C H A P T E R 1 4- MATTER OF CHANGE
It was an empty classroom, eerily silent and a little bit chilly. Everyone had left, rushing towards the door, because tomorrow was another weekend.
Natsume promised we would meet up later today, so I went ahead. I dropped my pen somewhere in the hall or the classroom today and I tried to find it.
I searched under the teacher's desk, the tables and even the small space under the wooden bookshelves; there was no sign of my pen. I guess you could say that my pen had some sentimental value. Hotaru gave it to me when I cried because someone stole my blue pen. I then stopped crying and she never asked back for it.
I heard footsteps and I quickly slid between shelves, switching the lights off. If it were a teacher, I would get instant detention. I thought I saw a flicker of light, but I looked back and it was gone. When a hand lightly touched my shoulder, I opened my mouth for a scream, but a hand quickly covered my mouth, blocking the noise. I quickly turned around and to my relief, I saw Natsume.
"I'm right here, baka."
I think I almost cried. I think I tried to tell him to never to do that again, too, but my words were muffled as I hugged him for comfort. He pulled away and for a brief moment, I was confused. He then held up his hand, and I saw my pen.
"You have a habit of leaving pens in notebooks," he said, rolling his eyes.
"Thanks, Natsume!" I said brightly, opening my pencil case a little bit, and slipping the pen in.
"Let's always stay together," I whispered. I didn't remember much, because I was starting to drift off to unconsciousness.
It had escaped my mind that at that time, he didn't reply. It was only a shoulder he lent me, not a promise.
"Wake up."
Get up, Mikan. Natsume's telling you to...Oh.. So... sleepy...
"Wake up," the voice said again. It took me a full minute to realize that it wasn't Natsume who spoke to me anymore.
I tried to push the shaking hands away. I was just so tired...
I tried to switch to a comfortable position, when I felt something cold touch my head and I gasped in surprise. One of Hotaru's inventions- an ice pack that always stayed cold. I asked her to make one for me before, but I lost it and she refused to make one again.
My eyes remained shut. Had I just fallen asleep?
"What - did - you," Hotaru said, kicking some books on the ground, "Do to your room?"
She narrowed her eyes cautiously, picking up the bit of paper that flew beneath her feet from the impact of the kick.
"The very first Alice user?" she read, raising her eyebrows. "Since when did History become your favorite subject?"
"Nah, I was just bored," I said sleepily, turning to a more comfortable position once more. "I may hate History, but it's nice to know some people learn from it," I said lazily, pushing the blankets closer to myself to keep me warm.
"It's Hyuuga, isn't it? Shouda, too."
I smiled. Hotaru knew me too well.
Then it struck me.
"Hotaru, aren't you late for class?"
"No one came yet. Teachers always come late. Hurry up, we have 5 minutes."
"You left class for me?" I said, touched.
She shrugged nonchalantly. Typical of Hotaru.
"You didn't come. I had to wonder if you helped a lost bunny in the way again."
Hotaru was worried about me!
"I'll be quick," I grinned, slowly getting up to fold my creased blanket.
***
Turned out we got lucky enough and we weren't late.
By the time class started, there was something tugging at my memory- I couldn't remember my dream. When I walked into the classroom and saw Natsume, a ton of feelings spread through me: hurt, joy, anger and a strange longing. The moment I sat down, I recalled everything about the dream. I didn't know what to feel. How could a person both irritate you and make you happy at the same time? It made no sense.
The memory had made me feel how much I missed the the past. Things were so simple. Back then, there was no such thing as an Alice, no misunderstandings. And the letter he left... I never knew what it said. Sometimes I wish I could rewind time. If I had read it, what would it say? Would it be an apology? An address to contact him? Or was it short and cryptic?
He told me that he recognized me back from day one in the academy. When I criticized him for leaving me and causing me pain, he told me he sent me a letter.
Whenever I thought about the things I said two days ago, I wanted to go back to Natsume and apologize. But what would I say, really? When I tried to call him a couple of times, he didn't even answer. He was probably having fun just looking at his ringing phone.
-Which was why I was surprised when he came to me by the end of class.
"We need to talk," he said in a rough, low voice.
"You want to talk now?" I said, packing up. I called him many times and he didn't even answer. Now he wanted to talk?
I missed him, had made myself study because of him, and he came to me. Still.
After the thousandth time my loud voice yelled at him.
