what we all want.
"Agent Chang?" Brody Anderson rapped sharply on the office door of one of Preventers many infamous employees. Most would be intimidated, but Brody had been personal assistant to Heero Yuy for almost twelve months, and had become somewhat immune to ex-Gundam pilots reputations. "Excuse me, Agent Chang?" When no reply was forthcoming, Brody took matters into her own hands, opening the door and striding into the dragon's den. Chang Wufei's computer was powering down, the man himself was halfway into his jacket and was obviously just about to leave for the weekend.
"What?" he growled impatiently, knowing that Heero's assistant wouldn't take his abruptness to heart.
"I'm sorry Agent Chang, but I need –" her sentence was interrupted almost immediately by the agent.
"It can wait until Monday," Wufei stated firmly as he shrugged his coat on and made to move past the female intruder. Her arm rose swiftly to bar the door and Wufei broke his stride to glare at her.
"Agent Yuy's –" Wufei cut her off one more with an impatient shake of his head.
"Yuy has personal problems right now, leave him alone," he commanded, shouldering his way past the assistant, eager to get out of the office and see his wife. Brody watched him stride away and was sorely tempted to abort her self-imposed mission. She was starting to hate being an assistant. Then her conscience started gnawing away at her rib cage and she remembered why she had bothered to knock on that door.
"He hasn't left the office all week," she called after Wufei. She had assumed that the ex-pilots were friends, but as the dark haired man continued to walk away she wondered if the pictures in Heero's office had lied. When he reached the end of the corridor, Wufei paused to look back at the dark haired assistant still standing in the doorway of his office. He sighed in irritation.
"Are you coming?" he questioned, trying his best to keep any hint of condescension out of his voice. He turned towards Heero's office, slowing his pace to allow Brody to catch up.
"Thanks," Brody stated grudgingly, knowing that she had been out of her depth. Wufei shook his head ruefully.
"I knew I'd never make it out of here before five," he murmured darkly.
* * *
Heero Yuy had not slept in a long time. He didn't know how long, didn't know what day it was any more, but he knew he was severely sleep deprived. There was a reason he had decided to keep working until he collapsed but he couldn't remember it. He thought that it was probably for the best. For a second he thought he saw the outline of a tall, braided man in his doorway but when he turned to look it was empty. Okay. He reached towards his in-tray, intent on continuing his work, and found it empty. He blinked at the purple plastic tray, wondering where all his work had gone. Rubbing a hand over aching eyes, Heero decided that it would be okay for him to go home. He struggled into his Preventer issue jacket then stumbled out into the hall.
OZ were bastards, wasn't fair play to torture people through sleep deprivation. Had to escape with legs that had been turned to jelly. Looking down at the corridor flooring Heero registered that it was plush carpet rather than sparse concrete.
"Where 'm I?" he questioned, his voice was husky, low and slurred. A man and woman turned into the corridor and Heero vaguely wondered if he should be doing something. Running? Fighting? A badge on their uniform caught his eye and his disorientation melted away. Preventers. Chang Wufei. Brody Anderson. At the sight of his old brother-in-arms, Heero tried to force his body to conform to normality. The brunette focused on the identity badge pinned to Wufei's lapel and tried to make the letters stand still.
"Yuy?" Wufei questioned worriedly as the ex-Wing pilot stared intently at his chest. There was no reaction from the other and Wufei noticed that his body was beginning to sway slightly.
"He's been like this all day," The quiet sentence startled Wufei, having almost forgotten the presence of Heero's assistant.
"I'll take him home," Wufei stated, moving to stand behind the other man. "Could you inform –?"
"I'll talk to Lady Une before I go," Brody assured him, looking at her employer sympathetically and wishing she had braved Wufei's office a couple of days earlier.
"Come on Heero, let's go," Wufei cajoled, walking forward slowly and keeping a steadying hand on Heero's elbow.
* * *
"Heero, I think you got confused. You sold this place," Wufei stated, looking through the windscreen at the house once shared by Heero and Duo. He hadn't been to Heero's flat since he had moved in and as such had relied on the other man's directions. Once he had realised that Heero was directing him to the old house, Wufei had tried to protest but had been met by stubborn insistence. "It's okay Heero; you can spend the night with Sally and me –" But Heero was already climbing out of Wufei's car and was making his way toward the front door of the house, pulling keys from his pocket as he went. "Dammit," Wufei swore and hurried after his delusional friend.
"– Outta my way, 'fei," Heero muttered as the Chinese man tried to block his path.
"Oi! What d'ya think you're playin' at?" a brash voice called. The two men looked towards the house to see a stout woman leaning out of the front door.
