"Modern Affairs" - PART TWO
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So... voting's begun for the Slash Backslash contest and I figure it's okay to post the second part now. I'm up against some really well-known names in slash so I'd appreciate any little help you can give me. As a bribe, here's the "happy ending" you've been asking for. GO VOTE!
(Click on the link on my profile under the awards category and click "Vote Now!" at the top right. Check the box for Modern Affairs and click Vote!)
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I considered myself a happy guy. Sure, there were aspects of my life I couldn't control which caused immeasurable moments of sadness, but those were passing. They were often drowned out with alcohol and meaningless, casual sex with coworkers. I was pretty good at dealing with the everyday, with coping. It was large, life-altering moments that clung to my heart and sucked the life from me.
Jasper's wedding had been the worst of these.
He'd been freaking out all over the place and asked me to cling to him like glue. It'd been two months since we ended our affair so the wounds were still fresh. I didn't have an Alice to go home to so I just swallowed my feelings, but this was a wedding so the booze wouldn't come until at least another two hours of biblical rhetoric.
I hadn't been asked to do much to help the wedding though I would have been more than happy to do so. I wanted him to be happy. I broke up with him for this very reason. I'd had five whole months of laughter, love, and sex with the man I loved. It had been enough for a lifetime and I wasn't asking for more. Alice understood this.
She was a great actress. When Jazz brought me home for the first time after I finally agreed to be his best man, she shook my hand and introduced herself as though we'd never met. She shot me sad, knowing glances when he wasn't looking. It was the first time I had ever seen pity. I had known disgust, desire, indifference, even outright hate. I had never been pitied. I forgave it because I knew it came from a guilty place.
Jazz went to get us a bottle of wine for dinner. I asked to stay to help her finish cooking. Truthfully, I just didn't want to be alone with him. It'd have been the equivalent of purposefully locking myself in the lion's cage. No thank you. I even offered to fetch it for us but he insisted. Jazz was useless in the kitchen anyway since he'd had a battalion of women around him since he was born, ready and able to cook anything his little heart desired. I was on my own practically since birth so I could at least boil water like the best of them. I watched her from afar and fetched her things when she needed them. I more or less knew my way around their kitchen.
She didn't really like to talk, much like Jazz. She did so only when asked something and then, she was beyond enthusiastic. She was like an Energizer bunny with an on and off switch. She was perfect for Jazz.
I sat on the counter like I owned the place and watched her check the chicken breasts in the oven. She continued to stir some bubbly white sauce in a pan and talked softly about one thing or another. I wasn't paying much attention to the conversation since it seemed pretty one-sided. She noticed and shot me a quick smirk, stopping completely. I wasn't interested so she moved on, despite how hard we'd all attempted not to talk about our pasts altogether.
"He wanted us to have this dinner, you know," she said after a moment of silence, continuing to stir in a slow, steady rhythm.
That sure as fuck caught my attention. I straightened right up. We were going to be brave and talk about it, about us. "He told me you wanted to meet me before the wedding," I replied.
She shook her head and smiled. She took the sauce off the stovetop and explained. "He hadn't talked about you in a month. He usually talks about you a couple times a week, tells me when you call or something platonic like that. I catch him drifting off a lot. He gets all pensive and smiles to himself and I know he's thinking of you. He copies your smirk to a tee. A week ago, we were at a fashion show for a friend of mine and he was his usual self, nothing special. He hadn't seen you for a while, I knew, but I thought he was finally getting over you, you know? Then this jerk named James from my friend's design team comes up and starts flirting with me while Jasper's getting us drinks."
"And Jazz didn't do anything?" I interrupted.
She shook her head again and checked on the chicken for the third time in five minutes, her little nervous tick. She smiled brighter at my reaction but still avoided my eyes. Was it the pity or the guilt, I wondered. I never really got an answer but she eventually got over it.
She continued, "He didn't really notice. He was on the other side of the room, but he's coming back and James has me cornered against a wall! Guess what he does."
"Politely interrupts and pulls you away?" I offered.
She laughed and nodded. "So we're walking away and James says something about my clothing line, something I didn't even hear, and Jazz turns around and decks James across the face! James comes crashing down and I'm just standing there, wondering how much ice I'm going to need to keep his hand from blowing up like a balloon or what I'd do if he broke a knuckle. We leave and, in the car, I ask him why he did it. He says, 'It's what Edward would have done,' and that's when we decided I need to get to know you better. The dinner was his suggestion."
I started cackling halfway through her story. I just kept imagining Jasper doing anything even remotely violent and had to slide off the counter to keep from falling forward with laughter. "God, I wish I could have been there."
"So did I," she sadly admitted and my laughter slowly ceased. I walked towards her and held her hand reassuringly.
"How are you and Jazz doing? Has he changed?" I asked. I wasn't sure I wanted to know but I felt I had to ask. I felt like Alice was an extension of Jazz and thus, instantly trusted her. I couldn't really ask Jazz how he was doing without admitting to still wanting him desperately but I could ask Alice.
"He's still Jazz," she said. "You were right, I guess. He didn't suddenly become more affectionate or drift away. He's the same as he was with you so I have to believe he does love me. He hides his feelings but you and I both know he would have changed if he didn't care about me. How 'bout you? I can take care of Jazz but who takes care of you?"