"Natsume, you just hurt my friend." Thinking of Sumire and how down she'd been lately, I couldn't just celebrate.
"And what exactly do you want me to do about that?" he growled. He demanded an answer- Except that I didn't have one. I sucked in a deep breath.
"I don't know. I don't know. But this whole thing is driving me crazy. I'm tired." Of staying away. Of fighting.
"Of course. You've been studying again."
God, was anyone going to stop pointing out my study habits? Besides, I was pretty sure I had enough of History, so no more studying for me. All this studying, I realized, really had drained me.
"Get some rest," he said, before he flung his bag on his shoulder.
I was heading straight back to my room, when I saw Sumire waiting for me next to my door.
"Permy? Why are you...?"
"Hotaru tells me you've been burying yourself in the confines of your room studying History."
She didn't look at me, but her voice sounded a tad bit guilty.
Way to rub in my recent study habits.
"Are you talking to me now?" I asked hopefully.
"Maybe."
"I'm really-"
"Don't apologize," she cut across. I was waiting for another outburst, except she didn't look angry. "When you've been torturing yourself with study, I've also been thinking. I... I shouldn't have made you do all that. I was supposed to be your friend. I... I'm sorry Mikan."
I knew it was difficult for her to say that. She always liked Natsume from the start. "I mean, I should've known that you like him from the start anyway, but still, I-"
"I like him?" I cut across. Whoa, where did that come from?
She looked momentarily dazed. As if reality just began to sink in, she exclaimed, "You're kidding!"
Sumire's phone began to ring. "Hello? Oh!" Sumire's eyes widened in recognition. Huh. Must be someone pretty special to get Sumire worked up. "S-sure. Yeah.... I will! See you later!"
"I don't normally make it my business whether people end up together, but this is plain stupid. Even Hotaru agrees with me. When I remember what being a friend is, you still try to forget your feelings."
"How could you play the hurt best friend and match-maker at the same time?" I grumbled.
"I'm only doing this the way I know how. I'm trying, OK? It's not easy, so at least make my sacrifice worth it."
It seemed like fixing my hair wasn't enough. I had make-up on, lipstick, perfumed and apparently, Sumire didn't like my wardrobe too.
"And you won't tell me where we're going. And I got the impression the caller wanted to date you. So how does that work out, huh?" I asked, trying to shift attention back to the topic Sumire avoided: the caller. Sumire pretended to focus on fixing my hair. Or looked like it at least.
"You'll see," she said with a smirk as she completed the braid and tied my hair tightly on the elastic.
"And this caller is so top secret you can't tell me?" I asked, raising my eyebrows
"Mikan, please."
"Okay, I'll shut up," I mumbled, still trying to guess who it was. I shifted my attention to the design of the vase on my right, which was printed in a colorful pattern of petals that surrounded the vase.
"Remind me why I need to go instead of you again?" I asked, arms crossed in the leather seat. I didn't really want to go outside. Partly because it was cold, and mainly because I felt I wasn't meant to be here. Not really.
I was now in the car in the said location, contemplating on whether I should go or not. All this business seems a little fishy to me, and the caller was still unknown.
"You're going, because I did this all for you. Because it's what's right. Don't mess it up, you better make it darn worth it for me to waste my time on. Now if I have to refresh your memory again, you might have to walk all the way home," Sumire said under her breath.
"That wasn't a reason," I groaned.
"Too bad, you'll have to accept it. Just don't forget to hit him in the head for me."
"You want me to hit your date in the head," I repeated, dazed. "But why?"
"Just go, Mikan," she said with a smile that spread on her face. She was making an effort, even if it hurt her. Just what kind of person did that make me?
She gave a light push and I left the car, walking towards an familiar gravel path. I heard the door shut and the sound of the leaving car. I looked back, and Sumire was smiling.
I continued on walking. It really shouldn't have been so hard to spot.
I honestly don't know what I expected, but I saw it, and I froze. Fancy dinner. Flowers. Natsume.
"Nat..Natsume? Why are you...?" He called Sumire. It was meant to be Sumire in here. Feelings ripped open- shock, hurt, realization.
Everything pieced together. "You're going, because I did this all for you. Because it's what's right," Sumire's voice echoed in my mind. Before I knew it my eyes were filled with tears again. Natsume broke the silence.
"I think I should be asking that question. But since you're here..."
Immediately, I turned to run back.
