Holidays can make you forget a lot of things. Like your obligation to humour people. Now as a new year of school is starting, I cannot promise (I already broke a previous promise so this is a waste of keys on my keyboard, really) that I will be writing too regularly, even now. I can also guess that anyone who did read this, has more than likely moved on. Well, my lovely fans, anyone who did wait for this part receives a shiny new bicycle*...

*no bicycle shall be given.

We left off at an incredibly parodiable (add that word to your dictionaries folks) scene in this already incredibly laughable movie, Platform 9 and three quarters. So here goes. I hope I'm not too rusty and that my characters don't need an oiling (I'm looking at you New Moon werewolves with your constant usage of baby oil *shudder*)

Hagrid: *looks at old couple* What'r you lookin' at?

Old lady: Isn't having an owl in a cage against our local wildlife regula-

Hagrid: *shoots lightning at old woman from umbrella*

Harry looks at Hagrid horrified. "What the hell is your problem you loon?! First you kidnap me, then you give my cousin a tail, and now you kill someone who looked at you!"

Hagrid: Normally, I would remark in some unwitty way with an uncanny reference to an animal you've never heard of, but at the moment I have to leave to get this here thing back to Dumbledore. It's far more important than you. Now, your train leaves in 10 minutes. Here's your ticket. Stick to your ticket. That's the most important bit.

Harry: Platform 9 and three quarters...what the hell. How is that even possible? Hagrid?

Harry looks around only to find that somehow Hagrid has disappeared in under 5 seconds. How could Hagrid get out of view that fast? It's like trying to lose your tractor after turning around for a few moments. ITS BLOODY IMPOSSIBLE!

Harry: Well this is great. First, some stone is more valuable than me, The 'Chosen One's' life. And two, he can't even tell me how to get the goddamn platform, as if he expects me to be so pants on head retarded to walk into a barrier or stick around for 10 minutes to guide me. I am so going to make it my life goal to get that douche fired.

And that was when Harry discovered his life goal. Fucking up Hagrid's life until he kills himself in desperation.

*End credits*

Haha, no. Not at all. Instead, Harry tries to find a way to get onto this elusive train, in ten damn minutes.

Harry: Alright...platform ten...platform nine...Alright, I can safely deduce it isn't here. How do hell do I get home?

At this point, the most awesome character to ever star in a HP movie appears.

Man: *runs Baywatch style and slides past Harry's trolley with expert agility* Sorry!

Harry: That man deserves an Emmy.

(Author's note: Something worrying that I discovered writing this, is that MS Word has the word Baywatch [with the capital B so that you know it's talking about the series] in its default dictionary.)

Platform Instructor (He instructs pieces of ground how to work as platforms): You need a hand there son *wink*?

Harry: AAAAHHH! *looks for mace*

Platform Instructor: You're one of the special kids aren't you?

Harry: No! I just need to find Platform 9 and three quarters!

Platform Instructor: *taking mass offense* Think you're being funny ey? *muttering to self* He MUST be one of the special ones.

Molly: *EXCESSIVELY LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS LIKE THESE CAPS THAT SHOW SHOUTING* Why the hell is this MUGGLE train station filled with MUGGLES? Makes no bloody sense! Come on everyone! Platform 9 and three quarters and MAGIC (Author's note: There needs to be a way to show shouting louder than regular shouting)

Harry: My wizard sense is tingling! Better follow them!

Molly: Alright Percy. Go through. No need to be discreet or anything. Not like the people walking towards this pillar will think anything odd of a boy with a trolley walking into a brick wall...

It makes no sense that hundreds of people in strange garb would walk into a pillar without ANYONE noticing all these years. Even if they were discreet about it, how do they get out into the platform without startling anyone.

Man: *leaning on pillar having a smoke*

Wizard: Walks through pillar and knocks over man.

Man: Oh. Sorry kind sir. *continues to smoke without a care*

On a side note (which I find incredibly funny as [probably not the case] Harry is supposed to be the only sane one in the parody series) Harry is the only one who looks around to check if anyone noticed when Percy goes through to the magical world of Narnia.

Anywho, back to the (fairly non-existant) plot.

Molly: Alright. Fred your turn.

One of the twins: He's not Fred! I am! Honestly woman, you call ourselves our mother.

Just a few things about that:

1. OUCH! That's awfully harsh to say to your own mother even if she is a fire breathing dragon.

2. Their voices are so squeaky!

Molly doesn't seem to care though. Probably used to all kinds of verbal abuse...

Ron: MUUUUUUM! WHERES MY BLOODY SANDWICH?

Harry: Excuse me.

Another bloody Author's note: I've always wondered about whether excuse me is written as a question or as a statement. Technically, you are asking to be excused not ordering that you be excused...but then again, excuse me with a question mark seems more fitting to asking what someone just said. E.G. "I fire angry ticks out of my nipples." "Excuse me?"

Molly: Oh sheet. A muggle's spotted our shenanigans. Well Ron. It seems you won't be going to school this year. I guess third time's not the charm ey?

Harry: Err no. I'm just here to ask what the hell it is you're doing...

Molly: Oh, that's alright. What we're doing is walking into that wall between platforms 9 and 10.

Harry: But shouldn't walking through the middle of the wall cause us to get into platform 9 and a half?

Molly: That's why you need to be absolutely precise where you hit, or else you'll be imploded. Go on now. If you're nervous give it a run. Good luck, you might not make it though.

Harry: So if I'm nervous about GOING THROUGH A SOLID WALL I should run to make it easier? Do you also suggest that people should throw themselves into a pit of spiders if they have arachnophobia?

Ron: Always spiders. Why couldn't it be a pit of butterflies?!

Harry: Crap that wall looks hard. Well, here goes nothing. *runs into wall*

And here the special effects team said fuck it, we want our coffee. He runs through what appears to be 3 separate walls. So the pillar contains another pillar which then contains platform 9 and three quarters. And to add pain to humiliation, the transition from wall to wall is disguised by a man with a large package (Oh the innuendo).

Harry: Hogwarts express ey? For it to be an express, wouldn't there need to be another route to Hogwarts that takes longer, thus by comparison this one being an express.

Dumbledore: Ahhh, but the location of Hogwarts must remain secret.

Harry: Ummm...just a few things. First, the tracks the train travels on. Two, you have other schools travel to the location. 3. Hogsmeade offers a decent VIEW of Hogwarts and 4:

Helicopter Pilot: That's a nice valley...wait...what's that grey thi-...OH MY GOD! *crashes helicopter into Divination wing*

Everybody: Meh.

Well that's all for now I'm afraid. I'm tired as all hell and my arm is sore from playing Rose and Camellia. If you haven't played it, I suggest you google it NOW! It's a fun game of womanly combat.