I smirked and joked, "Mike the mail boy."
She burst out laughing and put her hand on my chest to steady herself, shaking her head. "No, you nymphomaniac! I mean actually taking care of you."
I shrugged. "Nobody's ever taken care of me, Al, not even Jazz. I'm a lone wolf."
Her laughter got louder, melodic. "You poor puppy! It's your own fault, you know!"
"I know! I know! But I don't want anybody."
The pity came rushing back into her eyes. "Anybody else?" she finished for me. I shot her my cockiest one-sided smirk. "Are you just going to go on for the rest of your life pining for him?"
I rolled my eyes and let go of her hand, backing up one large step. "I'm not pining, Al. I don't want to spend my life with anyone! Why is that so hard to believe? I like having Mike the mail boy and Ben the upstairs neighbor and the cute redhead from last night's club in my life. I like pleasure. I'm complete with it. If it gets lonely, I just go out again."
The little girl who'd showed up at my door had gone. She was more like Jazz than I imagined. She deeply cared about everyone around her. Unlike Jazz, she actually did something about it. "And do what? Hook up? Get drunk? Take whatever powdered shit they have in the back room? Jazz has told me how you live! He's constantly worried about you, especially now that you obviously don't talk as much anymore."
Jazz had not said anything about my night-time habits. He made jokes about my past partners but never made his disappointment known. I hadn't gone out when we were together, even though we never said we'd be exclusive. It was obvious that he had Alice but I had never made any promise to be with him alone. I tried to think back on all those casual goodbyes, his expression every time he left me. There had been a tinge of worry there that I always chalked up to his situation with Al and her inevitable discovery. I never thought it might be worry over my well-being, whether he came back the next day just to check to make sure I was still alive.
Alice could see the realization on my face and let me work it out in quiet. "I think I need to talk to him," I whispered.
She nodded and waved towards the door. "He'll be coming up soon. I'd hurry and catch him in the hallway before he gets to the door."
"You gonna be okay?" I asked her before I left, making sweeping motions with my arm.
She smiled sweetly and reworded my question. She was blunt. I liked it. "You mean is it okay to talk to my fiancé when I'm not in the room? Am I constantly worried that you're going to pick up the affair right where you left off?" I nodded, my cheeks suddenly warm. She scoffed. "Of course, dumbass! I'm going to spend the rest of my life worried about that. Lucky for me, I know you're the only one he'd ever leave me for and you have more morals – twisted as they may be – than even he does. So go on. I fucking trust you. I guess."
I laughed and went. I waited in the only elevator, positive he wouldn't take the stairs. We were on the sixth floor and he'd probably be carrying booze, if he hadn't drunk it all already. I certainly would have. People got on and off but I remained. It reached the first floor and there he was. He lit up when he saw me leaned up against the back wall, my arms crossed with that odd expression of frustration I got whenever I worked out a speech.
"What, you weren't leaving, were you?" he asked.
He stepped inside and pressed the sixth floor button, not waiting for an answer. He wasn't going to let me leave. I didn't plan to. I hit the emergency stop button and took the brown paper bag out of his arm. I set it down on the floor and he suddenly got the severity of the situation. I wanted to have a serious talk. He exhaled and leaned up against the opposite wall, as far away as possible.
"Something changed," he said. "Is this about us?"
I realized how it looked. We hadn't been so close in a while, certainly not so alone. The sexual tension was never going to leave. Even though I was pretty sure I was having an epiphany, I couldn't help but notice the way his shirt clung to him or the way it lifted up and revealed two beautiful, protruding hip bones when he scratched the back of his head nervously. I cleared my throat and he got the hint to stop it. He lowered his arm, securing them behind his back, and fixed his eyes on my shoes.
"Has something happened?"
I shook my head. "No, hon. I just wanted to know something. It doesn't change a thing, okay. I just want to know." He gulped and his eyes shot back up to me. I continued, "When we were together, did you ever think I was seeing someone else?"
"What?" he asked with a laugh.
"I'm serious. Alice told me that you worry about me. Is that true?" I insisted, seconds away from gritting my teeth like an animal. "IS IT TRUE?"
"YES!" he shouted back, stepping forward. The anger he'd been hiding exploded out of his pores at my persistence. "I fucking loved you but you never said I was the only one! You never hid any of your little games before we were together. Then you stopped talking and I couldn't tell you how much I wished things had changed, that you'd changed. I couldn't ask you that when I had Alice. And then you break it off, claiming it wasn't working, and I'm left wondering if you just weren't getting enough from me, whether you needed more than I alone could ever give you. Admit it, Edward! You're just not a one-man man."
I was furious but I couldn't help the chuckle at the last part. I quickly sobered up but the whole thing was ridiculous. I opened my mouth to correct him but I couldn't. I just gaped at him like a fish underwater, desperate for air. I wanted him to know the truth. I couldn't stand the lie anymore but Alice's little face flashed in my head, her smile especially. I couldn't hurt her now.
"I don't want you to worry about me," I honestly replied. It was the best I could do without correcting him, without opening up old wounds.
"How the fuck do you want me to do that, Edward? Tell me."
I smirked because I absolutely loved this new aggressiveness. If this had been a few months ago, I would have thrown him up against the wall and ripped his pants off.
