Thanks for all the reviews guys! Holy crap, I didn't expect so many this time, but I was clearly mistaken. o.o Anyway, it came to my attention that my "Brenda" character is also apparently Jeremy's mother's name as well? Haha, I didn't know and didn't mean to do that, but you can interpret her as a Goodwill store employee I guess, even though it wasn't intentional. LOL
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"So, let me get this straight. You forgot the original formula for your "Humaninator" failure slash ingenious potion, and now we have nothing to fall back on and I might be stuck like this forever, right? I'm correct, this is what you're saying?"
Perry had his arms crossed in a scolding manner, glaring daggers at Doofenshmirtz, who was twiddling his fingers and smiling nervously. "We-helll, I-I wouldn't say that I necessarily FORGOT, but, uh, yeah. That's pretty much what I'm saying." Well, this was just fan-fucking-tastic. Perry is stuck on this mission forever, under his worst enemy's rules, and he'll never fight crime or see the family that he loves dearly so much ever again. Wow, things were turning out worse before they got better. Funny that.
"Hey, look at the bright side!" Doofenshmirtz exclaimed suddenly, "At least you have... better... thumbs now..."
If Perry had transformed into dynamite instead of a human, he would have exploded two chapters ago and had taken the moron with him. But since he wasn't, he felt a really long headache coming on instead. He took off his fedora and started waving it around, looking as if he needed to get some fresh air. He sighed and let out a deep breath, collapsing on that oh-so-familiar couch he was always seen sitting or lying upon.
'He sure likes that couch a lot.' Heinz thought, walking over to him. Perry stared up at the ceiling, clearly in deep thought. He couldn't believe the situation he was in. Why did it have to be him? Why did he have to turn into some young-looking human who didn't need to conceal his identity as Agent P anymore and had no one to lie in bed with at night?
He'd always sleep beside Phineas in bed at night, it made him feel comfortable and safe; especially when there were lightning storms, he was scared shitless whenever one hit. Curled up and warm... he really missed both him and Ferb. Sheesh, he even missed Candace and her annoying screaming and her constant accusations of them at their mother.
He just wanted to go home.
There is only so much Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz one person (or mammal) can take without going crazy.
Perry decided to break the silence finally and sat up. "I honestly don't know what to say, right now, doc." he replied looking up at him through his bangs. "I just..." he sighed again, "I don't know whether I'm upset, depressed, or pissed off beyond all levels at you." Heinz looked down at the floor, feeling just a little bit guilty that Perry was really sad at what he just learned.
Just a little bit.
"Look. Perry. I-I'll do everything I can to try and change you back. I mean, come on. I don't want to go to jail. I won't do well there, you even said that yourself." he scratched the back of his head and huffed under his breath. "So stop being so mopey! It's not like you, and I haven't seen you this way since Peter the Panda came along..." he mumbled the last part about the third Agent P.
Perry twitched at the mentioning of that damned, God-forsaken, wannabe-replacement. Oh, how he hated that jerk, always giving him that look in his eyes that said, "I'm better than you. He likes me more, so HAH." even though no one else could see it. It just made his blood boil whenever he thought of Peter. As if two Agent P's weren't enough... and whenever he beat Heinz's evil schemes! CHRIST, that was enough to make Perry feel like murdering the stupid fluffy thing. Perry was the only one who could defeat Dr. Doofenshmirtz's stupid and evil plots to take over the Tri-State Area! Only he could take him down, be his enemy, and be with him at all times anywhere at anytime.
'Wait, wait, what was that last part all about?' he though suddenly, 'Errr... I sound like I'm... obsessed with him.' Oh, boy. He felt his face getting hot again. Damn it, why did humans have to blush constantly at the smallest things?!
"Anyway, the point is, Perry," Heinz continued, breaking him out of his thoughts, "we may have to start from the beginning, but I'll help you because you're my-"
"DA-AAAD!"
Both men turned to the door to see Vanessa Doofenshmirtz standing at the door with a black backpack and sports bag slung over her shoulder. "Uh, hello?" she motioned, "Did you forget that I was visiting today? You forgot to pick me up at the bus station- again!"
Perry looked up at him, once again glaring those daggers that pierced his soul (figure of speech, of course). "Oh, uh, that-that's right!" he stuttered. Crap, how could he forget? Charlene wanted her to spend some father-daughter time together and so she though it would be a good idea to send her over for a couple of days. They both knew it was her excuse to take a break and have some me-time to herself, though.
Vanessa set her bags against the wall and walked over to her father, hands on her hips and foot tapping with major annoyance. 'Ehh... she looks like Perry when he's angry.'
