Chapter 6

Sally is back and she's brought a little surprise from her trip. A pair of brand new blue Adidas! For me! I felt like I was gonna jump from my chair and try them on at once. I certainly could not do it but in my heart I could feel the sensation of putting them on and starting to run. I promised her that I would put them on the very first day I am able to stand up. She was laughing at the idea and told me it could take some more months before that happened.

I don't care. I've learnt to be more patient now.

In between sessions of stretching and massages and meetings with Bruno, I can't do little more than read, for I get tired easily after all the exercises they are putting me through.

I guess I have lost a lot of weight for I'm floating in my pj's. And when I looked at myself in the mirror, I also decided I need a good hair cut. The hospital provides all kinds of services for patients. Therefore I've had it cut very short. Some sort of facial therapy.

New resolutions, new days ahead, why not a new look?

Mom and Alexandra seemed to like it. Or so they said.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

I've finally been allowed out of the hospital and have integrated a rehab' facility close to the hospital. With less intensive medical care since my rehabilitation is progressing on just fine, although I've not regained any sensation in my legs yet. Dr O'Brien said it could take weeks before I could feel the slightest feeling, if ever.

I'm trying to remain positive about all this and have been doing a lot of thinking. What if I never walk again after all? How could I find something to do with my life, something productive?

I talked to Mom about it, but she just smiled and gently ruffled my hair and said I have all the time in the world to think about that. I sense she would be happy for me to stay here in New York. But somehow she can also sense that all I want to do is go back to Bay City and see Hutch.

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Last night, I was submerged by a big blues mood. I felt like a bird with broken wings, unable to breathe the oxygen of the blue sky anymore.

Hutch is not picking up the phone.

I can't get hold of Anna.

I feel so lonely.

I'm scared.

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°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

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It's been a month now since I left the hospital and I still feel like I'm getting nowhere.

I get regular visits from care assistants, therapists and so on, but I'm still not able to do things on a hundred percent on my own and I feel kinda frustrated.

I realized that being away from home for so long had a deep impact on my mental state.

I've been drugged - for my own good - taken care of, operated on, washed, emptied, trained, operated on again, dragged into numerous exhausting exercises, promised improvement, described the hell I would have to go through.

My mind could not focus on anything other than the next treatment I'd be given, the new pain I would experience in all the fibers of my body, or how I could manage to manipulate my environment from a wheelchair.

And all the while, I've been neglecting my partner. I can sense something is very wrong with him. Our calls are few now and most of the time, Hutch is either in a hurry because of the case he is working on, or worse, he is not answering my calls at all.

When I talked to Dobey and requested a bit more information on what was going on, he finally and reluctantly confessed he had to give Hutch an unregistered blame. He is as worried as I am, but he would never let me know precisely what happens. As if he felt the truth would be too much for me to hear. Dobey is trying to protect me but if I don't know what's going on with Blondie, how am I supposed to protect him from doing something weird? I know him, he can be so damn stubborn sometimes and not let anyone in.

Gee, Hutch, hang on, I won't be long now. But they won't not let me leave this place, not yet anyway, there are still so many phases I gotta get through before I'm allowed to go it alone and live an almost normal life, at a different level.

I wish you could see me now, rolling my chair like a pro. I'm sure you would even criticize the way I drive this chair, just as you were complaining about the reckless way I drove the Torino. Gee, what happened to that car? I certainly won't be able to drive it anymore. Hey, what about finding a customized one with the commands adapted to the steering wheel? Then I could drive you around, like before.

But not for the job, that's for sure.

I've been thinking about a job.

How can I reintegrate a productive life and not remain dependent on others and state benefits?

How can I continue my life since being in the Force was all I wanted all along?

I'm useless as a detective.

I'm useless as a friend.

I'm useless as a man.

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°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

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Alexandra has been visiting me on a regular basis over the last few weeks, bringing a few delicacies, only the ones I'm authorized to eat. She's also said I needed to see something other than these walls and the tops of the trees outside. She has invited me for dinner at her place, now that I have been allowed to go out only if for a couple of hours. I was first very surprised, and I refused as politely as I could. She must have sensed from the tone of my voice that I didn't want any pity from her. She got a bit angry with me and said she was not all sorry for me, that she only intended to spend an evening in my company, cook something different from what I've been eating for months. A real dinner with lots of things I have not tasted for ages, within the limits of what I'm authorized of course.

So it was settled. She came to pick me up at seven. I had prepared a little bag containing the medicine I have to take and a bit more stuff I may need, just in case... In case of what? I was not really afraid of a new mishap, I've been through so much up to now that I guess I was ready to cope with just about anything that life may throw at me.

When we arrived at her place in Long Island, I had the pleasant surprise to see she was living in a bungalow. Great idea! That meant I could move around without her help. Okay, it was a bit difficult getting out of the car and into the chair without her help, but I managed most of it by myself. She remained discreet enough not to make me feel totally crippled.

I guess she only meant well, but at first I was very uncomfortable in a new place and with a woman, trying to roll around without banging against the furniture and trying not to make an asshole of myself. The corridors of the hospital are so much more practical, straight, no curves, no furniture to avoid. Yet she must have thought of it for I had the impression that the couch and some chairs and stuff had been moved away a little, I could see the evidence on the carpet where they had left marks.

She offered me a soft drink with fresh fruit, which I actually found delicious, compared to what I had been allowed up till now at the Center, where the food was already much better than at the hospital. She went to the kitchen, checked the contents of a roasting dish and put it in the oven.

She must have been sure I would accept her invitation!

I was still in the middle of the living room.

Because the whole place was open plan and there were no doors between the rooms, I could see her preparing the evening meal from where I was sitting.

What was I doing there, in the company of a nice lady, inviting me over for dinner? I could neither help nor get away.

I was running away in my head to hide my definite feeling of unease.

To hide my feelings, I took a look around and I noticed a diploma on the wall. Apparently, she had just got her Master's degree as a Dental Surgeon. Wow!

It suddenly reminded me of Rosey and the day I had told her I was a dentist, avoiding at all costs letting her know I was a cop. I had cheated on her the whole time, until her father told her who I really was.

Today, I wish I could cheat on me, stand up and run away like hell. But where would I go?

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/tbc/