Chapter 9

When they beamed back aboard the ship, Kirk turned to Uhura as they made their way back to the bridge and he said in mild amusement, "Thanks a lot…mate."

She seemed to understand that it was just a small tease, so she stuck to giving him a small smile and said, "Yeah, about that. I'm thinking about getting you replaced."

"Is that right? Who's the lucky potential replacement?" Kirk said, raising an eyebrow in humor.

Uhura felt a bit of color coming to her cheeks, but after a mild hesitation she said, "Well, a certain Scotsman has caught my eye…"

Kirk chuckled, recalling his slightly drunk conversation with Scotty about this and he said, "That explains the eyes you two were making at each other today when we beamed up and returned to the ship."

Uhura scoffed lightly, but the blush was still obvious on her cheeks. On getting in the lift that would take them back to the bridge, she said meaningfully, "Spock's a lot more forgiving than you think."

Kirk sighed at these words from her, and he softly replied, "I hope you're right."

But the moment the both of them got on the bridge, Kirk put his situation with Spock and the other's condition out of mind at least until they finished with this mission.

* * *

Another few days passed, and speaking with Uhura at least helped him share some of his guilt. His guilt wouldn't leave until he spoke to the other though, so was back to watching Spock in sickbay whenever he wasn't on duty. He kept a watch over Spock whenever he could, his want to make everything up to the other growing with every passing hour.

Sometimes he would wait in the waiting area of the sickbay if it got to be too much for him to stare at the other's motionless form. He was slightly comforted by seeing Spock's chest rising and falling in a regular pattern, assuring him that the other was hanging on, but at times, he just couldn't take his helplessness in the situation, underlined by the other's sedentary form on the bed.

The present time was one such instance, where he was sitting in the sickbay waiting room, just trying to tell himself for the millionth time that everything would be okay. He just wanted Spock to wake up. It didn't matter if the other wanted to be with him or not. As long as he woke up…Kirk was running another anxious hand through his hair when his thoughts were suddenly interrupted.

McCoy then stepped into the waiting room and said with a half smile, "Jim, Spock's finally starting to wake up."

Kirk immediately stood up and the most honest grin in days came to his face. He didn't even have to say anything about wanting to talk to him, since McCoy knew how badly he needed to see him.

McCoy motioned for him to go on in, patting him lightly on the shoulder and saying, "He's probably still a little sore in the stomach, so go easy on him."

Kirk nodded again, and a somber look then coming to his face as he readied himself for this meeting. He would probably continue to feel like the worst human being alive as long as it took him to apologize for everything he did. He walked into the room, and he noticed that McCoy and Chapel thankfully were giving the both of them some space for this.

He went to sit beside Spock's bed and he watched the other blinking his eyes as Spock focused on him. Not sure what to do, Kirk gave Spock a very hesitant smile and said softly, "Hey."

Spock lifted his head a bit. "Captain," he greeted. "My apologies for causing you so much worry."

Hearing Spock referring to him as "Captain" in such a setting cut through his heart.

He shook his head lightly as he replied, "No, Spock, this was all my fault, and I'm sorry."

Kirk spoke as honestly and genuinely as he could manage, feeling his guilt really eating him alive at this point.

Spock frowned the slightest bit as he saw the expression on Kirk's face, and he said, "Jim. You had no fault in this. I can only thank you for notifying Doctor McCoy quickly."

"No," Kirk insisted, his eyes practically begging the other for forgiveness, and his tone getting harsh as he talked about himself, "It is my fault. I've caused you all this pain, and for what? I'm such a thoughtless person."

"Jim..." Spock was visibly touched. He lifted a hand to take the Kirk's and he softly added, "You did not wish this on me. And you are not thoughtless."

"I am selfish, I am thoughtless, and I am careless. You've tried to tell me these things before, in your own way, and I never listened. And when we were able to actually get closer, I fucked it all up." Kirk said, looking shamefully at the floor.

"You are not to blame for any of this. You were uncomfortable with the idea; I understand this. It is not your fault." Spock whispered, trying to speak in Kirk's defense, in spite of what had happened to him.

"And what sort of moron would refuse what you tried to give me? What...you've never tried to give anyone else? I threw it away because I'm a selfish coward!" Kirk said roughly with downright bitterness at himself.