"What if I promise to stop?" I whispered. "What if I stopped going out and fucking everything I see? What if I lock up the booze and stopped the drugs? Would you stop worrying?"
He just scoffed and backed away. I instantly longed for the closeness again. I wanted to start another fight just to get this level of emotion out of him. Even after that week he decided to give S&M a try, it wasn't this real, this intense. He had to have been bottling it up for a while.
"Edward, I would never ask that of you."
His response caught me off guard so I closed the space for him. "Why the fuck not? It's not like it's an unreasonable request."
"Man, I've always known you care about me. I knew you'd do anything I asked. It's mutual, always will be, but you don't have relationships. You don't know how and you never wanted to learn. Look at us! The only way I could keep you as long as I did was by locking you up in that apartment. You like sex, Ed. It's how you compensate for not having all the other crap."
I wished I could say anything about that but it was true. It was the exact same conversation I'd had with Alice, only he knew my point and defended me and my right to fuck whoever I wanted. What's worse, he offered me a different scenario. I'd always thought we'd stayed at the apartment because he couldn't risk being seen with me. I didn't think it had anything to do with my habits. For just a flicker of a moment, I pondered whether or not maybe we could have worked out, in public.
"What do you want me to do then?"
He closed his eyes and said, "Tell me about it. You used to tell me everyone you fucked like you were telling me what you'd had for lunch. We broke off what we had and you just stopped talking about it like it was going to change something. I never cared who you fucked! Just talk to me! Tell me the truth, tell me where you'll be so I know where to look when you don't make it home again!"
I gulped, remembering that morning I'd woken up in Fort Worth. I had to call Jazz from a gas station to come pick me up because I couldn't find my phone. Since then, I've been a bit more careful. I still had no clue how I got there, only that I'd walked a large part and hadn't slept with anyone. As long as I remembered who I slept with, I knew I was being safe. That was the most important thing. No condom, no ride on my disco stick. Period. Not even with Jasper.
"Deal," I answered. It took him by surprise. He expected me to complain and demand my independence now that we weren't together anymore. If one of us had been a chick, this conversation would have taken a completely different turn.
"What do you mean deal?"
"I mean I'll follow your rules. I'll cut down on the crazy shit, just enough to keep me fun but safe and the rest, I'll tell you about. You sure though? The instant it gets sick, you better fucking tell me or I disappear completely. This thing we have, this friendship, is the only relationship I would never give up on. All these years, all these arguments and ugly truths, we never lose touch for long."
Something I said made him jump. "Never give up on…" he echoed softly. I wondered then if he knew. He could read me like no one else. The way his eyes grew large and he stared, mesmerized. I was forced to avoid the beautiful blue I loved. It just fueled his suspicions.
The confidence he'd developed from his relationship with Alice, this new fierceness he developed after his relationship with me… it resurfaced and he rode the wave. This little back and forth, advance and retreat dance we'd had for the last ten minutes suddenly reached an ending and he pinned me against the wall.
"You still love me," he said with a triumphant smile. "I knew it."
His eyes were suddenly like sapphires, brilliant. I stopped breathing, praying my heartbeat didn't give me away. I was sure the entire floor could hear it.
"Of course I love you. I never said I didn't. I said we weren't working. That was it," I confessed. I might as well have kept quiet. He had no interest in my mouth's ability to emit sound. He leaned in slowly, his smile increasing. I shut my eyes and gritted my teeth, praying he'd realize I was unwilling and stopped.
He didn't, of course. That would have meant my life was easy and not this fucked up mess I'd built for myself. He undid the top button of my jeans with one hand, a trick I'd taught him, and slid down the zipper. His hand slipped inside and stroked my length so slowly that I had to hold my breath and purse my lips to control myself. My palms were flat against the metal wall but I could have sworn my nails went right through. I couldn't move.
His other hand caressed the stubble on my jaw. He traced my bottom lip with his thumb and I exhaled, succumbing to him. I cursed to myself but my hands remained clawed. He pulled my cock out and went to kiss my jaw, avoiding my unwilling lips. I knew he wouldn't go further unless I gave him the go-ahead, even a tiny kiss back or a moan. I had to remind him, and myself, of why we broke it off in the first place.
"Alice is right outside this elevator, Jazz. You forget about her?"
It was a low blow but it was necessary. He stiffened but reached to cup my balls nonetheless. It was freezing in the elevator so his cold hands on the warmest part of my anatomy were making me edgy. I made a note not to make him angry. If he squeezed anything too hard, I was going to be walking funny for a month.
"No, I didn't fucking forget about her. I never did. That was you. You never cared that I was with her. What changed, Edward? What did I do?"
I had the sudden desire to cry. It was all over my face and it made him drop all of me, instantly. I couldn't tell him. I still couldn't tell him.
He apologized and backed away again. He turned his back to me to face the buttons while I put everything back in my pants, zipped up, and straightened my shirt. I cleared my throat to give him the OK and he unlocked the elevator. I picked up the wine off the floor. The doors opened and we walked back to dinner. Alice was waiting, the table set. She was looking through Jazz's CDs for something but abandoned everything when she saw us come in.
"You two good?" she asked, glancing at me for an explanation. My tired, hooded eyes gave her the answer. If I'd gotten some in an elevator, I would have been a hell of a lot happier, maybe even a little lushy.
