Chapter 6

After weeks of trying to deal with the fact that Kirk would never really want him the same way that he did, Spock realized that the whole endeavor was entirely fruitless as he was the Captain's First Officer and so was required to be around the other constantly.

It was just a constant reminder of what would never be his, and, as Doctor McCoy had pointed out, it was starting to affect his health negatively, not to mention that he was in almost constant anguish over it most of the time.

He decided that his last resort, his only recourse, would be to request a transfer off of the Enterprise. He didn't want to leave the best ship in the fleet, but what choice did he really have? He knew he couldn't go on like this forever. He had to move on, no matter how much it killed him.

With this in mind, he stopped by Kirk's quarters one evening to discuss this with him, not wanting to spring the idea on him without any sort of warning. He hoped he wouldn't lose his nerve on telling Kirk though, since he knew this would be difficult for both of them.

Kirk let Spock in when he buzzed at the door. The Captain seemed to immediately notice something was wrong, so he frowned and asked, "Spock? What's up?"

"I must speak with you urgently about something." Spock said softly, trying to steel himself with what he wanted to say, not looking into Kirk's eyes because whether Kirk meant to or not, those eyes always melted his heart and made him completely helpless.

Kirk nodded to him and stepped aside to allow him inside.

"Sure," he said, eyeing him just a little suspiciously, "Spock, are you alright?"

Spock took a breath and ignored the question, knowing it would help nothing to admit just how not alright he was, and he continued, "I believe I have no choice but to request a transfer off of this ship as soon as is possible."

"A transfer?" Kirk asked, his eyebrows scrunched up in surprise, "Spock, why?"

Spock was now staring resolutely at the floor as he replied, his face going tight with emotion, "I have tried to forget, I have tried to move on, but no one else will be my t'hy'la. No one else can be you. I cannot go on tormenting myself this way, seeing you day after day."

"Spock... You can't..." Kirk said in shock, "You can't just leave."

Spock didn't dare look at Kirk, knowing he wouldn't be able to stand the disappointed expression that would be on his face, and he shook his head, saying, "I must. If we are at an impasse, I must. "

"Spock..." Kirk looked as though there was so much he wanted to say, but he just wasnt sure how to say it.

When Kirk was silent for a long moment, Spock pushed on with what he needed to say, "I wished to inform you of my intent before I officially went through with it, since I did not want you to take offense from my choice."

"I... see..." Kirk said, sounding too shocked to be reacting properly, "Thank you for thinking to tell me... I'll miss you, you know."

"I will also miss you, t'hy'la." Spock's voice got even more quiet, and he couldn't help some of his pain leaking into his tone.

"Then... Then don't go..." Kirk said, his voice cracking just a bit with a hope that cut straight into Spocks heart.

He might have been a hair's breath away from crying, that is, if he were fully human, and his voice quivered slightly in his reply, "Jim, I...I can't stay."

"You can... You have to, Spock... We can find some way to make this work." Kirk finally said in determination, not wanting to give up that easy.

Spock swore he felt his chest constrict as he tried and failed miserably in keeping his voice even, "Please understand. I want you...more than I've ever wanted anything, but it is not to be, Jim. We do not agree."

"There's got to be some way..." Kirk tried again, not willing to drop it, and Spock should have known that Kirk would never give up if he wanted something.

Spock really did admire Kirks determination at most times, even when he didnt agree, but in this case, it was all he could do not to break down and bend to what Kirk wanted, since usually his Captain was always his first priority. This time though, he had to think of himself for once. As much as he wanted to be near to the other, he couldnt live like this anymore. He couldnt.

"I have meditated on this for many hours and days, Jim. I have come up with no suitable solution." Spock said, a strange pain building inside of him.

He couldn't focus enough to pinpoint the cause of the pain, but he felt it was safe to assume that it was the subject of this conversation that was causing it.

"I can't let you leave, Spock," Kirk said, shaking his head fervently.

"Then what do you want from me?" Spock asked, his tone almost begging now, sure that he was on the verge of some sort of emotional breakdown.

His thyla wanted him to staybut this is one wish he could not grant him if he wanted to survive. His agony would eat him alive if he didnt do this.

"I..." Kirk hesitated. "Spock, I can't just let you leave... I need you here."

Spock was so torn at this point and he struggled to come up with a reply, but suddenly all he could feel was pain. And it wasn't just emotional pain. It was physical and it overwhelmed him to the point that he could no longer stand.

He fell to his knees and grabbed his stomach where the pain seemed to originate as he wondered what was happening, stuttering, "J-Jim I--"

The next thing he knew, he was coughing blood and could no longer speak.

"Spock!" Kirk gasped. "Kirk to sickbay. Bones, get down here!" he said quickly into the comm before bending at Spock's side.

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