Against the Current

by Visionairy

Spoilers for 5x14. Famine is dead, and now Sam and Dean have to figure out how they can fight the apocalypse if one is hopeless and the other is dead inside. But first they have to get to Bobby's.

Chapter 3

The sun had set almost an hour ago, and thankfully the hours had passed without incident. As Dean waited to pull out of a gas station with another cup of coffee in hand, he glanced over the back of the seat to check on his silent passenger. Cas was stretched out in the back, eyes closed, seeming to have found a place to settle. Though the angel didn't sleep, apparently he had found a way to recoup.

Dean's scrutiny turned next to his brother. Sam hadn't moved. He lay motionless against the pillow, facing forward, eyes closed. Even in his sleep, Sam was always a man in motion, so seeing his brother laying there without so much as a twitch, made Dean extremely uncomfortable. He looked closer, and was relieved to see that even though Sam didn't have control of his body, apparently his body had no problem continuing the movements that allowed him to breathe. Dean, though, still couldn't resist the urge to check Sam's pulse again.

Grasping his brother's wrist, he was assured that Sam's heart was still beating strong, though with more beats per minute than Dean found comforting. Gently replacing the hand back on Sam's lap, Dean checked his face. Sweat still beaded lightly along his upper lip, and caused his bangs to gather haphazardly across his forehead. Mouth held in a taut line, Sam may still have had his eyes closed, but Dean knew he wasn't sleeping. He could feel the tension emanating from his brother despite his unresponsive limbs.

Dean squeezed his knee gently in commiseration as he pulled smoothly out onto the blacktop. He drove in silence for a while before turning the radio on softly. He rolled briefly through the meager offering of local stations before switching it off again. He looked back over at his brother, and the lines of tension had not eased. "Look, Sam, you don't have to keep your eyes closed. Finding your inner Buddah was just a suggestion."

Sam's lips tightened fractionally before his eyes eventually slid open, "I can't, Dean. I'm trying to relax, but I just keep seeing the demons."

"So," Dean glanced over at his brother, "You're just processing the shit. No different than the usual, emo-boy."

Sam didn't respond, instead sliding his gaze away from his brother to focus on the road.

"Sam," Dean pressed cautiously, "How're you holding up?" Sam didn't look much different than the last time Dean had checked, but he needed to keep a handle on the situation. And he needed to know what was going on in his brother's head.

"Come on, dude, talk to me." Dean paused hoping that his brother would fill him in, but Sam just swallowed and the muscles in his chin twitched. "Hey, Sam," Dean laid his hand on Sam's arm, "Do you feel like you're …"

"No," Sam snapped at him, and then took a steadying breath before turning to face him again. "Look, I just know it's going to get bad here soon." He grimaced, "Well, worse than the bad it is now. And, I just wanted to say…I know I brought this on myself."

"Sam, No. - Enough, - The first time was you, okay." He glanced over to see if his brother was really listening, "But this time - this one's on Famine."

Sam shook his head, "Even if you say that - that this time it was Famine's fault, what difference does it make?"

Dean rolled his eyes, "Of course it makes a difference, Sam. It makes all the difference."

"Yeah? You'd think. But what about next time? Cause next time, Dean - next time it'll be Death or Pestilence - and eventually it will be Lucifer." Moisture was gathering in the corner of Sam's eyes, but he was powerless to do anything about it. Blinking, he focused on his brother. "I tried, Dean, I really, honestly tried, but I still couldn't control myself. - I gave in. Famine sent the demons to me, but I was the one that stabbed a hole in their throats and sucked their blood."

Dean gripped his fingers tighter to the steering wheel and stared straight out into the dark.

"Demon blood, Dean. And, yes, after all this, all of what happened – I truly believed I had learned my lesson." Sam squeezed his eyes together to try to clear his vision, and was mortified to feel a lone tear roll hesitantly down his cheek. He shook his head to rid himself of it. "Look, I knew you didn't believe me - that I could stay away from the blood. I know that for a long time, you couldn't trust me at all. And I understand it, I do." Sam dropped his head back into the pillow and blew out a breath, trying to get a hold on his emotions, "But the truth was, and as crazy as it sounds - I still did. After I realized what I had done to you – to the world - I truly believed that I would never, never, drink demon blood again." His voice softened, "I'd kill myself first."

