am nearly fifteen." Then her expression softened. "How are you, Scorp?"

Scorpius smiled at her. "I'm alright."

She patted his arm. "You'll find someone else. I don't see why every gay guy in Hogwarts isn't falling over his feet to get to you first; you're by far the most beautiful boy in Slytherin house, at least. Probably in the entire school. I just might be interested if I didn't know you were gay.

Scorpius ruffled the girl's hair. "As flattering as that is Lily, I'll pass. And I don't think 'beautiful' is really the standard most gay guys are looking for."

Scorpius heard voices from up ahead. He and Lily rounded a corner and came upon a group of students laughing and chatting.

Gryffindors. Of course, the sixth year Gryffindors had a free period, and it was just Scorpius's luck that he would run into them.

The Gryffindors hadn't seen him and Lily. They were too busy paying attention to the center of their little group: Albus, who else?

Lily laid a hand on Scorpius's arm to keep him back, but there was no need. Scorpius just shook his head. The short, dark-haired boy was always surrounded by a flock of friends and admirers. Didn't he ever get tired of it? Didn't he ever just want to be alone for a little while? The other boy didn't even have to try; people gathered around him because he was just so welcoming. He invited them and they came, and all it took was a few words from the popularity king to keep them coming back. He was like a god; they worshiped him, and he reached out his hand to bless them and ensure that they would continue orbiting around him like their very own personal sun.

Careful, thought Scorpius darkly, you might get burned.

Albus ran his fingers through his messy hair in a gesture that was as intimately familiar to Scorpius as the laugh that accompanied it.

It was the little things like that that Scorpius had the hardest time getting over. Not even the snogging or the sex. Just things like the way the other boy stood, weight shifted slightly onto his right hip, left arm hanging awkwardly at his side as though it were used to fitting itself around someone else's waist.

Ah, thought Scorpius. So his body hasn't completely forgotten me yet. The thought gave him a bitter sort of satisfaction.

The crowd around Albus laughed with him. Scorpius wondered what would happen if Albus cut them all lose. Would they wander around like little lost puppy dogs? Or would Albus himself be the one to fall, when he was no longer being held up by all the others? Scorpius had never seen him without a big pack of friends and family around him, except when they had been alone together. He didn't think Albus could survive on his own. He'd like to see him try.

That's one thing I'm better at than you, Scorpius thought toward the black-haired boy. Being independent.

As if he could sense the thoughts Scorpius was directing at him, Albus looked up and met the Slytherin's eyes. There was a time when Scorpius would have looked away, but now he stared back defiantly.

Albus was the first to avert his eyes. He turned back to the girl he had been talking to and said clearly, "Sure, I'd love to go to Hogsmeade with you this weekend. It's a date." And his left arm slid neatly around the girl's waist as though it had always belonged there.

Scorpius felt as though Albus had just socked him in the gut. He wrenched his arm away from Lily's grasp and took off blindly toward the castle, his only thought to get as far away from everyone else as possible.

"Scorpius! Scorp! Wait!"

Lily's feet pounded after him, but Scorpius ignored her; this had started out as a solitary walk, and right now Scorpius needed to be alone.

*****LA*****

Scorpius didn't even realize he was crying until he was back in his four-poster in the Slytherin dormitories. Until now, Albus had rejected every advance anyone had made on him, boy or girl, but now he had accepted. Another person had quite literally taken Scorpius's place by Albus's side. This finalized their break-up the way nothing else had. Scorpius realized that he had still kind of thought of Albus as his, or of himself as Albus's. But that just wasn't true anymore. And, however much he wanted to—and right now, oh how he wanted to—he couldn't take it back, couldn't rewind to when they were together. Maybe it had been a mistake, but he wasn't even sure which part of it was the mistake, or which one of them had made it, and it was certainly too late to do anything about it now.

But oh how I wish I could just take it back... If I could just figure out what 'it' was...

Finally, Scorpius raised his head and looked at the clock. It was early still, still time to catch dinner if he hurried, but he didn't feel like going down to the Great Hall right now, and he wasn't hungry. He pulled his pillow over his head, but sleep wouldn't come, thoughts were swirling around in his head like twigs caught in a whirlpool.

This is why I get drunk, he thought, so I don't have to think about things and I can actually get some sleep.

Predominantly his thoughts were of Albus, as they often were. In the part of his brain that could still appreciate humor he found it ironic that, in a way, he took his former boyfriend with him to bed more often now that they had broken up than he ever had when they were together. It was at these times that all the doubts surfaced. What if everything Albus had said was true? What if the things other people said were true? Had he been taking advantage of Albus? Had Albus been taking advantage of him? Maybe things would still be okay with them if he hadn't stopped meeting Albus outside Gryffindor Tower, or if he had never started meeting him there in the first place. Or if he had never taken up with Montague, or if he had made a clean break between them to begin with. Or if he had insisted that he and Albus talk it out. Maybe he hadn't fought hard enough for his boyfriend. Or maybe he had fought too hard.

In his mind Scorpius had played out all of the different scenarios a hundred times over, but every single one ended in him and Albus splitting up. Maybe they just weren't meant to be.

Scorpius sat up, resigning himself to the fact that he wouldn't be falling asleep right then. He'd simply have to move on, that was all there was to it. Secretly he had been harboring hopes that Albus still wanted him, but obviously that wasn't the case. He was dating girls now, and he would probably find them more to his taste than boys, most boys did.

Scorpius wiped his eyes; Malfoys didn't cry, and it certainly wouldn't do for Kevin and the rest of his roommates to see him like this. He had had two and a half great years with Albus. Okay, they hadn't been perfect, but they had been wonderful, and he should be thankful for that. Only, somehow, he wasn't. Sometimes Scorpius thought it would make things a lot easier if he had never known Albus in that way; never known just how wonderful he could be. Sometimes he wished the Gryffindor had never come into his life; then he wouldn't have to deal with him going out of it.

It took a long time for Scorpius to fall asleep that night, and when he finally did, he tossed and turned with restless nightmares.

*****Song Lyrics*****

I still take you to bed,

but it's the you I'd face instead,

where I use every word I never said to crack you open.

There was barely room to breathe

getting the skeptic to believe

that the goal wasn't to leave one of us broken.

If it's true nothing gets close to you for fear of melting down

then I've become the chosen one, an example for the crowd.

Your star is due for shooting and I'll be watching the night sky

in hopes that soon what binds us will come untied

I'm the tune of a lesser band,

sea legs on dry land,

thinking how you forfeited your hand to keep us from winning.

I watch them orbiting around you now,

just like you showed them how

And you reach out like the hand of God,

a tap will keep them spinning.

If it's true they flock to your without your shepherd's call

for a change just let them range and see how far you fall.

Your star is due for shooting and I'll be watching the night sky

in hopes by then what binds us has come untied.

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh

Can I take it back?

Can I take it back now?

It's what the loss of our friends brings,

it's in the way you held my strings,

it's in all the little things I can't help but doubt.

Sometimes I wish I'd never known just how brilliantly you shone

right before you threw the stone to cast me out.

AN: I love this song. I think it expresses Scorpius's thoughts and feelings at this point perfectly, and I just love it anyway. I highly recommend you listen to it, since songs really aren't the same without their tunes, unless the tune is lousy, but this tune is not. I did like a million little edits on this chapter before I was anywhere close to satisfied, so tell me what you think.

-SQ