"I had to take a freaking cab here, you know!" she barked. "What were you doing that was more important, working on some other evil scheme so I could prove to mom that- eh?" She turned and noticed Perry sitting on the couch. His black eyes stared at her with curiosity (and amusement). She blinked a few times and grabbed the collar of her father's lab coat and whispered, "Uhh, can I talk with you a minute, dad? OVER THERE."
Vanessa dragged him to the other side of the office and when she felt convinced they were out of Perry's earshot distance, she exploded. "IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?! That-that little green platypus with the cute little hat who's always getting in the way of your plans? Pursy- Plattle-"
"Perry."
"YES! HIM! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?!" she began shaking her father back and forth in complete hysteria. "Oooh, just WAIT until mom hears about this one! I don't know what you're planning on doing with him, but I won't let you go through with it this time!" She let go of Heinz and began storming away and up to Perry.
"You!" she boasted. "Aren't you dad's little enemy who helped fix my birthday party that one time? Remember- decorations, lasers, all that good stuff?"
"Y-yeah." he answered a bit meekly. Damn, she was scary. "I remember."
Vanessa began to instantly touch Perry's hair by running her fingers through it, making sure not to tangle it. She then pulled slightly on his clothes and felt the side of his face with her hands, making sure what she was seeing was real. "Oh my GOD." she gaped, "You really ARE him." Perry shook his head, fixing his hair that Vanessa mussed up accidentally.
"Now, look, Vanessa, darling, sweetie," Heinz laughed nervously again, "We're not enemies for the time being. I swear! We're actually trying to find a way to change him back to normal, but... failing miserably." Vanessa eyed them both back and forth. Perry thought she looked just like Phineas' mother whenever Candace told her of the boys' misadventures each day- very scolding and motherly looking all at once.
"You better change him back dad."
"I will."
"By the way, I was teal, not green."
"Well, what difference does that make now?"
"... Good point, Miss Goth Lady."
"My name is Vanessa." she closed her eyes and placed a hand on her neck, continuously staring at Perry. "Well, this is a bit weird and awkward, now isn't it?" Heinz walked over to his desk and sat down, looking more tired than usual. "This is so stuuupid." he sighed. "I mean, I can't believe that I forgot that damn formula. Now we have to begin from scratch which may end up horribly awry and-"
Grooooowwwwl.
Vanessa and Heinz looked at Perry, who was holding his stomach and in embarrassment. "I... uh, yeah... hungry."
She turned sharply at her father and raised an eyebrow. "Have you given him ANYTHING to eat, dad? How long have you been like this, dude?" Perry looked up at the ceiling and answered, "Almost three days." She gasped slightly and pulled him up. "Well, it looks like not only will I be staying here, but cooking as well (how unbelievably shocking). You're coming with me to the grocery store."
Before Perry could say anything, he was literally dragged out the door and the next thing he knew, he was in the rice and grain aisle in the middle of a supermarket.
"Perry," Vanessa spoke, "what kind of food do you, like, eat and stuff? I've never had a pet platypus before, so I wouldn't really. Know." Perry was currently holding two baskets filled with multiple items and shrugged. "I dunno," he responded, "I just ate whatever scraps my family had left for me. I'm used to cooked food, so, anything, I guess." Vanessa picked up a box of chicken-flavored Rice-A-Roni and tossed 4 more boxes into the basket. "Hot food. Spoiled then, huh? I can only cook so much, so you're stuck with whatever I make." she declared.
Vanessa realized that maybe she was being just a tad bit hard on Perry, and decided to add, "Hope you don't mind." to sound like less of a bitch. She wasn't a rude person, per say, she just... hated everyone in general. Her hate was non-discriminatory.
"Well, I guess that'll do for now." she decided. "At least it'll be enough so dad won't have us starve to death. Especially himself." Perry began following her to the check-out counter, and was a little surprised at what she had just said. "What do you mean? Does he... have an eating disorder or something?" Vanessa spun to look at him and then began laughing hysterically. "N-no! Nothing like that. Although it is a little bit ironic that over one million men and boys suffer from anorexia. Shouldn't that, like, be a girl thing? Never knew boys could be so insecure since they always laugh off jokes and... an-anyway, no, he doesn't have a disorder at all. Besides being completely batshit insane and evil.
It's just- this one time I came to visit him and found him collapsed in his lab. I was... scared and thought he was dead for a second, I panicked, but then I realized he just passed out from starvation. I guess he just worked too much and forgot to eat." she laughed a bit, "Wasn't the first time I came across him like that."
"That'll be $72.89." the cashier confirmed.
