The Con-fused shadow

The Gale boomerang was extremely high and pissed when it found Link again. The boy was still snoring and every so often, making inappropriate sounds. He was probably dreaming of making love to Midna. Midna was dreaming about chocolate. And Link's hat was hanging out of her mouth and she was chewing it. The boomerang decided that there was no hope for either of them and lay down beside Link. It was cold, due to being pissed, and its cold metal touched Midna's belly, which made her sit up and scream "I SURRENDER!" This made Link wake up too, and he peed his pants.

"Damn, I thought I'd sorted my weak bladder problem."

"Link, you could never sort out any of your problems. You're a walking unfixable problem machine." Midna retorted, using the GB as a tooth pick. Link pouted and threw the GB, which was now covered in plaque, at the door in rage. Surprisingly enough, it opened slightly and Link decided to squeeze under it, and magically go through the second door, using his magical cape from ALttP. When he was through he shouted

"Come on Midna!"

They had both forgotten that she was overweight, and Midna got stuck. It took a few hours to unstick her, using... well, something sticky that Link produced that the author'd rather not say... okay, okay, it was blood! Nothing inappropriate, so don't think it was, dirty minded readers! So, yeah, Midna was unstuck and said some naughty words and then she tried to force her big bum into Link's shadow. But, alas, she was just too fat. Then Link hatched an idea (quite literally, an egg fell out of his arse, and then it hatched into an idea). He looked evilly at Midna and pulled out some weird things that you might find at a hospital. Midna gulped as Link advanced onto her. Then he jabbed her and she screamed.

One incredibly painful liposuction later, Midna actually looked decent. And even more sexy than she did before. Link drooled. And his nose bled, but this time, it wasn't because Midna hit it. She was too busy admiring her now curvy, but still a bit plump, body. Then the GB ruined the moment.

"Jeeze, look at this fat!" it said, holding up a large sack of what used to be inside Midna's body. She took one glance and puked violently. Everyone wondered how one so small could puke that much... But in The Legend of a lesbian: Twilight on Crack, anything was possible.

"Can we go now?" Link asked, using his hat to staunch the blood flow from his nose. At any rate, he'd be mistaken for Red Link soon.

"Yes, of course." Midna giggled, wiggling her hips. Link started drooling again. Midna slapped him.

"Let's go!" The GB shouted. Link and Midna snapped it in half.

"Oops..." Link said, looking at his half of the dead boomerang.

"Hehe..." Midna laughed nervously. Then they both ran off screaming, because the Monkeys would kill them for being murderers.

One dungeon later, the duo found themselves at the boss door. Why it was decorated with Christmas lights, no-one would ever know. Link decided to go in.

"You dare bring light into my lair? You must die!" The plant monster boomed.

"Oh boy, I can't wait to bomb some plant thing!"

"Mah boi, just fight the goddamn thing. And hurry up about it! I'm so hungry, I could eat an Octorok."

"Enough crappy CD-i Zelda imitations and get your arses into battle!" The gamer cursed. Actually, now she was a watcher, because the game had a mind of its own.

"Let's just fight now..." Diababa said.

"Oh..." Link sighed.

Then a familiar face rode in through the holes in the side of the wall, and no, it wasn't Ook.

"HIYA LINK! Hi gorgeous." Zelda said as she swung on a rope, wearing only a leaf over her private part and her hair covering her breasts.

Link peed himself and his nose bled. Midna head palmed and warped Zelda home. Diababa died. From the corpse of the plant, a black object leapt out, into Link's open palms, where it hovered.

"Where am I? Oh, hello young lady." Link cringed. "I am a fragment of the Con-Fused Shadow. Ask me anything and I will give you the opposite answer.

"Will Midna and I be a couple ever?"

"No."

"Is Midna going to get fat again?"

"No."

"Will Zelda ever stop being a perverted lesbian?"

"Yes."

"Is Link a transvestite?" Midna shouted.

"No."

"Ha-ha!" Midna did a stupid impression of Nelson Muntz and Link tried to shoot himself. It took him a while to realise that his hat wasn't a gun and he and Midna warped out with the Con-Fused shadow fragment.

In the spring, Faron was smoking a fag. She didn't look up from her Porno magazine and just pointed in the direction of the hippie dude that gave Link the lantern ("I don't recall Link getting a lantern." The Gamer/Watcher said. The author gave her the evils and she shut up.) Anyway, Link walked along to the hippie dude's house and he came up and hugged him.

"Oh, not another gay..."

"Oh, sorry, I thought you were a tree."

Link ran screaming like a girl.

Into a weird dude who looked like someone who had no life, apart from being drunk and raping innocent women, like Midna, who was digging a hole to curl up and die in.

"A letter for you!" The man said. He was a post man. Link looked at a nearby abyss and wondered if it was worthwhile throwing himself into it. He decided that if he were to commit suicide, he'd do it some other way, maybe after Midna had died in her hole.

"Pssst, take the letter, because I don't really want to die in a hole."

Midna snapped. Link took the letter and waved the postman goodbye.

"Oh, don't go that way, there is a big black wall." And the postman ran off, but he couldn't run and looked a bit like the author's friend's brother. Midna came out of her hole and leaned on Link's shoulder as he opened the letter cautiously.

"It's his underpants..." Link said, holding up a pair of bunny undies.

"Can we go now?" Midna asked, highly disturbed. "I need to take twenty showers to cleanse myself of what I just saw." Link nodded and the two left the undies in the middle of Hyrule field, on an epic quest to find a shower.

Twenty showers later, Link and Midna arrived at the big black wall. Normally, Midna would have said something, but she was too lazy and pulled Link into the Twilight, where he transformed back into a doggy. Midna sat on him, and was much lighter than usual, which made Link smile.

I'm a doggy again! Yaaay!

"You like being a wolf?"

Yes

"Good, because you'll be one for a while. I preferred you as a human though. You were hawt."

Really? You're hot too Midna.

"Aww, hey stop flattering me and get moving!"

Yes...uh...si-ma'am, yeah ma'am

"Good boy. Now, get!"

Link got. Midna an ice cream sundae, which she refused to eat because the milk in Hyrule wasn't good stuff. Link was probably brought up on it.

"Link when I tell you to 'get' I mean move doofus. Now, move!"

Link moved. He moved one metre to be exact.

"This is going to take a while..." Midna muttered. The author and watch/gamer nodded in agreement. To pass the time, Midna decided to get out her iPod and listen to it. She'd probably need her whole one thousand song playlist, and she'd probably need it more than once before Link actually used the dried and shrivelled up thing that was his brain...

A/N: Thus concludes chapter five. I'm going to try and get up to MDH by the end of October, but the week after that, I get stabbed in the arm, so I might be too emo to write.