Author Note: This story does NOT follow DH canon. It is the inbetweens of my two previous fics "Derailed" and "Adventures in Dress Shopping". This is pretty much canon through HBP and takes certain things from DH, however, I've put together different pairings and kept certain characters alive because I love them, and that's just how it is going to be. Reviews are more than welcome and I'd love constructive criticsim. I really hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I am not JKR. I do not own any of the characters. This story is merely my own interpretation of events based in the Universe that she created. Please don't sue.
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Three times between Ginny coming back into the house and everyone getting ready for bed, she'd been tempted to slip through the fireplace. Despite Charlie keeping good on his promise to keep whispering horribly inappropriate jokes in her ear, (including one involving a dragon, a Slytherin and a banshee) there was never more than a twitch of a smile from Ginny all night, unless she was talking to the kids. There was no reason for them to be affected by all of this. It wasn't fair to do that to them. The rest of the family, she felt less guilty about as they'd gone behind her back. But when it came down to it, it was only Felicity and Damien and Sabrina who'd kept her from flooing home.
She hadn't made any attempt to talk to Harry. She didn't have anything to say to him. She had iplenty/i she wanted to iscream/i at him, but she'd already resigned herself to speaking softly and politely by staying in the Burrow and there was nothing she could say that was soft or polite. Charlie and Bill were doing a fairly decent job of keeping the pair out of eye-shot of each other, and when they could manage it, keeping them in separate rooms all-together. The Burrow was thankfully crowded enough to manage this without really disturbing the Christmas festivities.
The sleeping arrangements for the night were enough to make even Hermione dizzy, (which was why the brunette was glad to not be spending the night there. She and Teddy were going to the Notts' manor in the morning.) Ginny had stopped paying attention after being told where she was spending the night. She was to be bunking in the living room with Felicity and Damien. The two were under strict orders to fall asleep quickly otherwise Santa wouldn't show and they'd be present-less in the morning. Ginny knew sleep wasn't going to happen easily and she'd hate to keep the pair of them up all night with her tossing and turning so she went into the kitchen to fix herself a cuppa. Almost instantaneously, she heard the two kids whispering excitedly to each other.
Tonks still hadn't relinquished her wand--claiming in a hissed whisper when Ginny had taken her aside to demand it back, that it was for everyone's good and she'd get it back tomorrow before she left-- Thus forcing the redhead to go about tea-making in the muggle fashion. As she reached up for a mug she felt a sharp pang of déjà vu and quickly went back to being flat on her feet, staring at her mug with contempt. Apparently simply being in the Burrow didn't make her feel enough like a child again. She had to go and dredge up feelings from the summer before sixth year and be kept magicless just to bloody well top it off.
She put the kettle on the stove, a bit more forcefully than initially intentioned and plopped down in a chair at the kitchen table, letting her head fall onto crossed arms. Her still wild red waves fanned out, covering her arms completely and she took a few deep breaths. She needed to shut her mind up. She needed to be able to sort through everything that she was feeling. Taking a few deep breaths didn't help much, in the end, but they at least got her heart to slow down a bit.
When she heard the floor creek she picked her head up to see a figure lurking in the shadows. She couldn't tell who it was in the flickering candlelight. "Hullo?" She hissed a whisper into the hall, not wanting to wake the whole bloody house up.
"Erm…"She heard as the mystery person stepped into where the light was a bit better. "Hullo." Harry said, his hand nervously rubbing the back of his neck as he looked down at his feet a bit sheepishly. Every few seconds he'd chance a glance up at her to see if she was still glaring--she was. "I didn't realize it was you in here til I…Thought it was…Anyway…I…" He stammered. Gods he felt like an idiot just standing there bumbling through his words.
"I was just leaving." The redhead grumbled as she stood to make a quick dash for the living room. The kids were sleeping by now. It would be a good excuse to not want to—
"Ginny, wait." Harry blurted out, standing so he was blocking her exit. "Could we er…talk? Please?" The house was mostly quiet and he was going to take advantage of her not being able to yell at him straight away. He had too much he wanted to say before she got too far into screaming at him. Besides, it was as much privacy as they were bound to get while at the Burrow and he had a sneaking suspicion that if he didn't also take advantage of the fact that she was unarmed, he'd end up with more than just bat-sized bogeys flying about his face.
