Dear Readers,

I wish you All a sweet and peaceful Christmas Eve; may you and your loved ones be blessed with good health and prosperity for the time to come. With warmest regards, Lyxie, a.k.a. prolixius5.

Chapter 5

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It's a great day today! I have been allowed to sit up!

Talk about progress!! Sitting up suddenly provides me with a brand new perspective on the world around me. I don't feel so small anymore. I can see the trees from my window. There are big beautiful trees but I can only see the tops of them.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

The "Miracle Engineer" has come to visit me today.

Actually his name is Doctor Ruben O'Brien. I first thought he was joking. Part Jewish, part Irish, he said. Interesting combination. Anyway, he said he had a very close look at the scans performed upon my arrival here and he wanted to discuss a new operation, to try and remove the remaining bullet fragment from my back.

I'm so afraid it could get worse afterwards. What if the operation fails? Even his nickname did not reassure me at once and I asked him to give me time to think about it.

Then I talked to the psychiatrist for a long time. I feel better talking to him now, a little bit more everyday and I can finally express all the anxiety I have held inside for so long. I have even managed to let out the kind of panic I feel when I think about women. He laughed and told me that I was running faster than time and that whatever the outcome, there were priorities I needed to consider first, like taking this new surgical step or not.

How can he say that sex life is not a priority? Okay, sure, not now, but what about later? No one is waiting for me back home, but I can't help thinking that I couldn't stand being regarded as disabled if I can't stand up at all.

He patiently explained that a sex life is not only about erection and ejaculation and that there are many others ways to share wonderful intimate moments. I was about to ask him: Okay, Doctor, have you ever tried NOT to use your big Bologna pony with the girls? But I kept my mouth shut.

He took all the time necessary to gently explain what I could do instead, since only my lower body was useless for now. Okay, I could figure this by myself, ya know! When can I try this? And with who? Flirting with chicks while trying to roll after them is not my idea of a romantic approach!

Then we went on with the main subject I wanted to talk about initially. The new operation. I had him call the surgeon to join, as I could not yet clearly see what the odds were.

When I asked Dr O'Brien how he got his nickname, he simply answered with great modesty and almost a sort of shyness, that he had already performed this kind of operation on a dozen patients and that they were all walking now! Did I hear it right? Is he the one who's gonna save me from this doom? Shall I finally allow my mind to dream about getting my feet down on the ground by myself and walking, perhaps running again some day? I could not think about that right away. Anyway he told me that I should sleep on it before making my final decision.

When Hutch called again later that day, I felt so happy and wanted to explain all the details of the operation to him but I had a feeling he was not really listening. He sounded tired and distant. Maybe it's the new investigation he is dealing with at the moment?

I wish he was here now. Somehow I would feel more secure and I would go through the whole procedure without hesitation, without a doubt. What if it fails and I die on the table? There is always a slight risk of complication, said my Jewish-Irish miracle surgeon. But the odds are good, considering what the latest exams have revealed. Yet, I'm afraid to do it, not knowing whether I will see Blondie again.

Perhaps disabled for now, but at least, still alive.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

Christ, it hurt even more than before!

I should not have undergone the procedure. I felt as if they had cut my legs off and my whole body was just one bloody open wound. As if all my flesh had been ripped from my bones.

When I woke up from the anesthesia, I saw the face of the nice nurse who usually takes care of me. She was all smiles but I could not make out whether she was being reassuring or whether she was sorry. I wanted to speak but nothing but thin air came out of my dry mouth.

I was back on the ventilator again and I just hated it. I wanted it out! All I could do was move my eyes and try to look at the blue sky outside. And remember the old days when I used to walk or run in the park with Blondie. I was such a fool for not doing that more often! One of the few times when I really enjoyed running was the day I met Rosey. Gee, was she something! There I was, out of breath, trying to keep pace with Blondie when my eye caught that gorgeous girl running, and all of a sudden, I found I had some energy left that I never suspected was there. If only I would be able to do that again, but I doubted very much. It seemed as if the procedure had gone all wrong and there was no hope for me anymore.

