Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own it.
Chapter Eight: Always
Scorpius sat at an otherwise empty table in the library, absorbed with his books. His friends were down in the Slytherin common room, but Scorpius had opted to come up here alone to study for his fast approaching NEWTs He found himself doing that a lot lately. It wasn't that he didn't want to hang out with his friends, he did, but he didn't mind the alone time either; he had always been a fairly solitary person. Scorpius was also under an increasing amount of pressure from both himself and his father to do exceptionally well in his NEWTs. His father had always had the highest expectations of him, and expected him to beat Rose Weasley in all of his subjects (a nearly impossible task). As for Scorpius, he wanted to do well in school so that he wouldn't have to rely on the family fortune to support him; he didn't want to have to rely on anyone but himself ever again.
Voices broke through Scorpius's concentration and he glanced up. A group of seventh year students had just entered to library, chatting and laughing.
The librarian looked up from her desk and glared at them, hissing, "Shhhhhhh!"
The group rolled their eyes but dropped their voices as they came further into the library. At the head of the group was (who else would it be?) Albus Potter, looking laid-back and slightly badass with robes thrown open over a red t-shirt and black leather jacket. Scorpius took another mental snapshot for his internal scrapbook, even though he didn't really like this look on Albus.
Albus's eyes flicked toward Scorpius and then quickly away. He motioned for the rest of the group to follow him and they disappeared into the maze of bookshelves.
Scorpius sighed. Of course it made sense that Albus wouldn't want to sit where he could be stared at by his ex-boyfriend. That sounded creepy even to Scorpius, but Scorpius wished the other boy wouldn't run in the other direction every time he saw him. It wasn't like Scorpius wanted anything from him anymore, he just enjoyed being in Albus's presence; nearly everyone in the school did, it was magnetic. And every time he saw Albus was a chance to freshen up his store of memories. Not that he would ever forget Albus and the time they spent together, not if he lived to be a thousand and two, but it saddened him to think that soon those memories would be all he had left of Albus. He had grown used to waking up every morning knowing that he would be seeing the same familiar places and faces throughout the day, that they had been there yesterday and would be there tomorrow. It was stupid, but he kind of wished that it could always be like that. Routine might get a little boring after a while, but it was safe and comfortable, things that had been distinctly lacking in the first half of Scorpius's Hogwarts life.
Scorpius shrugged and turned back to his studies; he really had to do well on his NEWTs.
Not even ten minutes had passed, however, when he was interrupted again; this time by someone plopping themselves into the chair across the table from him.
Scorpius, who had been deeply engrossed in a particularly complicated formula, jumped and swore as he spilled ink all over the table.
Lily giggled. He glared at her.
"Look what you made me do!" he said crossly, vanishing the mess with his wand.
"Look at what?" said Lily innocently, staring wide-eyed at the now spotless table. "I don't see anything."
Scorpius huffed.
"Aw, come of Scorp, no harm done," said Lily. "What are you doing anyway?"
"Studying."
"Again? Scorp, you're always studying, don't you think you should take a break?"
"I have," said Scorpius.
Lily shook her head. "You sound like Rose."
Scorpius scowled. "Don't remind me."
"What?"
"I'm supposed to best her in all our shared NEWT subjects."
"Says who?"
"My father. And I want to as well."
Lily shook her head again. "So competitive! Why not just try to do the best you can do, Scorpius? Why do you always have to compare yourself to someone else?"
"Because everyone else does no matter whether I want them to or not," said Scorpius.
"Who cares what everyone else thinks?" said Lily, spinning her plastic neon bracelets on her wrist so that they clattered together.
"I admire your devil-may-care attitude, Lily," said Scorpius, "but I really do have to study. And shouldn't you be studying for your OWLs?"
"Ugh!" groaned Lily. "I just got away from Rose telling me that. I'll tell you what I told her; I already studied for two hours this morning, and studying too much makes my brain hurt and all the fun seep out of it." She tapped her foot against the leg of her chair. "So, what's on your mind, besides studying?"
