I'm going to try to update this every week, and now that I've said that I'm going to fail spectacularly, aren't I?
Anyway, enjoy and.............. well...... enjoy, yeah....
" And then, 'e jus' waltzed up to Beth, an' says: I want dinner on the table when I get in everyday, the lawn mowed once a week, and the house cleaned daily! 'Ow dare 'e? Beth says it was three days before there was any improvement, but apparently the swelling 's died down enough now for him to be able to see that he has to do 'is fair share 'cos Beth's not gonna do it all."
The Doctor was bored. Not for the first time, he wondered whether Jackie actually needed oxygen and if she wasn't really human at all, but was actually an un-dead slapping machine from some far distant galaxy. If she'd said yes and went on a violent killing spree, he probably wouldn't have been surprised. He thought it was perfectly plausible, but then he realised that it would mean that there was a chance that Rose was one too, and that thought didn't make him feel very good at all.
It was six hours since they had first entered the Tyler flat, and he didn't think that Jackie had paused for breath yet.
In only six hours Jack had choked on biscuits, choked on tea, stuck his head in the microwave, drowned in the sink, and taken five long runs off the short balcony outside and he was still bored. He was also now extremely depressed, as every time he woke up, there was no Ianto Jones to welcome him back to the land of the living, just a few cats, a crow, and the "Tyler Pointless Prattle Championship".
Returning from his latest run a little worse for wear, Jack sat down next to the Doctor, who by now was half dead from boredom. The Time Lord was staring at the ceiling, clutching loosely at a stone-cold cup of tea in one hand, and fiddling with the Sonic Screwdriver in the other. Jack knew that the only way that the Doctor had survived the visit so far without committing suicide until he killed his thirteenth self, was by attacking the ceiling with the Sonic's rays. Press the button, watch the ceiling develop an intriguing web of intricate lines, listen to it groan and threaten to give way, switch setting, press the button, watch the lines recede and vanish, switch setting push the button, lines, setting, button, no lines, setting, button, lines, setting, button....... He was doing it mechanically, apparently not knowing that he was doing it, his face blank and he wore down the Screwdriver's batteries.
Jack looked at the Time Lord's empty face, placed his expired drink on the table and swiftly confiscated the Sonic. The Doctor didn't even appear to notice, his hand still operating the ceramic tool that wasn't there.
Jack patted the Doctor on the thigh, part in sympathy, part envy that he could escape the situation, and part worry. The Doctor turned his head toward the ex-Time Agent, plain, pure boredom etched into his handsome features, his hand still operating the air where the Sonic wasn't. Forcing the Doctor's hand down, Jack pulled him up off the couch. The Doctor followed him blindly. Apparently the boredom had affected his mind and he had entered a kind of mercy enforced stupor.
Rose looked over quizzically as they stood up, or rather, as Jack stood up and dragged the Doctor to his feet by his arms and almost pulling them out of their sockets in the process.
"I'm just gonna go an' resuscitate the Doc." Jack explained, indicating the Doctor's empty stare at nothing in particular. She simply nodded, and returned her attention to Jackie, who was now explaining how Beth was going to come over to the flat later and bring her little six-year-old nieces; Alyson and Emily.
Unfortunately, it seemed that Jack had confiscated the Sonic at just the wrong time, as the part of the ceiling that the Doctor had been fixing/breaking/fiddling with chose that moment to groan and fall in, showering the Doctor in plaster and debris, settling in his hair and turning his suit and coat white as a fresh snow fall, finally hitting both Time Lord and surrounding furniture with a resounding crash.
The Doctor blinked, waking up and looking around him, casting a look at the couch where he'd been sitting, which was now covered in what looked like flour.
"Sorry. Zoned out for a bit there I think. Did someone say something?" He asked innocently, before looking down at himself, and wondering why his suit was white. "What happened here? Has Jackie been cooking again?" Jackie was coming towards him, looking very menacing and wielding what looked like a baseball bat. For some reason he guessed that the snow had something to do with him. He looked over to Jack for help. "Going? Now?"
