Hell or Heaven?

Chapter 4: Without you

I shouldn't be doing this!

No, I shouldn't. But still, I can't help it. What happened to them hating me? God why am I thinking this now? Why can't I be happy, just for once? Don't I have the right, after all I went through? Of course I do, no one should live what I did! But what if he's not sincere? Then what, another heartbreak? OOhhh! Why can't I just follow what my cousin said? Why mix feelings with this?

I know the answer to most of these questions. I just can't make myself see the truth. If I answer myself, it'll be really true. Not a single chance to think the opposite anymore. That's why I'm asking again and again these questions.

"James, no. We shouldn't…"

"I'm sorry Lily."

"Sorry? Sorry for what actually?"

"What?"

"I don't know James, what are you sorry for? Kissing me? No I don't think so. Or do I still disgust you? But then why did you do it?"

"Lily, stop it! I'm not sorry for kissing you but for kissing you when you didn't want me to. And you don't disgust me. Why would you even think that?"

"Ohh I don't know, maybe because that's what you said last time we talked to each other."

"I'm sorry Lily all right? I liked you. I kissed you. You went running away like hell was right behind. And then I find you dating Malfoy! Can you imagine what I felt? I was devastated. Not were you only dating someone else, but it was Malfoy. Malfoy, for God's sake! There's no one I could hate more than him."

"Malfoy was a mistake. What I felt when you kissed me, it scared me. It wasn't like that with Malfoy nor did I feel the same with him. It was easier for me. I wasn't walking on unknown grounds. Or so I thought. But you claim you liked me. Did you forget me just when you saw me with him?"

"No Lily, I never forgot you!"

"Bullshit James. Don't lie to me!! Where were you then when I needed comfort, somebody to hold me without judging me? Nowhere! One single mistake and I was erased from your life, yours and your friends'. I went through shit. Nobody minded, nobody helped, nobody cared. And your telling me right now you never forgot about me? Yeah I can see you never forgot about my mistake!"

"Lily, let me explain everything to you so that you blame me knowing all the facts.

That day we found out you were dating Lucius, we were angry, yes. Sirius talked about you all week, telling you were a traitor. Peter said he never actually liked you. Remus and I, we never said anything. I don't know for Remus, maybe he was shocked or disappointed. But that day, you broke my heart into little pieces and took one with you so that I could never heal correctly. I was angry, but mostly hurt. I tried to find hundreds of solutions why you would've do this to me. But none were explaining your actions. Except one: you never liked me! This left only one question: Why backstab your friends? I never got the answer to that. So we stopped talking. And time passed. You started to change. Believe me Lily; I noticed every little change on you. First you became shier, not talking to anyone. It was after your breakup with Malfoy. Then the year ended, you came back to Hogwarts scared. Not talking to anyone, not expressing yourself. It was like you didn't have any emotions. But that was just on the outside. I couldn't imagine what you were going through on the inside. And years passed while you changed even more. Hiding yourself under that "costume" of yours. All these years, you claim nobody cared, but I did. I never understood you. I was scared of what you were doing to yourself. I stopped every time Sirius tried to take his anger out on you. I was behind you every second Lily, watching out for you. Even if I knew you didn't like me, my heart couldn't leave you like this. And I became to like you even more. Seeing how strong you were. And this year, when I found out your were my fellow head, I decided to change our relationship. This year is our last and I couldn't bring myself to end it like the ones before: without you! I like you Lily, I'm not expecting you to say anything, but I just want you to know that I'm always here for you. No matter what!" As James finished, he had tears in his eyes.