Scorpius shrugged. "Nothing much." That wasn't strictly true of course, but Lily strictly refused to discuss anything that had to do with her brother with Scorpius, telling him firmly to "forget those morons" and refusing to say another word about it. It was a pity, really, since Lily was the only one Scorpius would have considered talking to about Albus. Kevin, Haley, Fletcher, and Tatiana were great, but they had no connection to his past, and he didn't want them to. Lily, on the other hand, had been there when he had been really messed up, had been the first of Albus's family and friends to welcome and accept him, and had been the first to notice when his and Albus's relationship had changed from friendship into something more. He would have liked to talk out his feelings about Albus and that time with her, but she refused to let him bring it up, and so he let the topic lie.
*****LA*****
Albus had continued living his life as though nothing had changed. And, really, nothing had, except for the fact that he had come to the realization that his entire life right now was a sham. But that didn't matter, not really, because he could start fresh once he left Hogwarts. For now the only ones who knew that there was anything different were Rose and himself. He was pretty sure Morgan, Asher, and Jerry, his oldest friends, had some idea too, but they hadn't mentioned it to him, and he hadn't brought it up.
It amused Albus, actually, that none of his other friends could see that it was all an act. They hung on to his every word, joked, laughed, made suggestive comments, and not one of them realized that Albus wasn't really there at all. In fact, ever more increasingly he was letting his mind wander back to Scorpius, something he hadn't let it do in a long while.
Surprisingly, thoughts of the blonde boy weren't nearly as painful as they used to be. He could look at their former relationship much more objectively than he had been able to at the time. He knew that what they had could never had worked in the long run; it was too messy, too adolescent, filled with too much angst and not enough intellect and maturity. Still, he didn't regret any of it for once second, except for perhaps the way in which they had broken up. He would have liked to be able to get to know Scorpius as he was now; calm, quiet, confident, content... so many things that he hadn't been when Albus had known him. Scorpius had grown up, something Albus wasn't at all sure he himself had accomplished yet, and Albus admired him for it.
Albus wasn't even sure when this change had taken place. He had been too intent on avoiding Scorpius, looking away whenever he saw him and leaving any room he was in. Not that that had really changed either; it was a force of habit now. Whenever Albus accidentally met Scorpius's eyes he always turned away before his brain could send the message not to. And then it was too late to do anything but leave the situation before it became awkward.
Albus wondered if Scorpius ever thought about him anymore. If he did he hid it very well; then again, Scorpius always had been a master of hiding his thoughts and emotions. Albus liked to think that Scorpius hadn't completely forgotten him. Not that he had any delusions of the other boy secretly pining away for him, but what they had shared had been special, and Albus wished he had some way to confirm that Scorpius would always remember it.
Nicholas Springton tapped Albus on the shoulder.
"Hey, earth to Al, this weekend's the last Hogsmeade weekend before NEWTs, you want to come with us, right?"
"Of course," said Albus, flashing a grin that, to him, was devoid of all emotion. The surrounding seventh years must not have thought so though, because they grinned back at him, patting him on the back or punching his fist. It really was easy to fool people who wanted to be fooled. They saw what they wanted to see.
*****LA*****
Albus strolled through the streets of Hogsmeade, accompanied by his usual entourage. Recently this entourage had acquired a new addition: Sara Copper. Albus made a point of ignoring her, but that didn't stop her from making every excuse to be around him. Luckily for Albus, the facts that she was only a fourth year and that she was fairly new to the group put her pretty far down on the group's totem pole. And since Albus was at the very top, this made it relatively easy for him to avoid her. In fact, ironically, it was easier to avoid her now that she was a part of his group than it had been before, because now whenever she was around him, so were all of his other usual buddies. By trying to get closer to him, Sara had made Albus that much less accessible to her.
Still, it caused a fluttering in Albus's chest every time he caught sight of the younger girl hanging near the fringes of the group. He wanted nothing more than to go over to her and take her hand; the sight of Sara Copper made thoughts of Scorpius fly right out of his head. Then again, the sight of Scorpius made thoughts of Sara fly right out of his head. Another reason to steer clear of both of them; how could he give his heart to anyone if he didn't even know it himself?
Albus realized he had been staring again and tore his eyes away from the shyly smiling girl. He would give her no reason to hope for something she couldn't have. Even if the other reasons didn't exist, it was far too late in his seventh year for Albus to be starting any serious relationships.
