Chapter Fourteen: Everything
Summers POV
It's been 3 days, 3 agonising days, 3 days I haven't seen his face, heard his voice or felt his touch, 3 days into a life of not having a brother, a best friend, a father figure. For the past 3 days I have laid in his bed it's the only place that smells like him and makes me feel safe
I lay here tear's falling down my cheek's and Rob wiping everyone away. I can see what his hand is doing but I can not feel it. It's as if I have been given atheistic and I'm numb all over.
I have not allowed any visitors to see me only Rob, he is the only one who hasn't asked the same questions over:-
Are you ok?
Anything I can do to help?
What a stupid thing to ask
No I'm not fucking ok do I look it? And the only thing that can help me right now is bringing him back, and can you do that NO! I didn't think so.
Well that's what I wanted to say but the words won't come out, actually no words will. All I could do was shut the door and hoped they got the message. I know they are only trying to be nice but I really just need some time.
Two more days have past and I'm still the same. Rob has been talking with my parents about the funeral arrangements. Apparently my mum wants me to pick out a song. Rob chose the flowers for me he knows I loved white lilies and I always thought of them as a beautiful flower for a funeral. Rob always kept me up to date with everything my parents said, even though I never reply back to him he knows I am listening.
Rob told me what time the funeral starts and I knew it would be at my parent's local church but I didn't know the exact date until to day. Rob is driving us down to there house tomorrow so we can all travel in the car to the church on Friday. My mum has chosen me a suit to wear after Rob saying I'm in no fit state to go shopping myself. I have to say I'm terrified of Friday because the moment I see his coffin it makes this nightmare true, real and not make believe.
Just thinking about it turn's my stomach I took a deep breath and smelt his pillow before trying to fall asleep. I held on to his pillow as if it was him. Rob put his arms around me tight so I knew he was their and began to stroke my hair and hum a familiar song.
For the first time in five days I felt relax his voice soothed me. My eyes felt like they had weights on them forcing them to close and the water from my eyes stopped. It felt too good to be true.
When I woke I rolled over and saw Rob wasn't there. I searched the room and he was know where. It was the first time in six days I have been alone and I hated it. I began to go all cold and sweat appeared at my forehead and hands, my stomach turned at the thought
'Rob's gone'
I quickly jumped off my bed and ran around the flat checking he wasn't anywhere else but I couldn't find him.
'Rob's left me' 'I'm alone'
I ran back into Nathans bedroom so I could smell him, feel safe and feel him around me but when I entered everything was gone, all his stuff everything, nothing there to remind me of him just bare walls. I fell to the floor crying and screaming.
"You promised you would always be here"
"You promised Nathan" I sobbed as my body jerked involuntary like I was being pushed.
"I need you Nathan, I need you" I hit the floor it was really soft not what I expected it to feel like.
"Summer wake up, it's a bad dream" I heard as my body jerked again.
I sat up and looked around the bedroom checking everything is in the room including Rob. Everything was in the right place like they haven't been touch. I took a deep breath to calm myself and it check the room still smelt like him.
"Summer its ok everything is here, I'm here" he said in calming tone wiping away my fresh tears.
I lay back down next to him but instead of holding on tight to Nathans pillow I held Rob. I placed my head onto his chest and closed my eyes tight to stop the tears.
"Don't ever leave me ……………don't ever leave me like he did" I whispered
I felt him for the first time in 5 days; I felt his fingers touch my skin rubbing soft circles into my upper back.
"I promise" he whispered and kissed my head before continuing to hum the same song he did before.
The drive down the my parents house was ok nothing was said we just listened to the radio when I heard the most beautiful song ever it reminded me so much of him and I knew that's the song I wanted to play tomorrow.
Once we arrived at the house my mum ran to me and wrapped her loving arms around me tightly, I knew she was happy to see me but I could tell she was holding me to tight because I was all she and dad had left. She kissed my head several times and put her hands on my face and kisses my forehead.
"God I love you Summer" she said between kisses
I took a breath to talk to her but there was a lump in my throat and tears began to fall from my eyes.
"Oh Summer let it out baby girl"
I felt like a weight was lifted while I cried into my mum's shoulder I felt safe and secure and she understood everything.
My dad helped Rob with unloading our bags and put my belongings in my old bedroom but I wasn't sleeping there tonight I'm sleeping in Nathan's room.
"Why have you brought a pillow, we have plenty here" my mum quizzed Rob
"Summer won't sleep without it so we brought it with us hope you don't mind"
My mum didn't know it was Nathan's pillow and that it still smelt like him, but I think deep down she understands.
"Of course we don't, will leave you two to get settled and dinner will be at seven ok" she left and closed the door behind her.
I sat on my bed and watched Rob unpack all our clothes. All the hate I had for him before everything happened had gone now when I think of him or see him my heart feels whole not broken; he is helping me deal with losing Nathan in some kind of way.