"You cannot blame yourself for being uncomfortable with such an idea," Spock said.

"Yes, I can." Kirk said in raw emotion, "After seeing what happened to my mom when dad died, I decided that I didn't want to have to need someone else, or depend on them. I thought that if I was able to keep myself strictly individual, that I would be happy. And now I see...I'm not happy at all. I've hurt the one I love and now I have to see him in the pain I put him in...the pain I've caused you."

"Love?" Spock whispered quietly in a way that showed he wasn't sure he'd heard Kirk correctly.

"Yeah...love. It took all of this for me to realize it and stop denying it to myself." Kirk said, laughing mockingly at himself, "I'm such a goddamn idiot, and I know that I don't deserve you, but I wanted to let you know that I do love you, and I want to...make this all up to you."

Kirk almost laughed at himself again at just how shallow he sounded. How do you make up to someone repeated rejections of lifelong commitment, and then stressing said person to the point that you compromise their health and cause them a near fatal stomach ulcer?

Its just not possible. All through his stupidity, he messed up what he now realized was the most important relationship in his life. Spock was trying so hard to give him his love and himself...and now that it wasn't possible, he was willing to accept?

He really was a deplorable human being, he realized that now.

Spock looked at him and spoke in soft intensity, "Jim..." he said, softly. "Come closer."

Kirk knew that he was a very readily emotional person when properly compelled, and now, he was having trouble containing himself. He wanted to be the one hurting instead of Spock, he wanted to take Spock into his arms to let him know how sorry he was, he wished that he could just sink into the ground and just disappear out of the other's life so that he could stop hurting him.

And he was still scared that if he got close to Spock again, he would just hurt him worse, but with the other on a hospital bed, he knew he owed him this much, so he moved closer as was requested of him.

Spock grabbed Jim's arm. "Words are not sufficient to describe the intense relief you have just given me, t'hy'la. "

"Spock, I'm sorry...I don't want to hurt you anymore." Kirk said, looking away from him and felt a twinge in his heart, not able to take that look of affection he found in the other's eyes.

He didn't deserve that look, and he didn't know why the other still wanted to look at him that way. Kirk never felt this horrible in his life and he felt his eyes tearing up at the honest look in Spock's eyes...how the other still wanted so badly to trust him, but was hesitant to after all this.

"I want to make it all up to you...it's okay if you don't want me, and it's okay if you don't want me to stay around...I just want to do something that will make you feel good, and if it's the transfer, I'll give you that. I'll do whatever you want me to."

"Jim," Spock said. "I have never stopped wanting you. There is not a soul who could replace you in my eyes. Please... please do stay."

"You really want me to stay?" Kirk said in disbelief, hoping beyond hope that Spock would one day be able to really forgive him.

"Yes. I need you to stay, Jim."

"Then I'll stay." Kirk said, nodding and having a very serious look on his face.

This was no time to joke, especially since he wanted Spock to see that he meant this with all his soul, and that he was so, so sorry for everything.

Kirk was happy that Spock seemed to believe him, and he whispered back, "Thank you."

"Can I...kiss you?" Kirk never asked if he could do something like this before, only taking what he wanted then, but now he would not take Spock for granted.

If Spock actually still wanted him after all this, he would do anything for him, no matter the cost to himself. He had to make up for what he did, and he figured asking Spock for permission would be the best way to begin this.

"Please," Spock said, his tone pleading. "Please do."

Kirk bent over Spock and he met his lips in a very soft and loving kiss, totally undemanding. He wanted nothing out of this, as Spock had already given him far more than he ever deserved.

Spock reached up to pull Kirk closer gently, and Kirk eagerly complied, not realizing just how much he'd missed closeness with the other until now. He was careful not to push against Spock with too much pressure, as the other was likely still a bit fragile. He kissed the other as long as the air in his lungs held out, and then he pulled back and panted softly for breath.

"I love you, Spock, oh god, I love you." Kirk babbled slightly, never letting himself feel like this before.

"T'hy'la..." Spock murmured. "I love you, too."

Kirk gasped quietly as a few tears slipped out and fell on Spock's cheek. How could have refused such a gift the first time? He was a fool. And he definitely would never make this mistake again.

When Spock reached a hand up to cup Kirk's cheek gently, he leaned into the touch and he gave Spock a grin. Spock smiled back softly.

* * *