A/N: Goddesses, it's been so long! Well, this is a (much better) redo of chapter seven. Sorry I was so long, lots of things happened including my computer blowing up. Well, I'm writing three other humour fics to go with this one, and chapter one of Ocarina of Limes is up. Read them! READ THEEEEEEEM! Now, on with chapter seven.

Midna's paradise

"Please spare me Jabba…" Link pleaded. The fat mayor grunted and began to take his top off. Link screamed his high pitched, awfully feminine scream and closed his eyes tight, fearing that he was going to drown in the belly flab. This guy had a bigger pair of breasts than a fat lady.

"Stop being a lady. Act, sound and dress like a man!"

"You're not going to my birthday party anymore then. You big fat meanie!" Link ran out crying. He returned five minutes later with his clothes in tatters and cuts all over his body.

"What happened to you?" fatty asked, sharing a chocolate cake with his new best friend Midna

"I tried to hug a Cucco…." Link squeaked, flinching at Midna's death glare.

"You're mentally retarded Link…" Midna told him, pointing out the clearly obvious. Bo grunted in agreement.

"Cuccos are cute… I felt an unnatural urge to cuddle it… I didn't know that they were KILLERS."

"Link, this is a parody of a video game. Of course your worst enemies are going to be chickens."

"Wait… this is a parody of a video game. Of course my worst enemies are going to be chickens!" Link announced, ripping his dress off in elated triumph.

"Forget my shitty theory, that was great," Midna said, beginning to leave the cramped abode which smelt like alcohol. Lots of it.

"Where are you going Middums?" Bo asked, standing up abruptly, making his belly wobble.

"I'm getting out of here. I'm already drowning in my own flab and I don't want to drown in yours."

"But… I thought we had something special! Oh Midna!"

"Stop crying," Midna slammed the door behind her and hopped onto Epona. She put on her fedora and russet coloured trench coat, slipping deep black sunglasses on with her hair hand. 'Resident Cookies', as this embarrassing costume was called, kicked the maroon mare in the side. Epona collapsed. Resident Cookies sighed and commenced dragging Epona away to Kakarioko village.

* * *

Meanwhile, Link was content with himself flicking through porno. Fatty was crying himself a river of tears over his newfound love, an overweight imp, who had walked out on him. His walrus moustache drooped. Link had to shut the porno in disgust when he saw a picture of the hell kids, Colin and Ilia in their swimsuits. It was too much to bear. Fatty continued his excessive bawling.

"Will you shut up?" Link demanded, sounding as male as his voice could manage, which was still very girly.

"How can I when the woman I love hates me? I even sent her nachos!"

"Well, she probably never got them if you sent them five minutes ago… Tell ya what. I'll let her know you sent her the nachos if you give me your boots."

"How do I know you will?"

"I'm the hero."

"You've done a pretty good job of messing the game up Mr. Hero. I can't trust you."

"Fine," Link began, placing one hand on the door, "Midna's mine."

Bo's eyes widened like he was on crack (who's to say he wasn't?) and tears welled up.

"Please no…. Take the goddess damned boots and tell Midna I love her!" Bo threw some iron boots at Link, which were an awful yellow. They were as light as a feather, which was strange for iron boots. Link dashed out before Bo realised he lied and drowned the poor hero in his stomach.

* * *

The journey to Kakarioko was fraught with peril, and Link had no Epona to carry him safely across the vast plains. He swore under his breath to single handily murder Midna, or at least steal every yummy treat she bestowed. The thin grass was scuffing his boots and clouds of dirt were thrown into his eyes randomly whenever he tried to run. Bokoblins came at him at all sides and oversized Cuccos called Kargarocs began pecking at his scalp and trying to steal the hat. Link squealed and whipped his sword from his scabbard, impaling one of the prehistoric birds, who was attempting to rip out the earring. No-one tried to steal Link's woman hood. Once Link had slaughtered one beast, he felt an ecstatic urge to fight more. His sword whooshed through the air with ease, taking out the rest of the Kargaroc fleet with one swift blow. A Bokoblin aimed for Link, poised for the kill and met the same fate as the now incredibly bloody blade cleaved it in half. The cool spray of red liquid covered Link's face and a vast expanse of the grass around him. Something good ailed him, something that enabled him to act like a man. Then it hit him full in the face. Link pulled his dreadful, khaki dress from his face and looked down at his bare chest. If the ladies saw that, they'd get many nosebleeds. It was obvious that without the dress, he was a man. He'd never don the garment as long as he lived ever again. The newly found man charged through the fields at top speed, his sword held out to the side, destroying any unfortunate being that came into his path. Yes, even the Postman. The gamer gave out a little cry of joy when her least favourite character hit the dust.

