Chapter 2

"When a girl ceases to blush,

she has lost the most powerful charm of her beauty."

*

My mother was oblivious to a lot of things, but she was not stupid. She saw the changes. How I tried so hard to look pretty and get ready every morning for him, yet something else was off. I lost weight, my jeans were hanging off of me, my shirts involuntarily baggy, my hair was thinner, even my cheeks seemed thinner. I didn't have to worry about a random blush occurring, I didn't have any real emotions left. I went through the motions. Even though my mother was gone for four out of the seven days of the week, she noticed this. It makes me wonder about all my 'friends' who saw me every day, yet didn't say anything. It only took her a couple times of seeing me like this to speak up.

"Hon, are you doing okay?" she asked, I was yet again doing homework on the kitchen counter.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I replied as emotionally as I could. Even my voice was starting to sound like it was part of this uniform.

"You look so tired..." my mom sounded a little bit hopeless.

"I am, its just my math classes," I was a very bad liar to being with. But now, it seemed necessary. I didn't want to make my mom worried and I was getting a little more experienced with James around. If I didn't say the answer he liked...

"Okay, if you say so..." Rene still sounded worried. As if she could fix this. I was the only one who could. And I realized I was going to have to, and very soon. But when was very soon? We had been dating now for six months, and I hadn't stopped anything. The beatings were getting worse and worse every time, he raped me on routine, he controlled every aspect of my life. I knew I wasn't in love. But if I wasn't... why couldn't I leave?

I was driving us to his favorite restaurant in downtown Phoenix. We were just casually talking, like we used to... he even complimented me once or twice. I don't know what his deal was, four months of horrible treatment. And then this. It was almost all worth it. Just this twenty minute drive to his favorite restaurant. It was peaceful and perfect. I wish I could ingrain this in my brain, and make it my default image of James.

His perfect smile, twinkling blue eyes and such sincerity it killed me to know that it wouldn't last.

And it didn't.

The dinner was fine, he had to be civilized in public, but I was scared for our car ride back home. And what would happen after.

"You little slut," was the first thing he said to me when we got in the car. The tension had been building throughout all of dinner, you could have cut it with a knife.

"I'm sorry, James," I replied, reversing the car, and getting back onto the highway.

"Do you even know what you fucking did?" he asked. With all honesty I did not... I shook my head no and that set him off tonight. "I take you to our favorite place! And you have the decency to flirt, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, with our god damn waiter! YOU ARE MINE!"

He was livid. It didn't stop there. He screamed at me for all my wrongs, in the past two days. I couldn't help it I started to cry. I was so ashamed of myself. That I let it get this horrible. This man that everyone thought was so perfect, was degrading me to something lower than a person. I was scared, lonely and thoroughly depressed. The whole time he was ranting and slamming his fists on the doors, I was just sobbing to myself silently.

"Why the FUCK are you crying?" he screamed at me. I turned just the slightest bit to see him. The rage in his eyes were something I have never seen before. I had NEVER seen this side of him. Not even the times he had strangled me, kicked me, slapped me, raped me.

Never.

And that scared me the most. I wasn't sure what to say.

"Are you scared?" he mocked in a pitiful voice that sounded so meak and mean at the same time. "Huh?!" he said a little louder. I didn't know what to say. I think he would punish me for either anser. "ARE YOU FUCKING SCARED!?" he screamed so loud, as he physically pushed me, causing the car to swerve severely. I skimmed another car, he grabbed the wheel, but I had a feeling it wasn't to help and sure enough...

I remember tumbling, crashing, a loud crushing sound.

Him say, "Bitch."

And I was out.

I woke up, and my eyes were wet with tears. I didn't know what was really going on, but I remember bawling still. I was so disoriented and scared. I couldn't remember what happened really, but I know I was scared, and I wanted to leave. I was scared he was here. Waiting for me.

"Belly?" I heard my mom from somewhere to the right of me. I jumped involuntarily. "Oh Bells, oh my!" she came over and hugged me so tightly it hurt. I cried out in surprise, and fear.

Everything felt like him. No one had touched me besides him for the past couple months. It was burning... burning.

"Mom," I croaked out. I couldn't do this... I couldn't stay here. "Mom..." I tried again. But I couldn't get the words to come out.

"I'm so sorry baby, so sorry," I wasn't sure what she was apologizing for at the time, I just know that I knew what context I wanted them to be in. I wanted to tell her, everything. And maybe I could, but not now. Not now...

She felt sorry because James was in critical condition. She didn't give me details about him, but she told me about me. I only had two broken ribs, a broken hand and intense bruising on the left side of my face, the side James had slammed into my window. She would never hopefully know that though... I knew I couldn't tell her now for sure...

This was however, a time I needed to tell her something else. I could no longer stay in Phoenix. I needed to get out. Trying to break up with James was out of the question. He would kill me. He was going to kill me over not being scared. I can't imagine what he would do if I tried to end it.

"Mom... can I please go stay with Charlie?" I sounded so strangled, even to my own ears.

My mom looked as shocked as I felt. It was the only alternative I could think of. It was far away, in Washington. James couldn't reach me, nobody could. I would be safe.

It took my mom a lot of convincing, she had no clue why I suddenly wanted to go live with my father, who I hadn't seen in two years. I wasn't sure why his name popped into my head then either. I had to come up with multiple reasons as to why I should. She could travel freely with Phil, not bothering to come home ever if she wanted was the main one she latched onto as if it were a life preserver.

Not a week later I was on a plane ride up to Forks, Washington to live with my father.