"Where are you going?" he said, gripping my arm.
"Sumire... Maybe I can still call after her..."
"We just saw the car left. But you're crying again, I've noticed."
"Doesn't matter. So... You wanted to date Sumire after all," I commented. I went on. "Oh yeah, I've noticed. You've got flowers and a fancy table set up. And you said you don't do welcome banners when in reality, Natsume, this is pretty damn close." I think at the moment, I understood when Sumire asked to hit Natsume in the head.
I stared down at my feet and took it as an opportunity to actually hit him. "This is for Permy," I said throwing off one of my high heels, "and that's"- I took the other off and threw it, "for me!"
Once more, Natsume ducked. "You didn't say I'd hug her," Natsume observed, ignoring how the heel hit the wall behind him. I raised my eyebrows.
"Would you have, Natsume?" I briefly recalled the last thing Natsume said when we argued: What do you think I should have done? Set up welcome banners or give you a hug? You know I do neither of those.
He smirked. Unexpectedly.
"If that's what it takes so you two could just make up already, then yes, I believe I do have that choice."
His reply surprised me. It revealed one thing: He did it so Sumire and I would become friends again. I said earlier that I was tired. He understood that- I wasn't really tired about studying. In truth, even unspoken, he understood.
"You mean..."
"I'm not interested in Shouda. I don't do flowers and dinners. You asked me to do something," he said, shrugging. "You're pretty quick to assume. But then, I shouldn't have been surprised." He glared at me coldly.
"No. Wait. What's that supposed to mean?"
"You came here telling me about how you were hurt, like only you have the right to. I thought you were angry. I gave you time. I gave you three years."
I didn't yell at him, telling him I understood what it was to hope and to wait, but nothing ever came. I didn't run away, saying I've had enough. I did have enough of everything, which was why I was staying where I was.
"Ever since the first day you've been avoiding me," was the first thing I said. He did recognize me, but what difference did it make? He didn't talk to me. He made me feel like I was forgotten.
As if suddenly a new thought occurred to him, a smile curved his lips.
"Something funny? Do share."
"I didn't miss your reaction to me dating Shouda."
"Which reminds me, maybe I need to go home and fetch her. I'm sure you would've loved that," I said, mid way to standing up.
"Sit down," he commanded, as if it'd make any difference.
"Hyuuga, do I look like one of your fan girls?" I said with growing irritation.
"No," he said with disbelief. "And I can't believe you'd even think that I'd think that."
"Then why order me?" I demanded. He looked like he was about to retort, then his features softened.
"Mikan."
The mention of my first name staggered me. It had been a long time since he called me that. I was a little shocked.
"Any 'please'?" my stubborn nature couldn't help but ask. Somehow, it gave me the satisfaction to hear him give a reluctant 'please' in response. I laughed and punched him in the shoulder lightly.
"Natsume- It's- It's different now. I'm not going to be the girl who always likes pink. I'm not going to be the girl who likes reading fairy tales. I'm going to be me, and three years won't change that."
"I'm not asking you to change," he said softly. "I won't, either."
"Promise?" I said.
For a moment, he didn't answer, as if hesitant. "You know better than that."
-And I understood. I knew better to know that not all promises are kept. You don't just say a promise- You fulfill it, and nothing was better to prove it than by doing it itself.
"Just like the old times?" I asked.
"Yeah."
I smiled. Indeed it was.
Time was a funny thing. It twisted, controlled, healed, developed, grew, and altered so many things. It dragged on and on without rhyme or reason. Sometimes I hated its very existence. Time allowed so many memories to fade yet created new ones. It changed you physically and mentally. It prepared you. It hurt you, ate you up, sometimes dragging on, as if laughing at your long stretch of patience.
What's more, time tested you. If it was generous enough you'd be lucky to be even breathing.
Time was a matter of change.
It was as a complicated and as simple as a matter of survival, of healing and of acceptance. If you survived, it meant you were strong enough. If you healed, it meant you were no longer broken. If you accepted, it meant you could move on.
If you got through all the three, then you passed its test.
(A/N: No update for a looooong time. Longest ever, and I'm so sorry!! Now it's finished and I'm so happy that I could now study without putting off any writing. If August sucked, September sure did and October sure will. Thank you to all those who reviewed. Every review is very much appreciated. I apologize if this chapter sucks. But I don't regret writing it though, because I had too much fun with it. ^_^
Thank you!)