Rob placed my laptop on the bed next to me while continuing to put clothes away. I took hold of it and turned it on and waited for it to load up. I was lucky my laptop seemed to load quiet quick; I loaded a new window and typed in the words of the song I remembered.
'I miss all the little things; I never thought that they mean everything to me'
I clicked on a few links and once I heard the right song I connected my iPod to it and downloaded the song from iTunes. I placed my laptop on the side and lay down on my bed.
"Done" Rob said after finishing unpacking
He joined me on the bed and took me in his arms. I wrapped mine around his waist and held him tight. I placed my head on his shoulder and sighed.
"He's proud of you, you know. He always told me how lucky he was to have you in his life and how much he loves you. He isn't the only who feels like that".
He leaned down and kissed my head and gave me a tight squeeze. It was nice to hear him tell me what Nathan thought of me and I really needed to hear it, and I knew he was saying he feels the same as Nathan. I tilted my head up slightly and kissed his neck so he knew I heard him
"What's that for?"
"For being here" I whispered
He held me tight and kissed my head again it felt nice that he was here.
After tea I said good night to my mum and dad for the first time in 6 days I felt tired and that I could fall asleep without tear's falling. I took my pyjamas into Nathan's room and stared to change.
I laid under the covers and closed my eyes and began to think about the funny times I had with Nathan, like every time we heard the song 'Bad Boys' from the show Cop's we both run down the stairs with sunglasses on and danced all gangster for my mum and dad or the time I nearly drown and he jumped in to save me but all I was doing was drowning him so some random man had to save us both. I began to laugh and smile to myself.
"That's the first time I have seen you smile" Rob was in the doorway in his shorts for bed
"I just came to say night and to see if you wanted me to stay with you?" he was leaning on the door frame and one hand running through his messy hair
I pulled back the covers and tapped the empty space next to me. I rolled over and Rob wrapped his warm arms around me.
"Night night pretty girl"
"Summer, Rob time to wake up and get ready"
I slowly began to open my eyes and looked at Rob who also is waking up
"Morning pretty girl" he kissed my nose
"Morning"
I sat on the edge of my bed and stretched I couldn't believe today is the day we say goodbye to him forever. Trying to hold back the tears Rob was on his knees in front of me. He took me in his arms and stroked my hair.
"You can do this and I'm with you every step and so is he just thing of him and the happy times ok" I nodded and hugged him tight
"Thanks Rob, don't know what id do without you".
"Its ok now get in the shower and get dressed we have to leave at half ten"
I put on my suit jacket and looked in the mirror
"You can do this" I said to myself
I took my iPod and placed it in my bag ready to give to the funeral director to play once my mum has spoke at the end.
"You look beautiful and allegiant, he would be so proud of you" my dad said from behind me
"I know thanks dad"
"Shall we go your mum is outside with Rob and Tom"
"Tom's here" I felt really bad I haven't spoke to him since everything happened
"yes and don't worry he understands"
I took my dads hand and walked to the front to meet everyone else.
"This is everyone" my mum told the driver
I walked over to the Hurst to see him I saw all the flowers where white and were lilies and roses.
"Only you could make the saddest day ever beautiful" I whispered while touching his coffin
"I love you big brother"
"Miss we need to go" the drive tapped my shoulder
I made my way to the car and sat next to my mum and held her tight.
The church was beautiful small, open and bright. Dad, Rob, Tom and Mark carried his coffin into the church while me and mum followed them down as did the guest who came to say goodbye.
We sat at the front right next to Nathan; I sat between my parents and held their hands tight. I didn't listen to what the vicar was saying I was to busy thinking about Nathan and how lucky I am to have him as my brother.
Surprisingly it was nearly the end of the service and my mum made her way to the stand to talk.
"I just want to say on behalf of the family thank you to everyone who came, you all knew how special Nathan is and how he touched all out hearts. I have not only lost my little boy but a best friend who makes me laugh so hard I cry. He is everything to us and………… and"
My mum broke down she couldn't stop crying and kept say and over and over again. I ran over to her and took her in my arms
"Mum sit with dad ill talk" Rob came over and helped my mum to her seat
I took a deep breath before stepping up to the microphone.
"My brother Nathan is my world. I'm so lucky I have a brother who has been there for me through the good and bad. He taught me life's to short to hold grudges against people because once there gone that's it you don't get a second chance. A chance to tell them how sorry you are or tell them how you feel or a chance to show them how much they mean to you because that's it! I know Nathan will always be watching over me from miles away and I just want to say Nathan I miss you and you're the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you lots big brother"
(Please listen to this whole song Lifehouse – Where you Are)
As I stepped back the song began to play. I wiped away the tears that fell and walked over to his coffin and kiss the top
"I won't say goodbye because that's forever Nathan ill say see you soon"
I joined my parents and Rob and sat down and watched everyone listen to the words and think of all the good times they had with Nathan.