Dean's gaze jerked quickly across to his brother, ready to jump in, but Sam just kept going. "I learned, after Ruby and Lilith, that I couldn't trust myself the way I used to. I couldn't trust my own instincts or my gut feelings anymore. And man, at times, I just felt like I was drowning. But," he blinked a couple of times as two more tears tracked down his face, "I just couldn't think of any situation that would be so jacked up that I would be tempted to down demon blood again." Sam twisted his head against the pillow to try to wipe his face.

"Sam …" Dean began, but after seeing his brother's efforts, he simply reached across and sacrificed his sleeve to allow Sam some dignity.

Sam gave Dean a tight smile, and then tilted his head down allowing his bangs to fall down across his eyes, "I mean there were a couple of times when there was demon blood on my hands, like when I killed those two that were travelling with War - that I realized I could still be tempted." He swallowed and shook his head slightly, "But it wasn't hard to remind myself of the consequences. And I had to believe in at least that part of myself again." Sam took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Even when those two hunters showed up, when you were hunting with Cas,…"

"Hunters? What…" Dean's foot instinctively pressed down harder on the gas, "What hunters?"

Sam's gaze turned out the window for a long few seconds, and then slid back to his brother. "Hank Miller, Reggie Jones, Steve Fuller. They wanted my help on a hunt I'd told Bobby about. But I wouldn't … I couldn't help them. Like I said, I knew my limits." Sam took another deep breath, "But after the job, they came back. Apparently the demons had gutted Steve … but then they also made sure to tell them about me." He looked pointedly at his brother, "Hank and Reggie wouldn't leave it alone."

Dean's foot hit the brake before he even realized it, "What the hell, Sam! Damn it!" He threw his arm out in front of his brother before his face collided with the dash. "Shit." Holding his brother in place, Dean used his other arm to steer off to the side of the road. He grabbed Sam's shoulders to settle him back in, body facing the driver's seat. "Freaking morons! What'd they do?"

Sam twisted his neck, jerking his chin up, "Hank wanted my help to avenge Steve's death. He wanted me to 'Hulk' out and go ballistic on the demons that had killed him." Sam squeezed his eyes closed again, "They had demon blood with them, Dean, and I fought them – I did. But they forced it into my mouth, and then Reggie clamped down on it until they decided I'd finally swallowed before then they let me go."

"Son of a Bitch!" Dean slammed his hand on the wheel. He knew it had been a bad idea to split up, what the hell had they been thinking. How could they both have thought that that was the way to go?

"I didn't swallow it, Dean," Sam titled his head up to grab his brother's attention, "I didn't. I held it, and didn't let it get past my throat. When he finally let go, I spit it right back at them. Then I managed to get hold of a knife and I stopped it."

A relief he couldn't express rushed through Dean at those words. He shook his head in relief and slapped Sam's knee before recognizing that his sibling couldn't feel it. "Way to show them, Sammy!" But as another thought suddenly crossed Dean's mind, his joy was short-lived, "So, what happened to the assholes after you shoved their offer back at them?"

"They left," Sam eyebrows shrugged briefly, "I wasn't going to kill them, Dean."

"Yeah, I figured as much." Dean shook his head. "Look Sam, I'm sorry, I really am, that I ended up setting you up for those bastards."

Sam pushed back into the pillow and turned back toward his brother, "Dean, that's not on you. I was the one that chose to leave."

Dean gave a tight laugh and jerked his chin toward Sam, "Tomato, to-mah-to, little brother." He reached over to grab a bottle of water and angrily jerked the top off and sent it flying. "So that means they're still out there now, spreading the word?"

Sam watched his brother tilt the bottle toward him. "Yeah, I'd guess so."

"Well that's just freaking great." Dean moved the bottle to Sam's lips and held it carefully so Sam could control the angle of it with his mouth. "If Bobby's not on that already, we'll talk when I get there. We'll figure something out. They're sure as hell not going to come after you again!"

Sam winced, "If Bobby wants to see me when he finds out. Dean, does he even know we're coming?"