"We're good," I answered. "We made a deal. Though if I'm gonna be cutting back on the sex, I expect a lot more dinners out of you two. Gotta keep my mind occupied somehow."
Jazz still looked deathly and walked past me to kiss Alice hello. Strangely enough, it didn't make me jealous. I liked Alice. I gave a sharp laugh and Jazz snapped to face me. "What?" he demanded sourly.
"You guys are cute together," I said, going to sit at the table. He wasn't amused.
They followed and the mindless conversations continued. I didn't pay much attention to those either until Jasper decided to be a vindictive ass and ask, "So Edward. You seeing anyone?"
I nearly choked on a mouthful of linguini. Alice dropped her utensils and moved her hands and eyes to her lap. "You'd be the first to know, honey," I replied, just as cruelly. He thought the conversation was for Alice but she just looked like she wanted to get out there.
"No, come on. Don't be shy. Alice has a gay cousin. She gets it."
I bit the inside of my cheeks to keep from jumping to my feet and decking him. Alice beat me to it. She stood and threw her arms in the air in exasperated surrender. "Oh would you just get over it!" she shouted, playing her part. I was proud of her. "Was is it going to take for you two to get over this stupid sexual tension you've got left over from when you were kids?"
Jazz's eyes widened. "Alice!" he shouted. He still didn't get that she knew. She knew everything, that is wasn't just since we were kids and it wasn't left over. It was still active and trying to claim the last bit of my soul I'd managed to retain.
"What? You're allowed to be rude and inappropriate and I'm not? Edward said it, Jazz. We're too alike for our own good. And you're right. I fucking get it. So tell me. What changed? What more can I do?"
"How'd you know?" Jazz asked, barely audible. His eyes flew around all over the place, searching his memory for something that had given him away.
Alice lied. All we knew to do was lie. "I know you. I knew it the instant you both walked through that door this afternoon. You're like two teenagers."
Jazz shook his head and stood too. "And you're just okay with that?" he screeched.
He was getting louder, angrier. He couldn't understand what Alice and I did, that loving more than one person was normal and that it didn't endanger what he and Alice had. We just had to end so that he and Alice could live their lives on their own. It just never occurred to me that Alice really didn't mind that Jasper wanted me or even that I wanted him right back. Maybe she knew she'd always win.
"You're the only one in this room who gives a damn," I answered for her.
I stood too and rounded the table. I wrapped an arm around Alice's waist and, against everything I knew to be true, brought my lips to hers.
I saw her as a softer, smaller version of Jazz and that seemed to help. Jasper had to be able to tell how uncomfortable I was doing this but he didn't intervene right away. Alice barely moved her lips but it was enough to fake it. I didn't pull away, crushing her chest to mine. She was so small that I thought she was going to slip out of my arms and float away.
It took him a minute or two to respond but he did. He took my arm and pulled me off her. I expected to see him angry and hurt. He wasn't. He was just tired of pretending.
"Stop," he whispered, pleading me with his eyes. "Don't take this out on her."
Then, Alice surprised me. She caressed Jasper's cheek and pulled him down to her for a much more passionate kiss. I watched and waited for Alice's permission. She broke away from him and looked from one to the other, her two favorite boys. It was the most painful kiss of my life because I knew what it meant – nothing – but I did it nonetheless.
I kissed Jasper, tenderly and slowly, as his fiancé watched.
She let out a tiny moan and then, the frenzy began. We crashed, all three of us. It was an odd tangle of arms and legs and kisses in even odder areas that were never otherwise sensuous like arms and the middle of the back, just so we had something to do with our lips. We started tearing our own clothes off because it was too confusing to coordinate who'd take off whose.
Alice was the first to move towards the couch in the corner that looked like it belonged in a shrink's office. All she had to do was slip off those straps on her little dress and she was down to a strapless bra and panties, both a jaunty yellow. I was still working on my socks, hopping around on one foot. Jasper pulled off his pants quickly and I noticed his arousal was almost at full force. Of course, to him, this was all very natural. He'd been with women and men. Alice had been with all sorts of men, no doubt.
But I had never been with a woman.
Sure, I knew the basic anatomy and what everything did. I went to public school after all and you learn the rest from an orgy or two here and there but I'd just watched before. I'd never joined in. I lingered back, one sock still on. I looked at them as Alice lied back on the couch and Jasper slid slowly down atop her, lining their bodies up. I wasn't sure where I was supposed to go except behind Jasper. Alice looked up at me, beckoning me over. I could see my own fear mirrored in her eyes.
"Come," she whispered, extending a hand up to me. I crossed the living room and bent down to kiss her upside-down quickly, if only to thank her for this one last release. I hadn't expected my last time with Jasper to be my last time so the memory was unclear and our bodies hadn't registered the goodbye. This was it.
She understood my naiveté with the female form and looked from me to Jasper to me again, signaling me to take care of him and him alone. I kissed her again, another thanks, as Jasper watched on his knees, straddling her. I ran my hands up Jasper's spine. He shivered and looked back over his shoulder. I trailed my kisses from his lips to his jaw to that spot he liked beneath his ear.