This was to be Albus's second to last Hogsmeade weekend as a Hogwarts student. The thought, like all of his thoughts about leaving Hogwarts, was strange, but not altogether unpleasant. Albus didn't really feel like Hogwarts had anything more to offer him; even Hogsmeade had lost its attraction, especially when he thought about the fact that once he graduated he could visit it whenever he chose. Somehow he didn't think that was going to be every often. He looked around at other students surrounding him. Besides Rose, Asher, Jerry, and Morgan, he wouldn't miss any of them. He liked them, sure, or at least he didn't dislike most of them, but they were just people like any others, and keeping them in his life would tie him to who he was now, and he wanted to get as far from that as possible once he left school. He momentarily wondered whether it would be a good idea to sever ties with Asher, Morgan, and Jerry too, so as to start with a completely clean slate, but he scrapped the idea almost immediately. That kind of thing simply didn't work, he'd tried it with Scorpius, and besides, he didn't want to sever ties with his best friends. They were the only things at this school that truly made him happy anymore.
Briefly Albus wondered where Scorpius was right now, perhaps somewhere with Lily or his Slythiern friends, but he was jerked out of this thought by an arm being thrown around his shoulders.
"Hey, d'you wanna go girl watching in the park? There are some pretty hot chicks who visit Hogsmeade this time of year. A lot of the St. Mungo's interns spend their weekends here."
Albus really couldn't have cared less about the St. Mungo's interns at the moment (though there was no denying that some of them were pretty damn hot) but his "friends" were happy to know nothing more than what Albus portrayed on the surface, and in return he gave them what they wanted.
"Damn right I want to go girl watching in the park! St. Mungo's interns, here I come!"
*****LA*****
Scorpius raked his fingers through his hair for the dozenth time. NEWT exams started tomorrow and he couldn't concentrate! His mind kept drifting to all of the things he would be leaving behind when he left Hogwarts.
His small group of Slytherin friends would stay in contact of course, but they wouldn't see each other every day like they did at Hogwarts. Lily would be staying at Hogwarts, their only means of communication through letters. Then there were the classes, most of which Scorpius actually enjoyed, and the professors, Scorpius's dormitory and the Slytherin common room, the rest of the castle, the routine. And, of course, Albus.
Scorpius wrinkled his nose. He had to stop thinking about him! It wasn't even that he was pining over him or anything, he just... Scorpius didn't even know why he kept thinking about Albus. He guessed he was curious about what Albus was like now. Of course that was silly, the whole school knew what Albus was like now, but Scorpius couldn't help thinking that there had to be something more. Albus couldn't have changed that completely. Could he?
Doesn't matter, he told himself. You'll never know, will you?
Scorpius closed his textbook in disgust. If he didn't know the material now, he wasn't going to learn it by tomorrow morning. He wondered what Albus was doing right now. Probably not studying. He wondered what Albus thought of him now, if Albus ever thought of him now. Probably not. He wished that wasn't the case, but realistically, Albus probably didn't have much time to spare for thoughts of him. It was silly, but that made him just the tinniest bit sad. He would have liked to know that Albus would keep his memories of Scorpius forever, like Scorpius was sure to keep his own memories of him.
Oh well, at least he could pretend that Albus would remember him; it could be true, you never knew, and it wasn't likely that Scorpius was going to get any proof either way.
*****LA*****
Scorpius packed up his things and returned to the common room. Kevin, Haley, Fletcher, and Tatiana were sitting around their usual table, sharing a round of drinks.
"Really, guys?" said Scorpius, even as he poured one for himself. "On a school night?"
Fletcher shrugged. "We have to bolster ourselves for tomorrow."
"Don't get shitfaced," Haley advised. "You'll kill yourself if you mess up your exams tomorrow."
Scorpius didn't particularly like Haley's choice of words, but he agreed with her sentiment. He drank only two glasses, enough to give himself a definite buzz, but not enough to mess him up in the morning, and then the five of them retired to bed.
As Scorpius laid his head on his pillow he decided that the drinks had definitely been a good idea. He was sure that, sober, he wouldn't have been able to sleep for fretting about the coming exams. As it was, he slid quickly into an alcohol induced slumber, free from worry or bad dreams, and slept soundly until morning.