"Hmph," Vanessa grunted. "he's lucky I brought over $200 from mom..."
Perry stood next to her and grabbed the bags, intently listening to her. He never knew Heinz was so... passionate about his work. I mean, of course an evil scientist would be busy and everything, but even villains got a break, right? Looked like he was in a bit of an overdrive. It made Perry a little... worried about Doofenshmirtz.
"Alright, let's get out of here, Pear." Vanessa announced as she began walking out the automatic doors. Perry snapped his head up and jogged towards her, "O-oh, yeah! Right." They both traveled back the building in a comfortable silence, with nothing but the sounds of birds chirping, children playing and cars speeding by them to fill the gap. The only daughter of Doofenshmirtz noticed when Perry sighed in frustration, but didn't say anything, in respect (and not really caring) of his personal space.
'Stupid, confusing, human emotions.'
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Vanessa kept her hair in a ponytail as steam rose up from the chicken breasts and rice she was preparing on the stove. 'Ugh, I'm sweating up a storm here...' she thought, disgusted and wiped said sweat from her brow and nose. "At least dad had a cafeteria here. Hmm... I wonder what else he has here in this building... no doubt, evil science-y things, but maybe he has spare rooms here... with beds."
She chuckled and took out three plates and silverware from the higher cupboards. 'Yeah right.'
"DINNER'S READY!" she boomed, untying her hair.
Despite being on the 7th floor and Vanessa being on the 1st, both men heard her as clear as day and made it down in less than a couple of seconds.
The tables in the cafeteria were long and rectangular. Perry and Doofenshmirtz sat across from each other while Vanessa sat on the side, sort of looking like she was between them. "This smells. Really good." Perry complimented. "Thanks, Vanessa."
"Meh." she shrugged and shoved a spoonful of rice in her mouth. "You're going to eat too, dad. You scare the crap out of me when I catch you knocked out over your desk and what-not."
"Yeah, yeah," Doofenshmirtz said, "whatever, I'll only eat because you put so much hard work into cooking. Thanksalot."
She smirked. "So. Perry. What's it like to change from a mammal to a person? Did it feel weird?"
Perry gave her a confused look. "Er, well, I felt a little bit heavier. I just hope I don't have to experience this forever. You guys make being human look so easy, I almost fell trying to learn how to walk once I got up from the stupid floor." At that moment, Heinz nearly spit out the water he was drinking and started laughing. "It's true!" he exclaimed. "Oh MAN, now THAT was funny! You looked so helpless trying to get back up, like a little kid or something! Hahaha!"
Perry blushed. "Oh, yeah, thanks for helping me the first time I fell. I felt like passing out from the shock that I had longer and heavier limbs to walk on."
Vanessa nodded and continued eating while her father calmed himself down as he did the same.
Perry twirled his spoon with his fingers. He knew how to operate things as an agent, so operating this... silverware attire wasn't so hard. Besides, he learned more after watching Phineas and Ferb eating with them a few times.
"You miss your family?" she asked.
Perry looked up from his plate and stared at her. "Of course I... do. Why wouldn't I? Isn't family supposed to be the most important thing in the world to everyone?" Vanessa immediately thought of her parents' divorce but instead ignored the question and went on. "What about your little friends at your, uh, agency?"
"We don't talk to each other. We only stick to our missions and enemies. Don't really have time to make any friends or anything, really."
"That sucks."
"Yeah."
Clank, clank, slide- and that's all that was left that evening in the cafeteria.
The sound of silverware scrapping across plates and the breathing of three entirely different individuals.
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NB: There you have it! CHAPTER CUATROOO I just want to make a few notes before I go:
1) I'm not a platypus expert, so I'm not sure if they have thumbs or not. I heard somewhere that males have poisonous thumbs on the back of their little feet, but other than that, I'm clueless.
2) When Vanessa talks about there being over 1 million men and boys being anorexic (which is a fact), her comment about it is just something I thought she would say. *I myself* know that every gender feels insecure about themselves and are willing to change themselves in the most deadliest of ways. So, don't start flaming me and starting a disorder rant on me because I've been there. My mother suffered through bullimia and was addicted to every drug in the book but quit once she became pregnant with me. She said I "saved her life" which is something that will always run through my head for the rest of my life. However, I am also incredibly insecure with myself at times and occasionally force myself to throw up when I fear I eat too much.
I'm afraid I'll become my mother one day.
3) I know we don't really get a really good look inside the rest of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, so I'll just take a gander and be creative with it for the rest of the story, lol.
NOW I AM OFF TO EAT RICE-A-RONI AND PRACTICE MY BASS