"What," She started, folding her arms across her chest in a protective maneuver to shut herself out from him, "makes you think I have anything to say to you?" Her tone was not an inviting one and it was almost enough to make Harry back off entirely. Maybe this whole thing was a mistake. He shouldn't have listened to Teddy. He was fine in Georgia. In Georgia he didn't have to worry about much so long as he kept himself from thinking about home. In Georgia he didn't have to try and pretend that he was getting better. And most importantly, in Georgia he didn't have angry redheads staring at him like they were deciding which way was best to kill him. But in Georgia he didn't have Felicity, his god-daughter, who'd grown up faster than he'd really anticipated. He also didn't have Remus, who he'd expected a bit more disappointment from, but who'd been so happy to see him that the rest of it seemed to slip away. He didn't have Tonks, who'd welcomed him back after a bit of explaining, hugging him tightly and telling him all about the baby she was expecting. He didn't have the Weasley family who it was a bit harder to convince that he was back for good and for all the right reasons, but who'd believed him in the end. Mostly thanks to Bill who'd apparently talked to Teddy along the way. The only one absent from ithat/i little get together was the one standing a few feet away, and the one who really mattered, in the end.
He took a deep breath. "Fine. Then don't talk." He still didn't move from her only exit. "Just listen. Please?" He was practically begging, but if she couldn't just listen…well then what was the point? "Please." He repeated. The water started to boil and Ginny made a move to shut the kettle off but Harry took care of it with his wand, pouring her cup and directing the milk and sugar exactly how she took it. "Sit down." He said softly, gesturing her back to where she'd been seated at the table.
Ginny was torn again. Fight or flight. That was the battle raging inside her. She didn't want to deal with him here. Now. She'd prefer not to deal with him at all, but least of all here where she couldn't get out everything she wanted to scream at him. But damn it if Charlie's words weren't ringing in her ears. Stupid Charlie. Stupid Christmas speech. She reluctantly took a seat, eyes still hard as rocks, and carefully took a sip of her tea. 'Give him a chance to earn your forgiveness'. Oh she was going to beat Charlie for this guilt trip.
"I was…a prat. There's no other way to put it except for that. I was…I wasn't me at Remus's wedding and then after that…I don't know. I got scared. I couldn't be what everyone wanted me to be. I couldn't do it. I wasn't that person and I had just gone through--" He paused and took a deep breath shaking his head. "I wasn't good for anyone then. Still not so sure about it now, but Teddy seems to think that me coming back is what everyone, including me, needs. So I'm here. And I'm apologizing and I'm hoping that one day you'll forgive me. Even though I don't deserve it in the slightest for how I treated you. That's likely my biggest regret, when it's all said and done. How I hurt you. And they shouldn't even let me be here talking to you now after what I did. But I promise that one day, I'll make it up to you. I don't know how or when I'll do it, but I will. Because you deserve better than all this. You deserve someone better than who I was. But I'm better…I think." He stopped again and examined her face. How could he have stayed away from that face? Even now, glaring at him, eyes boring into him, she was absolute beauty. "Ginny…" He moved closer to the table, leaning on the back of a chair and giving her a pleading look. "Let me make this up to you. Just give me a chance. I swear that I'll earn it. Please."
Ginny had remained oddly quiet. Her teacup was still pressed to her lips. She hadn't moved it since he'd started talking. A thousand thoughts were racing through her mind and she couldn't pin one down long enough to really get a good hold on it. Questions and answers and comments she'd promised herself she'd make if she ever saw him again, mixed with emotions and turmoil and pain and longing. Her hand was shaking as she set her teacup down on the table, taking a deep breath as she tried to process through everything. It was too much to feel at once and she wasn't sure words were actually going to happen if she opened her mouth. He'd hurt her in the worst way and here he was asking forgiveness. Forgiveness that on her darkest days she'd sworn she'd never give.
She wasn't the same girl he'd left behind and it was mostly his own fault for that. She was more guarded than she'd been and even a little jaded. Her view of the world was drastically different from before. When before she was sure that if she just held on long enough and loved enough and hoped enough that everything would be alright and they'd get through it in the end; she was now certain that no matter what one hoped, or loved, or believed, it could all fall apart in an instant and there was little to be done to stop it. And after all she'd gone through on her own, after thinking she finally had learned what she was meant to, he had to show up and turn it all on its head again.
"Please say something." Harry said after simply staring at her for a long time. Her silence made him uneasy as it was. Ginny was a natural chatterbox, no matter what the circumstance. But couple her quiet with the look she was still giving him and he was nervous that she hadn't even been paying attention to him pouring his heart out.
"I listened, which is all you asked of me five minutes ago." Ginny snapped, being sure to keep her voice low. The last thing she needed was for someone to wake up and see the pair of them at this. "Now, I'm thinking." She took a sip of her tea, expression unchanged. His words swirled around her head mingling with arguments she'd had with herself and traces of Charlie's words from earlier faded in and out. The fight they'd had on the last night she'd seen him at Tonks and Remus's wedding came into play as well and the jumble of words twisted and turned and would've caused anyone else a headache.
Harry was now watching her very carefully. There used to be a time when he could tell when she was through thinking. When she had reached a decision and she was ready to face it head on. More often than not he was able to tell what she'd decided before she even opened her mouth. But now, after so much, he wasn't sure he'd be able to find the subtle traces on her features. He worried that he'd miss it. That it would slip past him and he'd be blind sighted with whatever she chose. His eyes scanned her face, searching intently for that small change that would give her away. And after what seemed like another lifetime away, he saw it- The twitch in the corner of her mouth and the softening of her eyes.