*****LA*****
Albus, Jerry, Asher, and Morgan all pumped their fists in the air as they exited their History of Magic exam, the last exam they would ever take at Hogwarts.
"I can't believe it's really over," said Morgan.
"I know," said Jerry, "Seven years is a bloody long time."
"I'm glad to be free!" said Morgan
"I dunno," said Asher, "I'll kind of miss it."
"Not me," said Albus.
"I don't think I explained that question on Medieval goblin wars sufficiently," said Rose.
Albus rolled his eyes and swatted her on the arm.
"What have we told you about reliving exams after the fact?" said Jerry.
"Yeah," said Asher. "We don't want to hear it!"
Albus agreed with them, he definitely did not want to relive his exams now that they were over. The fact was that he knew he could have done a lot better on them than he had. If he hadn't been slacking off in school over the past year and a half, if he had actually done all his homework and studied for his exams... But he hadn't, and it was bound to show in his results. But there wasn't much he could do about it now. There went his dreams of becoming an Auror like his dad...
Albus mentally shook himself. Tomorrow was his last Hogsmeade weekend ever as a Hogwarts student, and then he only had one more week before he was free of this place forever. He couldn't wait. The walls of the castle seemed too close, the ceilings too low, the corridors too crowded, the students too loud, the lower years to small. Hogwarts used to be his home away from home, he had loved it here, now it seemed more like a prison; a prison trapping him in his childhood, or rather memories of a childhood he could never return to, and realities of an adolescence he'd rather forget.
"Albus. Albus!"
Albus turned and found himself doing something he avoided if at all possible; looking into the stunning eyes of Sara Copper.
"Uh..." he said stupidly.
"Look," she said, turning bright pink. "I know—I know you're graduating and everything, and I understand you not wanting to start a relationship right now, but please, won't you come to Hogsmeade with me this weekend? Just the two of us?"
She bit her lip and worried the hem of her robes in an absolutely adorable way. Albus had opened his mouth, fully intending to say yes, when his sensibility kicked in.
"No," he said, firmly but gently. "No, Sara, I won't. I'm going to spend my last Hogsmeade weekend with all of my friends, and then I'm going to leave Hogwarts and get on with my life. I'd advise you to do the same. And be—"
"I know," said Sara. "'Be careful.' Rose told me. What's that even supposed to mean? That you're dangerous or something?"
"Anything can be dangerous if you don't know what you're doing," said Albus. "Please, I can't give you what you want, find someone else."
"I don't want someone else," said Sara, half-stubborn, half-pleading. "I want you."
"No," said Albus. "You don't know what you want. No one does at fifteen. Believe me."
"You think you're so wise just because you're in seventh year!" said Sara.
Albus laughed humorlessly. "Hardly. I wouldn't know wise if it hit me in the back of the head. I'm still trying to learn smart. Now go away, please."
"I like you Albus," said Sara quietly. "I don't just want to date you because you're good looking and popular you know."
"I know," said Albus heavily. "And that's exactly why there can never be anything between us."
"But that doesn't make any sense. You can't tell me you're not interested!"
Albus sighed. "Sara, have you seen the girls I date?"
"Of course."
"Then you know you're not like them at all."
"Neither was he."
Albus closed his eyes briefly. "Who?" he said, though there was only one person she could be talking about.
"Malfoy."
"I was a different person back then."
"I don't believe you."
"Then you're a fool."
"Maybe you won't go out with me because you're still in love with him. Is that it?"
"I won't go out with you because I'm about to graduate and you're only fifteen!" Albus snapped. "End of discussion. I'll see you in Hogsmeade, with everybody else. And with that he strode down the corridor, resisting the strong urge to look back and see what kind of look Sara had on her face.
*****LA*****
Scorpius stared at his packed trunk. He couldn't believe it. He was really leaving. It was ironic; how many times during his first three years at Hogwarts had he wished that he could leave and never come back? And now that that was finally the case, Scorpius was terrified. He knew who he was here, he knew where he fit, but out in the real world Scorpius didn't have any idea. Would people treat him differently because he was gay? Would they treat him differently because he was a Malfoy? Because he was rich? And differently how so? Would it be good or bad?
