Tony stared at his computer monitor trying to concentrate on the words on the screen. The letters seemed to jumble together and he was reading the same sentences over and over again, unable to make heads or tails of any of it. He kept reliving the phone call which had come in about an hour before.
"Mr. DiNozzo. This is your father's attorney, Andrew Blackwood. I regret to inform you that your father passed away earlier today from a massive heart attack. The doctor told me they were unable to revive him and he never regained consciousness. Your father preplanned his funeral. I will let you know when all the arrangements have been made."
He had hung up the phone and tried to go back to work but his head wasn't in it. He suddenly felt like an orphan, but he supposed he was kind of old to be an orphan. He wasn't even sure why he would feel that way, since he had basically been ignored by his father for most of his life. He had learned at a very young age that he couldn't depend on him. He knew he should tell Gibbs and the rest of his team, but he couldn't find a way to get the words out so, he just sat there, basically doing nothing. The lawyer's voice on the phone had been so cold, emotionless. He wondered if his father had suffered. He hoped he hadn't. He'd wondered if he had thought of him at all in those last seconds before losing consciousness...
"DiNozzo!"
Gibbs' angry voice broke through his thoughts and Tony gave him a blank look. "Yeah, boss?"
Gibbs was trying very hard not to lose his patience. "For the third time, what have you found out?"
What had he found out? "I...um...nothing, boss." Tony started absently playing with a stray paperclip on his desk as he stared back at Gibbs. He could feel Ziva's and McGee's eyes on him as well.
"Nothing? What do you mean nothing, DiNozzo? You've been sitting there for over an hour. I asked you to get me some background on Andrea Olson. How difficult is that, Tony?"
Tony shrugged. He knew Gibbs was absolutely seething, but he felt oddly detached from the scene, almost like he was watching it from somewhere else, that he wasn't really part of it.
Tony's nonchalant shrug almost put Gibbs over the edge. "I asked you a question. How difficult was that?" he shouted.
"Not very difficult, boss."
By this point, Gibbs realized something was not quite right with his senior field agent and he held back the urge to give Tony multiple smacks to his head. "Tony? What's going on?" he asked softly.
Gibbs caring tone caused Tony to finally release what he had been unable to put into words until now. "My father died today," he blurted out as he suddenly got to his feet. "I've got to go, boss." He quickly headed towards the elevator and fortunately the doors opened immediately. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the elevator wall, breathing a sigh of relief now that he was alone. It wasn't until the elevator came to an abrupt halt that he realized Gibbs was in the elevator with him. "Don't really want to talk about it," he said, keeping his eyes shut.
"Tony..."
Tony sighed heavily as he opened his eyes and looked back at Gibbs silently.
"Why didn't you say something?"
"Just did, boss," he quipped.
Gibbs remained patient, recognizing the younger man's attempt at humor for what it was. His defenses were up and he was bottling everything up inside. "How did it happen?"
"Heart attack."
"I'm sorry, Tony."
"Thanks..." Tony was feeling increasingly uncomfortable. This was exactly why he hadn't said anything. He didn't want to hear the I'm sorries, didn't need the sympathy and everyone giving him pitying looks.
Gibbs could see that he wasn't going to get anywhere with his agent today. "Go home, Tony," he directed as he released the emergency brake on the elevator. "Take whatever time you need."
"Thanks, boss," Tony replied automatically as the elevator doors opened.
"And Tony?" Gibbs called after the younger man who was hastily escaping the confines of the elevator.
Tony rolled his eyes before turning back to look at Gibbs. "Yeah?"
"You let me know about the arrangements, okay?"
"Why, boss?"
"Never mind why, DiNozzo. You just do it. That's an order."
"Gotcha boss. I'll see ya."
Gibbs sighed softly as the elevator doors closed. He knew Tony was hurting, even if he wasn't ready to admit it yet, not even to himself...
*****
The next two days passed quickly for Tony. As expected, he had received numerous visits. Ducky, Ziva and Tim had all come to offer their sincere condolences for his loss. Abby had brought him his favorite pizza and given him numerous hugs as they watched movies together. He'd gotten phone calls and other visitors as well. Somehow he felt undeserving of all the attention.
A couple of days later, he was getting ready to leave for the funeral. Evidently, his father had not wanted a wake. Tony had just picked up his overnight bag to head for the airport when a knock sounded. He opened the door and found Gibbs standing behind it.
"I'm on my way out," he said as Gibbs brushed past him and entered Tony's apartment.
"What did I tell you about your father's arrangements, DiNozzo?"
"To let you know when they were," Tony answered dutifully.
Gibbs nodded. "Just making sure you understood me. Why didn't you?"
"I don't know....I didn't really see the point."
Gibbs smacked Tony on the back of his head, but it lacked the force of his usual head slaps.
"Sympathy smack, boss?" Tony asked with a faint smile.
"Funny, DiNozzo," Gibbs said, managing to keep the smile off his own face. "Come on, let's go."
Tony looked at Gibbs in confusion. "I can't go with you. I'm leaving now for the funeral."
"Sometimes I don't know how you got to be my lead agent," Gibbs said, shaking his head. "I'm going with you. Got a seat right next to you on the plane."
"You are? But how'd you manage that? How'd you find out everything?"
Gibbs just stared back at his agent until Tony figured it out. "McGee."
Gibbs nodded. "Yep. The rest of the team can't come...we got a break on the Olson case. They wanted me to tell you they're thinking of you though."
"Shouldn't you be staying here too, boss?"
Gibbs gave Tony an amused look. "You trying to get rid of me, Tony?"
"No." Tony shook his head. "I just figured you'd be needed here."
"They've got it handled. Now come on. We don't want to miss our flight."
*****
The night they arrived home, after it was all over, Tony found himself sitting on his Gibbs' couch. He wasn't even sure how he had gotten there. The last two days had passed in somewhat of a blur. He had made small talk with distant family members he had not seen in ages and endured endless expressions of sympathy, most of them insincere. The only thing that stood out was how Gibbs had remained a silent presence at his side through everything. Just him being there had given Tony the strength to get through the day.
"Boss? I...um...I just want to say thanks for you coming with me. I know you didn't have to do it and I appreciate it." He was playing with the food on his plate, his boss' cowboy-style steak. He usually loved it, but tonight he found that he just didn't have an appetite.
"You're welcome."
They sat in companionable silence as Gibbs silently observed his agent who was being so careful to keep his emotions in check. If anything, Tony at least seemed more relaxed now. He had been very tense over the past couple of days, especially in his interactions with members of his family.
"You know, Tony...its okay to cry..."
"DiNozzo men don't cry, boss." Tony knew it was a stupid thing to say. He had seen many men shed tears at his father's funeral. He just hadn't been one of them. He had remained stoic throughout. His father would have been proud.
"But men do cry, Tony." Gibbs' tone was unbearably gentle and Tony could feel his barriers beginning to crumble. "Fathers cry for their sons...sons cry for their fathers..."
Tony bit his lip and slowly shook his head. "Not me, boss..."
"Tony..." Gibbs put his hand on his agent's shoulder and Tony was brought back to the last day he had seen his father alive. His father had hugged him...He had told him he loved him.
"I didn't get to say goodbye, boss..." The tears he'd been so desperately trying to hold back finally started to flow. "I didn't get to say goodbye..."
"Everything will be okay, Tony." Gibbs drew Tony into his arms and the younger man began to sob into Gibbs' chest as he held him. "Just let it out...just let it out," Gibbs soothed, stroking the back of his head as he cried. He was relieved that Tony was finally letting go of his pent up emotions. He knew that DiNozzo would get through this...Gibbs would make sure of it.