Edited and re-posted 1/31/10

So, I had to take some time and do some non-twilight extra curricular reading to find some inspiration to re-write this chapter because I could not seem to get it right. Ook it sucked ass and I am still not to thrilled with it! I read a book of poems by the amazing Pablo Neruda so that I could more correctly anticipate Edward's reactions and articulate what he would say to Bella if he really had to put himself and his heart out there or risk losing her forever. As a first time writer I have chosen to write only from Bella's point of view because First, like many of you I see sooooooooo much of myself in her too. Second, I don't think I have the writing chops to write from multiple points of view but I would like to try at a later date. Third I really want this story to be about Bella. Oddly, Bella and Edward have kinda started "speaking" to me and you will see more of what I mean by that later.

I have not gotten many reviews but strangely I have gotten a lot of questions as to why I have chosen to describe Bella in the way that I have. I saw Bella as a very strong and brave young woman in Twilight and New Moon but I think as far as story arc goes S.M. kinda breaks her down and makes her weaker in Eclipse in order to have a more striking contrast to how strong she must be in Breaking Dawn to stand up to Edward and keep her baby safe and than the ultimate strength she gains becoming immortal. Maybe I am reading too much into it and that was not at all what S.M. meant to do but that is the beauty of literature, everyone gets something different out of it. Anyway, it bothered me how weak and selfish Bella was in Eclipse, she was constantly fainting, crying, etc I mean woman up right!!! This is the path you have chosen and yeah it is dangerous and sucks but grab the hand of the man you have chosen for life, stand beside him and meet it head on with grace and courage!!!

Everyone's Bella is different, my Bella's strength is imperfect and falters but only momentarily because she realizes somewhere along the way. . . . . I guess if you want to know what she realizes you will need to read on my friends.

Chapter 6

Don't Let Me Go!

Thirty minutes later I sat in my truck parked in the Cullen's driveway willing myself to get down but, I am a coward. I set my forehead down on the steering wheel and closed my eyes taking deep breaths. I started at the sound of the door opening.

"Bella?" My eyes widened and without my permission my hand reached out to touch Carlisle's face. He was so amazing handsome I had to make sure he was really in front of me. He smiled at my touch and took my hand in his, "Would you like to get down, everyone is waiting for you."

My heart started pounding and I did not trust myself to speak so I nodded looking towards the house. The Cullen's were all standing outside of the house waiting, all but one. Carlisle wrapped one arm around me and walked forward with me until we stood together just a couple of feet from them all. Esme walked over to me wrapping her arms around me murmuring apologies, she her voice thick with emotion, it sounded like she would be crying if that were possible. Then I was passed to Jasper who gave me a quick squeeze and told me he was so glad to see me again and than Rosalie who took my hand in hers briefly and told me I looked like hell but she was glad to see me again, and then Emmett who grabbed me up into his huge arms and bellowed.

"Hey Isabelly, I missed the hell out of you," and laughed thunderously, I could barely breath but welcomed his tight embrace feeling like I could never fall apart with Emmett holding me together, and then I heard his voice.

"Carefully Emmett, don't hurt her!" He admonished

Emmett began to lower me to the ground but I clung to him tighter searching his face for understanding, he must have seen the panic in my face because he straightened up again taking me with him

"Bella what is it?" Just like that there it was again, waves of pain threatening to drown me, my breath became rough and ragged.

"I can't, not yet I can't, please don't let me go," I whimpered

"Don't worry Isabelly, it's going to be ok I promise, do you want to come inside or do you want me to take you home?" I tried to think through things quickly, the only thing worse than being here right now would be to be home by myself simmering in the misery. Luckily my human body saved me, when my stomach snarled in hunger, I had to laugh at that. Emmett set me down grinning ear to ear and Esme came over putting her arm around me leading me towards the house.

"What would you like for breakfast dear, how does some nice French toast sound?" I smiled up at her.

"That sounds amazing Esme," and I made it into the house without ever having looking his way, but of course that could not last.

Several hours later I was sitting on the couch between Emmett and Jasper my head resting against Emmett's massive arm. It seemed like everyone was having separate conversations, laughing and enjoying the bittersweet reunion. Edward and I each sat silent, I could feel his gaze on me but the stress of the day coupled with the lack of sleep was too much and soon I was sound asleep surrounded by my vampire family.

