A/N: It's been a while hasn't it? Well, I've been working on numerous other fanfics, I've had homework and I recently got ALttP, which I've been playing on. But here is the next chapter. I'm going to be delving more into romance now, because I do want Midna and Link to become a couple. But there will be humour. Sadly, I'm more of a romance and adventure writer than a humour one, so I will do my best, but I might fail miserably. It'll get easier after Link can switch at will, I guess. And when Ganon and Zant come in.

Midna gets a dieting lecture from Ook

Link wandered aimlessly through Faron Woods, chatting up Midna all the way. He didn't seem to notice that he was walking into a tree and not going anywhere. Midna had disappeared into his shadow and was eating that chocolate cake she wanted. Thinking about a question that had been troubling her for a while. She decided to knock Link out of loonsville and ask him.

"Hey Link, did you use to be called Linkia?" She asked. Link raised his eyebrow, actually moving from the tree.

"No, why?"

"Well, I thought that because you cross dress and you said you weren't a transvestite.... Well, are you?" Midna acted shifty around her crush, who was also a moron.

"Well, I'm not one, but the old hero might have been. How about you?" Midna decided that there wasn't love made in heaven for them and slapped him.

"No you idiot. I am perfectly normal, but you are a no brained imbecile. WHY AM I STUCK WITH YOU!? SPONGEBOB, MY LORD! WHY!?"

Midna got down on her knees and started sobbing. Link, looked down at her and raised his eyebrow. Meanwhile, the author was having a heart attack after realising that her beloved Midona-chun worshipped the evil Lord SPONGEBOB! During this time Link managed to trip over one of the evil ants just by standing there.

"Where's it for the little guy!?" He cried, not realising that Toon Link wasn't coming back until the Phantom Hourglass' release and he was a big guy until then. The ant stuck its tongue out and scampered off. Midna was still crying. She was actually wearing SpongeBob pants and saying 'ALL HAIL SPONGEBOB!' through her sobs. If Link wasn't blubbing too, he would have throttled her to death. But they were cry buddies. Two little kids, oblivious to the monkey who was standing outside the fog with Link's lantern. Doing the Caramelldansen to get their attention. But pervert Link was too busy enjoying touching Midna without her noticing because she was still crying, clutching the hat. Then Link noticed the hat.

"YOU BLOODY BITCH, STOP TOUCHING MY HAT!" He screamed, snatching the hat from Midna's grasp. Midna got up and slapped Link. Link slapped her. The monkey was chanting

"SLUT FIGHT! SLUT FIGHT!"

Link and Midna stopped slapping and their heads turned to see the monkey with Link's lantern on her head. Link's eye twitched then he darted at the monkey, who scampered off into the fog.

"COME BACK HERE YOU ARSE SLAPPING APE!" He yelled.

The monkey shook the lantern about like it was covered in saliva (Midna, when will you learn, lanterns ARE NOT EDIBLE) and the purple fog faded away.

"Looks like the arse slapping ape wants you to follow her." Midna said, poking her fingernails into the back of Link's head. The hero screamed like the girl his ancestor used to be and ran over to the monkey. The process of shake the lantern was repeated several times, before Link finally made it out alive. Midna was already there, reading a magazine entitled 'How to care for idiot wolves with no life'. Link spat at her and the imp dropped her magazine. He picked it up and read the page it was open at. "Neutering? Midna, you're not getting me neutered are you?"

"Well, you might find a she wolf one day. Or you might get me. I don't want to take any chances."

"But Midna, won't that affect my human form?"

"So what if it does?"

"I want to make a baby with you!"

Midna fainted.

"Why?" The gamer asked. The author looked up at her and grinned.

"Midlink fan?" The gamer said. The author nodded with a :3 look on her face.

"Screw you." And the gamer got back to game play.

Link was spitting at Midna's face to wake her up and the monkey was reading the mag that started it all.

After a while Midna awoke and the gamer did too (it was midnight in the place the gamer lived i.e. England. That is how long it takes to wake up Midnas.)

"Shall we go now?" Midna asked. Link nodded and hugged her.

"HEY! No hugs. I'm getting a restraining order." She scolded, slapping Link again. Link whimpered. Midna looked at him guiltily and kissed hi-

"Hey! This is a humour fic! No romance." The gamer scolded.

"Sorry... Readers, forget that, I'll leave out the romance. Sadly."

Midna looked at Link, with a teasing grin upon her round face.

Link started acting like a five year old and kicked a stone at the monkey. The monkey ran away crying and Link trudged along after it. Midna was inside his shadow, wishing that there was more space.