I quickly understood that this was not a regular threesome the likes of which I'd seen in many late-night porn sessions. The point was not the girl. It was Jazz. He took care of Alice and I took care of him. Nobody needed to take care of me. I'd never needed anyone else.
He slowly bent over and started these slow circling motions on her crotch, moving the underwear aside to reveal her sex to better rub at her clit between sloppy, slippery kisses. My cheeks caught fire at the sight, not that I was necessarily quite aroused yet and there wasn't much I could do without lube. I ran my hands up and down his sides and when he bent over, I bent over him and reached around his hip for his cock, stroking up and down as he began fingering Alice without the slightest warning. He fit right in and used his thumb to keep massaging what I imagined was her clit. It was so small and completely outside her opening so I had no idea how women got off at all.
I had to hand it to them though. They came with their lube built in. I heard Jasper whisper in her ear, "Baby, you're so wet," and paused my strokes for a moment. I had never heard those words uttered during sex outside of a shower. Usually, it went more like, "Baby, you're so big," or "Ah, stop! It hurts! It hurts!"
Jazz had to be doing something right because she started to thrash about and moan. I'd never heard a man moan like that. Everything was new and strange, since I was used to seeing this on a computer screen and usually only for two minutes before all the guys came along and took it over. Her pitch was higher than a man's, obviously, but it just made everything seem more erotic. It sounded like Jazz was sincerely rocking her fucking world. I was envious and leaned forward to kiss his neck, calling for a little attention.
Alice arched her back, pushing his fingers deeper into her. He was in all four fingers while his thumb kept making circles over the fleshy part at the end of the other fleshy parts. I was amazed by how much Alice seemed to be enjoying herself while Jazz just grunted. Alice came and it was beautiful to see on her face. I was still rubbing down Jasper from behind and finally started to want to join the situation. It wasn't a goodbye. It was just another late-night adventure, I figured. It was easier to get aroused if I just kept thinking that.
I rubbed my dick between Jasper's cheeks and pressed myself to him for a better grip. Jazz had a smaller frame than I did, than I was used to. I let out a small moan but Alice was apparently riding a second wave of something glorious. Jazz reached back with his left hand and grabbed my ass, pressing me to him even harder. I moaned into his shoulder blade and began to thrust my hips as though I were inside him.
Alice was coming down the wave and Jazz had pulled out his fingers. I wondered if it was over but neither Jazz nor I had come yet and stopping before that happened was blasphemy in my world. Jazz straightened up and I stopped my motions over his dick. He was stiff as a literal piece of wood but he was stopping. Straight sex continued to confuse me.
He smoothed the hair back from Alice's face and tilted his head to the right. I couldn't see his face but I was sure he was smiling lovingly. He'd done that very thing to me and I closed my eyes just to remember that day.
"Honey, where do you keep the lube and the condoms?" he asked Alice casually.
"Oh!" she shouted. "I completely forgot you need those. Yea, they're in one of my white dresser drawers."
He nodded, gave her a quick peck on the lips and went in search of our supplies. I just knelt there, looking down at Alice on her back, her legs spread. She was following Jasper with her eyes, licking her lips as though missing him already. She realized I was above her and closed her legs, moving her underwear back into place.
"Sorry. I'm on the pill and since I'm only with him, that stuff is kind of unnecessary. I'm sure this didn't seem that great to you. Are you enjoying it even a little?" she asked considerately.
I smirked and relaxed, running my clean hand over my eyes. I sat down on my ankles and nodded. "Yea, sorry. I'm not used to female anatomy."
Her eyes widened and she pushed herself up onto her elbows to better look at me. My nudity didn't seem to surprise her. She didn't even notice the one sock I was still wearing. "You've never been with a woman?" she asked, her voice dripping disbelief.
"You're the first one I kiss too, love. Feel special."
"I do! I do!" she answered, nodding enthusiastically. She looked about at the implications. "You curious?"
I laughed a little, more out of awkwardness than anything. I shrugged. "I kind of am. Not for the reasons a teenage boy might be curious but still."
She opened up her legs again and said, "Hey, if we're going to be doing this, you might as well get a full education. I don't mind."
I scoffed, my smile gone. "How can you not mind?"
She raised an eyebrow. "Honey, I'm just coming off a multiple orgasm from being in bed with two men. Do you really think I care? I'm on fucking cloud nine. Besides, Jazz knows that the moment I took off my dress, I agreed to anything."
"But Jazz—"
She looked up over her right shoulder to their bedroom. I could hear light cursing and rifling like Jazz wasn't having much luck finding the stuff. "Jazz, baby, you mind if I use Edward for a bit?" she said in an almost conversational tone.
"I haven't found the fucking condoms yet!" a disembodied voice responded.
We both laughed. "We won't need one for this!" I promised.
A second later, he replied, "Go ahead!"
She reached for the elastic on her underwear and pulled it off, throwing it over her head. She opened her legs as far as they'd go and repeated, "Go ahead."
My eyes shot open. "Uh, ahead with what?" She held back the laughter. She undid her bra too, reached up, and took my hands. She brought them up to her breast and squeezed for me. I felt like I was playing with fleshy, warm water balloons. "Yea, okay. Those are different."