When I woke up I was groggy and thirsty, it was dark and I was really comfortable, I looked around and recognized the room as Edward's but I was in a very large comfortable bed. "How did you sleep?" I gasped in surprise.

"Edward you scared me to death, what are you doing in here?" My eyes found him in the darkness and I greedily devoured him with my eyes like he was a 5 star culinary masterpiece and I had not eaten in over 6 months.

"I couldn't bear to leave you, and I was hoping you might consent to speaking privately with me" he explained.

"Ok" I answered, "But Edward there may be some things I am not ready to talk about yet." He took a step towards me and sat at the edge of the bed by my side. He said nothing, just stared at me for several long moments and than lifted his hand towards my face but than let it drop. I had never seen him so unsure of himself, so vulnerable. It made me want to take him in my arms and whisper to him that everything would be ok, but I knew that I had no idea what would happen and that made me unable to say the words out loud.

"Bel. . . um, I mean. . . . ugh, I'm sorry, I am already screwing this up!" He ran his hands nervously through his hair. "I want to say all the right things and make everything better, make you understand that I am so sorry and that I would do anything, say anything to take every bit of pain that you felt away and heal any damage that I caused. I am so sorry, I am so very sorry," his voice was ragged with raw emotion and his eyes deep pools of fear and agony.

We sat looking at each other for what seemed like an eternity and in those moments a million thoughts went through my mind, this man was handing his heart to me right here right now and I had to decide what to do with that. Would I reject him in his most vulnerable moment, would I give in to my anger and tell him to leave me alone forever, would I offer forgiveness, absolution, was I even capable of that? Did he deserve it? Was being sorry enough?

I thought of Charlie and Renee, my friends, my classmates, and my family the Cullen's, I thought about all of the things that make me. . . .me. Alice was right, he is a part of me and I am a part of him but what does that mean now?

"How could you do that to me Edward? How could you leave me, how could you say you don't want me anymore, how could you throw me away?" He took a deep breath and stared at the headboard of the bed with great concentration and began what had to be the most difficult thing he ever said by the look on his face.

"I was a coward, I was putting you in danger, my family was putting you in danger and I was afraid for you. It seemed that the more I tried to protect you, the more danger came to you first with James and than with Jasper." I shuddered at the memories that flashed and stuffed them away to concentrate on what it is he was saying. "I hope you can find it in you to believe that I would do anything to keep you safe because you are everything to me, I love you with everything that I am, I would never ever throw you away love, you are the reason I am, the reason I can continue to walk this earth, the reason I exist," his voice pleaded with me to understand.

I swallowed hard at the tears that pricked behind my eyes. I wanted to ask a thousand more questions but I felt myself getting to caught up in this moment. I needed to shake off this feeling so I could make rational decisions. I could not capriciously give into the love that was threatening to take control of my life again, the same love which was the start of all of my problems. "I will be right back" I did not stop to see his response; I went into his bathroom and splashed cool water on my face and the back of my neck. I looked at myself in the mirror, I was pale of course, my eyes were bright and alert I was ready to strike at anything or anyone that tried to hurt me, my chin was set hard and uncompromising, I hated this version of me. I went and sat on the side of the bathroom and took several deep breaths to calm myself rubbing my fingers in circles at my temples trying to ease the tension I was feeling and after several more minutes I felt calmer. I checked myself in the mirror and saw that I looked a little more like myself and walked back into Edward's bedroom.

I sat in the same place I left him on his bed. I walked over and stopped in front of him, he cocked his head looking at me curiously, I reached out and took his hand immediately feeling electricity shoot up my arm, he smiled softly pleading with his eyes and although he did not say a word I knew the question he was asking, a silent yet enormous PLEASE.

That was when I realized this moment was everything, for once I had nothing but possibilities, and whatever happened would be my choice. For once I would live for myself and make sure that whatever happened in the end, I would be ok.

It was than that a new feeling took hold, I felt lighter than air and I could feel a smile spread across my face like the sun rising and warming the clouds, "Edward, I forgive you. I whole heartedly forgive you." I heard his breath hitch. He looked relieved, pained and hopeful all at once, he lifted his arms as if to hug me but I put a finger up to stop him in his tracks.

He had his say, now it was my turn now.