Mkay, so this chapter's a little short and choppy, but was what I could come up with between classes and sleep. :D Hope you like ~
Chapter 2: Nostalgia
C.C. sat there silently, speechless. She didn't whether to believe him or go "good one, Niles."
Niles' eyes held no shine, as if they were dead for years. Never had she seen him this way...
Once again she was caught between things. She wanted to tell Niles so bad but at the same time she feared for her life. Maybe she would wait until he figured out himself.
"Is there a problem, Dr. Faulsman?" He asked, his voice still effortlessly raspy.
"Uhm... No," C.C. shook it off and sat up straight. "So Mr... Niles, I think this session be best used on introduction. Tell me about yourself." She knew almost everything about Niles, so it was a pointless question to ask.
"Well, uh," Niles started as he leaned back tiresomely on the sofa. "As you probably already know, I work as a waiter for your husband. Um, I've been working there for two years, and I think it's a remarkable place; your husband is a really great man."
C.C. sighed a slight smile, proud of her Conrad. Niles looked emptily around, fishing for more things to say.
"I live with my parents... to support them. They recently moved from England to here, so..."
She nodded, not having anything to say to him. He then looked at her with his eyes of despair.
"Usually, being the person I am, this would be enough to keep me content with life, no matter how lower class I seem to be."
"Then what is it that's troubling you so much?"
Niles took a shaky sigh, and C.C. knew what he was going to say.
"Well," he started. "I used to work as a butler for Maxwell Sheffield, you know, the Broadway producer. Don't get me wrong, he and I had grown up with each other, and his family was very good to me. It was just..."
"Just..." C.C. urged him softly.
"The bloody witch business partner I fell madly in love with."
The nickname "witch" made her heart ache and nostalgic. "Oh," she merely replied.
Niles bit his lip as he put on a crooked smile and looked up at walls. "Yes, the bitch of Broadway, C.C. Babcock," he chuckled in painful memory.
"What happened between you two?"
"Nearly 20 years of painful repression killed me--it surely could kill anyone. And five years ago, after six years of getting closer, I proposed to her. Four times, like a desperate idiot," Niles laughed pathetically. Though he felt permanently cut inside, he started to feel better spilling everything out to this woman. Though they had just met, he felt that they already had some sort of sympathetic connection.
C.C.'s eyes began to slightly water behind her glasses, but she let them dry. "I wouldn't blame you for doing that..." she commented.
"Yeah but well, Ms. Babcock did. She rejected me, and stabbed me in the face while she was at it. I don't know I had to fall for her, when I knew all along that she was far too cold to look at me as anything other than the butler that cooks her food and cleans the house. So I left. I couldn't handle being there if I had to see her everyday... But I was guess it was just a lose-lose situation since now I'm still miserable without her. And I can't seem to get over it all, no matter what I do..."
Niles' expression turned dark as he didn't even bother to fake a laugh or a smile. His eyes drifted off into space, replaying everything, and frowning at them.
C.C.'s heart couldn't help but to swell. While she was living and making it out okay, Niles was broken into a million pieces, hopelessly picking them up then tripping over again. This is what she did to him, she was the guilty one. Why did she have to leave him so selfishly? Why couldn't she have prevented this?
"Niles," C.C. said softly and calmly, trying to hide the shakiness in her voice. She stared at him with the most endearing look she's ever given anyone. "I'm sure... that... although I don't know her as well as you do... wherever C.C. is now, she's thinking of you everyday, and is waiting to find you."
Niles looked at her hopefully, but not enough to spark anything in his eyes. "Do you think?"
"Of course... no human... not even the most selfish and coldhearted person couldn't feel guilt... Especially if she saw you now."
Niles smiled at her. "You know Dr. Faulsman, out of the many people who have told me anything similar to that... you're the only one I might believe."
"Why, is it cause I'm a therapist?"
"Maybe."
They laughed, and for once in a very long time, it was real.
-----
C.C. went home that day feeling bittersweet. Though the contact with Niles was heart shearing, it made her feel alive.
"Good evening, darling," Conrad greeted from the kitchen as C.C. entered through the door.
"Hey," she replied sweetly as she kissed him a greeting.
Conrad returned to face his cooking. "How was the session? Not as bad as you were 'fraid it be, hm?" He winked.
"It went...well." She took out a glass from the cupboard and poured herself some water from the fridge. "I think he'll make great progress." With a chance of mental breakdown once he finds out...
Conrad smiled warmly at her. "That's wonderful, I'm proud of you, Claire."
C.C. downed her water and put it in the sink and smiled at Conrad, just before retreating to her room to change into comfy pajamas.
Just as she opened her closet, the phone rang. It was B.B.
B.B. was never the kind of mother to call her children, let alone care, but ever since she heard of C.C.'s resignation as Maxwell's business partner, she'd been paying much attention to her. At first, she went over to C.C. herself to give her a talk down in the mistake she was making. But when she finally saw her, so broken down, eyes and nose swollen and red from crying the whole night, she changed her mind and instead gave her support.