She laughed and moved my hands about her skin, lower and lower. We got to her crotch and I cupped her. I shot her a look, asking for permission, and slipped my middle finger inside her, testing how deep I could go. She barely felt it. I would have been jumping. I pulled it out and slipped in two. I pressed my thumb down where Jazz had but didn't swirl. She was so fucking warm inside and sticky, even though neither of us had gone off inside her.
"Thanks," I told her and, before I could cut her off, continued, "For letting me feel what Jazz does every day."
"Think you might switch teams?" she joked.
I laughed hysterically and pulled out of her. "No fucking way. I appreciate the anatomy lesson but I don't get why you even care about me, why you'd allow yourself to do give in to Jasper's twisted little mindset."
"I promise you. It's my pleasure, and because you're my friend too now. I like you. You're honest and beautiful and you know parts of Jazz that I can never know. I figure that having you close to me will get me closer to those parts of him."
"Those may be the most profound words anyone's ever said to me while on their back with their legs wide open." I sighed and brought my fingers up to my face. I looked at them for a moment and decided I might as well taste her. Definitely a bit different too.
When I looked up, Jazz was leaning in the doorway with a box of condoms and a tube of lube, his brow furrowed.
"Sorry," I said and slid off the couch, standing pathetically limp and useless. I couldn't even look him in the eyes.
He walked up to me and handed me the tube. I wasn't used to being this submissive to him but I was in his place, with his girl. I felt like I could do something wrong at any moment and lose him forever. He saw it on my face and tried to smile.
"It's okay, babe," he said, reaching up to rake my hair back. It wasn't the physical intimacy that bothered me. It was the fact that he was so comfortable doing all these little signs of love in front of another person. I missed my apartment so badly. "For the love of God, relax, Edward. It's not like you haven't done worse with people you didn't even know."
That's right. With people I didn't know. This was completely different.
He dropped the box on the coffee table and ran his hands up and down my arms. It did soothe me. I'd had an audience before. It'd just never been a woman. It'd never been someone as virtuous as Alice, who looked upon us with curiosity and unequivocal patience. It was always other horny men who licked their lips and wanked in a corner, usually too timid to take part themselves.
"I want to watch," Alice said, sitting up on the couch and hugging her knees.
Jasper's eyes were on me now. He could compartmentalize like a pro. When he was fingering Alice, he was entirely focused on her. When he was covering my dick in sticky lube, he was focused on me. The only way I could get even remotely turned on was by pretending Alice wasn't there. The moment I did, my body began to respond to Jazz as it normally did.
Our tongues met and fought for dominance. The craving for each other's warmth was stronger than ever. I think Jazz understood that we only had one last chance at this before the wedding. After those vows were made, neither of them would ever break them. They believed in monogamy, in duty and commitment. I didn't, at least not in the physical sense.
"This is it," I warned him as he pressed our bodies together, clenching my ass for dear life. Suddenly, the proximity wasn't erotic at all. It was just pathetic. I couldn't kiss him enough and, at the same time, I couldn't stand to kiss him anymore. The pain of knowing he would never be mine again started to sink in and, though I didn't cry, I couldn't help the sobs. My shoulders shook and I buried my face in his neck. He stopped any stroking and clawing of my back and just hugged me. So tight and yet, not tight enough.
"I'm sorry, Edward. You shouldn't have had to feel like you had to do this. It's ridiculous. I'm sorry," said Alice from the couch.
"What do you mean?" asked Jazz. He knew something was going on, that Alice and I were in some form of cahoots. "What the fuck did you guys talk about when I wasn't here?"
I shook my head and pushed him off. I wiped his taste off my lips on the back of my arm and went in search of my clothes. When I left, Jazz was staring at Alice, trying to read the plan as though it were written on her face. Nobody tried to stop me and I never found out what they said.
I saw them again at the rehearsal dinner. They seemed happy and nervous and adorable. I didn't shake Jasper's hand or kiss Alice's cheek hello as I normally would. I didn't bring a date, though one or two of my female friends had offered to accompany me for show. I'd turned into one of those one-night stands who transferred all their frustration on a partner they'd never see again. Sure, sometimes it made for good, angsty sex. In my case, it ended with me running out of a room before the guy decided he wanted to cuddle, just to end up sobbing in the bathroom after they left.
The dinner was a dinner. I was just another guest. I mingled with Alice's gay cousin, who was kind of a heartthrob, as it turned out, the kind that looked best in black and white photos. But, he was only recently out of the closet. It'd be like dating a virgin and those things never went well, not with my level of experience. We flirted and fucked after dinner and we never called each other again. Ah, the good ole times.
We kissed at the wedding against a wall of the church, which didn't make me feel nearly as guilty as it should have. It was an act of defiance from someone who knew they'd never see a heaven in this life or the next. I even winked at the priest on the way to the church. They put Jazz and me in another little room behind the altar so Jazz could get ready. I was doing the best man thing and trying to calm him down but, right now, it just involved me sitting in a chair in a corner and listening to him freak out about kids and the future while he fixed his tie for the hundredth time.
There was a half hour till the wedding and all I kept thinking was how long it'd take me to bleed out if I stabbed myself in the neck. I didn't care about kids and marriage, never even considered the possibility. I especially didn't want to hear Jasper talking about all this but I also knew he just didn't want to talk about us. After all, we'd left things in an awkward state.