"I don't forgive you and I can't trust you." She said flatly. "And this conversation is far from over until I can properly scream at you." She added with a point of her finger which meant that she was all business. "You can't disappear for forever and a day and then come back and expect me to just be happy about it, Harry! I heard you and I listened and I know you had your bloody reasons and I don't care if they were good reasons or not. I don't care if you needed to get away or not. That is not how you hurt me. You leaving didn't hurt nearly as much as you not trusting me enough…not loving me enough to let me in on any of it." She stopped to take a breath, not sure if she'd make it through this without cracking. "You hurt me by not giving me a chance to try and understand. To try and help you get through it. You hurt me by turning your back on me when I thought I was among the only people you'd be running to. I loved you. So much it was almost too much. Apparently it was too much because otherwise it wouldn't have hurt so bloody bad when you left. So no, Harry. I don't forgive you. And I don't trust you. And I don't care if you plan on sticking around or if you're just passing through on your next trip to somewhere that's simply not here. I can't care. Because if I cared…" She paused her voice breaking. "If I cared about any of that…then I might trick myself into falling into the same trap again. And I'm smarter than that. I've fallen for it twice and I won't do it a third time." She gave a furious wipe at her eyes and turned away from him. It was far from all off her chest but it was mostly there. Out in the open.
And now it was Harry's turn for stunned silence. He stood there, feeling worse than he'd felt in a good long time watching the girl he loved break down in front of him…because of him. Each word hurt like a punch to the gut and the worst part of it was, he hadn't seen all that before. He hadn't considered how she'd take it in terms of him not caring enough about her. That wasn't the reason he'd left at all. He cared too much about her to put that kind of burden on her shoulders. He didn't want anyone to have to take care of him. He couldn't bear for anyone to see him the way he was after the war was said and done, least of all her. She didn't deserve to have to put him back together when she had enough on her own plate to take care of.
She was getting up to leave, but Harry wasn't letting it end like this. He couldn't let it end like this. Not when she was so sure it was because of all the reasons he knew it wasn't. Not when he'd come all this way. Not when he realized just how much he needed Ginny Weasley in his life. If not the way she had been before he'd taken off, then at least as a friend. Someone there to give him a good smack in the head when he was being a prat. Someone who would tell him honestly what they thought of how he was acting. He needed that kind of reality check, and there was no one, except maybe recently Teddy Nott, who was able to do it the way she always knew how.
It was with this in mind that he stood in her way, taking her by the shoulders and forcing her to meet his emerald eyes. "Ginny, no. We're not done." He said, strength gaining in his voice. "You think I left because I didn't love you? Because I didn't trust you? You're wrong. That's not why…I left because I couldn't let you see me the way I was. I knew you'd try to pick up my pieces for me and-you deserved someone who was already whole to begin with." He stopped, letting his arms drop from her shoulders with a small sigh. "You deserved someone who could make sure all your pieces were intact and I was…I wasn't that person and I couldn't just stay here and push you away. I couldn't because I'm selfish and couldn't bear to see your face if I kept around and pushing against all of your efforts. So I took off, thinking it would be easier. And it was, but for all the wrong reasons. I was learning to cherish the things that were bound to destroy me in the end and while it seemed to hold me…carry me on when I didn't have the strength myself, I should've known better. It didn't do me any good in the end and I should've known. But I'm better now. Better than I was at least and I really want to try and make things right with you Gin." He looked down at the ground for a long moment, not saying anything before looking back up at her, meeting her just right brown eyes. "I'm sorry. For everything. I want to make it right."
Before Ginny had a chance to answer this time Damien appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, a look of utter horror on his little face. "Aunt Ginny! Uncle Harry! What are you doing?! If you don't get to bed then Santa's not gunna show up! He's gunna leave and we won't get no presents!!" The young boy was clearly upset by this fact and Ginny gave a quick look to Harry before hurrying to scoop up her nephew. "We were just getting to bed, love." She gave him a quick kiss on the head and hugged him close. "C'mon, let's go tuck you in. Say goodnight to your Uncle."
Harry gave Ginny a pleading sort of look while she fussed with her nephew but Ginny tried not to pay him any mind. The kids had to come first in her mind. Harry, on the other hand, could wait til she could scream openly at him to finish this conversation.
"G'night, Uncle Harry!" Damien said, still a little annoyed with them both for being awake.
"Good night, Damien." Harry said back with a sigh. "Ginny…" It was almost a beg for her to stay in the kitchen with him and finish what they'd started.
"Good night, Harry." She said with a sense of finality before disappearing into the dark hallway, Damien in tow, to get some sleep before Santa showed up.