a/n: This is a very cute chp I think. It starts off a little rough but things get pacthed up. Enjoy...
4) Motherhood
"Ssh it'll be okay." My mother cooed. I turned from a cool and confident 'adult' (and I use that term lightly) to an utter mess of a teenager.
"No it won't!" I screamed causing my father to rush into the room.
"Darling what's wrong?" He sat across from us on the coffee table.
"Everything." I screamed and he sighed putting his hand on my shoulder.
"Everything what?" Bella asked and I could hear my father filling her in about the whole issue with Jacob.
"You know he still loves you right?" My mother said pulling my face up to meet hers. I nodded trying to sniff back the tears.
"And he loves his daughter, you just took him by surprise."
"That's what he said but what if I'm not cut out to be a mother? To be honest I'm not even cut out to be an adult." There went all my hard work on trying to prove I was something I actually wasn't. From the corner of my eye I could see my parents exchanging a glance.
"Okay listen to me good honey." I reluctantly met her stare.
"Yeah I'm listening." I whispered.
"About seven years ago I was in your position, trying to hide from my dad about that Edward was sneaking into my room at night and…"
"Just cut to the point." I didn't want to hear the gory details of their love affair.
"I was going to say and on our honey moon we conceived you. And don't you think I was scared?"
"Well of course you were you could've died." I remember the day I found out about the hell my mother went through because she never let me live it down.
"No I wasn't scared about that at all actually. I was terrified about raising you. I was eighteen and not ready to be a mother but as soon as I held you in my arms I found that my motherly instincts suddenly came to light."
"That's it?" I was thinking the story would make me feel better but it just made me feel worse. I had held my daughter and I still felt the same way I felt when I wasn't a mother.
"Of course. It's something all new mothers talk about the maternal instincts kick in and they really do, you just have to listen to them. Besides there was no way I couldn't love you, you're apart of me." A warm smile came over her face lighting up her face to match the very motherly talk she was given me.
"But you know how some people know they aren't supposed to have kids because they just can't handle them maybe I'm one of those people."
"Those people don't know love and the last thing on your list is being un-loved." I looked at my father when he spoke and I was amazed at how quickly they both changed from angry to sympathetic.
"I had to beg for time to hold you between Rosalie and Jacob, you were barely put down I'm surprised you ever learned how to walk." I laughed a little knowing what she was talking about. I remembered when I was about 7 (physically) people still wanted to hold me.
"Okay I get I didn't miss out on the love factor but you were eighteen a full eighteen years. I'm only really 7 maybe that part hasn't kicked in yet." I said realizing I now completely undid the weave of adulthood I wove not a few hours ago.
"So is this you taking back what you said earlier?" Both parents looked towards me curiously. I let out a long breath trying to pick my words just right.
"Sorta. You say I'm mature mentally close to a twenty year old. Now if I recall twenty year olds aren't fully mature either and I've also heard people say my mom was wiser than her years maybe younger people can't handle parent hood because their kids themselves. Yet, also other issues that adults deal with I can handle like simple things."
"Very well put but how do we know what simple things you talk about?" Edward asked.
"I guess we'll just have to wait and see." I half smiled.
"Of course and if its any help you won't have to give up your child we'll watch over her while you go to school, if you make it." I jumped up giving my mom and dad a giant hug. Suddenly I remembered how happy Rose looked when I told her she would be having a kid to raise as her own, I couldn't take that away from her.
"What do I do about Aunt Rose?" I pulled back looking at the both of them.
"What about her?" My mother asked but as soon as she said it her eyes went wide like a light went off in her head.
"I'm sure she'll understand." Bella said squeezing my shoulder.
"No. She's had so many disappointments I'm not gunna be one of them." I stood my ground hoping it was the proper adult thing to do.
"But honey." Edward said this time taking my hand in his.
"I know. Jacob doesn't want it but I can't do that to her." I sighed again a little more than frustrated and tired.
"Okay. I'm sure you'll work things out. I love you and I'm here to talk." My mom said kissing me on the cheek.
"Strong headed just like your mother." My dad whispered in my ear causing me to smile all the way back upstairs where maybe I could get some peace but that wasn't the case.
"I heard what you were saying downstairs." Jake said sitting up in bed.
"Let me explain." I put my hands up defensively but instead he laced his fingers through mine pulling me into a kiss.
"What? Umm, huh?" I couldn't find my brain right then and there. I was out of breath at the unexpected kiss and how intense it had been. It felt like he had grown stronger, manlier in just a few minutes.
"You were doing it for Rose." It didn't sound like a question but I answered anyway.
"I was doing it for a lot of people."
"I know. Why can't she just be a guardian while we go to school? She can still take care of her but we still have custody." I chewed my lip wondering if Rose would mind not having the word adoption stamped on. Would make her feel like less of a mother? I guess I'd find out later when I asked.
"I'll ask."
"Oh by the way. I know there's a mother inside you, remember the time Claire got sick while we were at the beach and you helped her all the way back home and until her parents came. That was pretty motherly." I recalled what he was talking about. It was when we were still living in Forks and Claire had come down the 24-hour virus and poor Quil and Jake had no idea how to take care of a puking child that I just jumped in.
"It's that hard to figure out and there are bigger issues then sickness to deal with when someone grows up like heartbreaks. I've never had one."