"Yuy, get in the car!" Wufei ordered, his temper rising at the embarrassing situation. He grabbed the unsteady Preventer and attempted to force him towards the vehicle. The sudden burst of violence from Heero was as quick as it was unexpected and Wufei felt a burst of pain as an elbow connected with his right eye socket. The two boys separated, Wufei stood well clear of his companion, hands raised in a placating gesture. Heero was suddenly wide-eyed, and looked more surprised than Wufei did.
"Get in the car," Wufei repeated, through his tone was somewhat calmer. "You're coming with me," he informed the sleep deprived man who was climbing docilely into the car. Heero shook his head slowly.
"Just want to go home," he stated, vaguely proud that his words hadn't slurred together. "Next left," he told Wufei, knowing full well that in order to get to his flat they should bear right. He gazed aimlessly into the side view mirror, shocked when he caught the flicker of light off chestnut hair in the back seat. Heero twisted against his seatbelt but was met only with disappointment, Duo wasn't there. The overwhelming urge to just be held swept over Heero. All he needed in that instant was to feel his husband's arms around him. Feel his warmth. Be comforted just by his presence. "Next right," he instructed quietly.
"You are joking," Wufei growled as he took the turn only to find himself outside Duo and Hilde's brand new semi. The dark-haired Preventer continued at his current speed, ignoring Heero's struggle to undo his seatbelt, he was not going to allow his friend to make a fool of himself. In that moment Wufei decided that Heero could not be left unsupervised, pulled a U-turn, and began to head for his home. Unfortunately for Wufei, his passenger had other plans.
* * *
"For God's sake Duo, will you just take your daughter please?" Hilde almost screamed to be heard above the baby's incessant cries. Motherhood was every bit as difficult as she had first predicted. Those people who had told her it would all be worth it, that everything would come naturally had lied. She hadn't slept for more than two hours in a row for weeks, her every nerve was frayed to breaking point. Today had been a very bad, not good day. Duo had gone to work and she had stayed with the baby. The baby was not happy, from the moment Duo walked out of the door she started screaming. Hilde had fed her, burped her, changed her nappy, sang to her, bathed her, rocked her and still she screamed on. All day long.
"Hey there baby-girl. How's my Raine doing?" Duo cooed with a smile as her took a crying Raine from her mother's arms. "Give your Daddy a smile," he coaxed as he gently touched the ticklish spot under her chin. The cries stopped with a hiccup and soon she was giggling away as Duo worked his magic touch. For Hilde, the sight of Duo doing in one minute what she had failed to do all day was just too much.
"I can't do this," she whispered almost in awe at the realisation. Turning away from the happy scene in front of her, Hilde climbed the stairs and went to their bedroom. It took her surprisingly little time to pack her clothes. Her hand hovered for a long moment over a framed picture of her and Duo, cradling a newborn Raine between them. "Just take it," she urged herself and soon followed the order, putting the picture in her bag with her other belongings.
"What you doing Hil'?" Duo asked quietly from the doorway, Raine asleep in his arms. Looking at them together Hilde felt the slow burn of tears starting in her eyes. She wished that she could fit into that picture. She wanted it with all she was but it just wasn't enough to want something. Tearing her eyes away she zipped up her bag with a hand that was not steady. "Hil', don't do this," Duo spoke again, violet eyes watching her with apprehension. She shook her head in negation and passed by Duo and the baby in silence. Duo was a good man, he couldn't possibly imagine the dark thoughts that had paraded temptingly through Hilde's mind when the baby just wouldn't shut up. Couldn't imagine that his wife might spend hours looking at an innocent pillow longingly, thinking about not so innocent uses for it. No mother should think things like that. Not ever.
"I'm sorry, I'm not like you. I can't – can't be a – not a good one anyway. You'll be fine, you and her – I can't be here any more." With those final words Hilde let herself out of the house, out of the marriage, out of motherhood and was gone down the street. Duo stood in the open front doorway and watched the fleeing figure with a mix of emotions. Hilde had been diagnosed with post-partum depression soon after Raine's birth but she had seemed to be doing so much better of late. /Obviously not that much better/, a snide voice supplied. Raine stirred in his arms and he gently swayed her from side to side, ushering her back into dreams. Although Hilde's words had been final, Duo was pretty sure she would be back in a day or two. It wasn't the first time she had needed a break from things.
"We can cope for a few days, right kiddo?" Duo asked his sleeping daughter in a whisper. Raine sighed contentedly and shifted into a more comfortable position, as oblivious as her father was to the fact that her mother would not come back for a very, very long time. Duo walked into the living room and gently transferred Raine from his arms to free-standing baby seat come swing. When she showed no sign of waking Duo strapped her into the seat and, with a soft push, set it rocking gently back and forth. He watched his tiny daughter sleeping peacefully and wished that she would act like this for Hilde. A knock at the door distracted Duo from his thoughts.
"See baby," he said, giving Raine's seat another nudge. "That's probably you're Mom right now. You stay here a minute," Reluctantly Duo stepped away from the sleeping child and answered the door.