Dean nodded and started the car again, "Yeah, I called him before we left and gave him a head's up. He said he'd have what we needed, and it would only take Cas and me a few minutes to set things up for you."

Sam cringed, picturing exactly what they would be setting up for him.

"Hey," Dean snapped to get his brother's attention, "He also said to tell you that he'll have a bottle of his best whiskey waiting for you for after," and then added in an exact rendition of their old friend, "ya idgit."

Sam gave sort of a sad half-smile, "I don't know, Dean. I'd say by now I've worn out my welcome, even with Bobby."

"What, you're kidding me, right? Little Sammy Winchester – the first person that could ever wrap mean ol' Bobby Singer around his little finger. When you were little, you got away with so much crap when we were there."

The left side of Sam's mouth twitched up for a second, "And so it continues …"

"Yeah," Dean laughed, as he pulled back out onto the road, "… at least that doesn't change."

The next hour or so was filled with a comfortable silence until Dean noticed that Sam was getting decidedly restless. "Hey," he rested his hand on Sam's shoulder, "You doing okay?"

Sam shifted his head again, this time facing his brother, "I don't know, I just feel weird."

"Weird – weird? --, as in 'I'm about ready to jump out of my skin' weird, … or just weird – you know, for you, weird?"

"No," his forehead wrinkled as he considered it, "Hell, I don't know. I just want to move."

"Okay, okay – easy. Hang on a minute." Dean pulled off into an abandoned gas station and shut off the car. One lone street light was still flickering away. Dean came to a stop underneath it. Cas moved forward to offer his assistance, but Dean slapped his hand away, "It's okay, I got this."

"Is he well?" Cas' voice sounded stronger than it had for a while.

Dean glared back, "Does he look well?"

Cas leaned forward to look closely at the youngest Winchester.

"Personal space, Cas." Dean growled.

Cas retreated to his spot in the back. "No, he does not."

Sam twisted his head as far around as he could to address the angel, "He is still here, you know."

"Easy, Sammy," Dean reached forward and putting his hand behind Sam's, pulled him gently against his chest. He could feel how tight his muscles were there, and could feel his jaw clench as he held him tight with one arm while he reached behind him with the other to resituate his pillow nest. "It's okay, Sammy, just try to relax." He took a minute to rub his brother's neck to try to loosen the tight muscles there, but Sam just tensed up, so he gave his neck a quick squeeze and settled Sam back down so that his brother was leaning back a little further in the seat. "Better?"

No, but Sam was starting to believe that it wouldn't be better for quite a while. "Yeah, thanks. I'm good now."

"Really," Dean sounded just as skeptical. "You know what, just use some of those yoga chants or whatever you said you used to do to relax. Or, you know, repeat some exorcisms. Count backwards from 100 – in Latin. You can do this."

Sam didn't look convinced.

"Look, Sam, I know this isn't going to be easy … in fact it'll probably suck worse than last time 'cause you already know what's coming. But,…" Dean grabbed Sam's chin as he started to turn away, ".. but … I know you can do this. You got through it before," and before Sam could interrupt, "You did. You were almost out of there. And you can do it again. You're a Winchester, you're my brother – and no friggin' demon blood is going to stop you. You can believe that. You'll kick that shit out of your system, and we'll be back on the road before you know it."

"Your brother is correct," Cas spoke up from the back, "In fact, l – I should probably tell you…" .

"Cas!" Dean groaned, "This is between Sam and me. Just, for now, pretend you're asleep."

"Ah." Cas debated whether he should continue, but decided this would not be the time, "I'll be quiet now."

"So …" Dean brought his attention back to his brother, "…are you with the program or not?"

Sam rolled his eyes and the corners of his mouth lifted slightly, "So that's it, that's the pep talk?"

Dean narrowed his eyes, "Hey, that was good. If ya' got anything better let's hear it, cause I'm all ears."

"Nah," Sam shook his head slightly, "That's good."

"Okay, then. We're burning moonlight, so let's get a move on. " Dean started the car and pulled back out onto the road.

tbc

I was planning to post this earlier, but I found I wanted to re-edit it a few more times. So, what do you think?