B.B. wasn't a bad mother, just a mislead mother. She always thought her children never cared about anything, that just as long as they'd put up a smile each day it was enough to convince her that nothing was wrong. B.B. herself also suffered from partial insanity and depression, which was most likely why C.C. had turned out so fucked up anyhow. Her little baby needed her.
She had C.C. live with her for a while until she became more stable. And when C.C. became a therapist and got married to Conrad, B.B. never left suspicion on him, threatening that if he ever hurt her child he'd pay for it for everything he's worth. She'd call every week to see how C.C. was doing with him. Each time she did, something would change. Each time, C.C. would be more talkative towards her mother, which she never was before. Call after call, C.C. became this soft, sensitive, vulnerable child. B.B made sure that Conrad handled C.C. with great care, as of course he did.
"Hello, C.C."
"Hi mummy," C.C. replied, finding herself talking to her with a more cheerful voice.
"Dear lord, you sound ecstatic!"
C.C. smiled at the phone. "Not really."
"Well every other time I called, you sounded so monotonous."
"Eh." C.C. held the phone in between her head and her shoulder as she changed out of her skirt to get into her pajama pants.
"How is Conrad?" B.B. asked the weekly question.
"Sublime, as always, mummy."
"Have you two done anything yet? You really do sound happier, which right now can only mean one thing, you know."
C.C. breathed a slight laugh.
"See? You haven't done that in ages!"
"It's none of that, mum. Things are just... changing."
"Well I have to go now, my plane to Thailand is leaving in a few hours. Take care, don't do anything I might have to fly over there and slap you silly for. Love you."
"Love you mummy."
C.C. clicked the phone and went to resume changing.
It was the second week since Niles' arrival back into C.C.'s life, which marked today as his second session. She was excited and looked so forward to it like nothing else in her life. She tried to hide her excitement and liveliness however--it would probably spark some recognition from Niles.
2:00 PM struck and Niles was no more than a minute late.
"Good afternoon, Dr. Faulsman," he greeted as he sat on the sofa. His appearance didn't change in a week much, but his eyes seemed to brighten up a little more, although not dramatically.
C.C. felt awkward having him call her by her new professional name... she wanted to hear "Ms. Babcock" so bad.
She smiled back at him. "Hello, Niles. How have you been feeling?" She asked in the same soft frail voice she was so used to talking in.
"Fine..."
"Niles, this is therapy, you don't have to lie."
"Well actually, I'm not completely lying... this place makes me feel safer."
"Kiss ass," C.C. found herself muttering really low.
"Hm?"
"Oh, nothing, just coughed..." C.C. put her fingers over her mouth in surprise. It's been a long time since she's said anything close to that...
"So," she started. "What's been on your mind lately?"
Niles sat back and blinked onto the floor to find his words. "Well um, I've still been thinking about Ms. Babcock and everything that we used to do... I really miss it."
"Do you remember her vividly?" She found herself asking, so curious.
"Of course. She has been haunting me for five years now..."
"Do you... sometimes see her in people?"
"All the time. But even if I see a spitting image of her, I know it's not really her... there's just no way it could be."
C.C. frowned, her eyes glinting guilt. He was so convinced that he'd never see her again...
"You remind me of her, too," Niles confessed. C.C. became nervous.
"But you're far too kind to be anything like her," he added. Oh, dear god, the irony. C.C. smiled awkwardly and urged him to continue talking.
"Sometimes I end up thinking about her when I really don't want to. Even if I'm distracted the whole day, I fall asleep wondering about her, and each night is dreamless."
"Well," C.C. started when he was done. "I guess the problem right now is your attitude. You're so hung over m...her, and so upset that you don't even think that you'll ever meet her again.
"What helped me when I was undergoing this same kind of situation, was whenever I'd think of y...that someone, I would just hope the best for them, and that as long as they're happy... I should be happy, too."
"How do I know that she's happy?"
"You don't. You just hope they are. You have to leave them behind, no matter how painful it is... when you're absolutely sure that they're miserable without you... that's when you do something about it."
Niles made a face, unsure.
"Niles... I know this is hard for you, but my job is not to fix the world for you. I can't control how Ms. Babcock is," she winced at the irony. "And I can't control how you feel about everything... that's your job. My job is just to help you get through it without killing yourself."
"I suppose..." Niles sighed. "I'll take your word for it."
After a few seconds of silence, Niles spoke again.
"So you've... gone through this before?"
"Well..." she said nervously. "It's something that happens to everyone..."
"I want to hear about it."
C.C. became worried. Niles sensed it. "Just to, you know, help me out," he assured.
She sighed and began. "Okay so... I once knew this man. We were... complicated friends, but very good ones nonetheless. And one day I let him down." Recalling everything and trying to put it into bland and vague proved to be more painful than it first sounded when she thought of it. Her eyes began to redden, but with no tears.
"And after that, he left, and I never saw him again. I was... really overwhelmed and devastated by it... but I too got professional help... and, now I'm all good. I haven't failed anyone like I did to him, and though I am sorry for what I did, I learned to leave it behind until I saw him again so I could apologize."
"Have you seen him yet?"
C.C. paused. "Yes... I have... But he hasn't seen me yet."
Aghh just hang in there! It gets better. XDD Stay tuned for next time, when things start to get a little ugly. ;O
~Rei