* * *

Midna obviously felt it compulsory to sunbathe whilst she waited for Link. The hell kids, who re-spawned after becoming road kill, died again after seeing an awful amount of belly. Midna had eaten the remains of Beth, who was to re-spawn when Midna excreted. Which was never as the only hole Midna had was her big fat gob. And nose and ears, not to mention all her pores. The imp had parked Epona in the spring and awaited her lady friend's return. A manly call echoed throughout the village and Midna lifted her head lazily. A bare-chested blonde truanted into the village, most of his body bloodstained; however there was not a wound in sight, thus meaning the blood could not possibly be his own. For a split second, Midna thought her Prince had finally come, but then she spotted the hat and the earring. She realised, much to her disappointment, that this was not a Prince; it was her stupid companion who had given up on the transvestite job and had become a stripper.

"Hallo Midna," he greeted in a smooth, relaxing tone. Midna blushed on the inside, but on the outside she donned her heart of stone.

"Where in the name of Din's thirty four DD bras have you been? You sound funny; did you go through puberty in three hours or something?"

"No. I just took my dress off and now I'm a man!"

"Link, before you go parading around in your frilly pink briefs, please get a six pack."

"If you lose weight," Link ordered her. Midna rolled her eyes. "Anyway, you know what I got to do next?" Link asked her sheepishly.

"You have to get dressed, jump onto Epona and wait until a fat green thing comes and takes Colin, then ride epically in and fight fatty. Or you can just let me eat Colin."

Link pondered this for a few minutes before deciding how he was to for fill this task. Kill Colin or kill another fat person. The fat people had rights. Colins didn't.

"Need any utensils Milady? Your meal awaits."

Midna's eyes lit up and the two grinned evilly. In the distance, the faint silhouette of Colin stood, oblivious to the fate that awaited him.

* * *

An epic theme began to play as Link and Midna stood at the mouth of Pyromaniac Mountain, ready to begin the ascent upwards. Midna wiped the last residue of Colin from her mouth and Link readjusted his hat. They exchanged a glance before Midna slipped into her shadowy den and all fell silent, save for the distance sounds of a volcano erupting. The feminine tunic resided in Midna's invisible storage space, and Link was anything but a woman. His fingers gripped around the rusty wires of the mesh and he hauled himself up.

"This fic is slightly slipping away from the humour… Make Link put the tunic back on," the author instructed, throwing a blood curdling glance at the gamer. She opened up the clothing screen and looked at it for a few seconds. The manly clothes were highlighted and the picture of Link was flexing his muscles. She selected the dress and Link started skipping. When the screen flashed back to game play, Link fell down; saying a lot of naughty words in the gamer's general direction. He began the ascent again, complaining that the mesh was 'ruining his fingernails'. An unhappy rock was waiting for him at the top, and didn't look best pleased when Link's head appeared over the top of the cliff face. He hauled himself onto solid ground and found himself face-to-face with the unhappy rock.

"Hey, it's yellowish and fat. It must be Homer Simpson!" the idiot exclaimed, clapping his hands.

"No, I'm not, I'm actually Bart. Eat my shorts!" Bart curled up into a ball and hurled himself at Link. Link squealed and put the boots on. Once they were on his feet, they weighed more than Midna. As Bart collided with Link, the ear splitting sound of snapping ankles echoed throughout Hyrule.

"He smelled like Gorgon Zola cheese!" Link told Midna, oblivious to his broken ankles. The bones healed themselves, because this was a video game, and Link waddled up the mountain, getting run over by many more Gorgon Zola flavoured Simpsons characters. Within the shadows, Midna sighed. This was going to take a while.