I wanted to call Hutch, to hear his voice, before I became completely depressed and lost my mind building nonsense dreams of being a normal man again. He would surely find the right words to help me through this.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

Dr O'Brien came this afternoon when I was conscious enough to hear the dreadful news he had to give me. When he entered the room, he granted me with a relaxed face and a smile.

He came close to me, still smiling and showed me a little glass tube. There was a piece of metal in it. A tiny piece of what I guessed was the remainder of what had been pressing against my spine. Without a word, he looked at me, then at the tube and gently put the tube in my hand and closed my fist around it.

There were no more words needed. I understood. And I cried. In silence.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

One pleasant thing about this rehab' is the swimming pool sessions. I almost felt like a fish or even better, like a stingray, flying free in the Big Blue, feeling so light. No more effort, no more strain on the muscles. Even if I could not move my legs, I could feel the delightful feeling of the warm water caressing my skin. All pain seemed to have vanished there as though it had never existed. A guy was holding me under the arms. I was floating; the sensation of it all felt so great. Like I was being reborn in a world where I was in free fall as though I had become an angel in Heaven.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

It has been three weeks now since the "Miracle Engineer" removed the metal from my back and I have finally been allowed to sit up again. The ventilator was disconnected three days after the operation. It feels so good to see the trees again. I never thought I would fall in love with nature and miss it so much!

Sally comes every morning to monitor all the machines which are still connected, to check my heart, my respiration, my blood pressure, the oxygen in my blood. She told me she has to leave for a couple of weeks to visit her aunt in Seattle. I'm afraid to be left with a nurse I don't know. She has been so caring, patient and comforting each time I felt down.

I have now been removed from intensive care. My new room is smaller than the previous one, yet brighter. The view I have of the trees is even better. Strangely, the color I miss the most is green. Trees. Lawns. Parks.

Seems like you're gonna get yourself an overdose of nature when you're out of here, man!

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

I had an unexpected visit today.

A woman came into my room after the new nurse announced a visitor, someone coming on behalf of Sally. I did not know what to expect and I agreed to meet her.

She introduced herself as Sally's sister. She is a tall brunette named Alexandra, obviously older than Sally, with a strong look on her face, as if she has been through a lot herself. Only she stayed for a few minutes to give me some news of her little sister and how she had spoken of one of her "favorite patients". Gee, am I the nurses favorite patient here? Who would have thought, huh? With the faces I have made lately? She brought me the books Sally had promised me but hadn't had time to bring me before she left for the West Coast. I did not know what to talk about with her. For the first time, I was speechless and it sure was new to me. As if she could see right through me and know that I had lost that confidence of mine with women. How weird to have a woman look at me that way!

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

Yeaah, I've been allowed to sit in a wheelchair! My arms hurt, as do my fingers. After half an hour, I was totally exhausted and almost out of breath, as I wanted to roll it my myself the whole way. But I had forgotten that, for weeks, I have only been using my hands to feed myself in my bed or to hold a book.

But what a thrill! To have some sort of feeling of independence. Just great!

When Mom came and saw the room was empty, she first was scared something bad had happened then she saw me in the corridor and she cried for joy. I want to make her proud of me. She rolled me back to my room, for I had used all my strengths on that first rolling adventure. In a couple of weeks, I bet I'll be the fastest of all the wheelchairs patients.

When Mom came back in the afternoon, she told me she had spoken to Hutch and told him about the chair. Then she said how happy she was to see me recovering and enjoying this new step in my rehab'. But all I wanted her to tell me was how he was. She eluded and said she had only spoken to him for a few minutes, as he obviously was in a hurry again. What is that damn investigation he's working on??

I've been allowed calls almost anytime of the day since I insisted and explained that keeping in touch with my partner and best friend was part of my recovery. But when I call him, sometimes late at night, no one answers at his apartment, not even Anna.

I called Dobey and he said that Blondie is getting involved in a difficult case, a bit more every day and he hopes to solve it soon, for he is concerned about Hutch. When I asked whether he had heard from Anna, he told me that she had left their house a couple of days ago, but he did not know any more about it. I guess he is hiding something from me.

Huggy does not tell me any more either. What's happening, Blondie? What are you doing? Please take care of yourself, Buddy!

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

/tbc/