Chapter 7

Spock was rushed into surgery immediately after being brought to sickbay, and since the Enterprise was not on an important mission at the time being, Kirk stayed with him the whole time. He was worried sick and it was obvious with the silent way he sat there with the troubled look on his face.

When McCoy finally entered the area he was waiting, Kirk quickly stood up from where he was sitting and approached the doctor quickly, "What is it, Bones? What happened to him?"

"...Do you want the medical details, or do you want the layman's version?" McCoy asked. "Neither sounds pretty."

Kirk narrowed his eyes in annoyance and said, "Just tell me what's happened to my First Officer!"

Kirk noticed that he got snappy when he was worried and under stress, and this situation definitely went under both of those categories.

"He had an ulcer," McCoy said in irritation, "It ended up perforating his stomach, causing intensified bleeding, not to mention it spilt his stomach's contents into the body cavity," he explained. "His stomach's in one piece, but there's still a good chance that he'll get an infection..."

Kirk looked at him like he was crazy. This can't be, his First Officer was always fit as a fiddle...what was he doing with a stomach ulcer this serious?

"But, how did this happen? I thought he was in good health." Kirk said, not wanting to believe him.

"He probably picked up the bacteria last time we were planetside," McCoy said. "After all, you've got more bacteria in your body than you'd think. But all the stress he's been under recently probably weakened his immune system, so the bacteria could form an ulcer, and then the stress also exacerbated it."

"What do you mean, 'stress'? If duty on the Enterprise was enough to cause this, wouldn't more of us have ulcers? And Spock, for him, work is relaxing." Kirk argued, still having trouble wrapping his mind around all this.

"You, Jim." McCoy said, rolling his eyes in absolute impatience and putting his hands on his hips.

"...me?" Kirk said, unable to really sound that surprised, given the conversation he and Spock were having right before he started coughing up blood.

"I told you; he's been stressed out over what's been going on with you. I'm not going to pretend I know how it escalated to this point, but I bet you do."

Kirk broke eye contact with McCoy at this point, now feeling like possibly the worst, cruelest human being alive. Spock was obviously so torn up over their situation, and Kirk still wanted him to stay for his own selfish needs.

But he couldn't let him go, he just couldn't. Something in him wanted Spock to stay and never go, and that scared him the most. Now he knew that what he'd been trying to avoid his whole adult life had happened right under his nose. Right under his cocky, selfish, and definitely unworthy nose.

He knew then that he loved Spock. He really loved him. He knew he loved him enough to die for him, and this was why the thought Spock separating the two of them by his own choice killed him. He knew this now, and he felt like such a moron, for things to have come to this, just for the truth to come to light.

"Jim...when the two of you talk, you need a final, definitive answer for him," McCoy tried to help after letting out a frustrated breath, "And whatever that answer is, you need to let him do whatever's going to help him. If he wakes up."

A determined light came into Kirk's eyes, and he replied, "When he wakes up, I'm finally going to tell him how I feel. God, I've been such an idiot, Bones. I've strung him along and I've hurt him, just to figure out that it was all for nothing. I thinkId be willing to try for him."

Kirk almost wished that Bones would punch him in the face, because he knew he deserved it. He put Spock' s life in danger over this, when it really was more simple than he'd ever thought. And after all of this, he was ready to accept the fact that Spock might not want him or to be with him anymore.

Maybe that Romulan Commander would treat him far better than I ever did...Kirk thought in misery.

Bones' eyes softened, seeming to realize how Kirk was struggling over his guilt, "Then that's what you tell him, Jim. Because no one can replace you for him."

"I'll tell him...but he's not going to want me. I know I wouldn't. I sorta don't even want me right now." Kirk said, shaking his head and plopping back down in the seat he was waiting in before McCoy came to speak with him.

McCoy sat down next to him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder, "Jim, he'll want you. That's the thing that makes Spock... well, Spock. You know as well as I do, he looks past the faults of a person. He loves you, Jim, and that's not gonna change anytime soon."

Kirk wouldn't look back at McCoy as he replied, "I hope you're right. I've fucked up before, but I never felt guilty about it, not really...but now...I feel like it' s almost beyond repair."

Relationships are never beyond repair if youre determined to fix them, Bones said, trying to give his friend confidence, Just talk to him. Believe me, he loves you more than he can handle.

Kirk didnt say anything, still not looking at McCoy. Finally he just nodded, hoping for the best.

* * *

In the days that followed, Kirk had to return to his duties, even if he wasnt in the mood for it at all. He just wanted to stay by Spocks side until he was sure the other was alright, but his duty to Starfleet simply couldnt be ignored since everyone depended on him to captain this ship.

This was clearly his fault, no matter which way he tried to look at the situation. No matter how much he tried not to think of the situation and concentrate specifically on his duties, his guilt always bubbled up inside of him, and Spock was never far from his thoughts.

He constantly asked Bones to update him on Spocks condition, often visiting the half Vulcan in sickbay when he wasnt on duty, and calling Bones from the bridge when he was. He was surprised that the doctor hadnt lost all patience with him by now, but it seemed as though the other understood.

In his life, there was never one person he felt so concerned over, not counting his brother and his mother, and now his feelings for Spock, along with his formidable guilt, swept over him with no way to stop it. How ironic it was for him to come to the realization that he loved someone this way for the first time only after he more than likely destroyed all chance for that person to keep loving him back.

Slowly Kirk withdrew from interacting much with the other members of his crew out of their jobs, and this made his friends really worried about him. And McCoy, even if he knew what had put Kirk in this mood was starting to get concerned, because there wasnt anything that could really keep Kirk from bouncing back before. This was the first time he had seen the other so depressed for so long.

Kirk was really glad for his friends caring about him, but he knew that maybe he had something coming like this for a long time, since Karma was a complete bitch. Maybe painful realization of this kind was a part of growing up, which also was probably a long time in coming as well. Whatever the case may be, he just had to pull through until Spock got better and finally really apologize to him.

In the times he sat with Spock, most of the visits consisted of him willing the other to get better and silent apologies for getting him into this situation in the first place. He wished that there was something he could do to hasten the others recovery, but he knew that Bones was doing everything for him that was possible.

One night, when Bones was just finishing his shift, Kirk came by to visit Spock again. Sadly, the doctor had nothing to update Kirk with, as Spocks condition showed no change. Kirk took his usual seat by the other when he visited him and he let out a melancholy sigh.

If the past days he spent at Spock's bedside taught him anything, it was that spending time with the other would just cause him undue frustration, since there was absolutely nothing he could do to help speed the others recovery. This time, he decided not to torture himself over his helplessness in this situation, and with his guilt of causing this to happen to Spock.

He just reached out to tenderly touch the other's hand, and he spoke in a tone of soft determination, "Youre going to get better, you hear me Spock? I need you working beside me on this ship, so...just come back to me. Come back."

With that, Kirk let out a sigh and then got up, deciding to just return straight to his quarters. He knew that he was definitely in for another sleepless night.

* * *