"Then I guess we'll have to ask someone else won't we?"
"Or girl issues." I hinted and Jacob looked oddly uncomfortable.
"I'm sure she could talk to your mom."
"Right, maybe she's having trouble with…"
"Maybe you need to stop worrying and deal with the issues when they arise." Jacob was sounding way older then he normally did.
"You sound like a different person." I told him.
"Fatherly instincts." He smiled.
"Great that makes one of us." I said making him chuckle.
"I've said whatever you need me to be I'll be and I figured you'd want me to be a father so I changed to please my lady." He bowed his head before flopping down on the bed motioning for me to lie down.
"I could fall asleep in two seconds." I whispered feeling my emotional roller coaster of a night start to close my eyes.
"I wasn't done." He moaned turning over kissing me on my neck.
"Not tonight." I said sleepily turning away from him.
"Are you seriously tired?" He asked.
"No. I'm more hyper than Alice."
"Ha good one. Just a little." Now he was sounding like his old, hormonal self.
"No go to sleep." I waved my hand for him to get off of me and he just inched closer.
"Fine but don't expect me to just do it when you want to next time." I had to lift my head to give him an okay-we'll-see-how-long-that-last look.
"You're right I wouldn't turn you down." I nodded and hit my head to the pillow.
"You realize we just sounded like an old married couple." He added.
"Mmm." I was too close to sleep to form a real sentence so I decided on just noises as he went on and on about something that I was only a quarter conscious to. I was busy scheming on how to make sure only Jake and I made it to London and not the ever-baby sitting Aunt called Alice.
*****************
"Rose I have to ask you something." I said quietly hoping she didn't hear me; I had been putting off the topic for several days now it was Thursday when I finally got around to asking. It was a sunny day outside which meant no school and closed blinds. It felt like being in jail a little bit.
"What is it?" She said but paying more attention to the coloring job Helena was doing.
"Umm, how do you feel about guardians?"
"I don't understand." She finally broke her attention.
"You know guardian ownership of a child." She tilted her head to the right twirling a piece of hair so I continued trying to explain.
"I had a heated discussion with Jacob the other night and I was wondering if you would mind not being in complete ownership." I twisted my hands nervously watching her face turn from utterly confused to utterly understanding and disappointing.
"But I'm sure we could work something out if you're not happy with that." I added hastily still trying to make everyone happy.
"No. I understand and it's fine. I mean it would be weird when you come home for the summer living here taking care of your child while I am her mom" She used little air quotes around the word mom.
"Are you sure?"
"Of course. I still get to take care of her for a while anyway. Its better than nothing." She smiled and I couldn't tell how authentic it actually was.
"I'm going to go tell Emmett." She said and whipped out of the room.
"Why can't I go outside?" Lena said breaking my mental rant on whether or not to checkup on Rose.
"It's sunny out." I replied.
"But daddy can go outside." She pointed towards the back doors.
"Daddy is different from us."
"Huh?" She tilted her head to side just like I did when I was confused.
"Ok you know what lets go out." I said picking her up and bringing her towards the back door.
"Where are you going?" Grandpa asked.
"Outside." Lena said giddily.
"What if someone sees you?"
"I'll stay close." I reassured him and opened the doors. I found Jake and Seth having a very intense conversation before we interrupted with our very apparent sparkling issue.
"You can't be out here." Jake said eyes wide.
"I can do what I want." I said back walking closer putting Lena down on the ground. She giggled watching as thousands of rainbows hit off our skin, hers a lot brighter than mine. She tilted back her head twirling around looking at the different colors play against the whiteness of the house.
"I'll see you tonight?" Seth asked and Jake nodded.
"Tonight?' I asked watching Seth walk towards Lindsay's car with surprisingly Lindsay waiting.
"Yeah, the pack is having a bon fire and Seth asked for us to go."
"I'd lov…oh wait."
"What?" I looked down at Helena no way could I leave her when I was trying to spend more time with her.
"Us means the three of us." He said.
"Right." I guess I wasn't used to a new meaning for the word us.
"Honey how would you like to meet some new people tonight?" I asked crouching down to her level.
"Who?" She asked putting her fingers on my face.
"Friends of mine." Jacob said crouching down next to me.
"Yeah!" She exclaimed jumping into his arms. I felt a little feeling of jealously stir up deep within. Maybe I had screwed things up between us. Lindsay was her caretaker over in Italy then Rose took over from there. I was barely part of her life. I stood up ready to go back inside considering Jacob and her were already playing and laughing that I felt I shouldn't interrupt.
"Where are you going?" Lena asked looking up at me.
"Inside." I answered watching her mouth turn down into a frown.
"Come play with us." She said running over to me and hugging my legs. I felt tears push at my eyes.
"Sure. I'd love to." I answered sniffing back the tears of pure joy. I walked over holding her hand smiling like an idiot but I didn't care. I felt my jealously lift knowing I hadn't screwed things up between us. As I chased after Lena, who was very fast, I caught sight of my mom standing outside on the patio. I stopped my running because I watched as words rolled off her lips that made my soul lift up.
"I see you found her." And with that I ran after my daughter because that's what mommy's do.
---one problem down and ---- more to go. reveiw as always!---