"I'm not supposed to be here," Duo blinked dumbly at the shadow of his ex-husband suddenly right there on his doorstep. He hadn't seen Heero since the wedding and it took Duo a few long moments to process what Heero had said.
"What are you doing here then?" he asked, his voice contained no malice, only curiosity. Over Heero's shoulder he noticed that Wufei's car had collided with the lamp post outside his house. The front bumper was dented and the dark haired man standing beside it looked both furious and exasperated. "What the hell happened to Chang's car? Are you alright?" Duo asked. He took a stepped out of the house and held Heero's arm as the Japanese man swayed alarmingly.
"I don't...nothing is right any more," Heero said quietly, the barely coherent statement caused Duo's heart to clench in his chest. "Missed you," Heero muttered before his blue eyes glazed over and his legs buckled.
"'Fei!" Duo yelled as he caught Heero and lowered him to the ground. He held his ex-husband tightly, feeling guilty for a whole multitude of sins. God, but he missed Heero too.
As Wufei informed Duo of the evenings events, Heero curled tighter into his former lover's embrace. He was only semi-conscious but he knew that the arms around him were Duo's. It felt so good, that familiar hold. It was what every single part of him had been craving for months on end. Heart, mind, body and soul had all suffered for the lack of Duo's touch. For that moment, Heero forgot all about the last eleven months of anger and pain and suffering. There was no Hilde, no baby, no divorce. He was in the arms of the man he loved. For that moment, he could pretend that the rest of his life did not exist. He was happy.
* * *
Across the other side of town Hilde Maxwell was sitting in a hotel bar with her head in her hands. She was so utterly miserable but no tears would come. Her dark eyes stared down at the drinks menu before her, not really registering the words that were printed there. It had been eleven months since she had last had a drink. She hadn't touched a drop of alcohol since she had found out that she was pregnant. She had, in that first terrifyingly uncertain couple of weeks, considered drinking a whole bottle of gin just to see if the old wives tales were true. There had been a few very dark moments since Raine's birth in which she had regretted not doing just that.
"Stop," Hilde whispered to herself, as she pushed the heels of her palms into her temples. Both her doctor and her husband had reassured her that the mood swings she had been having were just part of having post-partum depression. Lots of women went through it, they had told her, it did not make her a bad person. Hilde wished she could believe them.
"I don't suppose I could get you a drink?" a warm male voice asked, making Hilde jerk out of her sombre thoughts. "You must have decided what you want by now, no? You've been looking at that menu for quite a while,"
"You've been watching me?" Hilde asked, half suspicious of the man's attention, half flattered. It had been a long time since she had felt attractive. The man smiled at her. He was older than Hilde by a good ten years but had a nice smile and was not unattractive.
"You're a very beautiful woman," He said, looking at her in a way which made no attempt to disguise his intentions. Presumptuously he put his arm around Hilde's waist, watching her face for a reaction. "Do you know what you want yet?"
Hilde looked down at his hand on her body and wondered why she had not shoved him away or done something to make him leave. She bit her lip as she realised that his touch actually felt good. That, for once, she was feeling something other than shame. Hilde already knew that she was a bad person. She might as well have some fun while she was at it.
"I think I want you to get me very drunk," Hilde said, with a shaky voice, as she ignored common sense and embraced impulsiveness.
"That I can do," the stranger smiled at her and moved in close, pressing himself against her body. Hilde leaned into him, savouring the contact. Duo never touched her. Never. Not in the way she wanted him to. And although Hilde understood, she couldn't help resenting him sometimes. "Drink up," the stranger said as a shot glass was placed in front of her. She did exactly that.
After a few more shots she invited the stranger up to her hotel room. They moved quickly to the bed and Hilde felt more alive than she had in months as he fucked her. It was over quickly, too quickly, and Hilde grabbed the man's arm as he moved from over her.
"You can stay if you want," she said as casually as possible. She wanted him to stay, wanted him to hold her but couldn't bring herself to ask, beg, as part of her demanded.
"I have work in the morning," the man said, rolling out of the bed and pulling on his clothes as quickly as he could. Hilde felt cold as she watched him from the bed. "Call me," the man said as he shrugged on his jacket, waved goodbye and left the room. The hotel room door shut quietly behind him. Hilde didn't even have to look to know that he had not left his number.
The double bed suddenly seemed too large as Hilde curled up amid the sheets. That good feeling she had grasped so recently had disappeared along with her lover. All she felt now was stupid. So very stupid. She could have been at home, in her nice warm bed with her daughter one side and her husband the other. But no, instead she was all alone in a cold hotel room. Hilde could not hold back a bitter laugh at her own foolishness. She laughed until tears burned her eyes. And finally she cried.
"It's what we all want, in the end,/ to be held, merely to be held,/ to be kissed." - A. Nowlan
Fin?