"It must be Link getting thinner... Can't be me." She mumbled to herself, not realising that it was her abandoning her diet which she really needed to obey, before the author glomped her due to her cuteness. Link was walking along, feeling much happier because he had stolen his first thing that day, from a bird. Then something caught his eye. Something shining with a beautiful light. It was...

"I FOUND A QUARTER!" Link yelled, running over to it.

"Link there is something wrong there." Midna told him, jumping out of his shadow. It hurt her chest to do so, so she decided never to do it again.

"What?" Link asked, holding the quarter.

"Well, that's not a quarter, it's ten pence, seeing as the author is English, we have Rupees here, and there was a massive golden wolf sitting in front of it. It's humanly impossible to see it, unless you have super vision"

"Was the wolf bigger than you?"

"Hey, I'm not big."

"Yes you are, fatty."

Midna scowled and bit Link. Link cried in pain and dropped his ten pence into the abyss next to him. This made Link cry harder. The Golden wolf made a 0_o face as Midna tried to devour Link's arm and the hero sobbed for his useless piece of silver ("Hey, that's my lunch money!" The author cried)

"Look, we're already over 1000 words into the chapter and not at the forest temple yet. Can we PLEASE just get on with the bloody story?" The golden wolf shouted over the din ("Hey, why over me? What did I do?" Din asked. )

Midna removed herself from Link's arm, leaving only his bones there. Link then remembered the yellow stuff he had stolen and, because he was too stupid to realise it was lantern oil, drunk it in a desperate attempt to restore his arm. Sure enough, an arm grew back, but it was Homer Simpsons arm.

"D'oh!" Link cursed.

"Can I teach you the ending blow please?" The Golden Wolf asked.

Midna took Link's sword and stabbed the beast in the head, killing it. She then ate Link's new arm, got him some RED POTION and brought his normal arm back.

"Let's go cross-dressing transvestite." Midna said, disappearing into the shadows. Link growled.

Somewhere in heaven, the old Link's were growling too. The hero of Time was a transvestite, and as everything revolved around him, all of them were too. Midna had just insulted them all.

"Shall we kill her?" Minish Cap Link asked.

"No." Wind Waker Link answered "she'll eat us."

"True, true, she will." The author said "now get out of those angel costumes and back into your own games."

Finally after 1205 words, Link reached the Forest Temple, only to realise that he needed a full lantern to get in. He went back to Trill's shop and the bird beat him up for stealing. Luckily Link managed to put a Rupee in the box with only a quarter of a heart remaining and Trill let him off. Link took the oil he needed and walked off, forgetting to pay again. Woe-betide him if he needed to go there again.

"Midna, I'm baaack!" He called, forgetting that Midna was in the cramped space of his shadow.

"I'm here you idiot!" She shouted.

"Where?"

Midna head palmed. "In your minuscule shadow."

"Not my fault you're fat." Link said. If Midna wasn't stuck, she'd have smacked him, but her thigh was wedged in his neck area, and she wasn't supposed to have small thighs in the first place.

"Look, can we go?" She pleaded.

"Couldn't you have gone before we left?" Link asked, thinking she needed the loo. Midna screamed.

"NO YOU IDIOT, JUST GET YOUR F***ING ARSE INTO THE GODDAMN DUNGEON BEFORE I VORE YOU BASTARD!"

Link was silenced for a few seconds, and then he edged into the dungeon.

"It smells like dog pee in here..." Link moaned.

"So? Get on with it." Midna instructed. Link shook his head.

"Are you shaking your head? Because if you are, I am going to BREAK YOU!" Midna yelled.

"Sorry, I got my hair wet. Augh, it's even wetter! My beautiful locks! Ruined! I spent four hours dying this!"

"Link, that's your natural colour. This isn't A Link to the Past you know. Now shut up, and beat the bloody dungeon." Midna managed to un-wedge her leg from Link's neck and rose out of his shadow. Link cowered in fear.

"So, will you clear this dungeon with no more fuss Mr Heeero?"

Link saluted and puffed out his chest. He stood very tall and chanted

"Sir, yes sir!"

Midna went very red.

"Sir, you look like a boiled tomato sir!"

Midna started sweating.

"Sir, you look hot sir!"

"LINK, I'M A WOMAN! Now say 'yes ma'am.'"

"Yes... sir."

Link was given another nose bleed. Midna just laughed.

"That'll teach ya Link. Now, never EVER call me a man again."

"But sir is pronounced exactly the same as soeur in French, and that means sister."