"Don't leave me for a second, 'kay?" he pleaded for the third time since this morning.
"Like glue, Jazz," I droned. "I'll stick to you like glue."
He rolled his eyes at me in the mirror. I got fed up with his jittery attitude and stood from my chair. I must have looked furious because he instantly tensed and his hands dropped to his side, eyes wide.
"Would you leave that damn tie alone? Did you ever think that maybe I'd rather be out there flirting with Alice's cousin?" I said, throwing my arms in the air. "Or… I dunno. Anything else!"
"No one's stopping you!" he shot back, spinning on his heel to face me directly. "You're the one who agreed to be best man, you ass! Go! Go get laid!"
I smirked though still obviously irritated. "I don't want to get laid, Jazz! Would you just stop fidgeting? You're annoying the shit out of me."
I expecting him to go right back to the mirror to continue adjusting his tie but he didn't. He just stood there, waiting for me to say something or do something. I furrowed my brow and tried to distract him by waving off my previous statements and going to fix his tie myself, a fake smile plastered on my face. There was no hope for the stupid tie. He'd wrinkled it to an inch of death. I took it off and he closed his eyes instinctively. Last time I'd done that, well, it'd been a completely different situation.
I pulled off my own and looped it around his neck. I spun him around and we faced the mirror to . His eyes were the saddest I'd ever seen. Mine were worse, just torched sockets. It looked like neither of us had slept in years. Grief had a way of doing that. I got to work on his tie. His hands reached up to my arm, pulling down my hands once the tie was well done.
"You won't have a tie then," he whispered sadly, staring at our reflection.
I smirked and shrugged. "I look better like this. I doubt Alice will complain. Between you and me, I think she likes the chest hair."
He made a frown like he was about to gag but didn't. I doubt he was paying attention to me. His mind was on the girl waiting for him at the altar and her face when she came and the way she spoke so rarely yet so passionately. Hell, I'd have fallen in love with her too. It was getting easier to let him go the more I liked Alice. I was just trying to convince myself she was the better mate. It didn't matter what Jasper thought, who he loved. He deserved the best and that wasn't me.
I tried to pull my hand away but he didn't let go. "Jazz, what are you—"
He spun around and his teary eyes met mine. "Tell me again," he pleaded desperately. "Tell me why you left. I can't go up to that altar unless you tell me."
I scoffed though his expression and the intensity of his eyes were getting to me too. "We weren't working," I lied.
"What does that even mean?" he shouted, pushing me back. I didn't stumble. I saw it coming.
"It means… It means we just didn't have chemistry." Now I knew he couldn't possibly believe me. If we had anything at all, any reason to stay together, it was our chemistry. I still felt it now, the shivers down my spine as he ran his hands up my torso.
"Tell me the truth!" I winced at his tone. I wanted him to move on, not to hate me. He was forcing me into this.
"What truth, Jazz?" I pushed back. He did stumble and I fought with myself not to reach for him, to steady him. It was my nature to protect him and keep him close, even if it meant sabotaging any other relationship he might ever have had or any other chance to be truly happy.
"Tell me you don't love me that way!"
What little pieces of my heart that remained floating about my chest were now dissolved completely. "I don't fucking love you," I mumbled through gritted teeth. It didn't hurt nearly enough to say it. By then, I hated him and myself to such a degree that I would have said anything to rid myself of the pain. "You were just another fuck. You were a conquest to be had, my first love. Fucking you rid me of unresolved tension. It was cathartic. It was not, however, love. Love is waiting for you out there in a white dress. Go! Just go!"
He barely blinked, barely reacted. It was as though I'd read him too well, given in to too many of his preexisting doubts, and he had no choice but to believe me. I had finally gotten my final goodbye because this time, he had no reason to come after me.
I didn't wait for him to say anything back, not that it looked like he had any intention of talking ever again. I stormed out through the back of the church, ignoring stares and whispers as I always did. I felt like I was a mouse running through a maze with now end. I finally reached the outside and stopped to breathe, leaning forward onto my knees and praying I didn't fall forward and pass out in front of my best friend's wedding.
I gave my heart a moment, wiped away what loose tears and sweat mingled on my cheeks, and went to walk to my car when I saw Alice and her entire wedding entourage gaping at me by the limo. I didn't know what to say except, "I'm sorry, Alice. I thought I could stand there but I can't. Forgive me. He asked too much."
Again, I didn't let her respond. I heard the pitter-patter of her heels as she ran through the side entrance behind the altar. I walked to the lot, found my car and, with shaking hands, drove myself home.
The moment I closed my door behind me, I found myself free of the shock and allowed myself to break down without the need for restraint. There was no one here to judge me for crying or for falling in love with the wrong person. There was no one here to make it worse but there was also no one to make it better and it felt like whatever emotional collapse was making my knees weak would never cease and I would die in my bed.
What made it worse was that I prayed nobody would care and he could just go on living without me.
-
Someone knocked on my door around 7:00. I ignored it but it didn't go away. I hadn't changed out of my suit but it was now wrinkled and unbuttoned and hanging off me like I was the world's saddest coat rack.
After fifteen minutes of light knocking, I got up and dragged myself to the door. I expected it to be a random guy I might have made a plan with while drunk. I often had such "appointments" but I didn't remember making any. I hadn't really been out drinking since I broke up with Jazz. I preferred to drink by myself, usually in the dark in front of my TV, completely nude for better access.
