Dark Horse
5
I Feel You
"Another endless day, another seven hundred miles that'll take me further from my home." 3 Doors Down
Quatre's POV
I can't help but look back; we're leaving Earth behind. And we're leaving Trowa behind.
"We'll be back before you know it, Cat," Duo says beside me. "We'll get the suits, be back in the blink of an eye. We'll save 'Lena and save the world and then you can share the victory kiss with tall, brunette, and bendy back there."
I laugh, but it doesn't really feel the same; it's a hollow sound, empty. Duo pats my shoulder, suddenly not so cheerful. He drops the mask, and I meet his dark, indigo-blue eyes.
"I'm worried too," he admits. "But I know that Heero... and Trowa... can take care of themselves. And so can we. We've done this before, y'know."
"It's different now," I whisper.
"How so? We're older, bigger. Probably stronger. We may have been at the peek of our training back then, but we're wiser for it now."
I look at him. "You know how. Before... we were fighting. We had no real hope of surviving, didn't really care if we lived or died. We have things to live for now. All of us. It's a liability. It's a distraction."
"Now that's not the Cat I know. It's not liabilities. It'll make us even stronger. It'll make us want to live, want to get back. Don't worry, it'll all work out. Trowa knows he's got you, so he's not gonna be all suicidal. You gotta believe that."
I sigh. He doesn't get it. But... he is my best friend and he is trying to help.
"It's not that," I whisper, closing my eyes. "I *do* have faith in him. He won't do anything reckless or rash. It's just... every time I let him out of my sight, I loose him." I admit. It's painful to admit, even to Duo.
"But..."
"No," I snap. "Something always happens. Last time... I almost didn't get him back. I'm afraid, Duo. I'm afraid that one day... I'll loose him and I won't be able to get him back."
There... one of my deepest fears laid down across the table. Duo flicks on the autopilot and turns to me.
"I understand," he states, "But that's irrelevant. If he loves you... then you won't loose him. It's as simple as that."
I look up into his eyes. Can it really be that simple? Gone was his jester's mask, he was completely serious.
"Can I ask you a question, Quat?"
I sigh. "You just did... but sure."
"I got the feeling this past week or so that something was.... off, I guess. Between you and Trowa. Not wrong, but just... different. Did you have like an argument or something? Was it about the Gundams?"
I sigh... I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. Duo was close, but still wrong.
"We always have our petty differences," I say.
"But not this... I get the feeling this isn't something like leaving the toilet-seat up or hair in the drain or something. Will.. Will you te..." I know he doesn't want to ask. He'll consider it prying, and he wants to help. "Quat, I'm your friend. I want to help."
Classic Duo. He won't ask me to tell him, but he'll try to convince me to.
"You could have asked," I tell him. "I know you're my friend. It's... It's silly really, but *not* at the same time. Duo... let me ask you a question. Have you and Heero... y'know, went past making out? All the way, I mean?"
He cocks his head and looks at me, almost confused. "Had sex?" he questions. I nod, then he nods back. "Yes, we have. It's a perfectly rational escalation of our relationship. We love each other, so..."
"Exactly!" I exclaim. "Trowa and I... we've.... just not."
"You mean... You and Trowa haven't done it yet?" He seemed just as confused as I felt.
"We sleep together," I say, "We eat together, we *take showers* together for crying out loud. There is no possible way for any relationship to be any more intimate than ours is. And yet... still he hesitates..." my voice trails off. I'm not sure why I'm telling Duo this. I usually try to keep personal matters personal... but Duo is an exception. Duo is Duo; he's like a brother to me. In a family of girls, it's nice to have a brother.
And if not for the fact that she still doesn't like me much, I wouldn't put it past Trowa to seek relationship advice from Catherine. She and I had reached a truce of sorts... she knew Trowa loved me, and for that she would accept me.
Duo was silent for a moment, thinking over my confession.
"And I take it you're insecure over it..."
"No. It's nothing like that. Trust me when I say that I *know* Trowa loves me. And you've seen... we're neither any strangers to heavy petting sessions. I don't think it's me that's insecure... I think.... I think he's scared."
"And you've talked with him about this?"
"Of course. He just... he won't talk with me. He'll evade the subject. Says he's afraid of scaring me, of hurting me. That's part of it... but there's still something else that he won't tell me. And *thats* what's hurting me, Duo. We have very few secrets. I won't say we don't have any... but we have very few. But not about *us*."
It's useless to try to fight the tears. If I ignore them, they'll go away, but if I fight them, they'll just keep falling.
"And you've been forced to separate right in the middle of all this..." Duo muttered. "Quat, I'm sorry."
"It's okay," I sigh. "It's just... I just.... I wish I knew what he was hiding."
I look out the window, into space. That black nothingness.
'Oh, Trowa... love,' I think, 'what is so terrible that you can't tell even me?'
I place a hand on my heart as it gives an odd little vibration.
"Trowa?" I whisper. What was that? It's not usual. I've never felt that before. Another tear falls down, unbidden.
I told Duo that every time we part... I end up losing the one I love. I end up loosing Trowa. My heart gives another little twist, and I close my eyes tight against the pain, against the tears.
It's begun.