* * *

When Link finally managed to get to the domain of the Gorgon Zola tribe, a heavy meteor shower began to greet them, one missing Link by a mere few centimetres. The hero squealed and jumped into Midna's arms, as she was about to make a stupid pointless annoying message (SPAM) spew from her mouth. A giant, boiling rock appeared a few seconds later, making Link emit a squeak so high pitched; only an animal could hear it. Midna was about to spew some more SPAM, before Link whacked her in the mouth with his own. The kiss was meant out of comfort; as if Link kissing her would stop the horrible Gorgon Zolas from making their mountain do a poopy. Midna puked inside her mouth and tried to wrench Link from her body. His grasp proved too strong for her and in the end, she had to live with it. Fearing Link was too shaken to continue the further climb, Midna preceded the journey with Link cradled in her arms, still sucking on her mouth like a leech. It was very tempting to eat the mountain dwellers, as the divine smell they gave off was mouth-wateringly good. Link's mouth had slipped from hers and he lay sound asleep in her arms. If it wasn't for his womanly features, he might have looked rather… cute. Midna felt her blood boil in her cheeks and a wide grin appeared on her otherwise motionless face. Something powerful had firmed between the two idiots. Something not even a cat man could destroy. Midna was so lost in her emotion that she failed to notice the entrance to the patriarch's coven was right before her. Link's eyelashes fluttered and he slipped from Midna's weak grasp onto the floor. The imp, dreadfully embarrassed, slipped into his shadow without another word. Link regained his senses and lifted his body from the floor, rubbing the back of his head. The mouth of the cave he lay in front of was very dimly lit, and he found it rather difficult to see what lay within. He felt a wave of fear course through his veins and his limbs simply wouldn't move. A random faerie had to slap him sharply around the head before he went in. A rather strong, unpleasant smell of cheese flooded his nostrils upon entering. Link looked up and gulped, at the sight of several rather enraged Gorgon Zolas, intent on one thing. To kill Link…

* * *

Link felt his bladder empty the content within all over the floor. Midna was searching on eBay for oversized nappies, tired of being rained on by foul smelling liquid. The Cheese men hated strange dressing humans and were intent on turning him into a Link pancake. If a rather old looking cheese man with mould growing on him hadn't stopped them, they'd already have breakfast for the following day. Link opened one eye and his body uncoiled from it's hunched up physique. He let a sigh of relief escape his lungs and almost hugged the Cheese man, before realising it'd just make him smell awful.

"What business do you have here human?" Cheesy boomed, his voice rough and deep. Link flinched and began to stammer.

"The next Confused Shadow is in your mines… And I only say that because the script said."

"The script I own says you don't talk."

"You own the normal version. In the crack version, I do talk and my voice is noise pollution."

"Your face is sight pollution…" Midna mumbled. Link attempted to stamp on his own shadow, but missed.

"Anyway, you can't go in," the Cheese man affirmed. Link's jaw fell open and onto the floor. He bent down to pick it back up and slotted it back into place like nothing happened. Before long, he was whining.

"Why not? That's not fair, you're really mean. It can't be hard!"

"It's not difficulty that will cause you trouble… It's what happened to our Patriarch. You see, he touched this random dark thing and turned into a monster. Now he is such an eyesore, that we quarantined him in a secluded area deep within the mines. If you wish to go on and save the Patriarch, you must beat me in a fight," Link began to draw his sword, "a sumo fight!" The Gorgon Zola announced, stepping into a small, raised arena in the centre of the room. Link gulped and stepped into the arena, his heart pounding within his ribcage. The Gorgon Zola got into a fighting stance and Link copied. Someone announced something, most likely in a foreign language and the two began to sumo.

* * *

Cheese man grabbed Link around the waist and began to attempt forcing him off the arena. Link tried to push against the force, but it proved futile, even with the boots on. Midna sighed and began rifling through Link's wallet. She pulled out a yellow Rupee and glided casually over to Cheese man. She whispered discretely in his ear (wherever that was)

"Hey, here's a ten Rupee. Go buy yourself… Anything, whatever you get will be a vast improvement. Now let Link into your mines or I'll tell your girlfriend you're gay!"

"No! Don't tell her I have feelings for Bob the boulder!"

"Don't you mean Bob the Builder?"

"No, I mean Boulder," the Cheese man pointed to a large rock with a smiley face drawn on it. Midna rolled her eyes and Cheesy ordered the two Gorgon Zolas guarding the entrance to allow Link and Midna into the mines. Link cast a glance to Midna who disappeared into his shadow, removed the boots and began to slowly approach the entrance. When he ventured within the mines, an unnaturally bright light greeted him. In fact, one might say that the mines… sparkled…

A/N: Hoped you liked it! I'll update a lot faster now.

In the next chapter…

Link will face the Ordeal of the mines…

Ganon's true fandom is revealed…

And the two face the final wall to the final area of Twilight.