"Mate, let's go, we're going to miss the train."
Scorpius looked up at Kevin, who was motioning to him from the doorway.
"You've been packed for ages, what's the hold up?"
"Can't believe I'm really leaving for good I guess," said Scorpius.
"I know," said Kevin, shaking his curly head. "It's hard not to think that we'll just be coming back again next year."
Scorpius nodded mutely.
Tatiana's voice rang up the stairs, breaking the silence.
"Kevin! Scorpius! Get your asses down here!"
The boys smiled ruefully at each other.
"I guess that's our cue, eh?" said Kevin.
"Sounds like it," said Scorpius and he followed Kevin down the stairs and into the common room.
*****LA*****
Albus was in high demand during the train ride to Kings Cross Station, especially with the fourth, fifth, and sixth years. Everybody wanted to say one last thing to him before he was gone for good. Albus put up with it because he knew it was the last time; finally, the last time he would have to be this person he didn't want to be anymore, the last time he would have to look at all these people he didn't really care about and wonder how it was that they saw what they saw in him. It was time for Hogwarts to have a new popularity king, and that was fine with Albus.
As the train drew into the station Albus stood, shook off his admirers, and grabbed his trunk from the rack.
"We'll write you!" shouted half a dozen people. Albus doubted it. Out of sight, out of mind.
"We'll write you," said Asher, Morgan, and Jerry.
Albus believed them. They were his oldest and dearest friends, and the only ones that mattered. If he hadn't had an image to uphold, even if it was just for a few more minutes, he would have hugged them. As it was, he clapped each of them on the back, hoping that the gesture conveyed even a fraction of his love and gratitude.
"I'll write you too."
They bid each other farewell and then Albus and Rose walked together in the direction of their parents. They didn't speak; there was no need to. Words couldn't express the flurry of emotions that were going through both of them at leaving the school they had attended for the past seven years of their lives.
Albus smiled slightly as he caught sight of the barrier separating platform 9 ¾ from the rest of King's Cross Station. On the other side of that wall was a clean slate, a new beginning.
Three people crossed in front of the barrier into Albus's vision; Scorpius Malfoy and his parents.
Albus's stomach lurched. A realization struck him, something he had never really thought about until now; just as he was leaving Hogwarts and all his false friends behind, he was also leaving behind any lingering connection he had to Scorpius. They may well never see each other again. And if they did, they would be irrevocably two adults who barely knew each other, and yet whose past together was to be forever unresolved.
Albus suddenly realized he didn't want that. Maybe he wasn't as ready to part with his old life as he had thought, but he knew that he couldn't bear to leave Hogwarts behind and start fresh without at least talking to Scorpius one last time. There was so much between them that they had left unfinished, things that would haunt Albus for the rest of his life if he didn't try and address them now. How could he have ever thought that they could just move on with their lives just like that as if nothing had ever happened between them? It was absurd. This was Albus's one and only chance to finally resolve the tension and uncertainty that had been eating away at him (at both of them?) since they had broken up. One thing in Albus's long list of mistakes that he might actually be able to fix. He took a step toward the three Malfoys.
"Scorpius!"
But it was too late; Scorpius and his family had already disappeared through the barrier.
*****Song Lyrics*****
I'm up here on my own again, I'm always on my own.
They don't know anything at all, they see just what they want.
Can't they see I'm not really here, I'm back there with you
Flying away,
wish I could say you will be there tomorrow and always.
Just have to go,
wish I could know you will always remember me now and always.
Turning my face away again, I'm always turned away.
Wanting someone to talk it out, without you always
Flying away,
wish I could say you will be there tomorrow and always.
Just have to go,
wish I could know you will always remember me now and always.
Always.
Flying away,
wish I could say you will be there tomorrow and always.
Just have to go,
wish I could know you will always remember me now and always.
Flying away,
wish I could say you will be there tomorrow and always.
Just have to go,
wish I could know you will always remember me now and always.
Always
Always
Always
Always
Always
Always
AN: Did you think I'd actually take them out of Hogwarts? 'Cause I just did ;)
Please, tell me any thoughts you might have, I'm always ready to read them!
Thanks for reading!
-SQ