"Going now!" Jack confirmed, dragging the still dazed Doctor away from the fuming Jackie Tyler and towards the safety of the TARDIS. Rose quickly got up and restrained her mother, trying to persuade her to let the Doctor live, or to at least let him live long enough to come back to the flat where she could kill him with less effort.
"'E destroyed my ceilin'!"
"I know, mum..."
"'Ow does 'e do it? Even when 'e isn't doin' noffin' 'e still manages to collapse my 'ome!"
"I don't know, mum... Just leave him will ya?" She moaned, moving to make another cup of tea that didn't have sections of the ceiling floating across its surface.
The Doctor and Jack burst through the TARDIS doors, closing them quickly to keep the wrath of the Tyler slap firmly away from their faces. They both collapsed onto the chair, gasping for breath.
"I thought we were goners then.." The Doctor revealed.
"Nah! Nothing beats Team TARDIS, not even Rose's mum. "Jack gloated" "Boy, I'm never ever going to doubt you when you say that Jackie Tyler will be the death of you, and that's why you try to avoid all the domestic Tyler stuff." He looked around. The TARDIS was big and empty, humming with the power of the Vortex. "Now whaddda we do?"
"Well I don't know what you were planning to do, but I've got some repairs to do, and they're the kind that work best with two pairs of hands, if you'd care to lend me yours?"The Doctor hinted strongly.
"No prob Doc!" Jack smiled, then straightened up and pulled off a stiff salute. "Awaiting orders, SIR!"
The Doctor rubbed the back of his neck and turned away, embarrassed.
"Put your hand down Jack, I don't do salutes." He looked down at himself, realising that he was still covered in a section of Jackie's ceiling. "But first I need a shower"
"I'm all for that!" Jack said without missing a beat, leaping up and looking very eager. The Doctor's eyebrow disappeared into his hairline.
"Don't go there Captain. I'm going to have shower, ON MY OWN, and then when I come back we'll start." Then he turned and disappeared into the depths of his TARDIS.
Jack passed the futuristic tool underneath the console where the Doctor's legs were protruding from. The Time Lord's hand appeared for a moment to grab for the tool, then disappeared again, taking the item with it.
Jack jumped and looked round as the TARDIS doors opened and Rose snuck in. Glancing at the pair of leads that indicated the Doctor's current position, it appeared that the offending alien hadn't heard the intrusion. Rose came over to Jack, and he did one of those fancy "After you" bows, indicating where the alien was tinkering. Rose smiled at him, then crept over to the converse-clad feet. Crouching down, she waited for a few seconds before (doing a very good impression of her mother), she shouted "Wotcha gonna do abou' my ceilin' then?!"
The Doctor's head hit the underside of the console with a loud crash and his pained cry rang out, and he scrambled away over to the other side of the console, suddenly popping up, nursing the apple sized lump growing out from his forehead, groaning. He visibly relaxed as he saw who it was.
"Rose!" He yelled, as the offending human giggled and ran from the TARDIS. "That Rose Tyler will be the death of me if her mum doesn't get to me first." He sighed.
"Better her then some of the others that want you gone though, right?"
"'Suppose" He clapped his hands. "Now then, let's see if it worked."
"You mean, if it still works after what you did to it!" Jack teased.
"Watch it!" The Doctor warned. He walked round the console until he was standing opposite Jack, and pulled down a lever.
The console lit up with a brilliant green light, radiating from where the Doctor had been tinkering, the whole room seeming to glow with a bright brilliance. Jack laughed out loud and the Doctor Woohoooed loudly. The light spread out further, engulfing them both and drowning out the surrounding world. The only things they could see were each other and the Time Rotor.
Then the pain came, spreading from their heads along their limbs and backs and necks, their bodies stiffening and contorting. They yelled each others names hoping the other could hear them, before the glow receded and the darkness claimed them.
Enjoy?
Reviewer's get banana's!