I expected it to be Alice, screaming at me for not sitting through the whole wedding. For a second, I even thought it was her cousin, looking for a post-reception hook-up. I wouldn't have sent him away.
I never, not once, thought it'd be Jazz, looking just as shabby as me in the same black suit. His hair was raked back almost convulsively like he did when he thought about things deeply. He looked at me like I was a mirage, trying to find the reality behind the mess of colors and twisting worlds. And then he found me and his eyes widened, bloodshot but still beautiful.
I didn't move. I expected another argument so I didn't even speak, just waiting for the words to hit me like raindrops. I closed my eyes, bracing myself.
That's when I felt the sharp crack of fist on cheek and I was sent tumbling back. I heard the close slam behind him and whirled around, holding my aching cheekbone. How I didn't have a black eye in the morning, it was a miracle. Perhaps it was the shock of being struck by someone as meek as Jazz that hurt my pride much more than the physical force hurt my cheek. I didn't curse, didn't fight back as I normally would.
If Jazz wanted to beat me till I bled, he was entitled to in my book, but I knew he never would. I knew he just needed that one release and then he'd be done with me. I owed him a lot more than a little punch to the face could ever equate.
"You fucking liar!" he screamed, pacing in front of the door.
I went to sit on my couch's armrest, avoiding his deathly stare. "Why aren't you on your honeymoon, Jazz?" I said, practically scolding him for turning his back on the perfect life I'd built for him.
"Alice saw you go. She came looking for me, apologizing for what you both had done. She thought you'd told me!"
I groaned and covered my eyes. When I took my hand away, I expected to wake from the nightmare, that there could have been some way for him to disappear so I wouldn't have to explain why I did it.
But, as luck would have it, it had already been done for me. "She told me why you did it," he said, his voice as soft as his caresses.
I sighed with relief and fought the urge to cry out of exhaustion. Not being with Jazz was almost as emotionally taxing as being with him. "I did it for a reason, Jazz. So you could have a better life."
He cackled madly, out of breath. "What the hell made you think being with her was any better than being with you?" he asked.
He paused for a moment and I could see the answers filing inside him already, one after another like dominoes. There was nothing he could ask that he didn't already know the answer to. He'd been inside my head for years and in my bed for months but it was enough to make him an extension of my whole soul and self. That boy would be in my heart for the rest of my life.
"Did you mean what you said today?" he whispered and I realized he'd walked to me till we were almost nose to nose. He warmed my chest with his proximity. I knew he knew the answer to that, just how he knew deep down my goodbye two months ago had been a lie. He wanted me to say it and I had no more reason to lie or to hold back.
"You know damn well that I'd run in front of a train if it'd stop me from loving you. But you know it wouldn't. Nothing ever will, Jazz."
I avoided his eyes, telling his lips instead. They curled up into the tiniest smirk before he took that final step forward. His lips pressed to mine and it felt intensely satisfying, like putting the final piece into a lifelong jigsaw puzzle. His icy fingertips caressed my aching cheeks and I found my somewhat limp arms finding enough life in them to wrap around him, locking him to me forever.
The kiss became desperate, slow but never-ending. There was so much to be said but nothing that couldn't be better expressed in bed. It was how I knew to show him how much I loved him, why I let him go the way I did.
We didn't speak for two days. We didn't leave my apartment. Nobody came looking for us and we disconnected the phone. On the third day, I woke up to find him dressed in my clothes. He sat at my dinner table with a cup of coffee, staring at two airline tickets on the table. I raised an eyebrow at him but he explained before I could ask.
"They were under the door when I came to get coffee. They're from Alice. Second one's in your name."
I walked over and picked up my coffee mug from the kitchen counter. Whatever happened between us these last few months seemed to have been erased by two nights of fucking. It was a blank slate. I didn't care where those tickets went. I didn't care about the implications of spending the rest of my life with one man. I already couldn't imagine waking up to another face, another smile. I couldn't imagine other hands touching me or having other sweet lips on mine. I couldn't promise him we'd make it forever or that I wouldn't be tempted by others in the long run.
He knew this too, could read it on my face as I stared at the airline tickets. I took them in my hands, sat down beside him, and slowly turned to him. He waited for my answer with desperate eyes. If I agreed to go on that trip, it meant I agreed to leave this apartment with him for the first time. It meant we'd try for a happily ever after, a forever I always thought imaginary.
"Forever is a long time, Jazz," I reminded him softly. "I can't promise forever."
He just mirrored my usual cocky smirk and answered, "Yes, but someone once taught me… to not try at all would always be the greater crime."
All I knew was that to try with anyone else would have been a pointless endeavor. We were more than sex and more than beautiful lies. We were based in trust and love and understanding and a friendship I could never even begin to define. There was not a piece of him I didn't want or a moment I didn't need him by my side.
"I'm not asking for forever. You know I'd grant you a second chance, a third or fourth… Just promise me no more stupid games. Please. And no more blind decisions based on stupid notions on love," he begged, squeezing my hand. He already knew he'd won whatever argument I was having with my conscience.
"No more games," I answered and leaned in for a kiss from the only lips I'd ever taste again.
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