Midna broke Link's nose. It bled even harder. Then he fainted.

Hey, the million year line has made a comeback! A million years later, Midna managed to revive Link, after lifting him to the high ledge at the edge of the first room in the dungeon, because a Deku Baba looked hungry for some cross dressing Hylian ("Hey! If anyone eats him, it's me, so back off flower, before I get hungry for some Baba soup." Midna cursed.) The arse slapping ape was there, pointing to Midna, air humping and licking her lips.

"Why do I attract weirdoes, who are mainly girls?" Midna asked herself.

"You are attractive." Link said, attempting to hug Midna again. As his nose was broken, Midna decided to painfully twist Link's ear. The hero did his womanly scream and fell off the ledge. Midna face palmed.

It was pretty obvious that Link had to climb the vines in front of him to reach the ledge, but despite the one hundred neon signs saying 'climb the vines to get to the ledge', it took him seven hours to figure it out. When he finally did, Midna and the monkey were playing cards.

"Mid. Can we go now?" Link asked.

"Thank Nayru! C'mon, let's go."

Midna disappeared into the shadows and Link opened the door to the next room.

Hey, is that a spider!?" Link gasped, pointing to the menacing looking Skulltulla that was charging towards them, its fangs dripping with poison, ready to pierce the hero. From the shadows Midna let out a scream, and Link screamed too. It was so hard to tell which scream was which, because they both sounded feminine. The monkey head palmed and scampered off.

"I'm going to get a game over... Damn..." The gamer sighed, throwing down the nunchuck and Wii remote.

"This is the ends of Link!" Link cried as the Skullbjgehdbkjgtfjv jyxvtrgiugft8yhw43t5iubh...

"What happened?" Midna asked, as everything froze suddenly. By the looks of things, Link was about to get impaled by a spider's fangs, when the author fainted and landed on the keyboard, hence the gibberish. Therefore, they had to cut out most of the dungeon and skip ahead to the good bit. OOK!

Link limped into the miniboss arena, covered in blood, monkey fur and Baba Serpent heads. He was in no peak condition to fight, even a Walltulla ("NO SPIDERS!" The author moaned). Midna was hovering next to him, paying no attention to his pain, only to the large slab of chocolate cake she was stuffing her face with.

"Uh, Midna, where is the miniboss?" Link asked

"Gough am nigh uppossed chu go?" Midna replied with her gob full.

"You are the helper. You're supposed to know everything. Meh, I'll find him myself." Link started to skip around the room. Then a baboon with an arse almost as big as Midna's leapt out and started singing.

"My name's Ook

I'm a big baboon

I'm the king of the monkeys in Faroon

I have a girlfriend called Maroon

And I like to kill Links with my gale boom... erang."

Link was highly disturbed. So was everyone else within earshot.

"I'm outta here." Midna said, disappearing into Link's shadow. Or at least she tried too. When she got her hips in, she got stuck.

"Uh... Oh goddesses... Hang on." She wriggled around, but was still stuck. Link giggled. Midna grumbled.

"Well, I'm not surprised you're stuck." Ook said, pulling Midna out of Link's shadow by her ear and poking her stomach as she hung helplessly. "Fatty."

"I'm not fat!" Midna protested. Ook shook his head.

"Yes you are imp. You're very fat. Look, if you don't lose all this," Ook dropped Midna and poked her stomach again "you're going to have serious problems when you're older. Just think of all your veins and arteries, all clogged up with a disgusting blob of fat. Your blood flow to your heart slowly dies down, and you do too. Lose some weight or you're going to die. Simple as pie. Now, get jogging!"

Midna went rather pale and then fainted. When she hit the ground, it caused an earthquake, which made Ook explode. He dropped his gale boomerang and Link took it.

"Dan, dan, dan, daaaan! You got the Gale boomerang. Equip it with B or use the -|- so you don't have to swap blah, blah, blah..."

Link grinned at his new item and threw it at Midna to wake her up. It just bounced off her stomach. It then hit Link that she was out completely and that he could do whatever he wanted to her. He wouldn't rape her yet though, so he had to make do with kissing and fondling. She makes quite a nice cushion Link thought; resting his head on her stomach I think I might zzzz..." Link was asleep within seconds. The Gale boomerang got bored of waiting for him to awake and walked off to get high on crack. The author was still mad because of the spider. And the monkey was reading a porno.

"Like I said..." The gamer mumbled "Really fucked up."

- - -

A/N: Long chapter then guys. Remember; never let XEmoMidnaX near a spider. Oh, and kill me if I got the French wrong (or at least correct me...)