*

The plane ride didn't last more than a couple hours, although with all the thoughts racing through my mind it was hard to tell. The good thing was, I was thinking more of the future, although it was inevitable to completely block out the past. The past was the exact reason why I was on this plane right now, possibly making the best or worst decision of my life.

A couple days after I got out of the hospital, I went right back to school. My mom wasn't entirely convinced yet about me going to Charile's, she wanted to see how I acted when I got back to school and see if this was a shock reaction of some kind. I didn't like not being busy, and those couple days in the hospital made me think more than I had wanted to about past occurrences. Going back wasn't such a good plan either, I found out. People- my friends namely- seemed to know what had happened, although that was impossible. I was fairly sure I was keeping up my profile, playing bruises off as my clumsiness. The looks they gave me though, hinted to something more. As if this whole time they had known. And how disgusted they were that I had let this happen to myself. If anything it was my personality that had changed so dramatically that was getting me in trouble. Especially now...

I consider myself a strong person. Being with a boyfriend who beats you for half of a year, takes a toll on you. It warps your mind; trying to make it think that it's not as bad as it really is. I'm waiting for it to catch up with me, and after the accident I think it did. I cried constantly, on the way to school, sometimes in the bathroom after I made myself puke because of how disgusted I was with myself, on the way home from school, all night until I fell asleep... Even then it would come to haunt me. I still felt it wasn't enough. Like half of what he had done to me hadn't sunk in yet. Every day was worse and worse. Slaps, punches, kicks, cutting...

James wasn't back at school yet, I don't know if he was in the hospital still or just skipping to avoid me... I wasn't sure. I, however, did not mind one bit. It was hard enough to talk to people now a days, alone, but having him there, hovering over my shoulder, watching my every move... it was eery. I couldn't concentrate. Even then, I would be looking over my shoulder, jumping when I felt someone brush my shoulder while passing me in the hallway.

I looked out the window, gazing at the clouds, wondering when we were going to be there, like a child. I was also wondering how this situation would work out. I had not seen Charlie in almost two years, and like me he was not particularly talkative. Which is why my mom and I worked so well together. She was bubbly and charming, while my dad and I, especially now, were going to be awkward. I wondered how I would fit in, and if people at Forks High School would think I was a freak; actually, I didn't even have to wonder about that, I knew they would.

I started dozing off, the kind where your head bobs up and down but you try to resist the temptation to really fall asleep. It mostly happens in school. Since the first time James has slapped me, I have had bad dreams. I was cursed with insomnia, which wasn't hard to cover up with makeup and coffee every morning, but the dreams seemed to get worse and worse every night. The sad thing was, a lot of them weren't dreams... they were my punishments more severe. James at one point started to cut me; not badly, just on my hip bones, and just to draw blood. I dreamt about this most often, it getting worse, to the point of him killing me. Which is why in the car the day of the accident, I think he was capable of it. No... I know he was. His image, his face, his punishments, would always be there to haunt me. To watch my every move... he would always be apart of me now.

Before I knew it, they announced we had landed and I was shuffled along with the rest of the passengers, in a daze, not even realizing my dad was just a mere few feet in front of me until he said my name.

"Bells?" my dad asked, more than said. Did I really look that different?

"Hi dad," I said, giving him a small smile. It was the least I could do. I subconsciously grabbed my hair, just wanting to have something to hold onto.

"Hi, uh, wow, you've changed a lot since I've last seen you," he said, wary at first but trying to be convincing to not only myself, but to him as well. I also noticed his voice laced with a sort of comic tone. I just nodded and tried my hardest to smile, hoping it didn't come across as a grimace or something worse.

"Well kiddo, lets go get your stuff and get out of here," he said trying to be genuinely warm and optimistic about this whole thing. I take it Rene didn't fully describe what she was sending here exactly.

Charlie wasn't a man of many words, especially when it came to talking about feelings. That's why when he said something, you tended to listen closer than if someone random was talking. The fact that he was trying to lighten this mood that somehow got set the moment he saw me, was the closest definition to sweet I could ever think of. I like my dad, didn't really have a way with words, so I couldn't conjure up a way to thank him, so most of the trip was silence. I didn't really know how to talk to anyone anymore...

I hadn't been to Charlie's house in over two years, and let me tell you, I could even remember that nothing has changed since then anyways. Same white exterior and cabin like feel inside. Cozy, just how my mom had wanted it all those years ago. He didn't change it for her.

Charlie lead me to my room, which was exactly the same as I remember that also. Same little girl wallpaper, medium size bed and table. Basic, simple. It was just what I needed for now. No reminders of the past and no references to the future.

When all my bags were carried up I sighed loudly and sat on my bed.

My dad smiled slightly, looking at me once again, as if trying to figure out this was really me. He gave me a piece of paper and as I looked down on it, it looked like a map of some sort. I realized it was a map of Forks high school.

"School starts Tuesday for you, I figured you'd want a day off." I took a deep gulp. A new school, where I didn't know anyone. It's not like I didn't figure this out before I rashly decided to come here, it was just sinking in how I'd have to try and act normal and make new friends.

"Th-Thank you," I pushed out from my throat that seemed to constrict. Charlie just nodded, and told me to settle in and come downstairs if I got hungry. All I could think about was school though. Even people in Phoenix treated me like slime that walked the earth, the way I deserved to be treated. And they knew of my situation... I tried to block these images out of my head. After all this is a new town, with new beginnings...

Then I came back to reality.

I rolled my eyes in my head, who would ever want to be friends with me?